Feeling sorry for self and ready to throw in the towel

[Ananda]

I can''t take this much more. Finally, I am beginning to feel like I''m being strung along. The really odd thing about this is that we get along great...the vast majority of the time. He is normally sensitive, introspective, strong, supportive, and communicative. Fun to be with, active, funny, and sexy as hell. We get out and do lots together: kayaking, dancing, sailing, swimming, hiking. We have deep spiritual discussions. We laugh and cry. We complain to each other. We have been best friends.

I asked him to please stop bringing up any talk of marriage 2 years ago when I realized he was talking about it way too casually.

Last spring we decided to give ourselves till June of 2006 to make some decisions about our future together. June came and went. It''s all talk. Talk about this, talk about that, talk about a proposal coming, talk about what to do with our houses, even talk to our families about us TALKING about getting married.

We went on vacation together two weeks ago. He had been talking about rings beforehand. The vacation was wonderful....cozy, loving, light. Then I realized the last night we were away that he wasn''t, after all, going to pop the question. I began to realize that he might not ever do it. And we ended up getting in a big fight. The horrible question I asked that triggered the fight was, "Are you still feeling really cautious about moving forward?"

Things are very comfortable for him right now. In the meantime, he hasn''t followed through on things he has TALKED about (such as plans we had for this summer and our living situations). He told me that this past weekend he was going to (again) speak with a realtor about putting his house on the market. Weekend came and went, and no word about that.

I can''t believe I would even consider throwing in the towel, but I am. I''m tired of waiting. I don''t want to be totally independent and alone the rest of my life. It''s going on 7 years since my divorce, and 8 on his.

I''m feeling sorry for myself, feeling badly. I thought this was it. But you can''t force anyone to do something they don''t seem to want to really do.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 9/5/2006 7:57:05 PM
Author:Ananda

Things are very comfortable for him right now. In the meantime, he hasn''t followed through on things he has TALKED about (such as plans we had for this summer and our living situations). He told me that this past weekend he was going to (again) speak with a realtor about putting his house on the market. Weekend came and went, and no word about that.

maybe it is a good thing that he still owns his home. i think you would make a strategic error in letting him move in without firm proven plans.

 

[aquarius_ser]

Definently! No ring, no moving in.

Why don''t you TALK about going ring shopping this weekend. Something like this:

YOU: "Honey, Saturday at Noon, we have an appt to meet with NAME at PLACE to look at engagment rings"

 

[diamondfan]

I agree you cannot force things, but a kick in the butt might not hurt. When someone is comfy with the status quo, it is hard for them to think about changing it, even if the change could be wonderful! Good luck, and do not be afraid to be honest, in a mellow manner, about how you feel.

 

[always.waiting]

Ananda, I definitely feel for you and have some similar issues. Sometimes you''re with a great guy and everything''s just perfect and stable and fullfilling, except he just has a mental block when it comes to marriage. Sometimes you can work through it and sometimes you can''t. It''s hard to say which it''ll be for those of us on the outside, but at some point you will have an inner sense that you''ve done everything and it''s starting to affect your self esteem and the relationship. I''m not sure if you''ve gotten to this point yet, but it sounds like you might be close. 7 yrs sounds like an incredibly long time..for me it''s been 3 and I thought that was long! Of course you may have started dating a lot younger than we did.

My suggestion is to maybe take a weekend away (just tell him it''s time with the girls), because a little perspective away really helps and it doesn''t hurt to have the heart grow fonder in the time off as well (ie remind both of you of all those great qualities in your relationship, not just the frustration). Then come home, clear headed and positive and talk to him honestly, again. Up front, honest communication, ask him how HE feels and what HE needs. I wish I had done that more, we get so caught up in the whole process, I think it can suffocate the men in our lives. Then express what this is doing to you and how it is hurting you, but that you love him and just want the future to start so you can feel complete. (assuming that''s how you feel).

But geesh, I do understand your frustration more than you realize, nothing is worse then setting a timeline or rough time frame and having each one pass without anything, even a mention. It''s time to let him know what it is doing to you and that he might lose you over it.

Overall, I wish you THE BEST. HE seems like a great guy, and you''ll get through it.