Feeling so down at the moment :-(

[chocolatefudge]

Hi Ladies,

I am generally very happy person but am the moment am feeling sooooo depressed! It all started when my little cat, Brian, went misisng last Friday. I was in tears all weekend and printed out posters and pushed them through every letterbox on my estate. Still no Brian. One of my neighbours said they had seen him in their garden on Sunday and then a little boy said he was in his garden on Wednesday. This cheered me up considerably as I was so relieved that he was simply having an adventure somewhere rather than killed on the road! However, my neighbour turned up later in the week with ''Brian'' but it wasn''t him! They had confused him with another cat! Then my other neighbour did the same thing on Thursday, rang the doorbell to say ''Brian'' was in the street! I ran out in my pyjamas (embarassing!!) to get him but it was the other cat again!
Anyway, he''s still not back and it''s been over a week now. He is not the type to stray a all, he is a big baby and usually wants to be with me all the time.

Anyway that''s been upsetting me all week but also other things....... I have been very calm about getting engaged lately and not mentioned it at all. I really thought this is what my boyfriend needed, a bit of space. However, I just don''t think he feels any closer at all. We had a big talk a few weeks ago about saving money to buy a house and get married. I want to get married first, he wants the house (we already live together but renting.) I can''t remember us coming to a definite conclusion although I did tell him that if the house prices did suddenly drop (as they appear to be) then it probably would be sensible to buy.
Anyway I''ve been saving and saving and he was too but I didn''t really understand whether we are saving to get engaged/married or for a house! When I tried to ask him he said, "Haven''t we been through all this already?" And got really funny about it.

Anyway his car died a couple of weeks ago so he''s bought a new one, using all his savings to do so. Now I don''t know where we are!! Things just seem to be sliding further back. I felt like we had a break through the other night when I mentioned something about him not being ready for marriage and he said, "I''m ready now." However, last night I tried to ask him something about a time-line and he was playing on his playstation and would not answer! He was pretending not to hear so I got in a big huff and went to bed. Then he tried to act all nice saying, "Why are you going to bed?"

I just feel like it''ll never happen! He has given me a date of the end of this year but I can''t say that I honestly believe this. I love him so much and know he loves me but I really don''t think he wants to/ is ready to get married. I feel like I want to move forward with my life- buy a house, have a baby, but feel like I can''t do/ don''t want to do these things until I''m married.

Anyway rant over. Think I''m just feeling miserable because of my cat. I think my whole ''proposal panic'' comes in waves because I can be so chilled out about it for ages and then it''s back with a vengeance!

Please come back Brian!!

 

[claireabelle]

*HUG*

You must be so distressed... it''s awful when a pet goes missing. I guess just keep looking and try not to think of the worst... he might just be shaking up at a neighbors or something...

Try not to think too much about your LIW issues at the moment.... all your emotions will be heightened because of the stress you''re going through with Brian...

I really hope everything works out for you. best wishes finding your kitty x

 

[Deelight]

Chocolate I am really sorry to hear about your kitty

I hope he returns safe and sound to you soon.



I agree with Claire your probably on edge cause your kitty is missing so it tends to exacerbate everything else you may be slightly stressed worried about.

Try not to worry to much, have you tried leaving a little opening for your kitty to get back into your house somewhere?

 

[gwendolyn]

First of all!! *BIG hugs* I am so sorry about your kitty. Maybe he got lost and someone else has found him and has been feeding him, so his return home is a bit delayed? That happens a lot with my friend's cat. I'm hoping it's something like that!

Anyway, I can understand your frustration. I keep drilling J about the same thing over and over again (jobs/work visas, not marriage), and since I keep asking and very little has changed since the LAST time I brought it up, I think he gets frustrated because I'm frustrated. Not a fun cycle.

I also have learned (through experience!) that it's generally NOT the best time to talk to guys about anything at all when they're playing video games. Just a thought.

