Feeling frustrated (long)

[Blenheim]

I''m feeling really frustrated tonight.

As I mentioned in my introduction post, my BF and I are both graduating this spring. I''m pursuing a Ph.D. and he''s looking for a job. We decided a while ago that we''re definitely going to stay together after graduation (and hopefully forever), and I specifically applied to graduate schools in cities where we thought he should be able to get jobs. I''ve heard back from most of the schools by now, and so he knows what cities he needs to look in. I need to notify all of the departments of my decision by April 15, so it would be really really helpful if he had job offers by then.

The problem is that he''s not being as pro-active as I would be about the job search. He has a very full schedule and chooses to do things with more immediate deadlines first. That''s generally an okay approach, but we''re talking about a job search here. He needs to get it done.

He''s also feeling frustrated. He needs an entry level position, but almost everything that he can find requires at least a couple years experience. Being a senior in college, all he has are a couple summers of employment.

I''ve been wanting to help him out, but my therapist told me to just let him do it. I have so many things adding stress to my life without taking on a job search. (I''ve mentioned a herniated disk and possible surgery in other threads, plus my parents got into a bad car accident last summer and a close family member is bipolar and still trying to stabilize meds. I''ve started seeing the therapist to try to deal with stress better.)

One of my friends sent me an email last week saying that his dad has a possible position for my BF. We forwarded him BF''s resume, and my friend (who has had to sort through lots of resumes in the past) emailed back with some suggestions on improving it. BF got upset, because he''s run his resume past multiple people (career services, parents, professors) and everyone is giving him conflicting advice. On top of that, he''s already given the current version to at least one potential employer.

I''m getting concerned about his job search, because it''s so up in the air yet affects my choice of grad programs and our future. As a grad student, there''s no way that I''ll be able to financially support both of us. I feel like it''s hard to talk to him about it, because he''s also getting frustrated that it''s not going as smoothly as he had hoped.

Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be appreciated.

Blenheim

 

[ellewoods]

Blen:

I''m so sorry things are so stressful for you right now! It''s enough dealing with the stress of getting acceptances/rejections from schools and not knowing where you''ll be moving....without having to worry about how your BF will cope and find a job!

Obviously he doesn''t sound like a jerk, but he should be more proactive about applying for jobs. I think your therapist is totally right telling you NOT to do the work for him, this is something he needs to do himself. If you do all the legwork, you''ll be resentful of him later (if not now).
Your friend who mentioned the potential position with her father...that was a very nice lead for your boyfriend. So you guys sent his resume to her, and she gave suggestions how to improve it. No one likes criticism, but your boyfriend needs to think about this rationally -- basically he has an in for the job (even if its just to get an interview), via this friend. She gave advice on how to improve his resume. Obviously her advice will only HELP him get the job with her father. Your boyfriend needs to stop looking at this as a criticism, negative situation and a potential good job -- that he has a unique advantage to get.

It doesn''t matter that he has already sent 1 resume out in the previous version. He needs to look at the suggested changes, ask questions of the friend if he needs clarification, and if he''s not sure or doesn''t agree with the changes, go ask his career services office and other trusted people for advice. Then with all of that advice, he should make an informed decision about what to change and what to keep. And then he can prepare the strongest resume.

But he needs to get job searching like its a full time job. Search the job websites every day, make a goal of sending out X amount of applications per week. Start researching companies in the field he''d like to work in, send resumes stating he''d love to work there and what he can offer, etc. I know its tough to get your first real job out of college, but you can demonstrate a lot in a cover letter with what you''ve learned/worked on via internships, school-time experiences, etc.

The thing that''s troubling me is that you say you''ve applied to grad programs in cities where you guys think he can get a job. So you''ve gotten acceptances I assume. And so the ball is in your BF''s court -- he can pursue any of those cities you''ve gotten acceptances in. You''ve completely modeled your PhD applications towards where you guys think he can get a job. Yet he isn''t being proactive about the job search???

This isn''t a situation where you''ve applied to PhD programs wherever you wanted, and now he has to "follow" you and get a job in one of those cities. You guys made the decision together for you to apply to mutually agreeable cities and for him to get a job in one of them. Yet he''s not trying to hold up his end of the bargain. I''ve been through a lot of higher education myself (college, law school, specialty post-law school program), and not all schools or cities are measured the same. I would definitely discuss the locations with my BF, but I wouldn''t arrange my grad school search around where he can probably get a job, when he isn''t doing much to even try to get a job. Why should you decide to go to X school, in X state, and then he doesn''t put in the effort to find a job? You''ll be stuck in a city you didn''t choose for your own reasons, and he will either be unemployed or unable to move there.

