First post - very frustrated with waiting

[toolips23]

Hello all. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I have been reading the forums on this site for a while now but this is my first post. My BF and I have been dating for over 2 yrs. We have talked extensively about getting engaged and he told me that we will be before the end of the year. We''ve gone out looking at rings together. He''s told some of my friends of his intentions. However, the important things that need to get done, like telling both our parents and buying a ring have not been done yet. His parents live a few states away and we went to visit them recently and he told me he was going to tell them on that trip but then backed out. I, of course, was very angry and he knew that I was.

I wanted to be involved in the process and not have it be a complete surprise but I am more and more feeling like, "I already know it''s coming, no big surprise, so lets get this show on the road". I am just so anxious and being that I know every detail of everything the more time that passes I feel less and less excitement and more and more anxious.

The other "problem" I am having is that we haven''t talked about the proposal at all because I know that that is something that he wants to do all on his own without any input from me. I am just worried that he is going to do it at a restaurant or a baseball game thinking " oh, she loves baseball" and then I would be so disappointed. I want it to be private and not particularly orchestrated. I just don''t know if he would know that I wouldn''t like to be proposed to at a game. He''s a typical "guy" and I could see him thinking that was a great idea. Or at a romantic restaurant or something like that. They are all lovely of course, just not me.

I feel kinda guilty being so involved, because I feel like I am pressuring him, even though he says I''m not. I just want it to be wonderful and I don''t want to feel like I forced him in any way.

I''m sorry for ranting and thank you for reading. Add me to the list, another anxious LIW

~toolips23

 

[absolut_blonde]

I can totally identify with wanting a private proposal and I think it''s really important that you find a way to tell him that. I would be mortified, not to mention upset, if I were proposed to in public. Not only is it everything I DO NOT want, it would indicate to me that he didn''t know me very well.

Maybe find an indirect way to bring it up -- like if you''re fortunate enough to see a public proposal on TV or in movies (hey, maybe find a movie with one and rent it for this purpose!). You could say ''it''s nice that he went to all of that effort, but I''d much prefer a private, one-on-one proposal. a big showy public thing just isn''t for me, I want it to be more intimate''. Sometimes guys aren''t great at taking hints but in this case, I bet he''ll catch on.

 

[fieryred33143]

Well for starters a big fat welcome!!!!

Now here are my thoughts:

1. Like the proposal, telling his parents is something that he has to do on his own time. I''m not sure if you can understand this, but having you there while the conversation is taking place is insanely awkward. I have known my boyfriend''s parents for four years and they love me (and I them) and I would still feel awkward. It''s not the same convo as announcing an engagement. It''s much more intimate and is really between him and his parents. That said, it doesn''t surprise me that he didnt mention it during your recent trip. And chances are that he won''t mention it until he has the ring.

2. I suffered from the "lets just do it already" feelings as well. And I know you''re anxious...but its going to be so worth it when he does it on his own time. This is your one proposal...you deserve it to be as special as it should be.

3. Ok...I get that you don''t want to tell him how to propose but you can still tell him how not to. I was very clear with my feelings. Like you I would be mortified if in a restaurant or in a ball game.

So all in all, I feel you.

Welcome again

 

[Izzy03]

There are two ways I think you can approach the proposal deal. You can let go and just hope that he does give you your "dream proposal", or you can give an indirect hint. If you decide to give the hint leave it at "wow I would hate to be proposed to like that". I wouldn''t bring it up more than once.

Regardless, try to relax a little. I know the feeling of wanting it to happen already but believe me, you WILL make your relationship miserable if you don''t stop yourself. Good luck and welcome!

 

[choro72]

Welcome!
I agree that your BF probably wants to tell the parents himself. If he says that he will do it, he will do it, so I will leave it up to him.
As for the proposal, I think it''s fair to tell him that you don''t want it anywhere public. I''m sure you''ll find the right time to do it.

Don''t worry about pressuring him. If he says you''re not, then you''re not. Just take your time to think about what you want to say, and come up with a way that''s non threatening.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

First, welcome! You are in good company here!

Your situation echos that of so many LIWs before you who were involved in the ring/proposal process. Sometimes it''s harder to see something coming than it is to have no clue! Perhaps you need to slow your invovlvement down just a little bit. This could help to re-focus your thoughts so you are not driving yourself insane as well as aleviate the feelings you have about pressuring him with your invovlvement.

In regards to the proposal you want to have if you are quick witted enough you''d be surprised just how many opportunities can arise where you see a proposal and you say, "I like that" or "that is so not what I would ever want". For my FFI and I a television commercial showed a man proposing to his GF on a gameshow. I made a face similar to

and he immediately started asking 50 questions about what girls want in their proposals. If you can find a way to get on topic about it I am sure you could sneak in what you want.

A word of caution, however. I once told my FFI that I didn''t want him to propose on a holiday or my birthday because I wanted it to be a random day so it would be a complete surprise. At one point my FFI was trying to get my ring in time for my birthday

His reasoning? "I figured if I did it on a day you told me you didn''t want it to happen on that you would NEVER see it coming." So be careful - you never know if he will try and trick you with your own want/do not wants.

 

[wishful]

I am like you and I do not want a big over the top proposal. My BF is very sweet and romantic so I was worried that he might try to plan something grandiose.
I flat out told him (because I know it''s coming - we are working on the ring) I would DIE if he did something like the "baseball game" proposal.
I also told him he''s not allowed to cry. haha..

 

[bee*]

I was involved in the ring buying process too but I left everything else up to him. Take a step back and let him do his thing, he will do it, especially if he''s already told friends of his intentions.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 7/9/2008 6:04:00 PM
Author: wishful
I also told him he''s not allowed to cry. haha..

