FMIL and the guest list...

[sap483]

Hey ladies, I need some suggestions on how to approach this slight issue we've been having. We want to limit the guests at our wedding to about 125 for budget reasons. So, we figured we could invite about 150 and expect about 25-30 or so not to come. The wedding is on the 4th of July in a town that's not really local to any of our guests, so I think it's reasonable that about 20% won't show up. So with that being said we told my family and FI's family that they could invite around 50 ppl each- and FI and I would invite about 50 ppl. It's important to note also that my parents are contributing about 60% of the costs and FI and I are paying the remainder. FI's parents are only paying for the rehearsal dinner which they want to restrict to immediate family and the bridal party. Now I honestly don't have a problem with them not contributing. Here is the problem...

FMIL keeps adding ppl to her guest list, which she MUST invite (i.e. FI can't get married without FMIL's best friend from 4th grade who she speaks to once or twice a year there). When she sent me the guest list originally, it said 50 ppl, however she didn't include any of FI's cousins in the count, even though they were listed on the guest list. She said they were children- even though some of them have their own children. So with all of FI's cousins included in the count, plus the additional ppl she has added, her guest list is at 80 ppl. At $285 pp, we cannot afford to pay for 30 extra ppl. I don't think it's fair to ask my parents to remove ppl from their guest list when they are contributing significantly to the wedding. FI and I have tried to trim our guest list, but we cannot reduce it by 30ppl. I asked FI to talk to his mom, which he finally agreed to do, but so far he hasn't "gotten around to it." FI is very non-confrontational and so I don't know if he'll actually talk to her. My thought is, she should either cut ppl from her list or contribute for anyone over the 50 that she was allotted. FI would never ask his parents for a dime though, so he's horrified at my suggestion. All I know is that I will NOT pay an extra $8500 for her extra guests. What should I do? Is there anything I can do?

ETA: Please let me know if you think I'm being unreasonable!

 

[Gypsy]

Non-confrontational doesn''t work with pushy in laws. FI needs a backbone. Sorry, but there it is.

Have him go through her list decide who HE can''t live without, slash the list down to that number, have HIM send it back to her with a note saying that this was the final list from their side, he appreicated the expanded list as it helped him narrow it down to who he thought was vital, but that the guest list is FIRM at 50 people from their side.

No ostriches allowed. No sticking him head in the sand. It''s his wedding and his mother.

 

[Independent Gal]

"No ostriches allowed." ?!?!!? Now, Gypsy, that strikes me as just plain mean.

Seriously, though, your FI must talk to his Mom. It doens't have to be confrontational. She might not understand that the limit is the limit. Once you tell her, she may be quite happy to accept it. But, uh, yeah, 6K is a hefty cost for a lack of backbone. Not to mention the precedent and the disrespect. She may just not 'get it', so someone needs to tell her!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/14/2008 2:06:22 PM
Author: Independent Gal
''No ostriches allowed.'' ?!?!!? Now, Gypsy, that strikes me as just plain mean.

Sorry hon. Excepting present company (and AVs) of course. LOL.

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree with Gypsy and Indy. It''s your FI''s responsibility to talk to her and the sooner, the better. The more time that goes by, the more your FMIL will get used to the idea that her idea of the guest list is okay with all parties involved. That''s quite a big chuck of change. Aside from cutting down the guest list because of money, is there a space issue at your venue that needs to be addressed? Maybe that could be worked into the conversation.

