Fighting with BF over lifestyle choices... aka cookies...need advice

[LamborghiniGirl]

Sorry this is so long! I need some advice about this though. This may sound ridiculous, we''ll see how it turns out once I have explained the issue!

I am in my early 20''s, 5''2 and have some clothes that are size 4, others that are size 6, and others that are size 8, so I definitely fluctuate depending on the clothing brand. My BMI has always been on the border of normal and overweight, some days it falls in the normal category and others it is right into the overweight category.

BF is almost 6 foot, really slim but very muscular-- goes to the gym 3-4 times per week and has very low body fat. He loves working out and hates dessert.

I, on the other hand, really don''t like working out and I love sweets. I can sit down and eat 10 cookies, or a whole Ben and Jerry''s ice cream, or a significant amount of frosting in one sitting. I guess my sweet tolerance is very high! Obviously I don''t eat this stuff every day, maybe 1-2 times per week at most. And I love getting dessert after dinner.

I know I can lose the weight, so that isn''t the issue-- but I don''t feel like I HAVE to to look good. I did right before the holidays before we went to Mexico-- and I was a solid size 4. Yet I am not unhappy at this current weight; I love my fruits and veggies, proteins and good grains-- I just also eat sweets in excess sometimes.

Now to the issue!

BF cannot come to terms with this. He is always judging me and disappointed when I have a bunch of cookies or want dessert. He gets upset when I don''t want to work out. He has told me he wishes I was more in shape. He has said that my diet frustrates him and he thinks I am weak because of it. Recently he told me that he will always love me, but because guys are so visual, if I gain more weight, like after kids and don''t lose it, he just won''t be as attracted to me, sexually. Mind you, he never has said these things in a mean way, if anything he goes out of his way to say it nicely. Not that is doesn''t sting like hell and make me cry!

I am starting to wonder if this issue could possibly ruin our relationship, based on our different mindsets. I don''t want to, for the rest of my life, feel bad every time I binge on cookies or don''t go to the gym. I don''t want to constantly feel like the ''weak'' one, or feel like a ''disappointment'' to my BF.

He feels really guilty right now that he has hurt my feelings, but I don''t really know how we can move past this. He wants to do something to make everything better-- but it is not like his feelings can just switch all the sudden!

I know there is the option that I just suck it up and do what is healthy anyway, which is go to the gym and stop eating so many sweets. And then I would feel under constant pressure to maintain a lifestyle I don''t enjoy for as long as we are together...

Yet I also wish by BF would say, "cookies or no cookies, I think you are hot just the same".

Am I being ridiculous?! After writing this I seriously could see how this may seem petty and just a wakeup call I need to get in better shape.

But it really has affected me, my feelings are really hurt and I don''t feel very good about myself. I''ve stopped feeling as comfortable walking in front of him, or sitting in the car where your legs look bigger, or getting undressed in broad daylight. Mind you, I am not self-conscious because of my weight, I am self-conscious because I know what he is constantly thinking about me now.

Please help me figure/reason this out! Don''t go too hard on me, I am pretty sensitive about this topic still

 

[cindygenit]

Neither my FI and I are very happy at our current weight. His weakness is sweets. My weakness is potato chips.

And I guess sometimes, we do try to help each other, and encourage healthier eating.

I once told my FI that his beer gut is not attractive and he was hurt by it. I really regretted saying it because, truthfully, I don''t care what he looks like. What bothered me is how people look at him. And as pathetic as this sounds, I want my partner to be portrayed in the best possible light by everyone i know. I think people are very judgemental about looks, and (this is my problem) I always take people''s comments to heart. FI knows about this too, and now he understands.

There may be a solid reason behind his reaction, but i cant understand why he would say that he will be less sexually attracted to you! My FI tells me how beautiful I am EVERY day, and he said no matter how much weight I gain or lose, he will always love me.

LG, i think that you should try harder to limit your sweets intake, not for your bf''s sake, but for your health!!! You should also tell your bf again that you were really hurt by his comments. To me, this is simply unacceptable!!

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

Date: 8/25/2009 3:04:43 AM
Author: cindygenit

Neither my FI and I are very happy at our current weight. His weakness is sweets. My weakness is potato chips.


And I guess sometimes, we do try to help each other, and encourage healthier eating.


I once told my FI that his beer gut is not attractive and he was hurt by it. I really regretted saying it because, truthfully, I don''t care what he looks like. What bothered me is how people look at him. And as pathetic as this sounds, I want my partner to be portrayed in the best possible light by everyone i know. I think people are very judgemental about looks, and (this is my problem) I always take people''s comments to heart. FI knows about this too, and now he understands.


