Feeling weird about upcoming trip with BF

[smithsmith]

Hi all,

I don''t post often, and I know this is kind of self centered and stupid, which is why I am posting here rather than make my BF feel weird about the situation as well.

We are planning a trip to New Jersey to see his family for Thanksgiving, which is great. We will also spend a night or two in NYC seeing the sights, etc., which is also great since I''ve never been there. We''re planning to split the cost of the trip 50/50, as we normally do.

The only problem is...I''m starting to feel funny as we''re making plans. The last time he was in NY, he proposed to his then-girlfriend. He did it in a super extravagant way, to the point where it must have pretty much wiped him out financially.

Now, I know that the previous trip has nothing to do with me, and of course he was trying to pull out all the stops since he was doing this big blowout proposal at the time. And I know that we have pretty much blown our travel budget for the year already, so we need to make this as cheap as possible. But I''m still feeling weird about it...for example, we''re looking in to staying at Travelodge type places, and every time he brings up how cheap we need to go, all I can think is, "Well, I guess Travelodge is good enough for me, but Ex-Fiancee rated a deluxe suite overlooking Central Park!" In reality I wouldn''t want him spending all that money on me anyway. But still.

I know that is stupid. Which is why I don''t say anything out loud to him. I''ll get over it I guess, but I just needed to say it to someone. I feel like I don''t rate as high as his ex. I think he was always kind of a sugar daddy to her, which I definitely don''t want (I take extreme pains to pay my own way), but it does kind of irk me for some reason.

Of course it is also a little creepy to me that we''re going to be going to a lot of the same places where I know this mega-romantic proposal took place. From what he described, the whole experience was way over the top and not what I would want at all, but I guess I''m kind of disturbed that maybe he used up his one good proposal and I''ll be proposed to at a Wendy''s or something when that day arrives.

Well, it''s not like the whole city of New York should be off limits to us because it happened to be a romantic proposal destination. I just feel like it''s been sort of tainted for me or something.

OK, well I just had to tell someone. And I didn''t realize I would be writing such a novel. Thanks gals.

 

[taovandel]

This board is great for venting...and I''m glad you managed to get some of it out.

I wish I could offer some real advice, but it''s going to be hard.

Just keep remembering that he''s with you now. Doesn''t matter how much money is being spent--he''s with you.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I just wanted to say that I''m sorry he told you about his over-the-top proposal and luxury suite to begin with...I''m sure that you would probably have had a much better trip had he not filled you in on all the details, you know?

In any case, it sounds like you''re trying to handle it as best as you can, but don''t be afraid of talking with him if you feel like the trip is going to affect you negatively. I know that "talking" seems like a simplistic solution, but I find that it often clears up 95% of problems. It sounds like you''re trying to internalize the way you feel because you don''t want for him to feel bad about something that is in the past, but you shouldn''t have to feel bad, either.

I hope you have a wonderful trip and can focus on the present--he loves you and is eager to spend the holidays with you.

 

[trillionaire]

how long ago was this last proposal, and why did he tell you all the details, lol? And how long have you been dating? It could be that he appreciates that he can be himself and not have to constantly try to impress you. And he is taking to spend time with his family, so it's clear that you are important to him. I'm sure when it is time for him to propose to you, it will be PERFECT.

you may want to keep in mind that he might have a lot of bad memories associated with the former proposal, because it didn't work out. It might be fun to look into neat but obscure places in NYC, thus creating amazing new memories for just the two of you. There are tons of places in NYC, so this probably wouldn't be hard to do. And my BF and I have stayed in nice places, and crappy places... staying at crappy places just means less time in the room.

We actually found a hotel with a waterbed and mirrors on the ceiling

... the shadiest place ever, but so funny! So maybe find ways to personalize the trip? You aren't totally crazy for feeling the way you do, but he might be anxious too, so it could be a great opp for make the trip make YOU a shining star A++++ GF!

 

[absolut_blonde]

I can identify with this somewhat.