 

[BriBee]

I had sort of a similar situation with my FMIL and I also asked FI to talk to her about it. With us, my parents are basically paying for the whole wedding, FI and I will likely pick up smaller extra costs (tux rentals, invites, gifts etc...) and FI''s family will cover the rehearsal (maybe...?). We aren''t even being as nice as you and giving them a list saying they can invite "x" amount of people. FI and I sat down together and made the list ourselves, and then called the parents to read it to them and see who they felt could be cut, and who could maybe be added. This is where FMIL started asking about all these different people that we don''t really know, but are friends of hers or relatives of her husband (not FI''s dad). In the end I sorta decided to ignore it for a while since we''re having a long engagement. Then, the last few times I''ve seen her, we talk about the wedding and I fill her in on what we''ve decided thus far and have let her know what things are costing and what my parents are paying. I think these little talks have started to sink in and she now realizes how much $$$ my parents are putting out and how little (if any) they are putting out. Now it seems that she''s gotten over the whole guest list thing, and the last time we talked she said that she had only one couple that she REALLY wanted to invite, and I agreed. So, this is how it worked for us. Thankfully I feel comfortable talking to FMIL myself, so I didn''t really have to rely on FI, but I guess it just depends on the relationship you have with your FMIL.

 

[misysu2]

My Fi''s parents did the same. We''d get random emails saying, "Please send an invite to XX. I work with X''s dad and you went to her 8th grade birthday party...here''s the address." Not even asking, just TELLING.

FI sat down with mom and dad and told them that they HAVE to stop talking about the wedding in front of other people or they will invite themselves. In the end, it''s YOUR wedding and YOUR call. FI''s parents aren''t giving us one cent for the reception, so I don''t feel bad at all telling them no.

 

[scm1012]

Wow BriBee -- I love what you''re doing!!! I never even considered not giving the ILs an option as to who to invite for their alotted number of guests.

I like the idea of choosing who is coming from their side myself(based on people I actually know) and then allowing them to "swap" if they have preferences.

 

[cara]

No ostriches allowed. I love it.

FI and you need to talk. His preference for non-confrontation AND for not asking his parents for $$$ sets a really bad precedent and is unfair to you. Basically it eliminates your ability to budget, and his parents'' extra guests come at the expense of either your list, your parents list, or your wallet.

Don''t let him make this decision by default. You need to sit down with him and get him to actively choose the outcome and make sure you both agree it is fair. While normally it is best for each person to handle their own parents, you might need to offer your FI some backup if he really finds dealing with his parents difficult. But by whatever means he finds most tolerable, he needs to take steps to address this.

 

[gtn]

You could mix the suggestions.

Go through the list FMIL sent you guys. Have your FI highlight the guest he want to attend, cross out the people he wouldn''t want to attend and if that doesn''t add up to 50, let them pick the rest of the folks. I think you need to be very frank with the budget since FMIL may not know.

 

[sap483]

Thanks for all of your replies! You''re all absolutely right, he does need to get his head out of the sand. I sometimes feel like he thinks if he just ignores the problem it will go away. He''s the type of guy that just goes silent when he''s upset whereas I''m the type of person that needs to face the issue, find a solution and move on. I''d rather get into a big argument, get it all out in the open whereas he''d rather live with the tension. But anyway, I digress. I will talk to him again about speaking with his parents. I feel like he needs to be the one to talk to them though. They are reasonable people, and I do think that they would most likely understand (especially his dad

). I''m not sure how to go about "making" him call them though- short of dialing their number and handing him the phone.

 

[bee*]

We''re doing the exact same thing as you in terms of numbers-D and I get 50, and my parents and his parents get 50 each also. We haven''t got our guest list drawn up yet but D and I have talked about it so if his mother wants to invite more (chances are she will), we''ve said that she can have as many as she wants as long as she pays for the extra. D has mentioned this to her and she''s happy with this as well.

 

[ringplease]

Wow... this is the post I was about to write until I found this here. I think the bottom like is that the wedding, like it or not, is about the BRIDE AND GROOM, and subsequently, the people who have shared in and will continue to share in their lives and love. It is not about relatives who one never sees or about parents'' friends. I think that somehow, those issues get lost in creating the guest list, especially with parents and it is even more annoying when they are not paying for the wedding. I am still arguing with my fiance about the issue. However, I would encourage you to stick to your guns and told the line as far as the guest list goes. In the end, I don''t want to be at MY wedding in the recieving line looking at 50 people whose names my fiance will have to whisper in my ear...

Sorry to be so blunt! I am all fired up right now!!!