FMIL vent (first one!)

[mimzy]

i was talking with my (wonderful) mother the other day and she asked if we were planning on having a brunch the morning/afternoon after the wedding for immediate family, since i will have two stepbrothers and their wives in from out of town that really have never gotten a chance to meet my FI''s family. I thought it was a great idea, but that we didn''t have any money to do it. She suggested that we just do it at one of our homes and make it potluck. She said that she would happily host it, which i appreciated. however they live an hour away from FI and i and that sounds like the last thing that I am going to want to be doing the first day married (spending that much time in the car). She asked if perhaps my FI''s family would have a problem having it at their place since they live about 15 minutes by bike from me/us - i had no idea so i asked FI about it.

well FI brought it up to his mom and i guess she was really irritated. he didn''t give me a lot of details but the answer was definitely NO and it had something to do with it being put all on her (potluck, remember?). anyhow......i''m not sure why, but it really pissed me off. not even hurt (like a nice girl would probably be), but sort of mad! they had offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner, but haven''t mentioned it since we got engaged four months ago and other than that they haven''t hardly mentioned the wedding at all, much less helped with anything. all they have to do is show up to the wedding in something decent! but no...having the house in decent order is just too much for NEW FAMILY and it can''t possibly be asked of her. did i mention she''s having a 50 person surprise party for FI''s dad in may?

so instead WE are going to host it in our APARTMENT the morning after OUR WEDDING. my mom feels bad and is going to help us out a lot with it, but i''m still really put off by the whole thing. and i guess all i can hope for is that she feels stupid when she seems 18 of us crammed into my apt living room sitting at card tables.

i''m sure she has her reasons. that''s my mantra. thanks for letting me vent!

 

[neatfreak]

Can I ask something? Why do you even need to host a big brunch? If no one else can do it, you don''t have to do it either!

And while it does sound like she totally overreacted here, which I am in no way condoning, I have to admit that I don''t blame her about not wanting to host it the day after the wedding.

But I''m sorry that she hasn''t been more involved with your wedding. And super annoying that she freaked out about it! Should could have just said "no, it is too much for us" and let it drop.

 

[mimzy]

i totally know a brunch isn''t necessary, but it''s just immediate family (parents brothers and sisters and their spouses), so it really isn''t a ''big'' one. i think my real issue is that she has no desire to get to know my family at all (FI''s dad once "jokingly" asked if they really had to come......to the wedding). especially when both sets of my parents have always invited them to family parties and dinners.

and i would totally understand that it might be overwhelming if there were other pressures being put on her.....but there just aren''t. like i said, all she has to do is show up to the wedding. she also has a tendency to play the victim, so it bothers me that she is no doubt telling her friends how i am demanding that she host and bake a fancy brunch for my whole family the day after the wedding

(i haven''t even talked to her about it...FI did).

 

[Clio]

Honestly, while neither her reaction nor her general attitude toward your family are gracious or welcoming, you can hardly fault someone for declining when you ask them to throw a party for you. That is an imposition. I agree with neatfreak, though, that she should have kept to a simple no.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 4/15/2008 10:07:23 PM
Author: Clio
Honestly, while neither her reaction nor her general attitude toward your family are gracious or welcoming, you can hardly fault someone for declining when you ask them to throw a party for you. That is an imposition. I agree with neatfreak, though, that she should have kept to a simple no.

I don''t know, I could fault her for it. Seems pretty selfish to me, really. I mean, it''s her kid''s wedding. She isn''t doing anything but showing up, so I''m not sure why she feels the need to decline the potluck brunch at all, let alone decline rudely.

I guess I''m biased because my mom and dad happily hosted the rehearsal dinner for one of my brother''s weddings at their house, and they''ve hosted two day after brunches for my other two siblings when they got married. They were thrilled to help out and be a part of the weddings. Obviously, my mom was also very excited about the weddings themselves, too, and she helped all three of my siblings plan their weddings. I really do have a great mom and dad!

Sorry about your FMIL...she sounds kind of lame.

