Feeling Guilty

[GoingCrazy29]

Ever since my FF told me that we would be engaged by April, I''ve started to feel a little guilty about something...

I know this is kind of the reverse of a few posts I''ve read on here, so here it goes. I feel guilty that I may be getting engaged/married before my older sister (she''s only 18 months older, but still older). She has been with her boyfriend off and on again since she was 14, and solidly on for 5 years now. I''ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years. She moved down to South Carolina to be with her SO over a year ago, and we all assumed they would get engaged shortly thereafter. That didn''t happen, and unless he is just planning on shocking the heck out of us and she is TOTALLY clueless- I don''t think he''s planning anything soon. He is starting his PhD that will last for 3 more years, and I don''t think they''ve talked about rings or anything yet (she is as picky about jewelry as I am). They went on a vacation 2 weeks ago, and I was crossing my fingers he would ask then- but no luck.

I just feel a little guilty that I may get engaged first, since they have been together longer and she''s my older sister. I know she''ll be SUPER happy for me, and she''ll be my MOH (and vice versa)- but I know she is really ready to get engaged too and I want it to happen so badly for her.

I know it will be hectic for my family to have our weddings so near each other, but I think it would be awesome to plan stuff with her! We all LOVE her SO, and I just want them to get engaged first.

Am I being silly to feel guilty about this when there is nothing I can do about it?!

(sorry this turned out longer than expected!)

 

[Lauren8211]

Silly to feel that way? Maybe. Is it normal? Definitely.

I guess I just feel like worrying about whether the older sister marries first or not just brings back the whole engagement-competition thing. That''s really not what it should be. They should marry when they feel ready.

The only reason you feel guilty is because you''re assuming she''ll be jealous or hurt. I don''t think she''d feel that way. It may make her want to give her SO a kick in the pants, but she will be genuinely happy for you since you guys are so close.

Keep in mind I have no sisters, so I''m not sure how the sister thing works. Just be sensitive to her needs also, and make sure when you''re excited about your engagement, you''re excited about her life too. That way it doens''t make it seem like engagement is all there is to life. She''ll get there, too. Hopefully sooner than later!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

First of all, let go of your guilt. Getting engaged to a man you love is nothing to feel guilty about...even if your sister is older and unengaged presently.

They, as a couple, are in a different place...still in school (PhD program and all) and perhaps they aren''t (or he isn''t) ready to purpose. Getting married is entirely their decision, completely seperate from your own. If you and your SO feel like "now is the time, lets do this thing"...congratulations, celebrate it! When they reach that point and have that same feeling, it will be there turn.

Its very sweet that you''re so concerned about your sisters feelings. Clearly you two are extremely close, and that is heart warming to hear. But, you''re ruining your own happiness by weighing it down with doubts. April is still many many many months away...a lot could happen between now and them. Prehaps a Christmas purposal, or an impromptu one at some random point...but then again, prehaps not. However, no matter what happens, celebrate your life...don''t live it for someone else.

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Goin Crazy... don''t worry too much about it. I''ve been on the flip side. I''m five years older than one sister & three years older than other -- both got hitched WAY before me. One almost TEN YEARS before me. Yup. Crazy! (They''re still together & very happy BTW -- that wasn''t the crazy part). Sure it stung a little - but I didn''t harbor any ill feelings toward *them*. Just a little sorry for myself. Both happened shortly after breakups too! Ooof.

If anything, just be available & open to talking about her feelings if she shares any. My 2nd sis to wed is a little princessy ANYWAY ... and her wedding was a big "me me me" fest. I will confess that during that time I felt it was very unfair that she got so much attention & presents & parties & new pretty dresses & fancy shoes & earrings & a trip & a huge rock & a wedding ring & a new house ... PLUS THE MAN ... all at the same TIME. And single gals get squat.

But, ha, it''s like celebs getting all the free booty & us mere mortals getting nada. Anyhoo -- I confessed my jealousy & we had a great talk about it. She told me about all the stresses & pressures and stuff involved in getting married and I was able to get a clearer picture & feel less "everything is magicland for ___"

My time came soon enough. What can I say, I''m a late bloomer!

 

[fieryred33143]

It isn''t silly you are feeling guilty although I don''t think guilty is the right word for what you are feeling. I think its a mixture of sadness for your sister and a little bit of anger towards her boyfriend.

I would go about your business as it is happening now and continue to be there for your sister. I hope you both get the engagement you deserve!

 

[ash313]

I can speak from your sister''s POV somewhat, here. You may have seen this recent post of mine.

