Father''s day makes me want to cry

[anonymousgal]

I am a relatively regular PS poster, but I wanted to post this under another name to keep this separate from what others may know about me. It is nothing scandalous, just very personal. I am changing some of the details a bit just for extra anonymity. I hope you don''t mind.

I am getting married in about 11 months or so, and my father told me 4 weeks ago that he is not coming to my wedding. I have no idea why...well I have a lot of ideas but none of them seem to make sense. So here''s a whole lot of background:

My parents are [sort of] split up. About three years ago, they got into an argument about money. Well, I suppose they have been arguing about money for years. They live in a giant, old dilapitated 3-family apartment building. This is where I grew up, and for many years my family all lived in one apartment, and our extended family lived in the other apartments. My parents inherited this from the extended family, who have all since passed away.

My parents could never really afford to be homeowners, and so maintaining a large, really old building was a huge challenge. My father would often start home improvement projects that he wouldnt finish (some now have been in progress for 10+ years) and there was always fighting about money. My mom managed all of the bills [not always the best, but he was not willing to do it either] and my dad constantly blamed her for all of their money problems.

In the last 5-10 years, they have gotten better paying, much more stable jobs. The mortgage has always been low, and they took out home equity to fix up the house. There was a major project that had been long overdue, and, through much prodding from me, they finally got quotes and put a deposit down for the work to be done next spring. They had the money set aside for it, which was in the 10''s of thousands of $.

This was three years ago. My parents got into a fight, and my father took the money that had been set aside for the home improvement. Said he was moving out, that my mom would hear from his lawyers, etc. In actuality, he moved into one of the unoccupied apartments in the building.

This was three years ago - my father has still not moved out. They are in a holding pattern [they have never been good at getting stuff done]. My mom, I think, still has hopes that things will get better. My father won''t move out because it is too easy for him to stay, and I think he belives it is more his house because it was from his family, even though they have had it for about 30 years. In the meantime, it is falling apart more and more. My mom can''t do anything about it because he has taken all of the money. Even if she used her own money, it is possible that he would scare the contractors away.

In this time, my parents relationship has seriously deterioriated. My father has no living family here, and for the last couple of years he has refused to come to any family events. Not Christmas, not Easter, not my cousin''s wedding. It is like he is withdrawing from us completely. But still lives in the same house as my mom.

I live 2,000 miles away, so I come home infrequently. I have tried so hard to maintain some kind of relationship with him. Even though I stay with my mom, I always try to stop by and say hi, or go with him to dinner. Sometimes he''ll talk to me, but a lot of times we''ll make plans and then he''ll break them. He did this last Christmas. He has never been the type of person to say "I love you" but I am able to talk to him sometimes about things like tech or sports. I always send him gifts for Christmas, birthdays, etc.

I got engaged about 5 months ago. When I called to tell my parents, my mother was very excited, my dad not so much, but that is to be expected. We have been planning the wedding out here, rather than back home, and we are paying for all of it ourselves. This was very important to us.

When I was home a few weeks ago for a visit, I went to his apartment, chatted a bit, and told him about the engagement party my in laws will be throwing for us. "I have no interest in going to [where we live]" was his response. "But you''ll be coming to the wedding, right?" I asked. "No, I''m not going. I have no interest" he said.

"What? Why did he say that? What was his explanation?" my friends have all asked me when I told them this story. He did say a few things like "I don''t have a real family" or "We talk to each other, but we don''t speak the same language" but nothing in the way of a true explanation for how he is acting.

This is not the first time he has done something hurtful, but it may be the worst. I remember getting ready the day of the prom, as I was about to go out the door, showing my dad my dress. His response: "A little gaudy, isn''t it?" At my graduation 4 years ago, he was refusing to come, eventually he did but it was back and forth a lot. Last summer, when he dropped me off at the airport after a visit, I went to give him a hug and said "I love you" His response? Backing away and barking, "Next time you come home, find your own transportation!" I don''t understand why he is being so cruel.