 

[KimberlyH]

I understand your hurt, because I''m sure you think "My family is great, who wouldn''t want to get to know them?" But part of merging of lives as spouses is understanding and respecting that your parents may have totally different ideas about what the word "family" means. You consider your families to be merging through this marriage but her perspective (I''m not sure if it was you or her who used the phrase "new family") may be very different. To her these people you wanted her to host a party for are, and may always be, acquaintances at most, not family. So hosting a brunch, even if it''s a potluck, for a group of people she views as her son''s wife''s family (wow, are my apostrophes in the correct places?) may be very uncomfortable, and she was honest about it. Would it have been gracious of her, absolutely, but is it worthy of upset or a fight, not at all. If it''s important to you and your mom, you and your mom should be the hosts.

 

[CJ2008]

I have to agree with thing2of2 here. It''s an event surrounding your wedding, a time when maybe she could go out of her way a little more? That is NOT to say I couldn''t understand the idea of her not wanting to have something/people at her house. Which, under normal circumstances I might kind of understand (I could totally hear myself saying those kinds of things, I''m not a big fan of people in my house) but it''s your wedding brunch, a special occasion. Plus, it isn''t without reason that you guys are asking. I bet you it''s more a thing of "why aren''t her parents doing it kind of thing, it''s her family". Even if she didn''t want to do it for you, you''d think she''d bend a little and do it for her son.

 

[mimzy]

thanks everyone for your responses. I''m sure that part of the reason that i am mad about it is because i know that FI is mad about it ("it''s my freaking wedding, can''t you do one thing?" - FI). I guess i am also bothered by the fact that she feigns a certain graciousness and hospitality about it and then reacts like this ("let me know if there is ANYTHING i can do for you!!"). i guess i should have seen it coming because her and her husband are sort of seclusionists. I think disappointment is a big part of it to, for both FI and i. when my mom asked about it my first response was no way, but then when i mentioned it to FI he thought it was a great idea and that there would be no problem at all with it (by the way, when he asked he did ask for ''him'', not me and my mom).

but i guess that''s just the way it is, and if she has no desire to get to know my family then she''s going to be the only one uncomfortable at future thanksgiving dinners. and i think (know) that there are deeper issues that are playing in here, i just wish that she could have set them aside for one day for her son.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 4/16/2008 8:10:51 AM
Author: mimzy
thanks everyone for your responses. I''m sure that part of the reason that i am mad about it is because i know that FI is mad about it (''it''s my freaking wedding, can''t you do one thing?'' - FI). I guess i am also bothered by the fact that she feigns a certain graciousness and hospitality about it and then reacts like this (''let me know if there is ANYTHING i can do for you!!''). i guess i should have seen it coming because her and her husband are sort of seclusionists. I think disappointment is a big part of it to, for both FI and i. when my mom asked about it my first response was no way, but then when i mentioned it to FI he thought it was a great idea and that there would be no problem at all with it (by the way, when he asked he did ask for ''him'', not me and my mom).

but i guess that''s just the way it is, and if she has no desire to get to know my family then she''s going to be the only one uncomfortable at future thanksgiving dinners. and i think (know) that there are deeper issues that are playing in here, i just wish that she could have set them aside for one day for her son.

I hear you, Mimzy! It''s exactly the same thing for me. It''s pretty sad for our FIs, really. It really sucks that their parents aren''t willing to lift a finger for such an important event in their lives. The "let me know if there''s anything I can do" thing puzzles me the most. FI''s mom wanted us to have an engagement party (which she then refused to attend), she wanted us to have the full-blown wedding, now she wants to have a morning-after brunch (sorry, but we''re off to our mini-moon as soon as the wedding is over), the works... But she won''t help with anything (FI''s parents are not taking care of the rehearsal dinner either). So why pretend she wants to help if she''s really not interested?

 

[scm1012]

If your ILs haven''t participated thus far...I''m totally not surprised they don''t want to host a breakfast. But now I read that you want to organize your brunch for your immediate family to get to know FIs. Why? Honestly, why are you so dead set on your siblings and spouses hitting it off with your FI''s family? They only person they need to get along with is your husband to be. Trust me, unless your families are already friends, chances are, after the wedding there will be little to no contact between them.

