FMIL Vent

[JerseyGrl81]

Yesterday was my bridal shower, I had a great time and everyone was so generous. My mom paid for the shower and my bridesmaids handled all the details. It was a great time. My FMIL on the other hand stirred up some trouble. She went up the my MOH before the shower started and said " I am disappointed in you. I thought you of all people would have called me to ask to contribute. I would have paid for the flowers or favors. I feel like I am just a guest at this shower." My MOH was very hurt and told her that she didn''t feel comfortable calling her and asking for anything.

I am shocked that my FMIL had the nerve to do that- if she wanted to contribute shouldn''t she have called them? I sent out an email to my BMs, my mom and my fiance''s mom with everyone''s email and phone number months ago, so I know if she really wanted to contribute she could have contacted them. My mom called her before she even booked the shower to ask if the date my mom was thinking of was okay for her. My FMIL then called her whole family to check with them before okaying the date. She had the plenty of opportunities to say she wanted to contribute- before the morning of the shower. Then when I was opening the gift from her she made a nasty comment to me in front of everyone. I said that my fiance loved using the central vac she got us and her response was "Well at least one of you is organized!" She just called our house and I didn''t want to answer the phone, do you girls have any advice what I should say to her?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I actually thought the mothers of the bride and groom were not supposed to give the shower. So it wouldn''t have crossed my mind to ask the mothers for money!

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Date: 6/7/2009 12:34:25 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I actually thought the mothers of the bride and groom were not supposed to give the shower. So it wouldn''t have crossed my mind to ask the mothers for money!

Exactly- the reason my mom paid for it was because we are having a destination wedding and the bridesmaids are paying for their cruise, so she didn''t want them to have to pay for the shower on top of that. On the invites my mom put that the shower was hosted by the names of my bridesmaids.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

That is understandable. Did the FMIL know your mom paid for it? That is THE only reason I can think of that she would have said that.

 

[JSM]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this!

It seems so weird to me that your FMIL wanted to be asked for contributions. In my view, asking for money is the epitome of rudeness! I was raised to accept offers of assistance, but NEVER solicit. Your poor MOH!

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Date: 6/7/2009 1:44:45 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
That is understandable. Did the FMIL know your mom paid for it? That is THE only reason I can think of that she would have said that.

She did know that my mom was paying for it. That''s why I think her questioning should have been directed at my mom, not my MOH. I just feel bad for my MOH- she was very upset that she got "spoken" to by my FMIL. At least now when I went to my MOH about my FMIL she will understand where I am coming from, having experienced her wrath first hand!

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Date: 6/7/2009 2:07:31 PM
Author: jsm
I''m sorry you have to deal with this!

It seems so weird to me that your FMIL wanted to be asked for contributions. In my view, asking for money is the epitome of rudeness! I was raised to accept offers of assistance, but NEVER solicit. Your poor MOH!

Thank you. I agree why would my FMIL have expected my MOH to ask her for money? I think my FMIL might have been feeling guilty that she did contribute- so she decided to put the guilt on my MOH instead?
My bridesmaids also put an insert with the invites asking for people to email them their favorite recipes to make a book for me (it was really nice!) When my fiance and I were going through it yesterday we noticed there wasn''t a recipe from his mom in there. He asked her why not and she said she didn''t get the insert and neither did some of her friends. I know that isn''t true, since they triple checked that everything was in each invite. She just likes to cause trouble!

 

[Clairitek]

I''m sorry that your MOH had to deal with your FMIL. If she was upset about not being included she could have certainly picked a better time and place to express her feelings.

The recipe book idea is really great. I''m going to file that one away for the shower I''ll be planning soon for my friend.

Date: 6/7/2009 12:34:25 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I actually thought the mothers of the bride and groom were not supposed to give the shower. So it wouldn''t have crossed my mind to ask the mothers for money!

Sorry for a mini threadjack here but I just want to point out that there are plenty of situations where the bridal party cannot cover all the costs of a shower, especially if other people (mother of bride or groom) have certain ideas (sometimes expensive ones) about how the shower should be. I understand that traditionally a shower is a gift from the bridal party (and some think that it should specifically be the MOH) but sometimes that isn''t always possible and mothers or other relatives might chip in to help give a nicer shower than the bridal party could have afforded otherwise.

 

[brendaman]

BOUNDARIES! You need to establish the boundaries. I have and still am subjected by nasty comments from FI''s family, and we''ve been together for 10 years! We are just now starting to set the boundaries.

When they hurt me by some comment, I tell them that was hurtful. They then say I was being too sensitive, but I just stand firm and say, "I wish I had a thicker skin, but that comment was just hurtful to me, and knowing this, I would appreciate it if you respected the way your comments make me feel." I think that it is really up to your FI to establish the boundaries, but he may not always be there when FMIL gives her digs. Also, when your FMIL says something to your MOH or Mother, they can''t really deal with it as it would be up to you, and mostly your FI to deal with it.

