First post: Question re choosing bridesmaids

[newbie124]

Hi all,

This is my first post outside of the RockyTalky forum. Technically, I''m still a LIW (we''re narrowing down the center stone then still have to work on the setting design), but while I''m waiting on the proposal, I''ve been thinking about all sorts of fun wedding planning stuff to get a head start

I actually didn''t ever give much thought to my "ideal" wedding until last year when my BF finally broke it to me that he was ready to talk about the "M" word. As a kid I had more fun planning my "dream house" than a wedding So when I realized that marriage might be on the horizon, I kind of panicked b/c I had no idea where to even begin and what all the protocols were and what order you''re supposed to do stuff in etc.!

I should also preface this by saying that while I''ve attended a few weddings, I haven''t actually been *in* one since I was the flower girl at my aunt''s wedding when I was in 3rd grade (yeah, there''s been a long drought in our family!)

I''ve managed to figure out a good deal by now, but the bridesmaids issue still kind of confuses me. What exactly are the traditional responsibilities of BMs? I know it varies by individuals, but do most people have BMs in order to have help w/ the planning and day of logistics? In which case, would it not make sense to have BMs who do not live near me?

Basically, my situation is that none of the people who I would choose as BMs live in the same state. I''m also torn between just having my sister or my sister and 2 college friends. While I was super close to these 2 friends in school and for a couple years after, we''ve all been pretty busy and recently haven''t been in touch as much as we used to be. However, I''ve been through a lot of ups and downs w/ each of them, so it would still be meaningful for me to have them stand with me.

Also, how is one supposed to ask? I''ve read how other girls have designed special invitations and gifts and written poems, etc. to ask their BMs, which for some reason seems a little over-the-top to me. I know I probably sound naive asking this, but is it not something you can just ask over the phone (especially given that you can''t meet them in person)?

Any guidance would be appreciated!

 

[Stephanie]

Well, first off, hi there!

While I have no idea about the "responsibilities" for bms, I just chose three girls that mean the world to me. Two of the girls I don''t get to talk with on a regular occassion, but (as you said) we have been through a lot in the past years. Now, it might get sticky seeing as to how they don''t live in the same state as I do, but as long as they are there with me on our wedding day, it''s fine by me.

And I just sent each of them a personal note on a blank card. Just some sentiments about why I have chosen them to be a part of that day... Just short and sweet.

 

[newbie124]

Hi Stephanie!

Thanks for sharing. I think the note idea sounds like a good option. Did you mail them to your friends then just wait for them to get in touch w/ you with their responses?

 

[musey]

Welcome to the BIW area!

I am planning to have just my MOH, who lives in upstate new york (while I live in LA). She also has 2 young daughters (who will be our flower girls) and not a lot of cash to throw around. What does this mean for me?

No bridal shower, no bachelorette party, no any other events that tend to go along with the bridal party-ness. I'm pretty sure that I'm ok with that, mostly because my friends and family are so spread out around the country that it would be next to impossible (and quite pricey, on their part) to gather any number of them for a party.

So this is what I'm "expecting" of my MOH, duties-wise:
-Choose her own dress, or make it herself if she wishes
-Get "done up" with me on the day of the wedding
-Stand with me during the ceremony

That's it. Sometimes I feel a little sad that I won't be doing the typical lead-up to the wedding (showers, etc.), so I hope I don't regret it in the long run

As far as asking her, I just sent her a card. I've seen much cuter ideas, though! Cookies with icing notes, mini photo albums of you and that 'maid, etc. Get creative, if you so desire!

 

[bee*]

I''m having my two sisters and D''s sister and I just asked them when we went out to celebrate our engagement. I''m in Ireland so we pay for all of our bm''s items like dress, shoes, hair etc,so the main job of my bm''s is to help plan my hen night, help me with my dress on the day and just generally be there during the lead up and the day of my wedding.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi there,

I hear ya on the 'never thought about' thing re weddings. I never really thought about a dream house either. More like 'my dream travels'...

Anyway, you can do BM's however you want, and to some degree, it's good to tailor it to the girls you ask. So, if your friends are wedding mad and super excited, give them more to do. If they are busy with families and careers, it would be kind of you not to expect too much of them. I'm not having proper BM's. No dresses for them or anything. I just asked some friends if they would hang out and support me on the day. And sometimes I run ideas by them over e-mail. Only one of them lives in the same country as me. It's working fine. My only regret is not having someone to go look at dresses with me as its good to have other opinions. An elderly cousin came along a couple of times, and I have one local friend who is close enough that she has helped out once or twice. But I've only lived here for a couple of years so we're not THAT close and so I don't want to presume on her time. So, if you have anyone near by who is close enough to you that you could ask them to come with you for all those appointments, that would be a good BM to have. But don't choose someone JUST to have someone close by, because it is a lot of time and work for them, so it should be someone who loves you, if you know what I mean.

I think the key thing is to make your hopes and expectations clear. Not in a rude way, so not 'I expect you to do XYZ!!!' but more 'I would love to have someone to run my ideas by, and maybe you could give me a hand with errands just before the wedding'. The idea is, nobody is disappointed or annoyed that way.

 

[newbie124]

Hi IGal,

I think that''s a great approach to take and pretty close in line with what I was thinking for my own wedding. I just didn''t know if there are specific things BMs usually do. But yeah, I don''t think I really have a lot of expectations (especially when compared to those Bridezillas on TV!), but would be nice to have one or two people to run ideas by and help out w/ some things on the day of the wedding. I feel like I should at least ask my sister since I only have one and we''re kind of close. But she''s also not super girly and it can be difficult to get her to do stuff sometimes, so I feel like I kind of need a friend around for additional help and just moral support.

One of my friends is definitely more wedding crazy than the other. In fact, every time I call her I have to preface my conversation by telling her I''m not engaged yet ''cause that''s always her first question! Then again, a lot of her other friends have gotten married recently and she just went through a tough breakup herself, so I don''t want it to be like I''m rubbing it in or making her feel awkward by asking her to be a BM. So I kind of like the idea of asking a couple friends if they wouldn''t mind being there for me on the day of, but not necessarily have to be formal BMs if I choose not to go that route. Or maybe I''ll just let them choose what they''d prefer

 

[Independent Gal]

I think there are traditionally formal duties associated with being a BM - throwing showers and bachelorettes, helping the bride plan, helping her put things together... it all seems to add up to a lot of work! But work that some gals find fun.

I hear ya on the sister thing. I asked my sister to be a ''fake'' co-MOH and she and my best friend will probably process with me (but still, no dress or anything). But so far my sister has shown exactly zilch interest in any of the planning stuff, so I try to leave her alone.

She''s in college and very busy, and, like me, never really thought about weddings. My best friend and the gals I asked to be ''fake'' BM''s, are more helpful, but it''s all pretty low key. I ask them about something maybe once a month or so.

That''s why PS is so great! You can fry your brain on wedding stuff here and talk about it ENDLESSLY without bugging your friends.

 

[Stephanie]

I just mailed the notes to them. The voicemails and phone calls I got were priceless!