We have had our disagreements over the years, but I have always tried to be a daughter he could be proud of. I worked really hard, got a difficult degree from a prostigious school, and I have a great job at one of the top 3 companies in my industry. I don''t know what to do here. I want him to be there, and no matter what I do, he has the potential to ruin my wedding. Part of me thinks I can convince him to come, but knowing him, he could just not get on the plane or not show up the day of. Part of me thinks he just wants to ruin this for me, and if that is true, I don''t want him to be there.

He menioned something to my mom in passing about not being consulted about the wedding. I don''t know if he wanted my FI to ask him permission (not happening, because I told my FI not to do this) or wanted to be involved in the wedding planning (SO not his thing) or if he was just being bitter. Last week I sent him a father''s day package with his favorite chocolate, a photo of the two of us, and a card explaining how grateful I have been for the ways he has supported me in my education, etc. and saying that I would really love for him to be at the wedding. He has not responded, and he didn''t answer the phone when I called him today to wish him a happy father''s day.

I don''t know what he wants - does he want me to beg him to come? Does he want me to get so angry and hurt that I write him off completely, and so he can say he was abandoned by his daughter? I love him, and I want him at my wedding, but my heart is breaking right now.

 

[Samantha Red]

I am so sorry for you to be going through this. Why don''t parents get that they are always the parents and we are always their kids and we always seek their approval and love. It makes me so angry and in some ways so glad I am never going to be a parent and inflict pain like this on a child.

It sounds to me that your dad has issues that are nothing to do with you and you can do nothing about it, but you are suffering for it. I have a very difficult relationship with my own father and I think it is down to the fact that his mother was killed in a car accident when he was 12; and he was in the accident too so saw it all. Emotionally he has never been equipped to be a parent and that is neither of our faults.

If I were you I would write to your father saying exactly what you feel and put the ball in his court. However, it might be easier and less stressful to have your day without him if need be. A really difficult choice I know

 

[Circe]

I''m really sorry to hear about all of your issues with your dad. My own relationship with my father can occasionally be ... tumultuous, but more in the other direction (i.e., excessive concern), but nevertheless, negotiating the space in which we can communicate necessitates significant effort, sometimes. My dad''s very old-world: I think the concept of talking about "feelings" is pretty foreign to him. But, well, he''s got a daughter, and a modern daughter at that, so ... he''s learned to make do. It took a LOT of long conversations, though, to convey to him the fact that he needed to consider cause and effect!

It sounds as though there''s a lot of stuff going on in your dad''s life: I''m no expert, and I hate armchair psychology, but it sounds as though whatever happened three years ago represents a significant shift. What kind of shift, I''ve no idea ... but the general withdrawal makes me think depression. Is he seeing anyone, by any chance? A therapist for couples counseling in conjunction with your mom, or on his own? If not, would he be amenable to the suggestion? If he''s anything like my dad, the suggestion alone might be an insult of GARGANTUAN proportions (when I mentioned that I was thinking about talking to someone a few years ago when I was in the heaviest throes of grad. school stress, he acted as though I''d confessed to sacrificing animals on the sly) ... but it might be worth considering. Maybe somewhere down the line, because from your post, I''m not getting the sense that *you* have talked to him about any of this: I can''t imagine it being an easy discussion to come right out and say, "Dad, the way you''re acting has me feeling unloved, which I know isn''t the case, but ..." but I think it might be a good idea. I think it would be an even better idea for *you* to discuss this with a therapist, face-to-face and with all the facts available: any advice we give will be secondary to the sympathy, considering the circumstances and limitations of the forum, but a therapist will, a) be focusing all their attention on *you,* and b) have the tools at their disposal to give you the *right* advice.

 

[JulieN]

This is such a sad situation...

Could your father be mentally ill?

 

[iheartscience]

I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this. I agree with Circe and JulieN. It sounds as if your father is mentally ill. He might be depressed or agoraphobic (fear of being in public places/crowds just in case you didn''t already know!).