SO financially supported (either entirely or partially, I don''t care to know the details) his ex while she was in school and they were living together. I don''t know why, but it really bugs me! I''m sure he''d do the same for me if I chose to go back to school, but we can''t afford it right now and I''m not selfish enough to burden him in that way.

So, you''re not alone. I never cared about exes until SO. Seriously, it was just a non-issue for me. Then it starts to bother me THAT it bothers me! Sheesh.

I know it''s easier said than done, but try to focus on the present and the fact that you''re together now. Look at it this way-- you want to be with your SO and not your ex, right? I know I''m thrilled that SO is who he is and not my terrible ex! Exes are just a learning experience, a part of the past. In a way, they''re actually somewhat positive because those experiences have shaped you into two, compatible people.

Oh and: try not to think about it too much in general. I find that thinking about that stuff turns into a nasty cycle! Enjoy your trip and have fun.

 

[allycat0303]

I don''t think it is stupid AT ALL. My guy and I broke up 6-7 years ago, for a few months. During this time, he dated another girl and took her to this resturant. Once. No proposal mind you

And that resturant is totally banned by me. I refuse to step into that place. And it''s NOTHING. Nothing happened, but for some reason I have negative conotations. Obviously it annoys you. It would annoy me.

It sounds though that you will probably have to grin and bear it, or if anything, skip NY until you feel better about it.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Hi Smith!

I think you''re feeling what any other woman in your situation would feel...jealousy maybe? Even if that isn''t what you''d want, it would be nice to feel like an equal to her...and not like the travelodge rate new girlfriend.

Have you addressed this with him? If not, I would. Letting him know, while super expensive suites aren''t your style, he could at least (from that moment forward) spare you the details of his luxe night. Sure, that''s part of his past...but so is a lot of other gross stuff. He should, if he genuinely cares about, respect your feelings about this tender subject.

Do you know why his relationship failed? If she split on him, he could still be harboring resentment towards her and that night.

But, the good news is...even if he did purpose in the Big Apple...her and her memories certainly don''t live there anymore. Go and enjoy yourself!

 

[trillionaire]

Some sites to get ideas to make your trip totally memorable and DIFFERENT from the other:

Here''s one list

Events calendar

National Geographic Traveller suggestions

Another site

Under $25

Last one!

You can make it fun by having him look into things and plan one day, and you can plan the other. Building new memories is fantastic! Have fun!

 

[LaraOnline]

Hmm, it is nice he wants to confide in you, I guess. But perhaps he should be a little more grown-up and spare your feelings as well. When you are in NY, if he mentions this girl, you should tell him that it upsets you, and he should get over it.

Why is he suddenly budgeting now? Or has he always been a Travelodge kinda guy, except for this one ''special'' letdown experience?
Don''t build it up too much in your mind, it was probably a bit crap.

 

[purrfectpear]

Well his last engagement was more than 5 years ago so he should be over it by now

Remember your first post last year where you were worried he would give you a big diamond like he gave her, and how that wasn''t what you wanted at all? You wanted simple, inexpensive, something that was "you"?

Just try to keep in mind that you really wouldn''t appreciate the over the top Central Park suite anyway. I understand what you are feeling but you know in your heart that you really don''t care where you stay as long as you guys are together

Have a great time, he''s with YOU.

 

[vita*dolce]

while i can totally understand that a little part of you feels the way you do, i think it''s kind of cute that he''s so happy and comfortable in your relationship to know you don''t need a big elaborate trip, he just wants to be with you, even if being together means being together in a travelodge!!

try not to let this get to you and enjoy your trip with your boyfriend!! i''m sure you''re going to have a great time!

 

[Dreamgirl]

el the same way as you. Im sure he doesn't think less of you but Id find myself thinking the same thing "Sure, she got this...I only get this...." but I guess it was years ago and maybe he has more of a level head these days and thinks more realistically. Maybe he is saving up for a special ring for you?

Too bad he even had to tell you about this anyway. I would actually say something to him though. Im pretty vocal with my FF and if he says things that bother me, I tell him regardless. It always makes me feel better and that is part of being in a relationship together. Maybe just tell him you know its silly but the whole thing is bothering you due to his ex.....I honestly think it would allow you to feel better about the trip and maybe make him realize he should keep his mouth hush about any ex situations because maybe he doesn't know that it bothers you.....Good luck to you!

