FI and My Best Friends From High School... live close.. not coming to reception! Grr!

[sydneycasandra]

Vent alert: Why do people make up SUCH LAME excuses to not come to weddings & receptions!

Our wedding is in Antigua so I can understand why people aren''t coming to that, no big deal. But our reception is here locally, in a small town that I am from. It is a half hour drive from the larger city where I now live, and 1h15m from where FI and his family & friends live.

My FI''s best friend from high school *cancelled* his RSVP yesterday because he was going to have his daughter from his previous marriage for that weekend. (He is remarried and they have a young baby together.) If the daughter lived far away I could understand this, but he gets her EVERY OTHER WEEKEND b/c the mom lives in the same town! Would it have been so hard (esp with almost 3 months notice) to have either switched weekends or perhaps hired a sitter? My FI made it to ALL THREE of this guy''s weddings. I know FI is hurt even though he is brushing it off, and it hurts my feelings too. We make special efforts to go support this "friend''s" band whenever they play, even if it''s a crappy location because we want *someone* to be there.

My best friend from HS (we haven''t been close for years but we do keep in touch) is now doing the same thing. She lives about 10 minutes from me and despite my multiple suggestions hasn''t had the time to get together with me for lunch or coffee since I''ve been living back in this town since August. She does have a busy job and a 3 y/o but she lives with her parents and younger sisters, and uses them as her built in babysitter a lot. I had to call her THREE times just to get her mailing address to send an invitation...the day after RSVP date I call to "check in", she doesn''t call me back for another 2 days. Then she tells me that she is not sure she can come, she has to work that day untl 5 pm (reception is 2p to 6ish) and says she guesses she''ll try to make it but she''ll be late. I knew she wanted me to let her off the hook, so I did, and told her that I understood if it was too hard to come right after work. She jumped on that, and just told me that she''s getting ready to go to FL soon but when she gets back we should get together (she always says that) and we can go and I can pick out a wedding present or something. (That''s how she said it, "pick out a wedding present or something.") I don''t care about a gift from this girl- at this point, it was all I could do to be gracoius on the phone with her and I said I would call her another time, and have fun in FL. What I really wanted to say was "Thanks for showing me what a valuable friend I am to you; you''ve hurt my feelings very badly by not even attempting to get off of work a little early (which I know she could do) to come to my WEDDING RECEPTION; you never return calls promptly, and you were late to RSVP and you only called back cause I called you first."

Other people are giivng me lame excuses as well, even a good guy friend of mine who two weeks before RSVP date said he didn''t know b/c he might have to go to his nephew''s fourth birthday party, and he would call me back. Well, he never did. That hurts too.

 

[diamondfan]

First, take a deep breath and realze it will all be wonderful. I think weddings and such bring out nasty and snarky sides to people, and that is the unfortunate truth of the matter. Someone once told me many years ago when I was engaged and getting frustrated by people acting pretty badly, "Your wedding may be a huge deal to you but sadly it is not always a hge deal to everyone else." Bottom line is people behave atrociously all the time, but when it is about your wedding or something special, it hurts. "Get a gift or something ?!" How lovely an offer! Yikes. She has a lot to learn. I did a large bar mitzvah for my son last November, even more involved than a wedding, I think, since I had 75 kids to entertain totally plus all the adults. Custom favors, etc...and you cannot believe (or maybe you can, sadly) how totally rude and obnoxious people can be. These same rude people then expect your kid to show up to their kids party shortly after.

I guess you just have to accept that some people are pretty lame, and there is not anything you can do. Let them be, and enjoy all the positives and focus on the people who ARE supportive, who are coming from far away to celebrate, etc...do not let a few bad apples spoil the bunch for you!

 

[JulieN]

Invite FI''s bf''s daughter to the wedding if kids are going to be there.

Maybe he''s just using his weekend visitation with his daughter as an excuse.

But maybe he''s not. And if he''s not...well, his daughter comes before friends. It''s great he''s so involved in her life even though he''s remarried.

Ok, to much Dr. Laura...

 

[sydneycasandra]

The reception is adults only (or grown children) because it is centered around a pool and we really don''t want to see people drowning.

I think it is good that FI''s friend puts his daughter first, and I don''t want to say that he should ignore her, I just feel hurt that with so much notice for this event he didn''t try to work it out otherwise. (They''ve been best friends for nearly 25 years; my FI is 38. That''s a lot of history not to go to someone''s wedding.)

Thanks for the advice, I think it''s just something I need to learn to live with. I don''t necessarily expect the world to be put on hold for my wedding, I just thought people who lived so close and we''d known for so long would make an effort to come.