Basically, you already know what it comes down to, babe. If you aren't sure he's in the same stage as you, don't take the next step with him. Don't buy a house together. Don't renew your lease. SHOW him that you mean business, that you want to get married (or at least engaged) before things go any further. How miserable are you going to be if you buy a house with him and he settles down as if you're married and then says, "What's the point? We basically are already!" (Happened to a friend of mine!) If you aren't sure, you aren't sure. It's not right or wrong, it's just how it is. In my opinion, you need to figure out exactly what you want (ie: do you HAVE to save up for ages to get engaged? No, not if you don't get a really expensive ring. Same goes for getting married). And then talk to him. Tell him your plans, and how you want him to be a part of them, but you AREN'T feeling secure enough to buy a house without definite plans to get married. If you've already been living together, what's the hold up? He needs to tell you. But...you should probably wait to talk to him until the situation with your kitty is resolved.

I hope it goes well, darlin'. And I really hope you find your kitty soon!!

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

hey chocolatefudge

I am sorry that brian is missing, but as some people have seen him I am sure he is doing well and it''s only a question on time till he''ll find back home.

About your discussions with your BF: I think you should not pressure him by asking for a timeline at the moment. You are obviously having financial issues at the moment (the car and the house) and I am sure that this situation is tough for him as well. He already told you that he is ready for marriage - and I would believe that if he says so - BUT you are not ready from a financial point of view. I am convinced that your BF wants to buy you a nice engagement ring and a wedding needs a lot of money as well... So I guess he is in some way in the same situation as you are: he wants to marry you and he is ready - but there are some other financial priorities that need to be solved first. That does not mean that the wedding is less important: I think BECAUSE your wedding is MOST important, he wants to have the possibility and the financial means first to give you a wonderful wedding and to start your new life as a married couple in a stable environment with a nice house and without any financial issues!

 

[lovesparklies]

Hi chocolatefuge,
I had a cat when I was younger that went missing for 13 days without a trace. He was a big baby too and I thought he was gone forever. But then on that 13th day he showed up at the door and I couldn''t believe it! I decided he had gone on his one big adventure in life. Hopefully Brian is out exploring the world and will get homesick soon!
As far as the engagement angst, I''m right there with you. The ladies above have given you good advice so I won''t add more there. I hope you feel better soon!

 

[smiles]

Huge hugs! That sounds like a very stressful week!! Hopefully your cat is found and it will all work out!!!!! keep us posted!!!! <3

 

[pjean]

I''m with Gwendolyn (on several things. Go Gwendolyn!). If someone is feeding Brian, he could still be on vacation for a bit, and then decide to wander home. It happened to my mother 2 years ago.

When my FI is playing video games or watching tv, I don''t say anything I expect him to remember. He''s way better at conversations that happen when we''re walking somewhere, or in the car, or puttering around the apartment. It''s just not worth the stress to try to talk to him, even if I *really* want to.

I think it would be totally reasonable in your position to be hesitant about buying a house pre-commitment. You would probably have to compromise with regard to the kind of ring you might expect, but house and engagement shouldn''t be mutually exclusive. (I should know - I got a ring 2 weeks ago and we put an offer on a condo that same week. We''ll be eating ramen noodles for quite a while, though!)

Take care of yourself, especially now while you''re so worried about Brian. {{{hugs}}}

 

[chocolatefudge]

Thanks ladies, you have given some really good advice

A lady phoned me earlier to say she thinks she just saw Brian crossing the road by her house! She said he was wearing a brown collar! That s a bonus as the ''wrong cat'' doesn''t wear a collar. I rushed around but there was no sign of him, however I am feeling more hopeful.

Regarding the engagement thing, I guess I will just have to wait and stop pushing. I know he wants it to be a surprise and so he isn''t keen on a timeline, however I also aren''t convinced that he is ready. I think that he wants to make me happy and so tells me what I want to hear, he has said we would be engaged "after this" lots of times before and it''s never happened. Looking back we weren''t really ready before but now we so are! Well in my opinion!

