Finding & keeping a life partner....

[fancyrock]

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A. a relationships coach who lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they''re getting married, they''ll say: "We''re in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there''s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can''t build a lifetime relationship on love alone." You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you''re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you''re married for

20 or 30 years that''s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won''t get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions: Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don''t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others! You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I''m hoping to change about this person after we''re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they''re married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse"! If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn''t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; so be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don''t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn''t do your homework.

Another perspective... There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It''s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life. An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye." Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don''t let lust! , desperation, immaturity, ignorance,
pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don''t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren''t really that important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time, his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you''ve got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together. Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring! past relationships, past hurt, past mist! rust, past pain? You can''t take someone to the altar to alter them. Yo u can''t make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won''t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, image preference, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:



1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace the passion. There it goes . . . Success is nothing without someone to share it with.... May God Bless each of you in your endeavor

 

[Richard Sherwood]

Hi FireRock. Great post. I agreed with most of Mr Heller's observations except for the following:

-----------
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this
may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result
of a good marriage.
-----------

My grandmother once told me, "Honey, don't marry the one you can live with. Marry the one you can't live without."

Love is the crux of it all. It is the horse, not the cart. Without the power of it to drive the relationship, no amount of "relational strategies" are going to create love, or fix a relationship. Only the power of love, coupled with forgiveness, will carry a relationship through the tough times. Only the power of love will conquer all adversaries.

If a couple has not discovered that love in the period prior to their marriage, the chances of discovering it after marriage are pretty slim. They might end up having a relationship that functions, but doesn't thrive. They might have happiness, but they will not enter the realm of joy.

 

[hoorray]

Rich,

You are clearly a mensch.

Well put.

 

[Jennifer5973]

Rich is right. During the long years of marriage with its highs--and lows--you're going to need to build on that beginning passion, go back to it, draw on it. If you don't start out with that desire and intensity, it's going to be pretty tough down the road.

And I, personally, am shooting (was, I guess, as it's almost 8 years) for more than "functioning." I am lucky to have found it, too.

 

[aljdewey]

Rich, you are truly a wise man.




What Rich said is DEAD ON. Relationships have ebbs and flows....times when you're incredibly in sync and times when you can't seem to agree on something blatantly obvious (like whether or not it's raining outside!).




For the latter times, the thing that gets you through IS love. Love is the glue. It's the buffer when you're mad. It's the punctuation when you're elated. It is the the source of your resolve when you struggle together.

 

[fancyrock]

My grandmother once told me, "Honey, don't marry the one you can live with. Marry the one you can't live without."




------------------------




Well put grandma!!




I do agree with you Rich, that LOVE is the foundation of a long lasting relationship. A relationship/marriage is like a bank account. You can withdrawal from it by what you deposit in to it and it's a JOINT account after all. There are days your LOVE balance could be running low and they are days you have it very high (earning more love dividens /idealbb/images/smilies/16.gif). Sometimes, you withdrawal from it more than your partner and vise versa. Your love account needs daily attention. If you ignore it long enough you will pay the price. (There is no fun in getting ding for NSF fees.../idealbb/images/smilies/14.gif /idealbb/images/smilies/nono.gif) It's always good to keep some extra on reserve for those crazy days... /idealbb/images/smilies/9.gif




"Give me a shot of love... Coming right up...!!!"

 

[bar01]

What a wonderful post.

Marrying “for love’s sake” has not always been the basis for marriage – in past times and other cultures. The dismal divorce rate these days makes me wonder if we need to look these issues.

Heller has the right ideas. Like Rich I am not sure I completly agree about it "not being important to be in love" before marraige.

Being in love is important, and should be there - at some level, but it is not THE reason to get married. I feel that love is not a fixed thing. How you love someone varies with each person and with time.

Love evolves and changes over time in a relationship. How it evolves - and what it evolves into - depends on the interactions, character, and values of the two people.

Many times in the intial stage of a love relationship you have that super intense – “can’t live without this person” – “got to have them all the time” feeling. That often changes.

Alternatively, sometimes love is not always an initial “instant” thing when you first become involved with someone – it may develop over a period of time of being in a relationship and getting to understand who the person is - which is the point I think Heller was trying to make.

As Heller states, I think the most important things to a successful marraige are shared values (family, religion, money) and mutually understood (and hopefully shared) life goals. Also mutual respect and admiration is VERY important. Also are they "a giver" – or - "a taker". Lastly is commitment and perseverance – are you going to marry a person who will “sticks to it” - who is not the type to give up when things get messy?

Just my two cents !

PS - I did a Google Search for Dov Heller - and read some of his other thoughts on marriage and life - what a wise man!

 

[Rowan]

I like what Grandma said. It sure is hard being without the one you can't live without, though. My husband's been away two weeks and it feels like forever.

 

[sevens one]

Let me give you my perspective:

Love? I don't know about that
There are days when I HATE him and I know he HATES me right back.

So we have a commitment that keeps us together.

(we are committed to not Killing each other

)

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 10/6/2004 7:03:43 AM bar01 wrote:

What a wonderful post.

Alternatively, sometimes love is not always an initial “instant” thing when you first become involved with someone – it may develop over a period of time of being in a relationship and getting to understand who the person is - which is the point I think Heller was trying to make.