 

[diamondfan]

I do not think you should have to invite children, if you do not wish to for whatever reason, in order to have this guy. He could have asked his ex wife to switch weekends with him months ago. It happens all the time, all the people I know who are divorced have had to do this to accomodate one another at some time. Can your bf call him directly and suggest that he see if his ex could switch weekends or just switch one night? They live in the same town. Unless the wife has other plans, it should not be a big deal. I think if it is important to your fiance, he should make the attempt. Otherwise I would not beg or anything, and just leave it be. People are adults and can figure out how to get to things they want to get to. you should not have to be bending over backward now...it is not like the sitter cancelled as he was walking out the door or his wife got sick and could not have her and last minute he had a problem...

 

[griffitk]

I know it seems easy to think "just switch weekends," but I know A LOT of divorce situations where it''s not that easy. Often people just aren''t comfortable with switching weekends. The rationale is that you don''t get to choose when you''re a parent. You''re always a parent. I think the kid also gets used to a schedule and all hell breaks loose when that schedule is disrupted. If you would still like him to attend, I would suggest the name of a good sitter to him and tell him it''s fine if he come later after she''s in bed. (assuming it''s an evening reception)

When my FI and I get married, if it''s the weekend that his mom and stepdad have the kids they are going to have to buy tickets to fly them 2500 miles each to our wedding just to be with a sitter because it''s impossible to switch weekends. Switching causes way too many problems with the Ex, schedule mixups, and the kids not feeling "wanted."

 

[sydneycasandra]

griffitik,

I do understand your point about switching etc., as my parents have been unhappily divorced (!) since I was 2. Knowing his situation a little better than I can explain on the internet, I don''t think switching or perhaps simply hiring a sitter would''ve been terrible. It''s also the fact that he cancelled on us after the RSVP date; I guess he didn''t figure out that was his weekend until just now (the reception is less than a month away.) I am trying to be understanding and I am not going to hold a grudge against him, I have just been hurt by his "casualness" about the whole thing. He acts as if we invited him over for coffee or something and he just can''t make it, rather than like it''s a wedding reception. (And yes I know it is more important to me than him, but still, 25 years of friendship doesn''t seem to have gone a long way.)

 

[moon river]

Don''t let this ruin your day. People have their reasons that may not have anything to do with you personally.

 

[Maria D]

I am not excusing your friends'' behavior in any way; I think people should make up their mind and RSVP accordingly. However, people might be feeling casual about their response to your wedding reception because, frankly, a reception with no wedding just doesn''t feel as important as one with a wedding. You chose to get married in Antigua because, presumably, location in a beautiful tropical place is more important than having your friends witness your marriage. Now you want these friends to feel that you are very important to them and they should be at your reception.

For me, it''s one thing if the reception is at a different place/time than the wedding due to extenuating circumstances. For example, if the bride/groom''s families are so far apart that they end up having two receptions so that as many cherished family members/friends as possible can attend. But when I''m invited to a destination wedding or an after the fact local reception I don''t feel that my attendance is all that important and I''ll only go if it''s convenient for me. On the other hand, I will jump through hoops to be at the wedding/reception of someone that is dear to me and who would be "honored by my presence" (as the invitations usually say!) at their wedding.

Sorry if this sounds harsh; just giving you a perspective that may be the same as some of your problems. I think you should focus on the people who do want to share in your special day and not worry so much about the few who don''t.

 

[sydneycasandra]

Maria D-

I understand your point entirely. I think some appropriate background as to why the wedding is in Antigua vs. locally would make things a little clearer. We did not choose Antigua (or DW in general) b/c of the beachy tropical location; we chose it because our original wedding location, my mother''s house, became unfeasible when her and my stepfather of 18 years filed for divorce. Part of the reason to get married at their home (other than cost) was sentiment; my mother was married there, and wouldn''t it be nice if I was? When they separated and it became clear that an ugly divorce was at hand, we decided that having the wedding at her home was not really an option. Lacking any other appropriate options for a wedding at someone''s home, we looked at other sites; we aren''t religious, so a church/synagogue/temple wouldn''t work, and we couldn''t come up with the funds to rent a reception hall and plan something in 6 months. So, much to my initial dismay, we decided to run away, and to have the semi-casual reception after arriving home so that we could still have some sort of a celebration with our friends and family who couldn''t make it to Antigua.

So in essence, the DW was more of a necessity than a choice, and holding this reception was the best way we could feasibly (other than paying for everyone''s tix and rooms) celebrate with our friends and family.