I''m not trying to sound harsh or be mean, but I wouldn''t make your decision on where to get your PhD on where he decides he wants (or probably can) work....if he''s not putting effort into getting a job anywhere.

 

[firebirdgold]

You already applied to grad schools on the basis of where he might have the best chances of finding a job. So now pick your grad school on the basis of which is the best program for you.

Don''t push the job search subject anymore. If he really wants to be with you, he''ll step up to the plate and get his a$$ in gear. If he doesn''t....

well, the ball is in his court now.

 

[kcoursolle]

I can really relate to this! I don''t know if you want to hear too much of my story, but it is very similar and I''ll try to talk about some of the things I went through and how we dealt with it...and still deal with it. The best advice I can give you is to follow your gut... and to not sacrafice too much on your grad program. Also, you need to talk things out together, but he ultimately has to do the work of finding the job...which is hard to sit and wait... However, you can be supportive and encouraging and I think this helps. Here is a bit of my story:

I am currently a first year in a PhD program. Last year I applied to numerous graduate schools in several cities. Meanwhile, my boyfriend still had a couple of semesters left of school before he could even start looking for jobs. I had a hard time deciding where to go because most of the better schools were out of state from where we went to school and he really didn''t have any idea of his job prospects at the time I had to accept last spring. This was tough...and even though we are committed to each other, I worried...but we ARE getting through it, and it is possible. To make a long story short... We both did a bit of compromising, a lot of talking...and now some distance apart for a while. He agreed to move somewhere where he had good job prospects after he was done with school. I compromised a little and went with the second best school I got into because it was a city that has good job opporutnities for him (Los Angeles) and it was still a very strong program for me overall. However, this was a hard move for me...and I was pretty depressed for a while being several states away from him, living in a city so different than what I''m used to (I''ve only lived in MN and WI before moving to LA), not really having any close friends in the beginning, and adjusting to the huge work load of graduate school. It got a lot better over time. We are getting through the distance...we''ve been apart now since August. It''s not easy...but if you are committed it can work. Here''s the good news...he got a job in LA. However, he is currently doing job training in the midwest and won''t officially move out here until June. Regardless, it is going to happen!!! It is going to work!!! As some of you know, we also purchased a ring together (no proposal yet though), so things can work out.

I realise how hard it must be for you right now. It is hard because you want to have a good career, and you also want to be with him and have a future with him...and you can''t predict his job situation...and meanwhile you have to decide fast! I feel for ya! Whatever you do, I wouldn''t go to a poor graduate program that you are not happy with at the slight chance of a job for him. This may sound selfish, but obviously if you want to get your PhD your career is important to you. Relationships should be full of compromise, but right now you need to look out for yourself while still being supportive and encouraging of him. His job situation may change at any moment...and grad school is hard enough to get through as it is even going somewhere that would be 100% perfect for you. However, if there are some cities that are good for you and have better chances for him...than this may work. Also, I took my BF along with me to the recruitment weekend college visits. This was good because he got to see some of the programs I was considering and he felt like he had some input on the process if only because he could relate to my decision more. I think it ultimately helped as well because he got to see what a city felt like that he might be living in. He also hated one of the cities...and it was good that I knew this. Luckily it wasn''t one of my favorites either. Unfortunately, you will probably have to pick before he gets a job. This is ok, you can get through some challenging times. Either he can get a job where you move, you can get your MA and then transfer, there are many options... I know it is frustrating and there are times when you don''t know what to do...but go with your gut and be hopeful and encouraging...and know that it is possible to get through it. In the end, getting through tough times can actually be really good for a relationship.

 

[Blenheim]

Thanks for everyone''s advice. I know that I need to calm down and trust that he''ll get the job done -- I trust him in everything else, so why not this? -- but it''s sometimes hard to follow through with it.

Just to clarify something that I guess wasn''t very clear in the first post: I fortunately have not been put in the position where I''ve felt like I need to sacrifice the quality of the programs I''m applying to so that he''s able to get a job. What actually took more joint decision making on our part was my back-up schools; we both were happy with my first choices. My two favorites at the moment are incredibly similar on paper. Similar rankings, similar sizes, same general area of the country, same possibilities for finding a great dissertation advisor, etc. I''m visiting each over the next month, and hopefully that will help to really differentiate them in my mind and make it clear which one''s right for me. It''s just that if that doesn''t happen, and I like them both, it would be nice to be able to look at his job offerings in both.

So... relax, the ball is in his court. I suppose that the worst case is that we''ll move to the new city and work retail or something over the summer while he aggressively looks for jobs in his field during his free time. And ksoursolle, it''s reassuring to hear that everything will work out for you.