 

[meresal]

I'm sorry you're going through this, so here's my advice.

Here's how I looked at it. I'm sorry that the hotel accomadations are going to be different (that is hard, I can understand), but this is your chance to make NYC yours and his. There's a reson they aren't together and maybe a part of that has to do with the fact that you are ok with staying at Travellodge and she required that he spend thousands of dollars to stay somewhere ritzy. Anytime he thinks about NYC it probably brings up bad memories, and now they can be YOUR great memeories. Who cares if they are the same places he went last time... it's your trip and it's the experience not the actual place that makes the memory. He wants to share it with you.

My FI was with his last GF for over 3 yrs, and they traveled alot of places all over the world. We go to many of these same places and I love it, becasue that means that I get to replace "her" memories with me

One of those places was New York for New Years Eve right in the middle of Times Square, and we actually just got back last week. Where he proposed right in the middle of Times Square. It is "our" city now, not he and his ex's. (I'm not implying you BF is going to propose, I'm just giving an example)

You should tell him how you feel, but before you do, sit down and think about the reasons that he is with you and not her. I bet you are alot more understanding about these money issues than she would have been.

FYI: We stayed in a hotel that was very expensive and the only thing great about it was the location. (Horrible maid service, horrible conceirge, etc.) All you need is a nice sized bathroom to get ready in, and a bed. You're going to have so much fun that you won't want to be in the room EVER!! Have a blast!!

 

[Bliss]

I totally understand how you feel. I would feel the same way. But on the other hand, it sounds like he really DOES love you. There is a comfort in that you don''t have to be in a swank hotel to have fun together, or that he doesn''t have to pull out the stops all the time. I bet he will for you the rest of his life, seems like a very romantic guy!

I agree with the other wise posters who said it''s time to make NYC YOURS. In a way, he''s reclaiming and rewriting the past with YOU. It''ll be YOUR ciry now. Just laugh off the Travelodge hotel... it will be funny years later when you''re in the St. Regis remembering those young and romantic times you had so much love and had so much fun with a little less.

 

[JSM]

I know how you feel. My fiance was in a much different financial situation when he was with his ex - he gave her a brand new car, took her on fancy trips, bought her very expensive furniture... what she wanted, she got.

We personally are struggling (partially because she stole thousands from him

, partially because of our job situation), but over time my jealousy has subsided. He loves me for me, wants to marry ME, and though he can''t spend on me what he could on her, I know he would give me the world.

There is a reason he never proposed to her, even though they were together for years. And there is a reason your guy is with you - He LOVES you and is doing his best to plan for your future! I know you will really love NY and enjoy your trip. And I totally agree with Meresal, now you can replace his memories of NY with her, with wonderful new memories of NY with you.

Have fun!

 

[Pushin40]

I know how you feel and I sympathize with you!! It''s good old fashined jealousy, mixed with maybe a bit of insecurity....can''t stop it sometimes!!

My advice is that you have to simply remind yourself that everyone has a past, and if he''s not comparing his ex to you, which it doesn''t appear he is, then YOU shouldn''t be comparing your relationship to theirs.

If I were you, I wouldn''t talk to your BF about this. Why bother? To hurt him? To give him the impression he should maybe consider not being open and honest with you in the future b/c you MAY feel threatened and hurt?

This is something in your head, he didn''t do anything wrong, and there is nothing he can/needs to change or fix....talking to him would basically be asking him to affirm your relationship and to validate YOU as being more important than she was. If you need that, you can do that without making him feel bad about something that has nothing to do with you.

Security usually comes with time. How long have you been together?

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 9:39:54 AM
Author: meresal
I''m sorry you''re going through this, so here''s my advice.