There may be a solid reason behind his reaction, but i cant understand why he would say that he will be less sexually attracted to you! My FI tells me how beautiful I am EVERY day, and he said no matter how much weight I gain or lose, he will always love me.


LG, i think that you should try harder to limit your sweets intake, not for your bf''s sake, but for your health!!! You should also tell your bf again that you were really hurt by his comments. To me, this is simply unacceptable!!

Thanks for your support! I agree that I should limit my sweets for me. But that''s the thing-- when I do make that change, I want to do it for me, not to make him happier/ respect me more...

I will clarify that he tells me I am gorgeous and beautiful every day too... but the other day he brought up how *if* I had kids, or something else that makes you gain significant weight, and didn''t lose it, the sexual attraction would diminish. I get it, but it still hurts. I thought it was definitely a little harsh; kind of like a disguised threat!

As of today, we definitely aren''t fighting/ avoiding each other-- we never were; but I feel like there is a big rift between us now and this might be a step backwards for us...

 

[phoenixgirl]

Your feelings are totally understandable. If you ever decide to change your eating or exercise habits, that should be *your* choice, for *you.* But your partner should be with you because he likes you the way you are now regardless of whether or not you ever change.

My DH and I have both been flabby (not fat, but not in shape) and both been in shape, but we are always the ones who decide to do it for ourselves. Our comments to each other are always positive and accepting; maybe one of us will say, "Ugh, I don''t like the way I look!" but then the other one says, "I think you''re great the way you are." I would feel so awful if DH put me down. If *you* feel that you want to change, that''s one thing, but how awful to have somebody else telling you to do it.

This could possibly just be one of those irreconcilable differences. To me, it would be just the same if your BF were pressuring you to be more religious or ambitious in your career or something like that. Whether it''s working out or going to religious meetings or changing careers, he''s trying to get you to do something that''s not you, at least not you today in 2009. And the natural human response is then to resist.

Re: the baby weight comment. As a pregnant woman I can tell you, this is a scary prospect to me. I have definitely gained a lot of weight so far and still have 8 weeks to go. It will be hard to adjust to parenthood and try to get back in shape all at once. But DH knows I take care of myself the best that I can, and if I have to let myself go for a few months while we are adjusting, then so be it. It''s going to be hard enough for me to accept that I don''t look the same after the baby; if DH were to make me feel that way . . . ugh!

I think your BF needs to decide if this is a deal breaker or just a "It would be nice if . . ." And if it''s the latter, then he needs to stop making comments and just accept you the way you are. I know my DH would love it if I played golf or became a cyclist so we could do those things together. But I am a solitary exerciser, and my things are running and doing workout videos at home. He''d really like it if I took up mountain biking, etc., but it''s not a deal breaker. I don''t enjoy those activities but I support him in doing them, and that''s the important thing. I go to his races, I watch golf with him on tv, I keep up with professional cycling . . . that''s what you do when you love someone.

Sure, it''d be nice if we all exercised more and ate better, but that''s really a separate issue. You and your BF need to decide if you can both be happy with and supportive of each other the way things are now. And then if you can, and you find your 4s aren''t fitting any more one day and *you* don''t like the way you feel or look, then you can make changes, but if it''s because of him, you will *always* doubt that he would be happy with you if you didn''t keep up your routine.

Hugs, and sorry you are dealing with this!

 

[neatfreak]

Honestly LG- it IS mean. What he said is very mean. Regardless of how he meant it. It's mean.

Personally I don't think I could have someone in my life who said those kinds of things to me. So no I don't think you are being ridiculous at all. I think you should be allowed to eat your sweets and enjoy them as long as it's a part of a healthy lifestyle.

I do think this could spell trouble if you guys can't work this out. I'm sorry to be so blunt-but I don't think it's healthy for him to say those things to you in your situation. My opinion would change if you were morbidly obese or very unhealthy **maybe** but since you are a healthy size there's no reason for him to say those things to you.

ETA: As to the pregnancy weight thing...I had twin boys 8 months ago. I gained a lot of weight because of it. No matter how big, uncomfortable, or sad I felt about gaining so much weight my husband was ALWAYS telling me how hot I looked. Trust me when your hormones are reeling, you are exhausted with a new infant, the LAST thing you should need to hear is "honey, go to the gym you've still got baby weight to lose."

Then as you get older and I'm sure a at least a little wider is he going to trade up for a younger tighter model? If he's so negative about a few lbs now what will happen when wrinkles and cellulite set in? Just something to think about.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Ditto NeatFreak.