Your post is so sad because it sounds as if you blame yourself, but I''m sure you''ve done nothing to hurt or anger him. Can your mother talk to him about his behavior towards you? I understand they have a difficult relationship, but it''s just plain wrong for your father to take it out on you.

If he continues to treat you this way, it might really be healthiest to have little or no contact with him. Again, I''m sorry you''re dealing with this and I hope something changes for the better!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/15/2008 4:20:48 PM
Author: thing2of2
I''m so sorry you''re dealing with this. I agree with Circe and JulieN. It sounds as if your father is mentally ill. He might be depressed or agoraphobic (fear of being in public places/crowds just in case you didn''t already know!).

Your post is so sad because it sounds as if you blame yourself, but I''m sure you''ve done nothing to hurt or anger him. Can your mother talk to him about his behavior towards you? I understand they have a difficult relationship, but it''s just plain wrong for your father to take it out on you.

If he continues to treat you this way, it might really be healthiest to have little or no contact with him. Again, I''m sorry you''re dealing with this and I hope something changes for the better!

Ditto. And am terribly sorry.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I am so, so sorry to hear about all of this.

I think there comes a point in everybody's life where they stop seeing their parents as just parents and start seeing them more as fellow adults with their own problems, issues and handicaps. I mean your father will always be your father, it's just that the older and more mature you become, the more you can see him for exactly who he is.

I know it's so much easier said than done, but please understand that none of this is your fault. And his not wanting to come to the wedding doesn't mean he doesn't care--it could be any number of things: he may be uncomfortable at large family get togethers, he may feel guilty about not being the dad he wanted to be, he may be so depressed about his own marriage that he doesn't want to face a wedding. He may not even know why he doesn't want to go, but you can't blame yourself.

I think what's hardest about these types of relatoinships is that you can do nothing to change him. In order to have a healthy relationship with him, you have to set the boundaries, change the way you communicate, etc. which isn't fair, but necessary.

Again, I'm so sorry that this experience with your father has affected such an exciting time in your life.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

As I read it, my first thought was mental illness. I agree not to try to push him. But I would not cut off contact either. I would send him cards or leave a phone message on birthdays, Father''s Day, other holidays. He may not be able to return the affection. But you can always make the choice to do the right thing, and showing love in little ways not expecting anything in return is a very mature thing to do. I''m very sorry, though, because I am sure it hurts. But as others have said, it really has nothing to do with you.

 

[ladypirate]

No words of advice, but I wanted to send a big virtual *HUG* your way. I''m so sorry you''re going through this.

 

[Miranda]

I am so sorry for you, honey. You do sound just heartbroken. A few things run through my mind when I read your post. I cannot give you any answers, but, I agree with the others that have suggested a mental illness. People can be stubborn when there is a mental imbalance and not want to admit something is wrong. It may be far easier for him just to pretend he''s not into your wedding/engagement and avoid you than admit there is a real problem. He must be feeling terrible inside. Another question that came into my mind when I was reading this was, could there be a possibility of substance abuse? I know this can turn some people into a Jekyl - Hide personality and make them do and say terrible things.

We can all pontificate on what the problems may be, but, none of that can possibly erase your pain. Just know that it is nothing you have done. You have reached out and asked for approval and support.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 6/15/2008 8:13:59 PM
Author: ladypirate
No words of advice, but I wanted to send a big virtual *HUG* your way. I''m so sorry you''re going through this.

Me too, huge hug outgoing, I am sorry.

 

[2Artists]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. That sounds so painful. I agree with the others that there might be a possibility of mental illness or other imbalance. I have family members who suffer from mental illness and some of the behaviors sound similar. Like the non-responsiveness, not getting the phone even on holidays and the refusal or inability to come to family events and the cruelty at times.

The holidays and other special events can be really painful in such a situation. Those sorts of times seem to magnify any existing painful family or life situations. After being stood up on a number of holidays and the like I have tried to learn how to cope albeit imperfectly. What I do is really focus on enjoying and savoring and drawing comfort from the routine of holiday or other celebration traditions that I have created- whether or not I get to spend it with them.