I''m going to try to talk to him some about ellewoods'' suggestions this afternoon, when it''s not late at night and we''re not both tired.

Thanks again ladies.

Blenheim

 

[Caribou]

Date: 3/8/2006 2:07:14 AM
Author: Wren
You already applied to grad schools on the basis of where he might have the best chances of finding a job. So now pick your grad school on the basis of which is the best program for you.

Don''t push the job search subject anymore. If he really wants to be with you, he''ll step up to the plate and get his a$$ in gear. If he doesn''t....

well, the ball is in his court now.

I totally agree. He''s pussy footing around it, you choose where you want to go and he''ll have to find a job there.

 

[decodelighted]

I just wanted to pipe in that picking something yourself, what''s best for YOU, might actually help him focus. I just went through the post-college-graduation blues with my younger brother. He''s super smart & awesome, but didn''t have much work experience. He had a VERY hard time getting the ball rolling with looking for jobs. Those of us not in it right not can forget how overwhelming it is to think about "joining the real world." You have more school - your path is more set - you actually have less stress than he does. He''s probably VERY concerned about being able to support himself & actually use all those skills he''s been getting in school - but also not wanting to humble himself with entry-level jobs - and fearful that whatever he chooses he''ll be "stuck with." It''s possible his fear is paralyzing him. (I believe that''s what was going on with my brother.)

BTW: I don''t think his indecision and seeming apathy really has ANYTHING to do with you or your relationship. Other than him wanting to become the kind of man/provider/partner he has the "potential" to be. It''s time for the rubber to hit the road. What you learn now, in the next year, will tell you a lot about what kind of man he''ll be & what kind of husband he''ll make.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Well, this sounds familiar....my bf wants to go to medical school, but is putting off applying until *after* I accept a grad school since he wants to do something "interesting" for two years. Now I'm all for interesting, but sometimes it is frustrating since I will be locked into a location before we know his options. He's making attempts to apply for jobs now, but isn't that invested in getting something in my city for the next two years. But he has never, ever suggested that I not go to the program that is best for me.

Anyway, here's the main point. Go to the best grad school you possibly can. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars....just do it. Jobs are avaliable everywhere. If he really wants to be with you, he can get a job working retail or a restaurant until he finds his dream job.

It would be a different story if he was applying to grad/law/med school as well and you two could work out the happy medium, or if he already had a spread of job options...but he doesn't. He should respect that this is your decision now. If he has to work in another city for a year and then transfer, that might be a solution as well.


ETA: For everyone, the job search is frustrating. I would advise not putting any more pressure on him. My bf is wigging out already and even the *suggestion* of pressure makes him blow a gasket these days because he feels he is trying his best. As long as your guy is not pressuring you to put off your decisions for him, I wouldn't worry. Something will come through! It's just a tough time.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Out of curiosity, where are your top choices/what is your subject?

 

[Blenheim]

Once again, thanks for everyone''s advice.

Decodelighted, a lot of what you said really reminds me of my BF. On top of worrying about supporting himself, he''s told me that he wants to be able to provide for me (as I won''t be able to afford many luxuries on a grad student stipend), and I''m sure that the pressure of that is building up.

As a little bit more of background, I had a talk with him in late January or early February about how I felt a little conflicted about his job search. I want to know that he''s getting things done, but I don''t to be a nag. He told me that he didn''t find it to be nagging, and actually would like someone to be accountable to (besides himself of course).

We had a talk about all of this over dinner tonight. I explained how I felt conflicted, and that I was having problems both trying to be his accountability person and be a caring girlfriend. He really understood. He''s had to lead groups, and said he knows that it''s almost impossible to be an effective leader as well as everyone''s friend. He might try to find someone else to be accountable to, and I''m going to try to remove myself much more from the process.

Because of what decodelighted said, I also asked him if it would help if I gave him a list of just two cities to choose from. He said that he''s only been working around my top two choices at the moment. If I change my mind after I visit, then he''s willing to start looking at other places. (I won''t be 100% sure what programs are best for me until I actually visit.)

And actually, even before we started talking about any of this, he mentioned that he''s really going to try to get his act together about everything over the next couple of weeks. I''m just really hoping that he follows through.

Rainbowtrout, I''m especially reluctant to give any identifying personal information after reading what Storm posted in the hangout section. I''m going to grad school in a field that''s dominated by men and foreign grad students, so being a woman sets me apart already. I feel like I can trust you, but not everybody else out there.

My top two choices, as of now, are located somewhere scarily cold (to me at least).