fight frustation

[ringisthething]

grrr...
I know I shouldn''t have done it, i even knew at the time that I shouldn''t have done it but I picked a proposal fight last night. It feels like lately my boy is ''close'' but never ''there'' he has said it ''should'' happen sometime next year but sometimes I get frustrated. When we first started dating I mentioned to him that I thought 3 years was appropriate amount of time to date then the propsal. Here we are 5 years into this and it still doesn''t feel close. He has no problem telling me he wants to be with me for the rest of his life but there is always something holding him back.
I''m frustrated with myself but at the same time I''m frustrated because I know that fights like this aren''t productive. If anythign it will make him want to propose less....
grr I can be such an idiot sometimes.

 

[gwendolyn]

Do you keep a journal? Maybe it could help if, when you feel yourself starting to pick a fight, you write your thoughts and feelings down instead? Then, after writing, if you still have lingering questions you want to ask him about the future, maybe it would help to keep things calm?

I''m sorry you''re feeling the strain, honey. Hopefully you will find something that helps.

 

[katica]

I understand your frustration.. 5 years?? How old are the two of you?
I''m 29 now and if I had been with my SO for 5 years I''d be wondering what was up too. He said it "should" happen sometime next year? That doesn''t sound very good to me... it sounds as if either it will be towards the end of next year or even afterwards. Do you think you can keep waiting?
Maybe have a calm discussion about it with him. Funny that I should be saying this since I had a ''fight'' with my SO about it last weekend as well. But what is the saying? Do as I say, not as I do hehehe Ask him calmly why he is not doing it sooner and listen to what he says. Don''t suggest excuses yourself but just listen.. is it money? is he afraid of marriage in general? Just tell him that if you''re going to spend your life with someone, it''s important for you to be married and see what he says. I find that I get a lot farther with my SO in these discussions if I''m calm, that way he doesn''t go on the defensive. Do you live together? I''ve thought sometimes of just spending less time with my SO so that he''ll miss me and see what it''s like without me but that''s a little hard because we live together.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Apologize. Then, try and talk calmly and rationally about it and determine the reason why he''s dragging his feet. Is he still saving $ to buy a ring? Is he still unsure this is what he wants? Is he afraid of giving up his "freedom"? Does he know enough about diamonds/rings to not feel intimidated/overwhelmed when shopping?

I''m sorry you''re frustrated by it all (and you have reason to be)... but just talk to him about it!

 

[ringisthething]

We are both 25. However I have been out of school for 2 years and he hasn''t graduated yet. He made some mistakes, took some time off and is back in school now and doing well, but I think this has a lot to do with things. As for $$ for the ring, he is saving and has enough, but never directly says it is for a ring. He basically just has a chunk of $$ sitting in an account doing nothing. Money isn''t really a problem for him as his family is well off and foots all of his bills. He does work, so all the $ he earns is ''play'' money, but he has been pretty good about saving.
We don''t live together and never have, and will not until we are at least engaged. I currently live about 3 hours away from him and the plan is for him to find a job in my city after he graduates in May.

 

[LaraOnline]

YOu are in something of a powerless position, because you have to wait for your man to take action. It''s a frustrating position.
But you seem to have a clear head about it, and can do no more than be human.
Perhaps you can make a note, or little mark, on a calender or in a diary each time the subject of marriage arises. That will help you keep from nagging him!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 12/13/2008 3:33:08 PM
Author: ringisthething
We are both 25. However I have been out of school for 2 years and he hasn''t graduated yet. He made some mistakes, took some time off and is back in school now and doing well, but I think this has a lot to do with things. As for $$ for the ring, he is saving and has enough, but never directly says it is for a ring. He basically just has a chunk of $$ sitting in an account doing nothing. Money isn''t really a problem for him as his family is well off and foots all of his bills. He does work, so all the $ he earns is ''play'' money, but he has been pretty good about saving.

We don''t live together and never have, and will not until we are at least engaged. I currently live about 3 hours away from him and the plan is for him to find a job in my city after he graduates in May.

Please do not take offense to my being frank...I am biologically old enough to be your mother, and I can''t stand it when I see what looks to be a man milking the cow for all they can before moving on. AND IF I AM WRONG about this, I personally will be thrilled, but here goes -

You said three years, you''re now in the fifth year. He lives 3 hours away, and despite him being 25 years old, his family still foots the bill for his existence and he''s still in school. Run, don''t walk! This is one of those guys that won''t get married until he''s in his late 30''s and is getting pressure from his mother for grandbabies.

You are 25, not old by any means, but the next five years are going to be crucial to your career life as well as your reproductive life. You have a choice...you can either sit around waiting for your boyfriend to mature to the point that he is ready to settle down, or you can have a heart-to-heart about where he sees the relationship going. If he starts arguing you and feeling pressured when the subject of an engagement comes up after you''ve been dating for five years, it is not going to happen.

Again, I could be wrong and really am hoping that I am, but the little tiny bit that I''ve heard seems all too familiar.

 

[jcarlylew82]

Date: 12/13/2008 11:34:54 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Do you keep a journal? Maybe it could help if, when you feel yourself starting to pick a fight, you write your thoughts and feelings down instead? Then, after writing, if you still have lingering questions you want to ask him about the future, maybe it would help to keep things calm?

I''m sorry you''re feeling the strain, honey. Hopefully you will find something that helps.

i think thats a great idea. heck, even PS helps when i feel like i am ready to pick a fight too. I too hate that i get those feelings, but if they are hapening (the feelings) then they do need to be discussed, rather than held in.