It just seems to come so easily to some people, together a year, engaged and then married. I start thinking really stupid things like, "Does he love her more than my bf loves me?" I cant help it!! We''ve been together 7 years and I just feel ready to take the next step, however all the next steps seem to start with getting married. We are both settled in our careers now and I really thought it would happen after that, but no......
Anyway I will stop moaning now and go have another look for my little Brian.

Thanks again girls!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I agree - DO NOT BUY A HOUSE until he proposes.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

First of all, I am sorry about brian, but don''t give up hope. Our Maggie went missing for a week once and we were terrified. We lived near a busy road and when put in a cage, she goes nuts like you wouldn''t believe. We were afraid if she got turned into the humane society they would think she was faral and put her down. Turns out within hours of her disappearance, she has found a new home for a week and was fine.
You might put out a can of sardines or anxchovies on your front pourch at night and keep an eye out. I was trying to catch a faral once, and the smell is so strong and enticing you have a good chance of them coming. The other option is to take something thar smells like home like an old shirts he likes or something, and drag it around from your house to where the neighbor saw him. If he smells home, he may be able to pick up the trail better and get home.

As for the house. Don''t. It seems like a good idea, but a house is a HUGE commitment, especially without a strong commitment from your BF. Assume you give him a timeline for things to happen after you get the house and he doesn''t follow through, you are still liable for the house even if you two split. The fact that savings went to new car for him rather some cheap beater just to get around sounds like he is not ready to make a commitment to your intrests and recipricolly, you shouldn''t be so ready to make one to his.

 

[Ms.Dreamy]

Date: 5/17/2008 11:59:45 AM
Author: chocolatefudge
Thanks ladies, you have given some really good advice


A lady phoned me earlier to say she thinks she just saw Brian crossing the road by her house! She said he was wearing a brown collar! That s a bonus as the ''wrong cat'' doesn''t wear a collar. I rushed around but there was no sign of him, however I am feeling more hopeful.


Regarding the engagement thing, I guess I will just have to wait and stop pushing. I know he wants it to be a surprise and so he isn''t keen on a timeline, however I also aren''t convinced that he is ready. I think that he wants to make me happy and so tells me what I want to hear, he has said we would be engaged ''after this'' lots of times before and it''s never happened. Looking back we weren''t really ready before but now we so are! Well in my opinion!

It just seems to come so easily to some people, together a year, engaged and then married. I start thinking really stupid things like, ''Does he love her more than my bf loves me?'' I cant help it!! We''ve been together 7 years and I just feel ready to take the next step, however all the next steps seem to start with getting married. We are both settled in our careers now and I really thought it would happen after that, but no......

Anyway I will stop moaning now and go have another look for my little Brian.


Thanks again girls!

ooops, I didn''t know that you are together for 7 years!!!

From your story I assumed you must be together for only 2 or 3 years ... Well, in this case I think the other ladies are right: have a serious talk with that guy and try to find out how/if he sees your future together!
I wish you all the best for that and that your kitty finds home in the next days.

 

[Independent Gal]

Definitely do not buy a house WITH him, until you''re engaged (or married?).

But you know what? You can certainly buy a house on your own. You don''t have to wait for him to be a homeowner if you want to be.

Live your own life. He''ll catch up if he wants to. And if he doesn''t want to, then at least you haven''t been wasting your life and your time, putting off what you want by sitting around waiting for him.

Achieve what you want to achieve. Do what you want to do.

I hope Brian comes home safely!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/17/2008 3:13:38 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Definitely do not buy a house WITH him, until you''re engaged (or married?).

But you know what? You can certainly buy a house on your own. You don''t have to wait for him to be a homeowner if you want to be.

Live your own life. He''ll catch up if he wants to. And if he doesn''t want to, then at least you haven''t been wasting your life and your time, putting off what you want by sitting around waiting for him.