As Heller states, I think the most important things to a successful marraige are shared values (family, religion, money) and mutually understood (and hopefully shared) life goals. Also mutual respect and admiration is VERY important. Also are they 'a giver' – or - 'a taker'. Lastly is commitment and perseverance – are you going to marry a person who will “sticks to it” - who is not the type to give up when things get messy?

Just my two cents !

PS - I did a Google Search for Dov Heller - and read some of his other thoughts on marriage and life - what a wise man!----------------

I have to agree with you here. I think Heller was talking about a higher plane of love. If you admire & seek the qualities he talks about, the depth of that love can only grow.

Our relationship was a "friendship that caught fire." I loved my hubby to be long before I loved him. Two distinct feelings. It's that first love, of him the person, that has endured. It's not that sometimes I don't get that flutter; but, it's that second tier higher plane love that sustains us. He's still my best friend. As Atlantis Morrisette put it "Best Friend with Benefits".

I don't know if you have been following the "Anxious to get the e-ring" thread. Still haven't been through all the posts, but I hope they read this thread. It's really what a successful marriage is *all* about. The excitement about the planning & dresses is just that - excitement - not commitment.

Of course the pragmatist in me also needs for the couple to ask "Who's going to handle the checkbook?" That simple question will reveal sooooo much.

Interesting read. Thanks firerock.

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 10/6/2004 10:16:05 AM sevens one wrote:


(we are committed to not Killing each other

)----------------

Hah! We are the self professed Bickersons! No passive agressive issues in our relationship! Fortunately, we agree on the big things. If I can just get him to think w/ the left side of the brain, I'd be bored but happy.

. Though, he thinks it is *I* that thinks w/ the right side of the brain.

 

[goldengirl]

F&I--I agree with you that anybody planning on getting married ought to put some thought into the long-term reliability of their relationship.

It was fascinating for me to read this thread; as I was going through the first post, I was, of course, comparing it to my relationship. And it went something like this: check, check, check, check, check.

I also compared it to The Ex, who was an intensely selfish person with whom I had an intensely consuming passion and no communication or shared goals. "But I love him" was a phrase often uttered, to my great shame. At some point I just grew up and realized we wouldn't work in the long run. And although we had a LOUSY relationship, it was really hard to let him go.

It was a year before I even considered dating again as I recovered from that breakup. And when I decided it was time to get out there again and start looking, I was absolutely committed to finding someone who "worked". I wanted someone who wanted the same things I did, who had a sense of responsibility and was willing to do the stuff that had to be done, who liked to laugh and appreciated my sometimes quirky interests. Someone who hated drama as much as I did and most importantly, someone with whom I didn't constantly bicker.

I was lucky enough to find someone whose personality had my preferred characteristics, who was level-headed and who was able to tell the difference between big issues and petty stuff not worth fighting over. We are incredibly compatible and he is my best friend, but it took a while for me to really trust it... after the Ex, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I am grateful that we can have a mature relationship without the constant drama so common to couples in my age bracket. I love that we can talk about the future and he's not afraid of commitment. I love that we want the same things out of life. I love that even now, we have a common purpose. But I spent a lot of time reading on good relationships before I started dating, and I was ruthless in eliminating those I did not feel were compatible. I was lucky to find him so soon, because I know I wouldn't have settled for less.

I do think that everyone should go into marraige with their eyes wide open. If there's going to be a potential problem, at least be aware of it so you can manage it before it gets out of control. We made it a point to talk about the stuff that causes the most problems: money, religion, kids, politics, in-laws. We don't see any problems (as we pretty much agree on all issues) but if they were to come up, we're confident that we could discuss them rationally.

Oh, and I'll be paying the bills. He's grateful to not have to track due dates and I'm anal about paying them on time.

 

[Bagpuss]

Sometimes I think that you can over analyze relationships. When I met my husband, I fell in love straightaway, that night in fact, if I'm honest about it. We'd been together for about three months when we decided to get married and in that time we'd learned a lot about each other and our respective backgrounds. I know I didn't think as logically about our relationship as the first post suggests you should, but I instinctively knew that I'd found the right person. Everything just seemed to be right, plus we had (and still have) the passion too.




We've been together thirty years now and I know that I made the right decision. I know that dh feels the same way. Then again, maybe we were just lucky. Who's to say?

 

[researcher]

Take it from me, a psychologist with a father who's a marriage and family counselor--all marriages should be based on love, friendship, and respect. And if you want to know the greatest relationship expert in the field, seek out the work of Dr. John Gottman. Now he's someone to quote!

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 10/7/2004 7:12:30 PM researcher wrote:

the work of Dr. John Gottman. Now he's someone to quote!----------------

"a husband that couldn't remember the name of the family dog because he was always working"

These people really exist & are adding to the gene pool? I just read some blurbs on the internet. Seems like a common sense approach in real world senario.

Though I have to disagree because I do subscribe to the men are from mars; women are from venus. Men do approach things very differently & interpretation can be quite different. I always use the example of - drove me crazy that anytime I was venting - hubby was trying to solve my problem - when in fact I was just venting. I didn't want him to solve my problem. So, when I vent he always asks sheepishly - "solve or not solve?" It always makes me laugh (humour is underestimated in a relationship). I think men are hard wired differently than women.

Yes, I do agree with him that pre-counseling can be very enlightening. We had it. That was the first question asked to us "Who will be handling the checkbook?".