 

[diamondfan]

Antigua, I kind of see the rationale of someone saying, well this is not the ceremony, only the party...so I can be more casual...but I still think it is uncool. Yes, your own wedding is more important to you and your dh and family ulitmately speaking, but still...also, about the people making the comments about switching weekends...I am not implying it is not any issue in their lives. I am simply saying that with a divorce where the exes live minutes from each other, and with months notice, a best friend of decades should be able to figure out asking his ex, hey, can you take her for A FEW HOURS on Sat night so I can celebrate with a dear friend of many years? I am not saying it should be a habit or done lightly, but jeeze, things come inup life and a bit of flexibility is called for. I do not think kids suffer when they see cooperation from their parents when changes need to be accomodated. This is the nature of life, and I think it helps a kid to see their parents working it out IF POSSIBLE and not being rigid or petty. Regardless of the reasons, this is hurtful to you and your guy. Unfortunately not everyone behaves well in life. I am sure this guy would not appreciate the same in return if he ever gets remarried. So, like someone else posted, focus on the good, because there is always a spoiler in the group, and it would be a shame for that to bring down an otherwise happy event.

 

[sydneycasandra]

diamondfan,

thanks for your thoughtful comments. I think my feelings are very much inline with your reasoning on this topic; I didn''t ask him to fly to the caribbean, just to come to a wedding reception. I am not necessarily taking it too personally, just more bummed that our friends aren''t even creative enough to come up with better excuses

I am not going to hold it against these people that they didn''t come because they''re adults and make their own decisions. My friend from HS, however, I think I am going to write her a letter after the ceremony simply saying that I am sad that our friendship has fallen apart over the years and that she was very much missed at the reception. Not snarky, not a guilt trip, just telling her how I truly feel, because nothing can make our friendship worse at this point and it may be my last chance of saving it. (Although honestly at this point I''m not sure how much of a friend she''ll really be. We have a history of me being the "giver" and her being the "taker" in our friendship, goes back for many years.)

Thanks for all the input guys.

 

[ocbride2007]

antigua - I can sympathise with how you feel!! I recently decided to stop trying to keep in touch with my former best friend. It was a few less years than you have going (since 11, now I''m 23) but it was still sad. She hadn''t cared to put too much effort into it, and barely responded to my emails. I gave up and stopped trying when I sent her an email last year, letting her know that I had been diagnosed with an illness (fyi nothing deadly or anything - just a painful, but under control now) and her only response was "that sucks." I had told her how hard it was to deal with it, nearly pouring my heart out expecting support from my oldest friend, and "that sucks" was all I could get! So, I am better off without her. Sometimes it takes things like this to make you realize that it''s no longer worth your time. Unfortunately time does not always equal closeness.

But you have a wonderful marriage to look forward to, and your future husband by your side, if this friendship cannot be salvaged you have a wonderful best friend til death do you part!! But who knows, maybe this will be the kick in the butt she needs to realize that she values your friendship. Just don''t waste too much time worrying about this when you have such a happy day to look forward to.

Best of luck!

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 5/7/2006 9:15:17 PM
Author: AntiguaBride
diamondfan,

thanks for your thoughtful comments. I think my feelings are very much inline with your reasoning on this topic; I didn''t ask him to fly to the caribbean, just to come to a wedding reception. I am not necessarily taking it too personally, just more bummed that our friends aren''t even creative enough to come up with better excuses

I am not going to hold it against these people that they didn''t come because they''re adults and make their own decisions. My friend from HS, however, I think I am going to write her a letter after the ceremony simply saying that I am sad that our friendship has fallen apart over the years and that she was very much missed at the reception. Not snarky, not a guilt trip, just telling her how I truly feel, because nothing can make our friendship worse at this point and it may be my last chance of saving it. (Although honestly at this point I''m not sure how much of a friend she''ll really be. We have a history of me being the ''giver'' and her being the ''taker'' in our friendship, goes back for many years.)

Thanks for all the input guys.

It never hurts to put your feelings out there in a thoughtful manner. I just know from past experience (with my sister who is beyond awful) that people who can be so hurtful and be such "takers" rarely hear or absorb what you have to say. They tend to get defensive or brush stuff off as being your issue, you are too sensitive or making a big deal out of nothing. I am not saying let your feelings go, but just realize you might be in a different place and she may not be able now to be a part of it. Maybe that will change in the future. If she is now single and gets married, she might see things in a different light. When a good friend hurts us, and we go to them to try to resolve it, sometimes it comes out differently than we hoped. Maybe she is not such a great friend at this time in your life. If this is her pattern, you may just have reached the end of the cycle with her now. Again, do not let anything stand in the way of what matters...someone stinky is always around it seems, so try to overlook it and focus on having a great party and great life!!