Here''s how I looked at it. I''m sorry that the hotel accomadations are going to be different (that is hard, I can understand), but this is your chance to make NYC yours and his. There''s a reson they aren''t together and maybe a part of that has to do with the fact that you are ok with staying at Travellodge and she required that he spend thousands of dollars to stay somewhere ritzy. Anytime he thinks about NYC it probably brings up bad memories, and now they can be YOUR great memeories. Who cares if they are the same places he went last time... it''s your trip and it''s the experience not the actual place that makes the memory. He wants to share it with you.

My FI was with his last GF for over 3 yrs, and they traveled alot of places all over the world. We go to many of these same places and I love it, becasue that means that I get to replace ''her'' memories with me

One of those places was New York for New Years Eve right in the middle of Times Square, and we actually just got back last week. Where he proposed right in the middle of Times Square. It is ''our'' city now, not he and his ex''s. (I''m not implying you BF is going to propose, I''m just giving an example)

You should tell him how you feel, but before you do, sit down and think about the reasons that he is with you and not her. I bet you are alot more understanding about these money issues than she would have been.

FYI: We stayed in a hotel that was very expensive and the only thing great about it was the location. (Horrible maid service, horrible conceirge, etc.) All you need is a nice sized bathroom to get ready in, and a bed. You''re going to have so much fun that you won''t want to be in the room EVER!! Have a blast!!

Meresal.. you always give the most supportive comments.. and it seems like you really "get" what we are all saying... i just wanted to say that i really commend you for that. and i also really like looking at it like you are replacing their memories with your own.

 

[Blackpaw]

Hý SS! I can relate to what you''re going through. Im visiting my SOs family in Ireland for the fýrst týme ýn a couple of months. We''ve been together for almost four years but as we''re aussýes he doesnt go back that often. Stýll, the last týme he went back was wýth another gýrlfrýend.

Does ýt make me ýnsecure that we''ll be goýng to the same sýghts no doubt? Hell yeah! Am ý worrýed that perhaps hýs grandparents wýll call me by her name or somethýng sýmýlarly rýdýculous!! A lýttle yeah

Should ý feel thýs way? No, we''re practýcally engaged.

But reason aýnt always a reasonable request of anyone''s mental and emotýonal capacýty

And by the way, ý only found out that saýd ex had been to Ireland wýth my SO when ý found a framed pýc of them there ýn hýs dads bedroom, after they''ld been broken up three or more years and we''ld been together over two! Who keeps that stuff

I feel your pain in any case.

PS my apologýes for the typýng. Im ýn turkey and cant master the keyboards!!

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:30:40 PM
Author: cbs102
Meresal.. you always give the most supportive comments.. and it seems like you really 'get' what we are all saying... i just wanted to say that i really commend you for that. and i also really like looking at it like you are replacing their memories with your own.

Threadjack:
Thank you cbs. I've had a few posts taken out of context, and it's the last thing I want to do to anyone else. Especially in vents. Posters, myself included, tend to talk about "extra" things that aren't the actual problem, and it's easy to get lost in that info. I tend to read some posts up to 4 times before I respond, just so I make sure I'm not missing anything. I would want the same.

I actually enjoy going to all these places, and making them "ours". Next up and last on "that" list, is HAWAII!!!

I refuse to go to Denver to see the Nuggets AND Broncos (her home town)... but I'll go to Colorado to take him skiing if he ever gives in

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I just wanted to say that some of the less than extravagent trips I''ve planned with my man have ended up with the best memories ever! It''s almost like the less than stellar hotel (or in our case, crashing on the floor of a friend in her tiny Manhattan apartment to conserve fundage) or the rain falling on the day you are doing a walking city tour (yea, that happened too) allows you to realize that even when perfection is lacking in everything else around you, at least you have the perfection between the two of you.

Chin up. Your trip will be stellar simply because it is YOURS!

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Hi SmithSmith,

I have a slightly different take on the situation. In your post, you wrote:
-- "In reality I wouldn't want him spending all that money on me anyway",
-- "I take extreme pains to pay my own way",
-- "split the cost of the trip 50/50, as we normally do",
-- "the whole experience was way over the top and not what I would want at all",

and I am reminded of an old expression, we teach people how we want to be treated. Is there a chance that perhaps while there's something within you that takes pride in your thrifty egalitarian ways, that you perhaps have gone a *wee bit* too far in the self-sacrificing direction?