In a dream world, it would be great if all combining families could be the best of friends but things aren''t like that nowadays.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 4/16/2008 3:46:01 PM
Author: scm1012
If your ILs haven't participated thus far...I'm totally not surprised they don't want to host a breakfast. But now I read that you want to organize your brunch for your immediate family to get to know FIs. Why? Honestly, why are you so dead set on your siblings and spouses hitting it off with your FI's family? They only person they need to get along with is your husband to be. Trust me, unless your families are already friends, chances are, after the wedding there will be little to no contact between them.


In a dream world, it would be great if all combining families could be the best of friends but things aren't like that nowadays.

well FI is extremely close with his family, which includes his brother and his sister, and he intends on staying close with them (all of them). that means holiday dinners, etc they will be involved. i am equally close with my family and i don't intend on that changing either, and i know our parents dont' want want that changing either. so that means that they WILL have contact with each other - it would be impractical to try to rotate important days between three families, especially if they are living in close proximity to each other like now. i did it between two growing up and it sucked. so in fact they DO need to at least get along, unless they plan on turning down christmas eve invitations in the future based on the fact that they don't like my family (which they have no reason to, and i'm not saying that's the reason why she declined hosting the breakfast). they've spent time with my family before and have never hinted that they don't like them.

also just straight up family is important to us - my family is important to him and his is important to me. and his siblings have never even met some of mine! i don't consider myself "dead set" on making them be best friends - i just would like them to have the opportunity to spend some time and get to know each other just a little bit while it is possible (i.e. they are in town).

eta - it's only FI's parents that are like this, not his siblings at all.

 

[scm1012]

mimzy -- sorry if i made it seem as if your hopes for your families getting along was a lofty idea. I think your intention is wonderful.
Honestly, it just seems as though you''re placing way too much expectation on this one meal that truly doesn''t matter. Once you are married and as a married couple begin to host family dinners and special occasions....the ones who want to participate will and they will learn to get along organically...or maybe they won''t. The point is, the ones who want to be involved with the two of you as a couple will learn to accept the other spouses relatives.

I really doubt your MIL doesn''t want to host a brunch to be spiteful. I imagine being in her shoes and the day after my son''s wedding I wouldn''t want to host a potluck at my house because my new daugher-in-law wants our family and her family to get to know one another. It seems so forced. If you hosted in your apartment, that would definitely make more sense.

Anyway, sorry if you don''t like my opinion.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 4/16/2008 4:32:11 PM
Author: scm1012
mimzy -- sorry if i made it seem as if your hopes for your families getting along was a lofty idea. I think your intention is wonderful.

Honestly, it just seems as though you're placing way too much expectation on this one meal that truly doesn't matter. Once you are married and as a married couple begin to host family dinners and special occasions....the ones who want to participate will and they will learn to get along organically...or maybe they won't. The point is, the ones who want to be involved with the two of you as a couple will learn to accept the other spouses relatives.


I really doubt your MIL doesn't want to host a brunch to be spiteful. I imagine being in her shoes and the day after my son's wedding I wouldn't want to host a potluck at my house because my new daugher-in-law wants our family and her family to get to know one another. It seems so forced. If you hosted in your apartment, that would definitely make more sense.


Anyway, sorry if you don't like my opinion.

no no no i appreciate your opinion for sure. i just wanted to make a few other things clear, that's all. i get what you are saying about it sounding 'forced', but it would be the same thing if my parents hosted it and that doesn't seem all that forced. and it really isn't just me, FI wants to have it too for the same reason, which is just to spend time with one another (meet new people and talk more with those that have already met). it's not like it would be a formal thing at all - they will have obviously met at the rehearsal dinner. it's just a get together that i think would be nice....and that's it (i'm not staking our future on it!). some time to breathe deep and relax and laugh it all off together

oh and to answer what you said in your first post about not being surprised that they wouldn't want to have it at their house - you're right. it's just that FI gets concerned that i'm leaving his parents out of the whole planning thing (which is a total catch 22), and that their feelings would be hurt by the end of it all, so this was an easy way to include them a little more (they are EXTREMELY sensitive). (for example, i didn't want to leave his mom out of my dress buying experience because, so under FI's advice i invited her to come see it when i went to buy it with FI's sister, my sister and my mom. she came, but she made the whole thing sound like such an inconvenience and made it pretty clear that she didn't want to go...even though i told her she shouldn't feel pressure to).

