Follow up with Guest X - Vent!

[Mayflower25]

First of all, let me thank all of the PSers who took the time to respond to my guest etiquette dilemma. Your replies were very thoughtful, and certainly helped me gain perspective on the situation. I''m happy to know I can always come to PS for good advice!

Well, I''m posting again to update you on all the drama that has ensued since my last meeting with X. Let me assure you that I was completely calm throughout the exchange described below. It''s not in my nature to raise my voice or be angry with my friends, but I can be honest with some sugarcoating when needed.

X did not text or call me since our hangout session last week. Over the weekend, I decided to test out the waters and send her a couple friendly "Hi, how are you?" texts, and the responses were cold and short. Fine. Tuesday (today) rolls around and I decide to send her another text, this time more direct stating "So what''s going on? Are you not talking to me now?". X indicated that she didn''t want to "talk about this" via text, so I let her know she could call me when she was ready to discuss.

It didn''t take X very long to give me a call this same morning. She reiterated all of her points that D SHOULD have been invited as her date, and even if they weren''t together at the time of the wedding she should be ENTITLED to bring a date. I told her that was beside the point, and that FI and myself are having a small wedding with close friends and family only - no casual dates or unknown guests. This is not news to her, but she decided to roll with it. She said that if she couldn''t bring D then she didn''t feel comfortable coming to the wedding. I replied that I''m very sorry she feels that way, but that it is her decision to not attend. At one point she even suggested that she and D share ONE dinner to cut costs. My reponse is that was an impossible solution, and that it was beside the point of FI''s and my decision. I was not going to budge. I also told her that she is the only one causing a commotion about the no guest rule, and that I would appreciate her being a GOOD FRIEND by respecting FI and I in our decision. I even went as far as to say that etiquette does not dictate that I invite her with a guest, and that this discussion should not even be happening.

It gets even better:

- When it came down to using budget as a reason for our decision to cut "and guest" for our friends, she began to criticize the way I am spending my money for the wedding. I cut her off and told her it was completely inappropriate for her to comment on the way I spend my money. That FI and I are putting together a nice party for our guests, and the details of that are NONE of her business.

- She kept bringing up how "her feelings were hurt" etc, until finally I said "You know what hurt my feelings? That you got drunk the night before my bachelorette party, was hungover the next day and showed up one hour late for dinner, and then left early because you weren''t feeling well." When I called her out on that, she didn''t have any response. I don''t think X is used to having people tell it to her straight.

- She had the gall to question FI''s and my frienship of one of my oldest/closest friends and his girlfriend of 3 years. I felt that was far-reaching and very insulting that she was trying to qualify my guests.

- During lunch time X called me again and said "I think I''ve come up with a solution. D and I will come to your wedding ceremony only and not attend the reception". I was stunned by the proposal, but let her know it was a bit odd, but I wasn''t going to stop her from doing that since the church ceremony is open to the public. Her reason was that she wanted to "include" D. She then told me to think about it and call her back. I thought that was the strangest thing anyone has ever said to me. Why on earth would she want to bring D to a wedding that he wasn''t invited to in the first place?!

Conclusion: I have none yet, but that I don''t think X should attend any further wedding activities. I have a strong feeling she''ll be bringing this up for the next six weeks up until my wedding (she''s pulling a similar fiasco at her other friend''s upcoming wedding).

So, ladies (and gentlemen), what are your thoughts? How shall I go about handling X from this point forward? Have you had to deal with a similiar situation?

 

[kama_s]

I just read through your first thread, and I think you handled the situation well. I would tell her she''s more than welcome to attend the ceremony with her bf and you''re sorry she wont be able to make it to the reception and leave it at that.

I probably wouldn''t indulge in any other conversation on this topic with her henceforth. She''s acting highly immature, and I have zero tolerence for that.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, Guest X is acting crazy. Seriously cuckoo. I don''t have any great advice but I am impressed that you''re handling her so well. I probably would have told her off by now!

 

[rhbgirl24]

Date: 6/2/2009 10:02:50 PM
Author: kama_s
I just read through your first thread, and I think you handled the situation well. I would tell her she''s more than welcome to attend the ceremony with her bf and you''re sorry she wont be able to make it to the reception and leave it at that.


I probably wouldn''t indulge in any other conversation on this topic with her henceforth. She''s acting highly immature, and I have zero tolerence for that.

DITTO! Completely!

 

[House Cat]

She sounds like she is desperate. Some of the analysis of her relationship on your previous post sounds dead on and now she is trying to PROVE to everyone that she is indeed in a valid relationship!


I think I would be done with this "friendship." I don''t have time for this kind of personality in my life. She is utterly selfish. Here you are getting married, one of the happiest times in your life and she is creating DRAMA because her cruddy boyfriend can''t attend? A good friend would be happy to share in this wonderful, beautiful day with you. She wouldn''t care about who is coming with her, especially to the extent of criticizing you. She isn''t a friend.

 

[meresal]

Wow, you handled that really well. I''m kind of a conspiracy theorist, but I wonder if she''s expecting a last minute, "Ohh, just come on over to the reception" after the ceremony is over.

I have no idea how I would respond to her "offer".

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 6/3/2009 10:05:22 AM
Author: meresal
Wow, you handled that really well. I''m kind of a conspiracy theorist, but I wonder if she''s expecting a last minute, ''Ohh, just come on over to the reception'' after the ceremony is over.