I think being in shape vs. being what he finds "attractive" are two different things as well. It's one thing to want your partner to be healthy because, obviously, being healthy is better than not. It's another to say, "I wouldn't find you attractive if X," or to know that he judges you when you eat cookies. That's very controlling, IMO. He's going to tell you what to eat???? I remember once that somebody on here was complaining that her SO drank a shot every night when he came home from work, but there's no medical reason that men without a history of alcoholism can't have 1-2 drinks a day (and actually any type of liquor in moderation has positive health effects despite the red wine industry making people think it's just wine). She was sitting there fuming about his shot and trying to break his habit, which just made him want to do it more . . .

It just sounds like you are on two different pages. Even if we are reading too much into his comments since we're not getting his point of view, there's still the problem that he is Mr. Gym Rat and seems like he will only be happy with a Miss Gym Rat girlfriend. Maybe if you were the same size, shape, etc. that you are now but he knew you worked out a ton and didn't eat cookies any more

(BTW, I just ate two yummy chocolate chip cookies from Eating Well magazine), maybe he would accept your size since he knew you were "trying"? Do you think? But the comments about being attracted to you make it sound like, no, this is about looks and control, not about health.

And Cindy, I don't think you should worry about what other people think about you or your BF. Life is too short! If you're going to worry, worry that it might be an unhealthy thing for him (as waist size and belly fat are two of the measures of health). But just like our advice to LG, your BF should be with someone who isn't thinking that he's not good enough, right? The important thing is to be healthy for your own sake and then to be happy with who you are!

LG, often we make things into issues for our partners that are really our own issues. Maybe your BF feels very self-conscious about his looks, thus his drive to perfect himself at the gym. So like Cindy, maybe when he says things to you, it's not really about you, maybe just about him and how he would feel about himself if he weren't in the best possible shape.

Anyway, based on my two long posts you can tell that I really do feel for you! I hope you can work things out, but at the end of the day I hope that you'll stick up for yourself if BF can't let go of needing you to stop eating cookies and go to the gym more. Because when somebody doesn't realize that he can't/shouldn't control his partner, then he's liable to do this with other parts of your lives together too. Any time he thinks he's in the right, he'll try to make you do things "his way." For a relationship to work long term, you both need to accept your partners for who they are and be prepared to compromise when issues arise. "My way or the highway" doesn't work . . .

 

[decodelighted]

Its not apples to apples ... but why don''t you ask him what he''d do if you were in a terrible accident and didn''t look like yourself anymore? Or became disabled? Is this just an "attractiveness" issue ... or something deeper -- like a tendency to objectify women -- or not respect women -- or to tie one''s own self-image with the physical image of their partner.

If he''s in his early 20''s too ... he might not be thinking about all the natural aging you BOTH will be doing. You''re not going to look like this when you''re 80 yanno? (No disrespect to all the hot 80 year old PSers -- I know you''re out there). There''s a maturing that goes on with many guys at some point and they change their opinions about physicality being the be all & end all. BUT SOME DO NOT. Time to figure out which he is. Is he a self-centered narcissist? Or a slightly chauvanistic lookist? Or a regular guy dealing with a worst case scenario fear as he leans toward committment?

 

[princesss]

LG, what I''m going to say may sound extreme, but I''ve been there. On the opposite side of it, but I''ve been there.

Him saying that isn''t healthy, it isn''t good, and (IMO) it is worth leaving over.

He doesn''t seem to be focused on YOU being HEALTHY, he''s focused on HIM and HIS WANTS. My BF really doesn''t like my ability to, like you, down a can of frosting in one sitting, or the fact that given the choice between fruits and veggies or cookies, I''ll take the cookies. But it is always motivated for concern for me and my health. At one point he lost it with me because I was having heart trouble and issues breathing, but I wasn''t willing to give up the sweets. He freaked out because he was scared. Because my habits meant that he risked losing me too early.

Is that what your BF is concerned with? Or is he worried that people look at the two of you and he wishes he was seen with a more attractive girl? Or does he only think slim, muscular girls look good?

I''m sure I''m being too sensitive about this because it brings up a really awful time in my past (where I was told that my attractiveness was tied almost exclusively to my weight, and were that to change my partner would no longer be attracted to me, but he''d stay with me anyways "because [he''s] such a nice guy.") But really, he doesn''t have a good attitude about this, and it worries me. There won''t always be time to go to the gym multiple times a week every week, and he''s not going to be able to stay in this shape forever. I think it''s time for a reality check.