LOL

Are you?

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 7/9/2008 6:05:55 PM
Author: bee*
I was involved in the ring buying process too but I left everything else up to him. Take a step back and let him do his thing, he will do it, especially if he's already told friends of his intentions.

Ditto bee. You've been involved in the ring selection and that's great because you'll get a ring you love and will wear everyday. But there are two people involved in a proposal, it's not just all about the woman. And in your post, you only talk about what YOU want. What about what HE wants? Maybe he thinks a baseball game proposal is his "dream proposal" so why not let him do what he wants to do? You cannot control everything and if you're this worked up over controlling the poor guy's proposal, how are you going to handle the wedding planning? What if he wants something you dont? Seriously, let the guy do the proposal however he wants to - it's like the one aspect of getting engaged and getting married that guys can have control over so let it go. Besides, when he asks, you should be so overwhelmed and thrilled that it wont matter where you are.

And re: him telling his parents of his intentions...they're his parents, and he knows them better than you and perhaps he has a reason for waiting to tell them. Or maybe he'd rather tell them after he proposes. He also may not be 100% ready yet and he's working up to being ready. Again, that's his thing, let him do it in his own time.

 

[tessari]

Surfgirl--your post made me laugh bc that is exactly what I think my bf is planning. He is already almost there in terms of saving for the ring itself but now he is saving extra for what he says will be an amazing proposal that he will enjoy too and that will be about both of us. That''s cool with me, it''s a gift for himself too!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 7/9/2008 6:54:11 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 7/9/2008 6:05:55 PM
Author: bee*
I was involved in the ring buying process too but I left everything else up to him. Take a step back and let him do his thing, he will do it, especially if he's already told friends of his intentions.

Ditto bee. You've been involved in the ring selection and that's great because you'll get a ring you love and will wear everyday. But there are two people involved in a proposal, it's not just all about the woman. And in your post, you only talk about what YOU want. What about what HE wants? Maybe he thinks a baseball game proposal is his 'dream proposal' so why not let him do what he wants to do? You cannot control everything and if you're this worked up over controlling the poor guy's proposal, how are you going to handle the wedding planning? What if he wants something you dont? Seriously, let the guy do the proposal however he wants to - it's like the one aspect of getting engaged and getting married that guys can have control over so let it go. Besides, when he asks, you should be so overwhelmed and thrilled that it wont matter where you are.

And re: him telling his parents of his intentions...they're his parents, and he knows them better than you and perhaps he has a reason for waiting to tell them. Or maybe he'd rather tell them after he proposes. He also may not be 100% ready yet and he's working up to being ready. Again, that's his thing, let him do it in his own time.

I agree that a proposal involves two people. But, if it's about the two of them, then why should he propose however he wants to? It is a two way street. I think in this instance, a bit of 'veto power' is totally ok (as it is with a wedding, within reason).

Maybe it's hard to understand if you don't care about public vs private... personally, I really would be upset to receive a public proposal. I will probably cry, for one, which I certainly don't want to do in front of other people (be that friends/family OR strangers). Also, I see it as a very private moment between me and SO. I'm not asking for him to rent a hot air balloon or anything crazy/elaborate, just to keep it between the two of us. I don't think that's unreasonable or controlling.

 

[HollyS]

Welcome to the forum!


I''m afraid I don''t quite know what you are ''anxious'' about.

You are already involved in the process, you know that it is in the works. Can''t you summon just a little patience?

As for the proposal, just let him know that you want it to be personal and private. Tell him to please not make it a public spectacle; and then he won''t.

For goodness sake''s, relax and enjoy the anticipatiion of NOT KNOWING when it might happen. These should be fun days for you, not anxious ones.

 

[mrm]

Surfgirl posted: What about what HE wants? Maybe he thinks a baseball game proposal is his ''dream proposal'' so why not let him do what he wants to do?

While I agree that there are two people involved, my guess is he would be doing it at a baseball game b/c that is what he thinks SHE wants not neccessarily b/c it is his dream way to propose. I, too, would have HATED that even though I love baseball. If you go to games often you''ll probably see one and maybe just comment along the lines "what an unromantic way to propose" or something like that so he gets the picture. Otherwise, if you have a sister, have her tell him ways you would like to propose. If no sister, than a close friend.

Just my opinion ! BTW- I was very involved in the process but the day was still thrilling (even tho it was simple).

 

[KimberlyH]

If you want to be involved, which you already are through designing the ring, but want some element of suprise simply tell him, "I just need you to know I don''t like the idea of a public proposal, so please keep this in mind when plannng." And then let the guy do his thing, because it is his proposal, his engagement, his life too. You''re marrying him for goodness sake, he should have some idea of what makes you happy, sad, embarrassed, etc.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 7/9/2008 10:54:46 PM
Author: KimberlyH
If you want to be involved, which you already are through designing the ring, but want some element of suprise simply tell him, ''I just need you to know I don''t like the idea of a public proposal, so please keep this in mind when plannng.'' And then let the guy do his thing, because it is his proposal, his engagement, his life too. You''re marrying him for goodness sake, he should have some idea of what makes you happy, sad, embarrassed, etc.

Ditto! I actually did tell my fiance that I did not want a public proposal...not in a mean way at all, just in general conversation. If he had wanted a big public proposal and done it that way anyways I wouldn''t have been that upset, though. It''s just one day, you know? Me and my fiance had talked about getting married so many times I feel like the proposal was just a special fun addition, so it would have been fine no matter what.