SO and I have been dating on and off almost 10 years, have been going strong for 4 and have lived together for 2.5. I imagine that when we moved in together, our families probably expected a proposal soon. We''ve always known we were waiting awhile, as we''re both in grad school, etc. We have been talking much more seriously in about the last six months about getting engaged.

SO''s little sister (who we are both VERY close to, and she will be my MOH someday) had been dating her boyfriend for about 5 years. She is 3.5 years younger than us. They got engaged last month, and are planning a June 2010 wedding. SO and I have talked about December 2009.

She once told me that she was worried she would get engaged before SO and I. Sort of like you and your sister, she wants me to marry her brother so badly, and has watched me be an LIW for some time! I told her not to worry about such silly things. Of course, I was so excited for her when she got engaged. We did, however, have the whole discussion about stealing thunder, etc. I wanted to make sure she knew exactly how happy I was for her, but expressed that I was feeling concerned that SO and I would get engaged fairly soon, and may even marry before them! I was worried about stealing the limelight from them, and getting married close together is hard. She couldn''t care less, and was just excited to plan with me!

So, you may be assuming that your big sister will feel jealous. This is HIGHLY doubtful. You are her sister, you are close, and she will be overwhelmingly happy for you. Trust me. They have a plan, and coming from someone who is currently in grad school with SO, this is a choice we made together. We knew it would delay our wedding plans, but choose this path together. I imagine your sister''s situation is similar.

There is NO reason for you to feel guilty. This is your time, enjoy it! Just be open and honest with your sister, nothing worse than the elephant in the room like: "this was supposed to be you..." Once someone voices it, it feels so much better and more comfortable.

 

[LaraOnline]

awesome post Decodelighted!

 

[mayachel]

Without mentioning the guilt part, I wonder if you would feel comfortable talking to her boyfriend, letting him know that you and yours are planning to get engaged before April, and are wondering if he has any plans of his own, maybe in a, give him an idea, time to push things forward sort of way. Sometimes engagements are contagious!

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 8/13/2008 10:12:25 AM
Author: mayachel
Without mentioning the guilt part, I wonder if you would feel comfortable talking to her boyfriend, letting him know that you and yours are planning to get engaged before April, and are wondering if he has any plans of his own, maybe in a, give him an idea, time to push things forward sort of way. Sometimes engagements are contagious!

I think this is a great idea IF you''re pretty sure that he''s planning to propose anyway. You''d have to be delicate. Something like "We know you''re just getting into school and all and don''t know what your plans are, but just in CASE you were thinking proposal would come soon, we wanted to heads up you that we''ll be doing the same, so that maybe you can jump the gun on us for sis''s sake?"

That leaves him lots of out in case he''s not planning on proposing any time soon or at all, but gives him notice in case he''s just dragging his feet a little.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think it''s very sweet that you''re being so considerate, even overly considerate

She''s your sister! She loves you and wants nothing but the best for you!!

I know that many times you hear from the ladies in waiting that it is really tough when a very good friend or even a sister gets engaged first. I think we''ve all been there. You have to realize, though, that when a woman is frustrated, she''s not frustrated with the person who got engaged, she''s frustrated because it reminds her of where she is (er, isn''t?) in her own relationship. I know that might sound snarky, but maybe your sister sort of needs a kick in the butt to evaluate her own relationship.

It sounds like you and your sister have a very loving relationship and if that''s the case, there''s no way she wouldn''t be excited for you. Just try not to let your sister''s frustration with her own relationship affect your relationship--and if she wants to open up to you about it down the road, you''ll be there for her.

 

[allycat0303]

My younger sister got married before me (I was engaged before and have been with my fiance for much longer..about 7 years longer, but that is a long and ugly story). She ended up being married first, and although it bothered me at first, not that she was married first but the circumstances around it, I quickly adjusted and it went very well. There was no drama etc., and on her wedding day, never the sense of being sad or that it was unfair.

I think it is very considerate of you to think of her, but it sounds to me like they are in different places. Realistically, she will probably feel a tinge of disappointment that she is not married first, but it will probably be no more then that.

 

[trillionaire]

Interesting post.

SO''s brother, who is 15 mos younger, got married last month. He and his now-wife, had been dating on and off for a few years, while SO and I have been together for five. Let me tell you, it was a little more than awkward to have to tell people at the wedding that we had been dating for 5 years, and to have them look at us like we were Martians...

Especially because most of his family KNEW me, and had never met her(the bride) at all.