All I can personally do is create a meaningful and beautiful and special event. I can let them know that they are loved and welcome but it is only in their realm of control whether or not they show up. I try to remember that it has nothing to do with my own worth or if I am lovable or any of that stuff. It is their own issues. I go ahead and celebrate stuff and even when I have plans with them I steel myself for the probability of them just not showing. On stuff like Thanksgiving we do the special menu and have enough food etc. should they decide to show but realize that we may just end up with a bunch of frozen leftovers. I do my best to go ahead and have fun and create fun memories because I am worth it. I also try to remember that it is their illness and not really them. They do the best they can and they can''t give what they don''t have.

Your wedding is a really special event. By the way congrats! All you can do is let him know he is welcomed and loved. Whether he shows is up to him. Take care of yourself and fill up your own reservoirs. Do not let yourself run on empty. Taking good care of yourself is not selfish- it is self preservation. When you get beyond depleted you can''t help yourself or anyone else for that matter. Take time for you.

Enjoy your wedding to the fullest whether he is there or not. Do not let yourself get sucked into a black hole over this. Look for the tiniest ray of light and grab hold. Hugs.

female half 2artists

 

[miraclesrule]

This sucks! The same thing happened to me, so I can feel your pain. My father refused to come to my wedding too. But he let me know exactly why. First, he was pissed that I got pregnant at the age of 18 and wanted to keep my baby. He told me that I had so much talent and it was going to be wasted now as I would be sidetracked being a Mother, he wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. My Mom and Dad had already been divorced because, well, because it turns out he was gay.

When I told my Dad that I was planning on marrying my daughter''s father...he told me he wouldn''t give me away. He was aready used to the idea of me being a Mother and felt that I was strong enough to raise my baby alone (okay, he was right on that one), but that marrying that "airhead" was stupid. (Okay, he was right again, but that was beside the point).

I was livid. My Dad was at my older sister''s wedding and also gave her away...with my stepfather. He didn''t complain about that at all. When I threw that at him, he simply told me that he expected that out of my sister, but not me.

I just said fine...I''ll have my stepfather give me away and so I did.

Now, as a mother of a bride (who is getting married next month), I have to say that I was not overjoyed that the groom didn''t have the intention to "ask me for her hand". In fact, I even tried to help him with a big hint when he told me he was going to propose on their vacation. I jokingly said "Oh, you mean you''re asking me?" ::::zip right over his head::::: "No, I''m just telling you"

....he sort of blew that opportunity. Since then he has had several opportunities to show respect and he has come through.

So, perhaps there are several reasons that your Father is acting this way, but he has an inbility to communicate them to you. It isn''t fair to you at all. You weren''t born with the ability to read his mind. Most people can''t interpret behavior either. Some can''t even catch an overt hint...(see example of groom in former paragraph). But your Dad sounds angry. He is probably angry about a lot of things and he is internalizing his anger. It isn''t healthy or wise, but not at all uncommon.

I have been impressed with conflict mediators vs. traditional therapists. My experience in watching the former has proven to me that it is more effective, less damaging and easier for all parties to participate in. And because it is so effective, it is less costly. If this relationship is important to you, and it sounds like it is as important to him as it is to you, or he would be less cruel and more indifferent, than you can look into local NVC mediators. I also try to think this in my head...every act is an act of love...or a call for love. :::shrugs:::: It doesn''t always work, but it has definately helped.

If it becomes too much work for you, or he refuses to participate (it sounds like it would be good for the whole family), then you may need to accept it. As hard and as painful as that is...you can''t be worrying about this up to the wedding day. The wedding planning is stressful enough.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Anon )))))))))))))))))))))))<-----------------big virtual hug.

 

[marcy]

Sorry to hear this. I don''t know how to help but just wanted to send you a big hug. I guess regardless of how he acts or reacts I would continue to include him in things so you know you always tried to reach out to him.