Feeling alienated

[diamondcrazed]

Hi everyone -- this is my first post on this board! Sorry for it being a downer. I am looking for suggestions on how to handle something that has happened. This is probably going to be long....

When FI and I first got engaged, both he and his mother told me that some of their family would like to throw me a shower -- I thought it was a nice gesture and was appreciative, even though I knew that none of my friends or family would likely be able to attend since it would be held out of town and none of my guests live near the location. It would be more for his family.

Well, it has apparently morphed. I haven''t been contacted once -- every one of their calls is directly to FI regarding planning, emails asking for HIS guest list, etc. FI even mentioned to me that apparently some of those planning thought the shower was just for him. Now, I don''t know about you, but that threw up a red flag for me. I have asked him is it a shower for you or me or both of us? Initially he answered the shower was for just him and I told him I didn''t understand what was going on but now he answers both of us, after numerous phone calls with his family, etc. But, I can tell he is covering something up -- and they still have yet to ask me if I would like to invite anyone and I know my FI doesn''t have my guest list. So, I am feeling alienated at this point -- this shower does not look like it was intended for me or both of us really, even though initially I understood it would include me and FI keeps telling me I have to come -- it is for "us". But, it really isn''t in my eyes... I would want to invite a few people (like parents, family) to a shower...even though they wouldn''t likely make it. And I have learned that the invitations have gone out. I don''t know...I am really bothered by this....

Any advice would be appreciated!!
Thanks!

 

[diamondcrazed]

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that my FI when approached when I first had my suspicions said that maybe he should call my MOH to ask if she was going to plan something for me -- since he wanted me to have a shower too. I am starting to feel like I might not have a shower -- my family is all out of state -- my wedding party is tiny - 2 attendants, one of which lives out of state.. My wedding is in September...I don''t want to ask people to host a shower for me. That doesn''t seem appropriate. I guess this is an issue with two sides...

 

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Wow...diamondcrazed....I''ll be curious to hear others'' input. It sure sounds weird to me, and I''d feel a bit alienated too.

I know that showers for couples is in fashion now but I think traditionally they''ve always been a "bride''s thing". I''ve never never even heard of one for the groom only!

Has your fiance told his familly how you feel about this? If he hasn''t, I think he should! Is it remotely possible that they''re shy about talking to you because they don''t know you well? Could there be some sort of family tradition (ethnic or otherwise) dictates that they only deal with the groom?

Very curious to hear other''s thoughts..
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[kanne]

Is it possible that they are trying to throw you off the track (to surprise you)?

I agree that it does sound kinda strange tho. Have not heard of a groom shower... Sounds like a possible communication breakdown. If it were me, I'd immediately get to the bottom of the issue with my fiance. It's his responsibility to set his mom straight.

Maybe it is just a fun pre-wedding celebration for the both of you? In any case, you'd probably feel better if you knew what was going on...

Let us know what happens!! (Hugs and feel better)

 

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"...but I could tell he was coveiring something up..."

Author: lovey
Is it possible that they are trying to throw you off the track (to surprise you)?

Good thought, Lovey!

 

[elephant]

I''m sorry this is so stressful for you! I know I get really nervous when it comes to the FILs. This to me sounds like botched communication. Not that your fiance an idiot or anything like that, but if he''s anything like my guy, he''s probably a little clueless. I''m sure he doesn''t understand the significance for you. I wouldn''t worry too much about it. I would go with the original thought that this is primarily for you and he''s coming too, maybe. I mean, why on earth would a guy need a shower? What are they gonig to buy him, a dart set? I am laughing picturing my bf opening a new set of pots and pans -- he''d be "thrilled," really. Hahahahaa. The thing is, they probably just feel more comfortable communicating with him about this. Do they know you well? And another thing, maybe they don''t want to send invites to your family members out of town because they don''t want them to feel obligated to attend and make them feel bad if they can''t?

OR, it could be that they are planning something fun for you!

I''m sure wedding planning can be stressful -- don''t let this get you down. Your fiance may be craftier than you think! Cheer up! Soon, you''ll be getting new stuff! That''s really exciting.

Bottom line: I''m quite sure you''re a guest of honor and I''m sure your fiance just mixed things up (with the best of intentions) and it will all be resolved soon!

 

[blueroses]

I had the same reaction--that they might be trying to surprise you? If not, I agree that it''s weird!!

 

[MINE!!]

Date: 6/9/2005 9:49:15 AM
Author: lovey
Is it possible that they are trying to throw you off the track (to surprise you)?

I agree that it does sound kinda strange tho. Have not heard of a groom shower... Sounds like a possible communication breakdown. If it were me, I''d immediately get to the bottom of the issue with my fiance. It''s his responsibility to set his mom straight.

Maybe it is just a fun pre-wedding celebration for the both of you? In any case, you''d probably feel better if you knew what was going on...

Let us know what happens!! (Hugs and feel better)

This was my first thought... I would think that your man loves you so much that he would not let this happen unless it was a ''suprise'' I do so hope it works out for you though. Sorry it is stressful!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

This HAS TO be a surprise shower. Not only have I never heard of a groom only shower, I''d say it''s beyond bizarre to even have one. What in the world would everyone get your FI???

Remember Manities https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/manties-panties-a-lil-somethin-for-the-wedding-night-perhaps.28128/=

 

[icekid]

i have to agree it sounds pretty bizarre. boys can be SO clueless. i hope it''s a surprise for you, or it doesn''t say much for your future in-laws...