HOWEVER, it was a wonderful experience. SO got to see a wedding involving his family, and it really helped him to see himself there too. We had only recently begun to seriously discuss marriage, but the wedding really seemed to ramp things up for him. His family was really excited about the prospect of us getting married, and they made no effort to hide their obvious expectation and enthusiasm. And they made me get in their family photos. Soon after, he was asking me things like, "did the wedding make you want to get married?" and "are you mad that she beat you to the altar?"

I say this because your engagement could put positive pressure on your sister''s BF, especially if they have a good time at your wedding. Everyone has to follow the comfortable course for their own relationship, but sometimes the unknown seems scary. Experiencing a family wedding together is really special, not to mention THE BEST excuse for talking constantly about marriage and weddings

It could actually help to move things forward for them... I know a few couples who got engaged after younger siblings, but married before. Apparently people can get competitive about these things!

For the record, I am a middle child, and will in all likelihood be the 1st to marry...

 

[gwendolyn]

You''re very sweet to think about that. With some people, it does become an issue, but from what you''ve said, it sounds like your sister will be completely thrilled for you.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Date: 8/13/2008 10:12:25 AM
Author: mayachel
Without mentioning the guilt part, I wonder if you would feel comfortable talking to her boyfriend, letting him know that you and yours are planning to get engaged before April, and are wondering if he has any plans of his own, maybe in a, give him an idea, time to push things forward sort of way. Sometimes engagements are contagious!

My mom is on it!

She has been letting him know that we have finished ring shopping and that we are planning on getting engaged sometime within 12 months. He didn''t say anything promising about their own engagement, but maybe he''s just keeping it to himself and this will give him a good kick in the pants

. HIS mom (who we are all friends with after them being together for so long) told my mom that she thought it would happen last Christmas, but that was just an assumption that obviously didn''t happen. We think that its a money issue since he is starting his PhD, but he''ll do it when he (and their relationship) is ready! Thanks for the advice though, Mayachel.

Ally, leeNY, Deco, and Trillionaire- THANK YOU SO MUCH for posting about your own experiences from the "older sister" position. It made me feel so much better. I know she will feel a twinge of hurt, but I know it will not be about us and our engagement- but about her relationship and the waiting! Overall, her feelings will be just as mine will be for her: excitement and joy!

Everyone else- Thank you so much for taking the time to post and giving your insights on the situation. Its sometimes hard to see the big picture when you''re smack dab in the middle of it. I know things will work out and she will be so happy for us, and I will be so happy for her when her time comes as well. Hopefully our engagements won''t be TOO far apart

 

[purrfectpear]

You''re a better sister than I would be. I would have already grabbed him by the throat and said "look dude, it''s been years now, are you going to marry my sister or what !!!"

 

[tessari]

My younger sister got engaged at around the time I was going through a break-up (she was only 20 at the time). It didn''t really occur to me that she would be getting married before me--maybe because there was so much drama surrounding her own relationship--they never got married.

Also, my BF''s younger brother got married a year ago--so he will be married for almost 3 years by the time we are married. It gives more time for his family to get excited about another wedding. Plus I will be much less of a bridezilla. haha.

I am sure your sister will be so happy for you...each relationship is different, so it''s hard to compare.

 

[katamari]

Hi GoingCrazy. I am sure that with a sister as compassionate as you, your sister will be fine with what ever happens. Especially if you talk to her about it after it happens, like lee did, it should be fine.

As a PhD student myself, I agree that it is just a different point in your life. Your sister, dating one, has to know this. None of my friends marry before 30, we are all crazy workaholics, and don''t really think about other life stuff beyond our research/discipline (that''s why I come to PS to get my fix. hehe). My guess is that she has totally accepted his academic/career life guiding their time line. Either way she is going to be happy for you!

 

[vita*dolce]

aw, sorry you''re feeling guilty!! i understand where you''re coming from, as i have two older sisters, neither or whom are married or engaged yet and my SO and i are talking about getting engaged and i''m not sure how my eldest sister would take it.... but as to your situation, i think it''s so sweet that you''re so considerate of your sisters feelings but you shouldn''t let irrational feelings of guilt overshadow this monumental time in your life!! your sister wants you to be happy, so celebrate what you have!! YOU''RE ABOUT TO BE ENGAGED!!!!

 

[choro72]

I totally understand your guilt. I feel the same way for my younger sister, because she has been with her boyfriend for a longer time. Don''t worry about it, she will be super happy for you. What I do though, is make sure that I don''t go all out chatting non stop about our wedding when I''m with my sister. I want to know what is going on in her life, and I make sure that the wedding is not the center of my attention.