First Post - Need advise

[clar3540]

Hello Everyone!

I have been browsing these forums for some time and decided to ask for advice on my situation.
I am definitely suffering from LIWitis. I have been with my BF for 9 years now (we started dating when I was 15) and have been living together for 2.5 years despite my Father wanting me to be married before we moved in together. I decided I would like to live with him first to make sure we are compatible living under the same roof and we have proven to work great together. I love him very much and i feel like it is time to take things to the next level which i have made very clear to him, probably a little too clear. I probably have been talking about getting engaged for the last 2 years consistently and i am still waiting. I know he loves me to death but I just keep thinking WHAT IS HE WAITING FOR. He says all the time he wants to marry me and yet nothing happens. I have seen many of my friends getting engaged recently and it is hard for me to be happy for them because i am always wishing it was me. Everyone has been bugging him including his friends and parents and i know he has looked at rings but he wont say anything about how far along he has gotten in the process of actually getting the ring. He could have it already for all i know but i just dont know how much longer i can wait i am getting so impatient!!

Everytime i see my Dad now he says things like "No Ringy, No Dingy" or "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" and i dont know if he is right, maybe my bf is just happy the way things are i mean we live together and we have a strong relationship so what is a piece of paper going to change anything but its something i have always wanted.

He says he wants to get married but who knows how much longer he will take. I have considered giving him a deadline but i feel that would take away from it being special because he would be forced into it. He says to me Let me do things how and when i want but i cant wait forever. Any advice?

 

[ovallvr]

Hi there!
I'm new as well.
Nine years is a pretty long time and I can see why LIWitis has well and truly set in over the last two years. The comments from well meaning family members certainly not helpful either and something a lot of ladies on here (myself included!) can probably relate to. The thing is, no one understands your relationship anywhere near as clearly as you and he.
Do you have an idea of what he is waiting for (i.e. is money, age etc concerns of his?)? I mean, have you had some honest and open converstations about this? If so, is he comfortable talking about it?
Do his actions (not only words) suggest he is planning for a future for the two of you?
I'm sorry it's tough but you're not alone.
x

 

[sonnyjane]

Meh, don't do a deadline or ultimatum. That won't go well. I do agree that nine years is a very long time, certainly long enough that you should be more comfortable talking to him about this than you seem. As the PP mentioned, does he have goals that he is working toward that might be holding him back? Wanting to accomplish X,Y, and Z before getting married? Also, and I might catch some flack for this, but 9 years IS a long time, but if those 9 years started when you were 15, I view it differently than say, a 34 year old that had been with her boyfriend since they were 25, if that makes sense?

 

[clar3540]

Thanks for the reply ladies.
He is just finishing up University. He went to college then University and he will be done this year, but he has decided now that he wants to do his Masters starting September. I guess i understand that he may want to be finished school when he gets married which is fine but the proposal part doesnt need to be put off until then. He is working and i am paying all the bills so i dont think it is a money issue. If we waited until he was done school to get engaged he would be 29 and i would be 27 which i feel is a little late for me personally to be getting married and starting a family i would be in my 30`s before i had kids then and i was hoping not to have them too late. I have been finished school and working for 2.5 years so maybe i am just at a different point then he is but i am growing impatient and we both feel that i am obsessed. I think about it alll the time.
Anyways i guess i will just have to keep waiting and know that i am not alone!

 

[ovallvr]

It sounds like part of the concern is not knowing exactly what his plan is. He may very well want to wait until after he finishes his Masters but it might help if you had a bit of a conversation as I'm sure part of the difficulty is the not knowing.
At least if you have some kind of idea, you can work towards it together and at least know what to expect and whether that's ok with you.
It is a difficult subject to raise, especially if he feels uncomfortable discussing (in which case he is not ready) but I think it's reasonable after the amount of time you've been together to get an idea of where you are heading.
I know with my boyfriend (we've been together 4 years), I brought up marriage after two years and told him that was something I wanted. I would have been ready then, but he wanted to wait as he wasn't quite ready. Over the next couple of years we had many conversations about our future etc and he was able to ease into it and finally, he became very comfortable and excited about the idea. I think it was important for both of us to establish that we were heading in the same direction, even if we were going at different paces.

 

[MisakiChan]

I think you should talk to him about how you *feel*. I cannot stress this enough - how you *feel*. I mean, if he really loves you, he will care whether you are unhappy. This means having a strong relationship: you can talk about anything to each other, especially if one of you has a problem.
You already know he wants to marry you, so I don't suggest giving a deadline. Just tell him that lately you've been confused about the direction in which the relationship is going. If he reassures you and tells you to back off and let him surprise you, I suggest you do that. It'll be much more fun if you don't pinpoint the exact moment when he'll propose!