Achieve what you want to achieve. Do what you want to do.

I hope Brian comes home safely!

A big fat DITTO, especially this:

DO NOT buy a house with him until you are engaged or married.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Good luck finding your pet!

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/17/2008 3:59:58 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 5/17/2008 3:13:38 PM

Author: Independent Gal

Definitely do not buy a house WITH him, until you''re engaged (or married?).


But you know what? You can certainly buy a house on your own. You don''t have to wait for him to be a homeowner if you want to be.


Live your own life. He''ll catch up if he wants to. And if he doesn''t want to, then at least you haven''t been wasting your life and your time, putting off what you want by sitting around waiting for him.


Achieve what you want to achieve. Do what you want to do.


I hope Brian comes home safely!

A big fat DITTO, especially this:


DO NOT buy a house with him until you are engaged or married.

thritto. Please don''t buy a house with him until you''re at least engaged. If he''s ready now, then what''s holding him up. It doesn''t have to be an expensive ring-he could propose with a band and then you guys could pick the e-ring when you have money saved up again. It just seems that he won''t get into a discussion about it and that''s what would worry me. And I hope that Brian makes it home soon. That''s great that a lady might have spotted him yesterday.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Hi Everyone,

Well am feeling much better (although Brian is still mising.) Last night me and boyfriend went to visit som friends. On the way I said something about glad we had some time to talk and he said, "Don''t start this again, I don''t want to argue about weddings!" It really annoyed me!! So I said, "What do you mean argue? Why do we have to argue? I want to talk to you and it''s not just about getting married it''s about everything." So he looked a bit sheepish and said ok. We discussed buying a house and he said that he thought with the market the way it is that we are best staying where we are for a year or two. I agreed and we started to talk about getting married. I think a huge fear of his is the amount of money it is going to cost (I hadn''t realised this before.) We would be paying for it ourselves and I think he felt that there was no way we should get engaged until we had saved quite a bit of money to pay for the wedding. I began to tell him that we could save money on lots of things, my dad could do the cake (he is very talented with novelty cakes), my sister could do the flowers (she has completetd a floristry course) etc. Then he said how the one thing he wouldn''t want me to compromise on was my dress and he would want me to have the dress of my dreams. I was beginning to think, is this really my boyfriend?!?

Anyway I feel so much better and told him that we would be able to get engaged and save as we went along for the wedding (especially if we continue renting which is much cheaper than paying a mortgage!) I feel sooooo much better. Still aren''t sure WHEN it will happen but feel happier that it WILL.

Independent Gal - There''s no way I could buy a house by myself. The situation in England is horrendous at the moment and no banks are lending money. I do have a good job and am paid well but it would be a massive struggle.

Can''t remember who said something about my boyfriend being selfish about spending all his money on his car but I really don''t resent him for that. He''s ALWAYS wanted a new acar and I encouraged him to go for it. Once we have a mortgage and kids etc I think it would be much harder for him and I bought myself one last year and would feel very selfish if I hadn''t let him do the same because I wanted the money for something else.

Thanks again ladies!

 

[gwendolyn]

I''m glad you talked with him, darlin''. And that was very sweet about him saying he''d want you to have the dress of your dreams.

 

[Independent Gal]

Ah, you''re in England. I lived there for two years (in Oxford and then in London) and I remember how INSANELY high the cost of living is there. So, yeah, that does change things in terms of buying your own place.

You could still live on your own though, if you wanted to. Or with room-mates.

And weddings don''t have to cost much.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Thaks again for replies ladies.

Brian STILL not back I am beginning to think he may have been stolen. He is 10 months old but very small and still looks like a kitten. He is tabby but with spots rather than stripes and looks a bit like a bengal cat I''m worried someone thinks he is worth a lot of money (he''s not!) and has take him. Just going to try and attach a pic but always seem to struggle...... hopefully there will be one below, if not then I haven''t managed to do it (again!)