You don't have to eat at Wendy's all the time or stay at Travelodge all the time. Furthermore, there are a great deal of accommodations in New York that lie in comfort between the Paramus Travelodge and The Plaza on the park. Perhaps that nagging feeling in our gut that's bugging you so much that you needed to post somewhere about it is your little voice telling you that you've not been treating *yourself* with the respect you should and that you should loosen up these self-defining restrictions you've put on yourself and treat yourself to a bit more luxury than you have been?

IMO, your boyfriend would not be with you unless he loved you. When we love someone, we want them to be happy. If your past behavior has told him time and again that you don't want luxury or flash, then it sounds as if he has perhaps only been following the lead you've been giving him, you know? But if it turns out that staying at something that is plus chic than the Travelodge would make you feel happy and cherished, I'd bet that he'd work a way to make that happen if you mentioned it to him.

Good luck!
f-d-l

 

[LaraOnline]

Wow! Fleur de Lis has a really good point. Why not relax and let your self be ''his girl''... and that doesn''t mean ''his girl... the good sport''.

If you want to be just a liddle more taken care of... why not be more aware of your attitudes and relax those standards of independence, and let him take care a teensy bit? This might be a long term project, I guess.

You can ''pay him back'' by buying him a thank you present when you get back home from your holiday!

Anyway, hope you have a ball.

 

[vslover]

Whose idea was it to split 50/50? Does he want to take care of you (more) financially or is he content with the status quo? If you''ve been the one to insist on splitting things and going cheap...that''s one thing. If HE''S the one insisting on going cheap and splitting the cost...I would have an issue with it given his history with his ex...but maybe that''s just me....

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 5:05:30 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 8/14/2008 1:30:40 PM
Author: cbs102
Meresal.. you always give the most supportive comments.. and it seems like you really 'get' what we are all saying... i just wanted to say that i really commend you for that. and i also really like looking at it like you are replacing their memories with your own.

Threadjack:
Thank you cbs. I've had a few posts taken out of context, and it's the last thing I want to do to anyone else. Especially in vents. Posters, myself included, tend to talk about 'extra' things that aren't the actual problem, and it's easy to get lost in that info. I tend to read some posts up to 4 times before I respond, just so I make sure I'm not missing anything. I would want the same.

I actually enjoy going to all these places, and making them 'ours'. Next up and last on 'that' list, is HAWAII!!!

I refuse to go to Denver to see the Nuggets AND Broncos (her home town)... but I'll go to Colorado to take him skiing if he ever gives in

this is another threadjack.. sorry!!
I think that there are many people on this forum that should do what you do.. read the post before pouncing. sometimes we just need a good rant and not necessarily advice... some of the "advice" i have seen of late is very damaging and really just mean spirited. it is refreshing to see that you take the time and give thought out responses.. so thanks meresol!

on to the topic at hand... SMITH- i do know how you feel. My fiance was married and has a daughter. Because of his daughter i had to MOVE to his town.. i literally live down the street from his ex wife, around the corner from the house they lived in when he was married... and she is quite literally EVERYWHERE!!

I often say that i live in "exesname"-ville... that i am living in their past.... when we got engaged i was actually worried that his first proposal was better.... did they celebrate the engagement in a more exciting way??? i even refuse to have a real church -reception wedding because that is what they had. we are getting married in jamaica instead (which is actually the wedding that we both have always dreamed of anyway)...

I know choose to have a different take on things because of what dear meresol has said. although i live in exesname-ville i now live here too.. i am his FIANCE.. and i am his present and future... all those memories of them are tainted by what caused their divorce...

go to NYC and enjoy it because --well its NYC!! i grew up right outside of the city and i tell you, every single time i go its like a different city to me,... it is constantly moving and changing.. i am sure that he will look at the city in a total new and brighter light BECAUSE you are there with him... and he LOVES you!

have a wonderful trip! give NY a hug for me