 

[bee*]

I was with my DH for 8 years before we got engaged (met at 17). We had a chat about 2 years before we got engaged and he asked me to give him until Christmas the following year to save and work etc. For me it was nice having that time and knowing that it was coming at some stage. He bought the ring the following summer and proposed a bit later. Is there any chance you can sit down and have a talk about roughly what his plans are-obviously he wants to get married at some stage so is it in the next year or is he thinking after graduating etc.

 

[Amys Bling]

Meh, don't do a deadline or ultimatum. That won't go well. I do agree that nine years is a very long time, certainly long enough that you should be more comfortable talking to him about this than you seem. As the PP mentioned, does he have goals that he is working toward that might be holding him back? Wanting to accomplish X,Y, and Z before getting married? Also, and I might catch some flack for this, but 9 years IS a long time, but if those 9 years started when you were 15, I view it differently than say, a 34 year old that had been with her boyfriend since they were 25, if that makes sense?

Completely agree. My DH and I were together for 11 year before he proposed- an t that point we were already living together and had a mortgage for 2 years... We also started dating at 14 and 15. Honestly it is a long time to wait but it's hard to really count highschool years toward the "waiting" years as you're still kids- not even adults yet. I get it, I've been exactly where you are- but truly you are still young and you guys are building a Life together...

 

[clar3540]

All great advice, thank you.
I have had many conversations with him about it and he tells me it will happen when it happens and that i need to stop obsessing so i guess thats all i can do. He definitely knows how i feel because i bring it up a lot so maybe if i back off and let nature take its course then it will happen.

Thanks again for your input and good luck to all the other LIW

 

[LaraOnline]

It's a shame when men misread the situation to the point where they make their intended feel taken advantage of, or perhaps even afraid for their future plans.
A lot of the time, it's simply good ol' male clumsiness.

In my culture, unmarried people commonly look to the length of the relationship as an indicator of its success. (I'm Australian)
Perhaps your man is so comfortable, he doesn't really pick up on the intensity or even reality of your anxiety!
So there's no problem as far as he is concerned.

Please don't be upset. You are so far in to this now, all you can do is hold fast to your values (which were living together before marriage), and hold on for the ride!

All the best, ,<3 L.

 

[midwestlegal]

All great advice, thank you.
I have had many conversations with him about it and he tells me it will happen when it happens and that i need to stop obsessing so i guess thats all i can do. He definitely knows how i feel because i bring it up a lot so maybe if i back off and let nature take its course then it will happen.

I would be a little frustrated about this. If it's upsetting you to not have a more established timeline, I'd hope he would take that into consideration. I don't really know what "it will happen when it happens" means--it will happen when the two of you decide it will happen!

Of course, if you think that you are able to "stop obsessing" and back off, and you're happy with that, that's fine. But if you aren't happy with that, it's fair to expect more information from him. Just my $.02.

 

[Rhea]

All great advice, thank you.
I have had many conversations with him about it and he tells me it will happen when it happens and that i need to stop obsessing so i guess thats all i can do. He definitely knows how i feel because i bring it up a lot so maybe if i back off and let nature take its course then it will happen.

Thanks again for your input and good luck to all the other LIW

That's hardly fair on you. It leaves all the decisions up to him and doesn't allow you to talk about it when it is your joint future. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know if and when something might happen. Putting it off for too long may just cause you to start doubting if the relationship is right for you. It wouldn't be the first time we've seen it happen on these boards.

 

[Echidna]

All great advice, thank you.
I have had many conversations with him about it and he tells me it will happen when it happens and that i need to stop obsessing so i guess thats all i can do. He definitely knows how i feel because i bring it up a lot so maybe if i back off and let nature take its course then it will happen.

Thanks again for your input and good luck to all the other LIW

That's hardly fair on you. It leaves all the decisions up to him and doesn't allow you to talk about it when it is your joint future. There's nothing wrong with wanting to know if and when something might happen. Putting it off for too long may just cause you to start doubting if the relationship is right for you. It wouldn't be the first time we've seen it happen on these boards.

Totally agree with Addy here; I never think this lack-of-timeline/discussion thing is fair from guys. It's your life too!

I wonder if this is a good time to get busy and preoccupy yourself? He's asked you to back off, so perhaps you do exactly that. If you have no control over how your relationships will play out, what do you have control over right now? Can you set yourself some goals to preoccupy your time? I'm thinking kicking your butt at the gym, being a really great friend to your girlfriends and catching up with them (in NON-wedding-related capacities), devoting time to your hobbies, creating a book club, getting out and meeting new people, reading your top 100 must-read books or getting a new business started. Whatever works as a distraction for you. This has three benefits: it gets you to truly back off the engagement talk (you could be driving BF mad!), makes it very clear to BF that you have other interests going on (how attractive!), and gets you out of that comfortable rut if you decide you're not prepared to wait around any more.