 

[Camille]

Oh Lamborghini, you may feel HURT because you m*a*y be seeing a red flag. Boys like that spell insecurity camouflaged by perfection.
We all need to watch our sugar intake but telling our loved one that we aren''t going to be attracted if he/she gains weight, it''s just plain rude. Just wondering if he has a crystal ball? Can HE guarateed you HE would like now [including hair] in the future?
Sorry you''re going through this.

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 8/25/2009 11:22:55 AM
Author: phoenixgirl
Ditto NeatFreak.

I think being in shape vs. being what he finds ''attractive'' are two different things as well. It''s one thing to want your partner to be healthy because, obviously, being healthy is better than not. It''s another to say, ''I wouldn''t find you attractive if X,'' or to know that he judges you when you eat cookies. That''s very controlling, IMO. He''s going to tell you what to eat???? I remember once that somebody on here was complaining that her SO drank a shot every night when he came home from work, but there''s no medical reason that men without a history of alcoholism can''t have 1-2 drinks a day (and actually any type of liquor in moderation has positive health effects despite the red wine industry making people think it''s just wine). She was sitting there fuming about his shot and trying to break his habit, which just made him want to do it more . . .

It just sounds like you are on two different pages. Even if we are reading too much into his comments since we''re not getting his point of view, there''s still the problem that he is Mr. Gym Rat and seems like he will only be happy with a Miss Gym Rat girlfriend. Maybe if you were the same size, shape, etc. that you are now but he knew you worked out a ton and didn''t eat cookies any more

(BTW, I just ate two yummy chocolate chip cookies from Eating Well magazine), maybe he would accept your size since he knew you were ''trying''? Do you think? But the comments about being attracted to you make it sound like, no, this is about looks and control, not about health.

And Cindy, I don''t think you should worry about what other people think about you or your BF. Life is too short! If you''re going to worry, worry that it might be an unhealthy thing for him (as waist size and belly fat are two of the measures of health). But just like our advice to LG, your BF should be with someone who isn''t thinking that he''s not good enough, right? The important thing is to be healthy for your own sake and then to be happy with who you are!

LG, often we make things into issues for our partners that are really our own issues. Maybe your BF feels very self-conscious about his looks, thus his drive to perfect himself at the gym. So like Cindy, maybe when he says things to you, it''s not really about you, maybe just about him and how he would feel about himself if he weren''t in the best possible shape.

Anyway, based on my two long posts you can tell that I really do feel for you! I hope you can work things out, but at the end of the day I hope that you''ll stick up for yourself if BF can''t let go of needing you to stop eating cookies and go to the gym more. Because when somebody doesn''t realize that he can''t/shouldn''t control his partner, then he''s liable to do this with other parts of your lives together too. Any time he thinks he''s in the right, he''ll try to make you do things ''his way.'' For a relationship to work long term, you both need to accept your partners for who they are and be prepared to compromise when issues arise. ''My way or the highway'' doesn''t work . . .

I know Phoenixgirl, i know!

Everyone has always told me I worry too much about everything.

One of these days I have to stop worrying about things that I can or can not cange or I will get worry lines prematurely!!!

LG, I hope you feel better soon!

 

[KimberlyH]

Life happens, people get older, metabolism slows down, we don''t have as much time to exercise, for women pregnancy changes our bodies, and we tend to gain weight as we get older. It''s the cycle of things. Noting all of those things, if my spouse was gorging on food I would be concerned for his health and well being and we would most definitely talk about it; and if I were doing the same I guarantee he would come to me to say that he was worried about my eating habits or lack of exercise.

In my mind, it isn''t all about the number on a clothing tag or how much a person weighs (there are thin people who can eat whatever they want, but they aren''t healthy, and there are people who some may consider heavy who eat very well and exercise but simply have larger frames; clearly no one should judge the latter, and concern for the former would be warranted (my mom is very thin and eats terribly and it worries me very much)), it''s about caring about living ones'' best life and taking care ones'' body. This doesn''t mean dessert is banned or no more potato chips, but it does mean being conscious of what food does to a body and not being gluttonous on a regular basis.

What are his motivations for saying these things to you? Is he concerned about your health? Does he just want a hot girlfriend? Or is he worried your lifestyles don''t match up long term? I would think long and hard about why he is saying these things to you, talk to him about it, and then make the right choice for you about continuing this relationship.

 

[lucyandroger]

LG, Is this the same BF that enjoys frequenting strip clubs?

