Feeling Sad...Need to Vent

[Ms.Goggles]

I don't know where else to say this, so I figured I'd just put it out in the universe here. I just got off the phone with FI and I'm bawling. I feel like such a whiny brat. Basically, I am just feeling really unloved. FI and I are getting married in 3.5 months and not a single person has brought up throwing me a shower or planning my bachelorette party. I know that I shouldn't assume that I'll be having these things, but I just feel so hurt, like the people I love don't love me enough to think about it.

I've just always loved going to wedding showers- celebrating and honoring the bride, all the women getting together...like some rite of passage. It's been especially difficult since I've been getting all the other shower invitations for my friends who are getting married around the same time or after us, some of whom are having multiple showers. Why am I equating love with showers? I don't know...but I am. I just feel like I'm missing out. I feel so hurt.

ETA: Sorry, I posted because FI walked in the door and I don't want him to know I feel bad. I had confided in him that I was upset and worried no one would think about it, so when he just called me he told me he brought it up to FSIL. I guess she said she would take it on, but she's going to use some of the money that FMIL was going to give us as a wedding present to pay for it. Is it wrong that that hurts me even more? Like, the only way anyone wants to throw me a shower is if we (essentially) pay for it? Ugh...I have some really good friends, but it's not like I'm about to ASK them for a shower or bachelorette party. I thought this was something you were excited to do for your friends...

 

[ladypirate]

Ms. Goggles--I was in the exact same place a few weeks ago. No joke. I don''t know why, but no one had brought it up and I couldn''t understand why.

Have you tried talking to your mom or any siblings about it? It might be that everyone thinks someone else is doing it. I know that you aren''t supposed to ask someone to throw you a shower/bach party, but it might be worth bringing it up with your bridesmaids. Turns out that mine didn''t realize that it was supposed to be a couple months in advance of the wedding, so they hadn''t thought about it yet. They are super excited about it, though, and all my worrying was for absolutely nothing.

*hugs* I totally know how you feel and it sucks. I hope that it all works itself out.

 

[nkarma]

I am sorry

I would be pretty sad and emotional about that too. Maybe it's like another post someone had on here about throwing the bride a surprise bachlorette party? Do you have a wedding party? Maybe people are assuming your wedding party will do it. If I were you, I would just call up my best friend/sister/MOH and ask in a completely nonconfrontational calm way if they were planning anything. So definitely settle down first. Weddings I think somehow bring out both the best and worst in people...I don't know why there has to be so much drama but it inevitable and I find people act in ways you wouldn't expect them to.

 

[laughwithme]

Aww sweetie, I am sorry to hear about how you''re feeling. I do want to mention one thing, though -

A couple months ago, I was also concerned that no one had asked me about throwing a shower (my wedding is late June.) I started stressing about it so bad, that I was near tears. FI began drafting an email to his mom to ask her to throw me a shower, but I felt so uncomfortable, I made him delete the email. I was venting to my MOH about it and part of me wished that SHE would just step up and get the hint. My mom lives 2000 miles away so it wasn''t an option for her. My sisters had said nothing about having one. I was a ball of confusion about the entire thing - you don''t want to ASK people, but you don''t want to NOT have one. Anyway, I did something that I rarely do (I am very independent and type A) - I emailed my dad a very bummed out message and said, "what should I do?"

He replied back and was shocked - his sister (my aunt) had apparently been telling him from the day I got engaged, that she wanted to host my shower. She had never ONCE told me! So I called her, and she said she hadn''t said anything to me because she thought it was too soon. She didn''t realize that this day in age, people plan showers months ahead of time. Then - to my total disbelief - about a week later, my sister texted me, "hey! has anyone offered to throw you a shower?" Then a few weeks later, FMIL told FI that her sisters-in-law will probably be throwing me their own shower, as well.

My point is - like the PP said - sometimes, everyone thinks that everyone else is throwing you a shower. And its very, very, very hard - but you need to let a couple key people know that no one has stepped up, so word gets out. I do think its kind of weird that your FSIL is using part of your cash gift for the shower, but I just really hope she doesn''t hold that against you or make you feel strange about it. As for the bachelorette party - if it were ME, personally, I would rather not have a party, than ask a friend to host one for me. So I would just continue to hang on, and hopefully someone says something. They might just be procrastinating, OR throwing you a surprise party.