i guess the lesson has been learned!

oh and anchor - i have no idea! i think that they must have serious issues letting go of their sons...

 

[Elmorton]

Can I suggest something instead of your apt? After our wedding, the budget was TAPPED - all the parents had spent pretty much all they could/were willing to offer. We did brunch at the hotel, and I forget how we worded it in our welcome baskets, but it was clear that we'd be down in that area of the hotel if anyone wanted to join us - ie, we weren't paying. I think my parents did pay for a few members of our wedding party who rolled out of bed to be there and my grandparents, but it was a cool way to be able to spend a little extra time with family AND everyone just paid for themselves. Stress was on no one.

My SMIL initially offered to host a brunch, but then I never heard more about it, so I didn't press it because I needed them for other things and didn't want to seem demanding. My parents are (sometimes a little too-) good at reminding me that the wedding stress was not only on me, but on all of the parents, for reasons I wasn't always cognitive of. Considering DH and I planned the entire thing on our own, this was often a very difficult idea to stomach, but in hindsight, I do understand how emotionally taxing the wedding was for all involved - especially since none of our parents are really the social butterfly type. While your MIL2b could have been a bit kinder, I would consider having guests over the night after my year's biggest party to be a major imposition as well - I really wouldn't get upset on this one.

And in regard to paying for the rehearsal dinner - sometimes you just need to bring things up (gently) again if you want action. They're probably waiting for a cue from the two of you. I don't think anyone in our families realized how all of the little details and the big ones have to be booked/paid for WELL in advance. None of our parents had weddings like that, so they were pretty out of touch with our plans, etc.

Also, sometimes there will be lash-outs that you don't understand because you're not getting the whole picture. My SMIL had me in tears a week before the wedding because she sent me a lashing-out e-mail about how she "spent a LOT of time figuring out tables for her guests, so why couldn't I simply follow directions?" - somehow assuming that table assignments for the other 100 people at our wedding was easy and that I hadn't been trying to solve that puzzle for the last few DAYS. When she finally apologized, she also explained that my FIL had been in the emergency room the evening prior. Clearly, my feelings weren't really her priority when she sent that e-mail, and I understood. I let it go. There's no point in getting upset about that stuff.

 

[lliang_chi]

mimzy,

Sorry about the FMIL blow up. I agree with the casual brunch idea. Everyone can still come down and you all can enjoy yourselves. Very relaxing all around.

Another idea, maybe you guys can do a BBQ/cook out at a public park or something. All you''ll need is to find a park. Burgers/hot dogs etc are cheap compared to fancy eggs etc. Of course disregard if you''re getting married in the winter when it''s cold or something. But that''s just a thought. Hope everything goes well for you.

 

[mimzy]

elmorton - that''s a great idea and that''s what has happened at every other wedding i''ve been to. un/fortunately we are coming home after the reception and our families are all returning to their respective homes as well - no hotel block for us! as long as we didn''t have to rent a space, the brunch wouldn''t cost anyone anything really - just whatever was in the cupboards and maybe an extra loaf of bread for toast. nothing fancy or catered. and you''re right - i''m sure there are other issues at play; she''s got a lot of issues herself in respect to her kids and family and outsiders and i''m almost positive the real reason she doesn''t want to do it is a rather neurotic one that only she knows. with that said, I think i''ll let FI decide when would be a good time to bring up the RD again...

lliang chi - i would love to be able to do that (we live right next door to a great park!) but we''re getting married in december, so i have a feeling that wouldn''t go over so well