I have to agree with the other ladies that this sends up a HUGE red flag for me. All the ladies above have said it better than I can. I just wanted to point out that if this is the same guy, he seems to have shown a pattern of objectifying women and disregarding your feelings. There''s a difference between going to bachelor parties every once in a while and going to strip clubs often then telling your GF she''s not attractive enough.

I have to ask, doe he make you happy?

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

Thank you everyone for all the the thoughts and concerns and sympathy! I am not ready to respond to anyone yet, as I am still pretty down about this and not sure what to do. I am torn because I want time to think right now and BF is respecting it, but I feel bad because it is his birthday tomorrow! I want to celebrate with him and give him his presents. But I am not ready to figure all these issues out yet.

Thank you for all of your support, I have read everyone's comments closely and actually brought up some of your points with him. We were talking through this and he is seeing now how hurtful and wrong his attitude is. But this stuff doesn't just change overnight- nor can he. I am struggling with whether I will ever feel totally comfortable again. Not sure how to figure that out.

In the meantime, I am keeping very busy in meetings, and on pricescope

 

[tlh]

LG - I'm glad you both are working through things, and I hope his birthday is nice... does he eat cake on his birthday? Cuz I'm all about some birthday cake!

Now, you are happy about your weight, but I can say I'm not happy with mine. I've got some soft spots, which I don't enjoy... and I'm pretty vocal about it... but when you run 25-40 miles a week, walk an additional 10-20, AND swim, lift weights or do cardio another 3 days a week, you're bound to get frustrated...all while eating 1200-1500 calories a day. My hubs used to ask me if I was sure I wanted to have XXX, whatever XXX was, and used to try to give me advice, trying to be helpful... it really wasn't, it came off condescending and lecture-y. Turns out I have some other fat loving medical issue which is incredibly frustrating, and something he has NEVER had to deal with. The reason he'd be frustrated, was because he was tired of me b!tching. Of course, now that he has a clearer understanding of how much MORE DIFFICULT it is for me to lose weight than him, he has really backed off.

I make a concentrated effort to complain less, and I tell him not to moniter my food or count my calories. He has his own health and body, so he should watch what goes in his mouth, and chose what words come out of it very carefully... and pay less attn to what goes in mine (trust me I count every calorie, and journal every bite of food including gum and tictacs.) unless he wants to deal with the verbal lashing that will come out of mine.

But you say you are HAPPY. So if you are happy, that means you aren't complaining. So then that means, he is the one that isn't happy with the way you look, and that is HIS problem. But if you are complaining that you wish you were a little thinner, and you're eatting a bunch of cookies, etc... than maybe he just is getting frustrated that (as you said) it is so easy for you to lose weight, and yet you don't do anything about it.

My only side point, is that a bunch of cookies, deserts are not healthy. Try to make healthier choices for you. Shoot, as a kid I'd be happy eatting girl scoutt cookies and twistlers all day... but that wouldn't be a healthy way to live, and something I've learned as an adult... if I eat cr@p I feel like cr@p... not only the day I eat it, but the day afterwards too. I'm hoping that you two can find a healthy medium. There shouldn't be any forbidden foods, and sure you should be able to eat an occassional cookie... maybe as a weekly or twice a week treat. If you need sweets everyday.. maybe try sugar free popcycles, or sugar free jello, that you two can enjoy together. It doesn't have the powerful negative punch, and will still hit that sweet tooth... and save the more potent things like cake, icecream and cookies, for the weekend.

I wish you the best!

 

[Maria D]

Date: 8/25/2009 1:47:34 AM
Author:LamborghiniGirl
>snip
After writing this I seriously could see how this may seem petty and just a wakeup call I need to get in better shape.

>snip

LGirl when I got this far I honestly thought the next words after "wakeup call" were going to be "I need to break up with him."

I have been very happily married for 20 years. I have been many sizes. My husband hasn''t been able to keep his hands off me through any of them! The only time he has ever commented on my doing something stupid like eating a can of frosting is when I''m down on myself for it and he tries to make me feel better. "tomorrow is another day, don''t beat yourself up you''ll only feel worse, let''s go to bed

"

Having a partner like this -- and reciprocating in kind -- is even better than all the sugary frosting in the world! You deserve better.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who stated (and I paraphrase) "no one can make you feel bad without your participation". If he is telling you "what" to do, then you really don''t have any choice at all. Don''t allow it:, choose to take your cookies and self esteem, put that Lambo in first gear, and away you go. See if he can catch up.

cheers--Sharon

 

[*Danielle*]

I have to agree with all of the above. I am at my highest weight right now and pushing a size eleven (wide hips I tell you!). I recently got a gym membership and have been trying to eat healthier. This was done FOR me and he is happy for me to do what I want.