And, at the end of the day - remember this. You are loved, very very very much by the person who matters most - the guy you''re marrying! Thats the whole reason you''re going through this. In a few months, this uncomfortable situation will be over and a thing of the past. Try to hang in there!

 

[Nov2109]

you''re not a whiny brat.

My mom had to tell me she was throwing me a shower bc none of my friends had brought it up....it really hurt my friends didnt think it was a big deal.

Who knows what is going on with my bachlorette party, i know one of my BMs said she wouldnt take a night off from bartending to go.

You have every right to feel hurt, but try not to let it get to you if you can.

I keep telling myself its because my friends are really young and don''t know any better...maybe that is your situation too? Or they don''t have the money?

 

[Treasure43]

I agree that a lot of people don''t realize how early you throw showers. The only reason my MOH knows is that she was a MOH in another wedding about a year ago. I don''t know how your relationship with your MOH is but I''d bring up a shower and see what she says. It''s VERY possible she doesn''t realize how early they''re typically done. You''re not a whiny brat for wanting a shower. I agree that it is kind of like a ritual rite of passage and I think most brides really look forward to it. I don''t think it''s about the gifts so much as it is about women coming together to celebrate your marriage.

 

[AustenNut]

So sorry to hear about the disappointment you''re feeling in terms of the lack of people volunteering to throw you a party. Perhaps they''re not aware that it''s their responsibility? For instance, when I was 16 I was my sister''s maid of honor and knew nothing about doing that kind of stuff. And when I was her maid of honor again about 8 or 9 years later (making me 24 or 25) I didn''t do anything of the sort, largely because I was basing it off of my previous time being her MOH. Ditto when I was a bridesmaid for a college friend (though we did live 800 miles apart). So partly it might be ignorance.

Also, what does your invite list look like? Most of my list (like 90%) is coming from all over the country. And apart from the pastor and family members who live close by, nobody else local is invited. So I don''t expect anyone to throw me a shower for a wedding to which they''re not invited. But then again, as it''s probably obvious from my previous bridesmaid experiences, maybe I''m completely in the wrong here and and people still do it.

I''m sorry that you''re hurting though and I hope everything turns out well in the end.

 

[caribqueen]

I understand, but you should try not to worry. You haven''t mentioned if you have bridesmaids or not? If you do, would you feel comfortable broaching the subject with your MOH by just asking her. It''s hard, but try to give your family and friends the benefit of the doubt. If they''ve been supportive in other ways, I would try not to think that just because they haven''t mentioned a shower, that they don''t love you.

I think being a bride is one of those things, where you have no way of knowing what your time will be like. Folks aren''t spending their time on message boards and researching etiquette and ideas on the Internet like we do right now. I even used to get ticked off when people would call and continually ask me for the wedding date. It made me feel unimportant, but then I realized that while this is a big deal for me, for others, attending my wedding is just one of the things they''ll do this year. So maybe they overlook these details.

In my case, my MOH mentioned early on that she''d be doing some sort of shower, but she''s also been in plenty of weddings and also been a MOH before. As for a bachelorette party, I haven''t heard any rumblings about that other then from my party animal cousin who''s flying in from London. So I plan to just call up some girls and get them together when she arrives in town we''ll go out one night. I didn''t realize that it''s customary for others to plan it, but oh well.

I wish you well.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I`m sorry this is happening and making you so upset

Maybe they just haven`t planned it yet and are waiting until closer to the date...

 

[zipzapgirl]

You never told us your situation with OOT bridesmaids and/or wedding guests, so that might play a role. Lots of times showers end up being a local thing, so if people are everywhere and just coming in for the wedding, it might not really be possible. We had our wedding in Europe and our friends and families were literally dispersed over three continents. My two bridesmaids lived in another country--that was my fault, but it was more about the people than the roles.

I know you can''t throw a shower for yourself, but you could plan your own bachelorette party. If you don''t get any concrete feedback from your MOH or bridesmaids, take charge of the situation with an email about possible dates and activities.

I had a lot of friends in my city who didn''t really know each other well coming from various circles. I organized my own night out (drag queen club and dancing and drinks afterwards

) and the girls loved it! No one said it was weird that I organized and everyone had a good time. It''s a bit like your birthday--you can wait for someone to show up and sing, or you can invite everyone over for cake.