 

[FireGoddess]

This has got to be one of the weirdest situations I''ve ever heard of, because even if this IS a surprise shower (including you or FOR you)....it''s not much of a surprise, is it? I mean, you know they''ve asked for your FI''s guest list, have consulted him openly...and he''s asked if your MOH is doing anything for you shower-wise. The only surprise here is whether your in-law''s are a bunch of jerks, or whether they''re doing a bad job of trying to throw a surprise for you. I sincerely hope it''s the latter.

I think at this point I''d have a heart to heart with your FI and just tell him how you''re feeling. This could be a big misunderstanding, but if it''s not, I think your FI should be going to bat for you a little more. This is going to be your new family as well, and it should also be a HAPPY time for you...this is clearly weighing on you and not making you feel very welcome...or included...get it out in the open. If this is a surprise shower...it''s not a very good one. Surprise should be COMPLETELY surprise...not out in the open but just not consulting you for anything.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 6/9/2005 9:09:10 AM
Author:diamondcrazed

When FI and I first got engaged, both he and his mother told me that some of their family would like to throw me a shower -- I thought it was a nice gesture and was appreciative, even though I knew that none of my friends or family would likely be able to attend since it would be held out of town and none of my guests live near the location. It would be more for his family.

Well, it has apparently morphed. I haven''t been contacted once -- every one of their calls is directly to FI regarding planning, emails asking for HIS guest list, etc. FI even mentioned to me that apparently some of those planning thought the shower was just for him. Now, I don''t know about you, but that threw up a red flag for me. I have asked him is it a shower for you or me or both of us? Initially he answered the shower was for just him and I told him I didn''t understand what was going on but now he answers both of us, after numerous phone calls with his family, etc. But, I can tell he is covering something up -- and they still have yet to ask me if I would like to invite anyone and I know my FI doesn''t have my guest list. So, I am feeling alienated at this point -- this shower does not look like it was intended for me or both of us really, even though initially I understood it would include me and FI keeps telling me I have to come -- it is for ''us''. But, it really isn''t in my eyes... I would want to invite a few people (like parents, family) to a shower...even though they wouldn''t likely make it. And I have learned that the invitations have gone out. I don''t know...I am really bothered by this....

Any advice would be appreciated!!
Thanks!

I don''t understand why you''re feeling offended/hurt.

If it wasn''t a shower for you, too, then I''m hard-pressed to imagine why your FMIL would have told *you* "we''d like to throw you a shower". Doesn''t make sense.

Why would they ask you for your guest list when you''ve already said "none of my friends/fam would likely be able to attend....." If I were your FMIL, I''d take that to mean that you expect your friends/fam will do something separate for you. Why, then, is it a big deal that they didn''t send invitations to people you said couldn''t make it anyway?

It seems like she also expects that your fam/friends will throw you a shower of their own. Same thing happened with my best friend. She lived in MD, but grew up in Maine with a bunch of us. As her MOH, I threw her a shower with all of our friends up in Maine. I didn''t invite the folks in MD because I knew they would have a separate shower for her there. That doesn''t mean I didn''t *care* about her friends there...it was that she could have two smaller showers, and doing so was more convenient for everyone involved.

I don''t see the injury here. It seems to me like his family recognizes that having one big shower isn''t likely possible due to proximity, so they are accepting that and having a shower for those who *are* proximate to them. I don''t understand why you''re offended by that.....I''d be flattered that they want to give you a shower.

 

[diamondcrazed]

Thank you everyone for your comments and kind thoughts -- it helps to know that others share my point of view. You will be happy to know that things have been sorted out and I wanted to give you all an update. I hope all this makes sense, a little tired here -- apparently there was a family member who believed the shower was just for FI. The FI admitted that he did some idiotic things in the process and really should have gone to the source of the misunderstanding for clarification rather than just appeasing her by sending her his guest list and making the comments that he did. His mother today said that the family had some miscommunication within and that it wasn''t clear what had happened, but that the shower really is for both of us and that they were sorry that no communication had occured with me (others planned it). So, no surprise shower ...

I had read a bit about this whole who should be invited to a shower, etc. and was feeling alienated at first due to the confusion about who the shower was for and then felt more so alienated as no one had asked if I would like to invite anyone if the shower was for us. Even if my family is far away and not likely to come, I feel it is an appropriate gesture for my parents to be invited - they should not be excluded -- it is a celebration of FI and myself -- and they are a part of that. Add to that, that I hadn''t even conveyed to the planners or FIs family that I didn''t think that anyone would come from my side, I had just thought that. (We live in and the shower is in Texas and you never know how far some people will drive in this state to these things ) In my discussions with FMIL today, I did ask that my parents be sent an invitation -- and she said that would be great and she would let the planners know.

So all in all what I have re-learned -- boys are goofy and have foot in mouth syndrome -- but I still love FI anyways-- and that some families just don''t communicate well to each other. Thanks again everyone. I appreciate it!

 

[elephant]

I''m really glad that you got that all worked out. I just knew it had to be a dumb boy situation.

I could TOTALLY see my guy doing that. It seems like you got a really positive outcome! Congrats!

Now, hopefully, you won''t have too much stress with the rest of the wedding! Good luck!

 

[aljdewey]

Delighted to hear that it all was straightened out, and that you weren''t intentionally slighted.

 

[kanne]

Glad you worked it out!