feel guilty going out

[radiantquest]

i know that i might get some lectures about this one, but i am going ahead anyway

i feel guilty going out without FF. he hardly goes out without me, not because i make him take me, just that we have fun together. even when it is with his friends he takes me too. i feel guilty going out without him. i dont think that he even wants to go when i go out, but i still feel bad. i am taking the rare opportunity of him going out with his friends to go out with mine.

i know that you may be thinking that im losing myself or something along those lines. does anyone else feel guilty having fun without their SO???

 

[TheDoctor]

After 26 years of marriage, I must tell you that you cannot be joined at the hip.
Do your thing.
Encourage him to feel free to do his. Use the freedom responsibly, that''s all. Trust rewarded with ultimate fidelity makes for a very strong relationship.

 

[absolut_blonde]

We started off LDR and remained LDR for a year before moving in together. So, going out separately was inevitable -- you have to be able to enjoy yourselves without one another for the sake of your sanity as well as the relationship.

I find this to be even more true now that we DO live together. I'm happy when SO goes out with his guy friends. Gives us a breather from one another. It is important to create the opportunity to 'miss' each other. We have a lot of separate interests and I like that. I love coming home to him after a few hours by myself, at yoga or shopping or what have you. I still go home once a month or so to stay at my parents' place and visit my friends back home, too.


Honestly, I do think it's a bit unhealthy not to spend at least some time apart. I love SO to pieces, but he can't fulfill all of my needs. Time apart prevents you from taking each other for granted, too. We have a fantastic relationship but we'd both probably get sick of each other if we were together 24/7.

Not to mention, it's not that considerate to your friends (no offense). I wouldn't like it if BFF's boyfriend tagged along every time we had plans. Sometimes you just want to spend time with 'the girls' or with that particular friend one-on-one.

Obviously, couples will vary in how MUCH time they spend together vs apart -- but overall, I strongly believe that maintaining separate interests & separate social lives is a good thing both for you as individuals as well as a couple.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/22/2008 8:22:40 PM
Author:radiantquest
i know that i might get some lectures about this one, but i am going ahead anyway


i feel guilty going out without FF. he hardly goes out without me, not because i make him take me, just that we have fun together. even when it is with his friends he takes me too. i feel guilty going out without him. i dont think that he even wants to go when i go out, but i still feel bad. i am taking the rare opportunity of him going out with his friends to go out with mine.


i know that you may be thinking that im losing myself or something along those lines. does anyone else feel guilty having fun without their SO???

I don''t think there is any ''right'' or ''wrong'' way. Ideas about how to live married life are as much subject to fashion as any other area in life. Do what feels right (for the both of you). It can be refreshing to get out of your day-to-day by socialising occasionally - or a lot!

It''s up to the pair of you, and your solutions may not be the same as other couples''.

 

[vslover]

DH and I rarely spend time apart...and have never spent an overnight apart in the time we've been married (4 years)...he works and then comes home, so I see friends during the day usually (I don't work) and he plays hockey (a few months of the year) one night a week...so that's time he's out. Neither of us wishes for more time away though it'd be ok if either of us did.

 

[KimberlyH]

It''s taken some time for DH and I to find a balance that works for us. I cycle with friends from work, go on a trip alone once every six months or so, have lunch/drinks with friends on occasion, etc. His friendships are a lot different than mine, so he spends less time with his friends than I do, they tend to communicate via email and phone more than in person and that works for him. I used to feel bad when I did things without him, but it''s important to me that I do things with my girlfriends and he is totally understanding of that...so we have grown content with things as they are. It would have been easier to feel this way if he had friends he enjoyed socializing with sans me, but that''s not how it is, and that''s okay too.

Talk to him about it, see what he has to say. Guilt should only occur when you''ve done something wrong, it''s not wrong to need time with friends.

 

[ladypirate]

We do occasionally go out without one another, but we spend most of our time together. I don''t ever feel guilty when I''m out without him, but I do start to miss him after a while...I think mainly just because we''re together so often that it feels strange to be apart for too long!

 

[decodelighted]

Well ... I just went away on a girlfriend vacation to Mexico for a WEEK without my husband of 2 yrs. And he went away to a gaming convention for a week. So that was two weeks we were apart within the same month. I dunno -- I think its AWESOME to be independent. Eventually you''re gonna run out of stories if all your NEW stories are ones he was there for too. Shake it up! It just takes practice to NOT "feel guilty". Reframe it. Bring new stories back to the relationship & have new experiences that you can then bring to the table. Its your DUTY to stay exciting.

 

[purrfectpear]

You''re still in the limerance stage. You''ll outgrow it. Just don''t push all your GF''s completely aside for the relationship, or they may not be there when you do feel like doing girly things.