No man should ever have the right to tell you how you should look in order to please him. I know that he has not said it that way, but the fact is, he is already made you feel bad for being you and you are only dating. What will he do when you are married and having kids. You WILL gain weight and your body WILL change. Will he love you less or push you away? How will you enjoy a marriage with that kind of relationship already building.

Of course, only you know you relationship, but we can see it is already bothering you. Maybe nipping it in the bud wouldn''t be such a bad idea.

 

[dani2142]

I agree 100% with Danielle. If my fiance'' ever talked to me the way your fiance'' talks to you... (even though he does it nicely) I would have to tell him to frick off. You are who you are. If he has such a big problem with your eating habits he shouldn''t have proposed. I hope that he changes but more then likely it''ll just get worse.

I also love sweets... I could eat ice cream every dang night I tell ya!! LOL but I don''t. I also love beer, hot wings... pizza... shooot the list could go on and on. I eat what I want when I want but I don''t go overboard and eat in moderation. I also work out. I work out because I want to. Not because my fiance'' tells me to.

My sister used to date a doctor who constantly told her not to eat pizza and the stuff she loved. needless to say it didn''t work out.

You and your fiance'' need to have a heart to heart for sure. If this is something that really bothers him then I don''t see it getting better unfortunately. Sorry girlie. Just remember NEVER sacrafice your happiness. Not for anyone!!!

 

[dani2142]

Sorry I kept saying fiance''... I just re-read he is your bf... dang it should be easier to get rid of him then!!! LOL jk girlie.

 

[makemepretty]

I''m sorry honey, but your boyfriend is an a**. People age, gravity kicks in, after kids the body just aint the same. I have never ever seen a perfect looking person and you know what? Take a look at old people, do ANY of them look like they did in their 20''s....at all? NO.

Your boyfriend is superficial and judgmental and I''m willing to bet, not even close to perfect but yet you love him. Your significant other should love you for what''s inside and still be attracted to you no matter if you get cancer and lose all your hair. This is a big red flag. If he is not happy with how you are now, when you''re basically at your prime, then he will never be happy with you, no matter how darn hard you work to try to be perfect.

My hubby met me when I was a teenager, I''m now close to 40. He tells me I''m the most beautiful woman ever and that my rear end still drives him crazy. I laugh because that rear end, is now a couple inches lower than it was when I was 17 .

You sound like you have great self esteem and love how you are. Kuddos for that! If he''s serious about not finding you sexually attractive if you actually gain a few pounds or after kids have a flabby tummy than that should be a big wake up call because NOT all guys are like that. He doesn''t love you, that''s not love at all.

 

[dani2142]

you go makemepretty!!!! i totally agree with you!

 

[swingirl]

If your boyfriend is giving you flack about it now, what will you have to endure when you are older, softer, flabbier and yes, fatter. Because most women do get heavier over time--hormones, pregnancy, metabolism, belly fat, etc. Out bodies are made to hold on to fat for childbearing.

Don't let any man tell you you have to thin to be sexy. It's a lie. If thinness is that important to your BF he needs to date a very slim woman who shares his passion for exercise and has the genetic make-up to stay slim for life. He shouldn't date you and then criticize your weight and tell you he's frustrated with your diet. That's not love and I don't think you can or should work past this. It's a major issue. No man should want to make his woman feel badly about herself.

However, a word to the wise, bingeing on 10 cookies in one sitting and dessert every night will catch up to you in a few years and you'll find it harder and harder to stay in the normal healthy range.

 

[bee*]

Date: 8/25/2009 1:47:34 AM
Author:LamborghiniGirl


BF cannot come to terms with this. He is always judging me and disappointed when I have a bunch of cookies or want dessert. He gets upset when I don''t want to work out. He has told me he wishes I was more in shape. He has said that my diet frustrates him and he thinks I am weak because of it. Recently he told me that he will always love me, but because guys are so visual, if I gain more weight, like after kids and don''t lose it, he just won''t be as attracted to me, sexually. Mind you, he never has said these things in a mean way, if anything he goes out of his way to say it nicely. Not that is doesn''t sting like hell and make me cry!

This paragraph is the one that upsets me. It''s awful to feel judged over anything, especially if it''s your partner judging you. I agree with the others in that it does sound mean. You''re not overweight, you should be able to enjoy a few cookies without someone commenting on it. I''ve been with D for ten years and I gained around 50lbs over that time (have since lost about 40 of them). He never commented and always told me he fancied me no matter what. I can understand why you''re upset over it. Really think about it though as I can see this being a serious issue in the future, especially if you have kids.