With regard to the shower, it could be that it just didn''t occur to your FMIL that she could have been the proactive person and take the steps to give her contribution to the shower. Instead, it was just easier to blame other people for the reason she was NOT able to participate fully in the shower. This is her opinion, and no one has yet told her what she should have done and that if she didn''t contribute, no one would think less of it, but her blaming the MOH is making others think less of her! Don''t play into her hands by assigning blame on who did what and what should have been done. Discussion boundaries has to be done in a forward looking matter. Say your piece and ask them to respect your opinion. This most likely has nothing to do with you, but more with her losing control over her son and the status quo dynamic that was in her family. When she makes cracks about the central vac, you might want to say, "now, I know you didn''t mean to insult me, but I must tell you again, that was a hurtful comment." It''s tough, of course, to say this in front of everyone, but she just put in a dig on you, but unless you tell her that she''s crossed the line and has become hurtful (again), what''s to prevent her from doing it again and escalating the hurtful comments?

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 6/7/2009 2:52:02 PM
Author: Clairitek
I''m sorry that your MOH had to deal with your FMIL. If she was upset about not being included she could have certainly picked a better time and place to express her feelings.


The recipe book idea is really great. I''m going to file that one away for the shower I''ll be planning soon for my friend.

Date: 6/7/2009 12:34:25 PM

Author: diamondseeker2006

I actually thought the mothers of the bride and groom were not supposed to give the shower. So it wouldn''t have crossed my mind to ask the mothers for money!

Sorry for a mini threadjack here but I just want to point out that there are plenty of situations where the bridal party cannot cover all the costs of a shower, especially if other people (mother of bride or groom) have certain ideas (sometimes expensive ones) about how the shower should be. I understand that traditionally a shower is a gift from the bridal party (and some think that it should specifically be the MOH) but sometimes that isn''t always possible and mothers or other relatives might chip in to help give a nicer shower than the bridal party could have afforded otherwise.

Just wanted to ditto you, especially your mini-threadjack. My Mother and Grandmother held a bridal shower luncheon at one of my favorite restaurants for the bridal party and close friends. None of my bridal party cared (except MOH which is of course my Mom) or was interested in planning a shower and none of my friends thought of it or had the funds if they did and everyone else assumed the bridal party was throwing one so they did not inquire about it. So..if my Mother and Grandmother did not hold one, I wouldn''t have had one..period. And I did want one..I always thought I''d have one..it''s one of those given things that goes with a wedding in my family and social circle. So was it traditional or technically correct? No. But did everyone have a great time? Yes. And the second one is all that matters to me.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Sorry to hear about this Jersey! Have you read Ally''s thread on FMIL relationships? You can come commiserate with us, unfortunately. I feel your pain! Big HUGS!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You have my sympathies. I feel like her passive aggressiveness will get worse if and when you guys decide to have kids (from experience). Set up boundaries NOW and get your FI on your side.

 

[Haven]

I think parents of the bride and groom often feel very sensitive about being "left out" of wedding activities, even if it isn''t really the truth. While your FMIL''s comment was certainly uncalled for (who asks for money, ever?!) I would just think of it as her way of expressing that she felt left out. It doesn''t seem like a malicious thing at all, to me, anyway.

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Date: 6/7/2009 3:00:38 PM
Author: brendaman
BOUNDARIES! You need to establish the boundaries. I have and still am subjected by nasty comments from FI''s family, and we''ve been together for 10 years! We are just now starting to set the boundaries.

When they hurt me by some comment, I tell them that was hurtful. They then say I was being too sensitive, but I just stand firm and say, ''I wish I had a thicker skin, but that comment was just hurtful to me, and knowing this, I would appreciate it if you respected the way your comments make me feel.'' I think that it is really up to your FI to establish the boundaries, but he may not always be there when FMIL gives her digs. Also, when your FMIL says something to your MOH or Mother, they can''t really deal with it as it would be up to you, and mostly your FI to deal with it.

With regard to the shower, it could be that it just didn''t occur to your FMIL that she could have been the proactive person and take the steps to give her contribution to the shower. Instead, it was just easier to blame other people for the reason she was NOT able to participate fully in the shower. This is her opinion, and no one has yet told her what she should have done and that if she didn''t contribute, no one would think less of it, but her blaming the MOH is making others think less of her! Don''t play into her hands by assigning blame on who did what and what should have been done. Discussion boundaries has to be done in a forward looking matter. Say your piece and ask them to respect your opinion. This most likely has nothing to do with you, but more with her losing control over her son and the status quo dynamic that was in her family. When she makes cracks about the central vac, you might want to say, ''now, I know you didn''t mean to insult me, but I must tell you again, that was a hurtful comment.'' It''s tough, of course, to say this in front of everyone, but she just put in a dig on you, but unless you tell her that she''s crossed the line and has become hurtful (again), what''s to prevent her from doing it again and escalating the hurtful comments?