 

[Kaleigh]

Don''t feel guilty. It''s good to be independent, to have time with your friends. Heck I need that time, would be at a loss if I didn''t have it. He lets me do what I want to do, and I let him play golf!!!

Married for 23 years this September.

Spending time away isn''t a bad thing, you have to be your own person.

 

[Linda W]

I agree. You do need to do things with your girlfriends once in awhile. Do what is right for the both of you.

My DH and I have been married going on 28 years and we are "joined at the hip", but that is the way we are. We still find time to be with our individual friends though.


Linda

 

[elrohwen]

I kind of know how you feel. Last summer I made some new friends at work who wanted to hang out all the time and FI just couldn''t get all the way down there to meet up with us. I did feel a bit guilty that I was living it up while he sat at home.

However, most of the time we share friends (the vast majority of our friends in our new city are couples who hang out together) so we go to all social events together. People just expect us to come as a pair! Not that we''re against going out solo, it just doesn''t usually happen that way.

Our situation is a little different though in that I travel a lot for my job (often a few days of every week) so we get plenty of time to be apart and miss each other. If I didn''t travel, we would be joined at the hip I think ... but it wouldn''t bother either of us a bit.

I think it all comes down to what works for you. If you love spending time with friends as a pair, go for it!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

i know exactly what you are talking about but i''m in a bit of a different situation. SO''s friends all moved away after college and mine all stayed here. So my friends kind of became SO''s friends and it''s hard to tell him hey we all are going out but we don''t want you to come. Thankfully he and my best friend''s bf have sort of started hanging out. I explained to him I need a girl''s night out once in a while and that''s what I''m doing tonight He just doesn''t have any other kids to play with in the neighborhood! it''s sad

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

My girls and I take a trip somewhere together once a year. Most of them are married. This year we went to Chicago for a long weekend.

I think it is extremely important, both for my individuality, and for our relationship, that I foster these female relationships. Seriously, who else is going to discuss every single nuance of Sex and the City or watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants with me? Who else will be able to get excited about place cards and ribbons and Christmas decorations and new make-up or be able to comfort me in the way that only another woman can? It''s not even just about having girls to do "girly" things with. I think that female relationships just fill a need that a man can''t, no matter how much he loves a girl. To ask him to fill that role would put too much strain on a relationship. I think you should marry your best friend, but that doesn''t mean that your best friend has to be every friend.

As for going out, you shouldn''t feel guilty for going out without your SO, as long as your purpose for going out is to fortify meaningful friendships and not to flirt with other guys or get rid of the old ball and chain.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 8/22/2008 8:22:40 PM
Author:radiantquest
i know that i might get some lectures about this one, but i am going ahead anyway

i feel guilty going out without FF. he hardly goes out without me, not because i make him take me, just that we have fun together. even when it is with his friends he takes me too. i feel guilty going out without him. i dont think that he even wants to go when i go out, but i still feel bad. i am taking the rare opportunity of him going out with his friends to go out with mine.

i know that you may be thinking that im losing myself or something along those lines. does anyone else feel guilty having fun without their SO???

Oh my! Big breath.......(all the things I will NOT say are melting away)....you were a whole person before you met your FF, and you will be a whole person your entire life. If you burden your FF with being the only person you get support, input, or companionship from, you won''t last very long, or you''re going to be pretty bored OR boring. A person must have friends. Having them, and doing things with them them is not a betrayal of your primary relationship. As long as you don''t put them over the primary one, it will only refresh your relationship. Drop the guilt! Go out occasionally. As another poster said, you cannot be entirely joined at the hip.

 

[fieryred33143]

For us, its the other way around.

I don''t have very many friends here. All of my friends are in Orlando (about 4 hours away). My FI has a ton of friends here as he has lived in the same neighborhood since he was 4. So for a while he wasn''t going out with his buddies because he felt guilty leaving me alone at home.

I didn''t realize it at first. I just thought I must be some super awesome entertainer that made him want to stay home

. But I realized what he was doing and told him it was unnecessary. I enjoy quiet times at home to read a book or watch a girly film or paint my nails w/out having someone say "that stuff stinks

"

Maybe your FF is just a quiet person and prefers to stay at home. There''s nothing wrong with that. Unless he says that he has a problem with you going out, then there''s no need to feel guilty.

 

[jcarlylew]

i am the same as fiery
I send E out all the time, not because i dont want to hang out with him, but becuase if i am going to "hang out (watch tv and watch people drink) i''d rather do it at home. I don''t see the point going, specially i am going to want to leave in two hours and he is going to want to stay for 7 hours

But, which is nice (becuase i had an SO who NEVER did this

, E always asks me if i want to go. He know''s i am going to say no, but he still wants to let me know i am invited.

so, point being, don''t feel guilty. Just remember to offer to include him every once in awhile