 

[that_someone_special]

Oh my sweet gosh

This post makes me sad

I am not quite sure what to say other than:

1) I could never be with someone that has said things like that to me
2) I wouldn''t feel comfortable eating around him anymore
3) I agree, cookies are num

4) I encourage you to take a deeper look into what you really want in a Mate.. someone that nags you? Someone that let''s YOU be you?


Personally, I am at my highest weight ever right now. My FI tells me he loves me this way or smaller, or bigger, whatever makes ME happy. I appreciate it and it let''s me take the time I need to get ready to lose the weight (again).

Now, did you ask him what he''ll do to lose his "saggy man ass" when he hits 40?? Or what about when he starts getting wrinkles? Or a GIZZARD?

You deserve better babe!

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Date: 9/2/2009 6:13:48 PM
Author: swedish bean
Oh my sweet gosh

This post makes me sad

I am not quite sure what to say other than:

1) I could never be with someone that has said things like that to me
2) I wouldn''t feel comfortable eating around him anymore
3) I agree, cookies are num

4) I encourage you to take a deeper look into what you really want in a Mate.. someone that nags you? Someone that let''s YOU be you?


Personally, I am at my highest weight ever right now. My FI tells me he loves me this way or smaller, or bigger, whatever makes ME happy. I appreciate it and it let''s me take the time I need to get ready to lose the weight (again).

Now, did you ask him what he''ll do to lose his ''saggy man ass'' when he hits 40?? Or what about when he starts getting wrinkles? Or a GIZZARD?

You deserve better babe!

I agree with this 100%.
He is a bully. I''m sorry, but it''s the truth. And I''m sure you love him and that he can be an awesome guy, but he has started emotionally abusing you.
And that''s NOT a road you want to go down.
I think you should lose about 160 pounds, in the shape of an insecure, abusive and mean man.
And I think you should use those leg muscles, to run away as fast as you can!

I''m sorry for being so blunt, but I hope that you can think about some of this and realise that we are objective outsiders, and some of us have been in emotionally abusive relationships, and we just want to prevent anyone else from going through that.

((HUGS))

 

[LamborghiniGirl]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am just as concerned about myself at this point as you all are! Reading through all of your thoughts brings me to tears. I am so sad at this point and we still haven''t resolved this. Like I mentioned before, he wanted a chance to show me through his actions/words over time that he was going to change his attitude about this.

We fought about it a week ago, a little after I started this thread, and I left and moved back into my condo. He was crying, pleading etc etc but I left. After things settled down he promised to really try to shift his outlook, because my feelings were important. So we were fine again.

But 2 days ago, he said something again, and when I got upset, he tried to defend himself as to why he should be able to say it. Which makes me think he didn''t take the hint the first 5 times that he needs to change how he feels/talks about me. But now I think maybe he can''t. Ever. Which is what I know all of you have been saying.

We haven''t spoken since then. He wrote me an email saying he only realizes he has done it again after I have gotten upset and had to cry and argue why he is wrong. So at this point... we are not together. I am thinking maybe he will finally get the message if I send him a link to this thread.

The odd thing is, at this point, I am so upset, the thought of cookies or frosting or any of it makes me sick!

 

[Patchee]

Hi LG

I am not going to type about how wrong your BF is for saying what he did to you. I don''t know him, none of us do, only you have the right to say about his wrong doings. That''s only fair.

What I am going to say is that we are individuals and we will always run into, have relations with someone who will suggest to us what they think we should or should not do. Sometimes this comes from people who have their OWN faults therefore, whoever is around them they will find fault in just to make theirselves feel better, do you get what I am saying?

By any means know one should say harsh words to someone they love, words hurt just as much as a literal slap in the face. It is a choice we have to condone it or walk away from the situation but everyone''s life is different and we contour to what our lives are for many reasons. I.e. comfort, finances, kids, etc.

You sound like you are a beautiful person, an average shape in a very good size of clothes! We ALL fluctuate in sizes!! Ok, so you like sweets, I find what you like to ONLY be an issue if you were gaining weight rapidly because of it but you do not sound like you are at all. You are one of those lucky people that CAN eat what you want and still look good! KUDOS to you!

Your BF wants you to work out because he does? He seems like that type of person who HAS to work out to keep shape. You don''t. He is probably a bit jealous that you don''t have to.