This is some really good advice. Thank you. I really like what you respond when you are called to sensitive. That has happened to me before. Next time it does I will say what you say!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Ditto brendaman -- set boundaires NOW. IMHO, your FMIL is testing the waters with her comments, and if no one calls her out on it, she will think this is perfectly normal, eventually escalating her comments.

While this is still fresh, why don''t you and FI sit her down and have a chat with her. Tell her that her behavior at your shower was hurtful and inappropriate, and make sure she calls MOH and *apologizes* for being rude. In general when she directs thinly veiled insults at you, you can do two things: a) pretend you didn''t hear her, and ask her to repeat herself in hopes that once she has a few extra seconds to think about what she''s saying, she''ll realize it''s inappropriate, and say nevermind; or b) could be used if option a is not successful, tell your you aren''t sure what she means, and could she please elaborate. Again this is so she has another chance to think. If a and b don''t work, option c is to call her on it directly the way brendaman suggested. Also, make sure that your FI makes it crystal clear to her that hurtful comments towards his future/wife will not be tolerated.

It really bugs me how she''s blaming others for not asking her to contribute. Puhleeez. She''s a grown woman who has your mother''s phone number. If she really wanted to contribute she would have called and asked if she can help out with the shower. She didn''t do that, and is trying to ruin everyone else''s mood. Don''t let her.

Your FMIL sounds a lot like my MIL, who cause a *scene* at my wedding, ripped into my mother for no reason complete with yelling and tears. Luckily FIL was close by and pulled her away. Just in case, have someone on "MIL watch" who can quickly diffuse any negative situation she will likely cause.

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Thank you everyone for your tips and sympathy!

Thanks Brooklyngrl. Your tips are really helpful. They will make her rethink what she is saying- without me going to her level and looking bad.

Brendaman- I told my fiance how yesterday his mom made a comment when I was cleaning that we should get him to watch me- since he may never see it. (Which is so untrue! I am very neat!) And he told me I was being too sensitive. So I said well that is the way I am and if your mother knows that she should be considerate of my feelings. He later called his mom and told her how I was cleaning the house with our new gifts

I should also mention that we have been together for 8 years- so she should know me well enough by now!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Jersey, it's good that your FI sort of tried to tell his mom that you are cleaning with the new gifts, but whether you do or do not clean is not the point. When your FI told her that you are cleaning, yes, he's saying her perception is wrong, but it still comes off as you needing her approval, and that you care what she thinks.

The truth is that it doesn't matter what she thinks you do, and you don't need her approval. You aren't too sensitive because her comments are just plain rude, and disrespectful. Think about it, would she comment to any other adult woman on her lack of cleaning, or any of the other things that she's commented on? I hope the answer to that question is NO.

She is only making those comments because she thinks it's her right to do so, and she knows you won't say anything to her "out of respect." She may be your MIL, but she isn't your mother, and shouldn't treat you as if you are beneath her somehow. Perhaps FI and you can have a frank conversation with her, where you make her understand that you are on the same level, and that you will interact with her just like any other adult?

Good luck!

 

[bee*]

It probably didn''t occur to her beforehand, but I''m not sure why she blamed your MOH. It really annoys me when people do that. I''d probably say it to her before she forgets having said it!

 

[brendaman]

Date: 6/7/2009 10:39:03 PM
Author: JerseyGrl81
Thank you everyone for your tips and sympathy!

Thanks Brooklyngrl. Your tips are really helpful. They will make her rethink what she is saying- without me going to her level and looking bad.

Brendaman- I told my fiance how yesterday his mom made a comment when I was cleaning that we should get him to watch me- since he may never see it. (Which is so untrue! I am very neat!) And he told me I was being too sensitive. So I said well that is the way I am and if your mother knows that she should be considerate of my feelings. He later called his mom and told her how I was cleaning the house with our new gifts

I should also mention that we have been together for 8 years- so she should know me well enough by now!

BRAVO! Way to start drawing the boundaries! This was the perfect model of the way to do it. Work with FI first and once you have him seeing how you feel, then he will start drawing the boundaries with your FMIL! Did I say, BRAVO?!!

 

[Kelli]

I would never have thought to call my fiancee''s mother and ask her to contribute, or have my BMs do it either. And her nasty comment about the central vac was just uncalled for. I wouldn''t do anything about it though, other than ignore it.

Answer the phone when you''re not angry anymore, and try to get past it, because you can''t change the way she behaves.