You will always be considered weak in his eyes as far as strength! Your a lady not a male body builder! It hurts me only of what he said about not feeling attrative to you, just because he strated dating you for you, the way you are not what he thinks you should be NOW.

Don''t change for anyone, you are perfect the way you are.

Men and general population put so much stress on a women to be thin and hard bodied. Which in return causes a ton of hearache, weight ganing for some or anorexic people!

Why is ok that a man can have a huge ass beer belly but it''s looked down upon if a women does? How many anorexic men are there out there? Food for thought, I think!

I am a strong, hard worker (horses I have) 5''3 114 lbs. and I eat whatever I want. My husband has gained the "Happily Married" 15 lbs. LOL. Do I care about that? Nope, would I say anyhting to him? Never, because he beats his self up enough, and when HE is ready he will change that. I love him unconditionally for him, not for what the PUBLIC should see him as.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Date: 9/3/2009 10:08:21 AM
Author: LamborghiniGirl
Thank you everyone for your responses. I am just as concerned about myself at this point as you all are! Reading through all of your thoughts brings me to tears. I am so sad at this point and we still haven''t resolved this. Like I mentioned before, he wanted a chance to show me through his actions/words over time that he was going to change his attitude about this.

We fought about it a week ago, a little after I started this thread, and I left and moved back into my condo. He was crying, pleading etc etc but I left. After things settled down he promised to really try to shift his outlook, because my feelings were important. So we were fine again.

But 2 days ago, he said something again, and when I got upset, he tried to defend himself as to why he should be able to say it. Which makes me think he didn''t take the hint the first 5 times that he needs to change how he feels/talks about me. But now I think maybe he can''t. Ever. Which is what I know all of you have been saying.

We haven''t spoken since then. He wrote me an email saying he only realizes he has done it again after I have gotten upset and had to cry and argue why he is wrong. So at this point... we are not together. I am thinking maybe he will finally get the message if I send him a link to this thread.

The odd thing is, at this point, I am so upset, the thought of cookies or frosting or any of it makes me sick!

Well done for having the courage and strength to get out. I know how much you must be hurting, and I''m so sorry.

My mom went through the same thing with my father. My mom was a beautiful young woman, inside and out. She ignored the signs of abuse until it was too late, and she was married and trapped. After we were born (my twin sister and I) he said that he no longer found her attractive, and cracked her self esteem little by little until she felt completely worthless. He even used it as an excuse for his affairs. He eventually started verbally abusing my sister and I. Needless to say it was an unhappy childhood. My mom eventually got out, but not before it ruined half her life and emotionally scarred her children forever. My mom was deeply in love with my father, he was handsome and charming, and because he was nice most of the time before they got married she thought he would change. He didn''t. He was always full of apologies and tears, but that''s all it ever was: empty words.

I think deep down what''s hurting you most is that you know in your heart that he''s not going to change, because he can''t, and that you will have to let go. Sure, he might apologize and not bring it up again for a few months, but he will still be THINKING it, because that won''t change, it''s who he is. And eventually, it will all start all over again. If you marry this man, he will emotionally abuse you until you have zero self esteem, and you won''t be able to leave him then because you will believe that you don''t deserver better.

I''m asking you, for your own sake, and for the sake of the kids you want to have one day, DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. I know it''s tough, but it will be the wisest decision you will ever make.

Good luck sweety.

 

[cara]

Good for you LG. Its for him to love you as you are, not to control and harp on you and threaten to withhold his love and attraction to you to get you to be the person he wants you to be. This wasn't about your health, this was about control, and its walking the line with emotional abuse. Be strong.

He *may* be capable of a smidgeon of change, but I seriously doubt it will happen in any kind of time frame or to any extent that will make it a good idea for you to get back together. And really, he has stated quite clearly that he doesn't find certain traits about you attractive -- even if he is able, at some point in the future, to see that he was being superficial and controlling, he will be much happier with someone that shares his gym-rat desire, that monitors their own diet because they want too for their own reasons. But if you try to morph yourself into that person to please him, I sense disaster. Even *trying* would mean his control-freak behavior is OK and its not.

You deserve someone that loves you as you are, and you should be healthy (and splurge on the occasional cookie-binge) for yourself. Good luck, its got to be tough but you will be better on the other side...

 

[neatfreak]

Good for you LG! I will say though, if he said something insensitive just a few days after you moved out and had a huge fight about it...it doesn''t sound to *me* like he is trying all that hard. It sounds like looks are really important to him no matter what he says...and unfortunately I am not sure that is easily changed especially if he isn''t willing to try.

Hugs girl! You deserve to be treated better.