My thoughts exactly.

I hope this girl comes to her senses.

 

[lliang_chi]

Well handled MayFlower. X sounds really weird.

 

[Sparkalicious]

Date: 6/3/2009 10:41:21 AM
Author: Clairitek

Date: 6/3/2009 10:05:22 AM
Author: meresal
Wow, you handled that really well. I''m kind of a conspiracy theorist, but I wonder if she''s expecting a last minute, ''Ohh, just come on over to the reception'' after the ceremony is over.

My thoughts exactly.

I hope this girl comes to her senses.

Another ditto. Also - as suggested by kama - I wouldn''t indulge her further either. You''ve been clear with your expectations. No further conversation/discussion required.

By the way - good for you for having the patience to deal with this and for trying to continue being considerate of your friend although she is obviously self-involved.

 

[Porridge]

Very well handled. You''re not giving in to any of her drama. Well done!

 

[NakedFinger]

Sorry I don't hang out in BWW that much so I missed your previous post. However, I am a wedding planner and the correct etiquette does not suggest that she is "entitled" to bring a guest, nor should she expect to be allowed to bring one.

If you are not going to extend a "plus one" to every single guest (which to be honest, I hate because then you have people show up with some random guy they met at a bar just to have someone, or even worse, I have actually seen girls bring a friend thats a girl! Like, seriously?? Anyways...) that the proper etiquette is that you invite guests to those that are in a serious enough situation that "the guest would feel out of place or uncomfortable without them there", so someone who is married, engaged, living together, or in a long committed relationship.

X clearly is not in a "serious" relationship, because her status could change about 5 times again prior to the wedding. And you are correct in your sentiment that AT THE TIME THE INVITATIONS WENT OUT, she was not with D. Likewise, if it was another friend, and they started dating someone just before the wedding, they couldn't expect you "add their bf on".

Anyways, regarding the situation currently, technically you cant "refuse" him into the ceremony if its public (i.e.: church or temple, park, etc), however I definitely wouldn't encourage it. Here is what I see happening: 1) he/she cause problems at the ceremony, because is still pissy he wasn't invited and 2) she tries to pull "well he's here already so....." and tries to get you to allow him into the reception. I've seen it happen a lot and it happened at my brothers wedding. Some people that my brother didn't invite showed up at the ceremony, found out where the reception was from other guests, and showed up at the reception (with a date mind you!). yeah SOOO not cool and very tacky, and since X clearly has no tact whatsoever, I wouldn't put it past her to do the same. I could see her just telling D to come to the ceremony and say "if I show up with you at dinner, what is she going to say? Leave?"

My suggestion to you is to appoint your wedding planner/catering manager/or friend as a "look out". Give them a picture of him with instructions to discretely escort him out (with force if necessary) if he shows up. It may not have to be enforced, but I could see these people causing problems and its better to be safe than sorry.

 

[Mayflower25]

Wooo!!!!

Thank you all for your replies. I think you''re right, I need to drop this girl immediately. Anyone that would create selfish drama about themselves over this is not worth my time. The next time she brings up the subject and argues with me (and she will!), I think I might just have to tell her it would be best if she didn''t attend the wedding at all. I hate for confrontation to be brought about in this manner, but my problems with this "friendship" reach far beyond the issue of bringing a date.

RANT

:
I actually got to thinking about how self-involved and petty she is, and realized how little her friendship has to offer me. I''ve felt like I''ve been doing her a favor by being her friend for the past few years and supporting her in a positive direction, despite the fact that we''re polar opposites and have ZERO in common. I have to accept that she''s 24 years old, and there''s a strong chance she''s stuck in her ways. I refuse to be an enabler to her bad behavior. She''s been excessively needy (calls me 3-4x/day during work hours and late at night!), ill-mannered (rubbed all of my friends and family the WRONG way) and lacks any moral structure that I can agree with (whatever X wants, X will get). I''m tired of her using me as a platform to move up in life. X has small moments of redemption from times, and that''s what has kept my end alive, but its really not enough. I''m most definitely moving on.

 

[SapphireLover]

Is this the girl who gets her mother to email you?

If it is then my advice would be to hold off, wait for her mothers fine words of wisdom and do as her mother asks/ instructs.
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Only joking! Seriously, this girl needs to get over the whole issue. I would question how good a friend she really is. Can she not share in your day of joy, without having to have somebody hold her hand. She will know other people at the wedding.

Phew, I am so glad my friends aren''t getting like this (although I have 424 days to go, lets see what happens when the invites come out!).

 

[Mayflower25]

Nakedfinger - Great to hear some perspective from a pro! How much do I owe you for your time?

I''m happy to know that I''ve handled the situation the best way possible. It''s tough gauging my actions when the other party is behaving so unreasonably.

It surprises me that these "and guest" situations are so common. I definitely considered hiring a day-of coordinator to handle these awkward situations should they arise. But it really just gets me, thinking that I HAVE to hire someone just to deal with one or two guests. My MOH is one tough cookie, however, and she isn''t afraid to put people in her place

.

I think its much better if X doesn''t attend the reception at all. I initially decided to limit the open bar to only the cocktail hour due to X''s inclination to take advantage of any hospitality. Without her there, I feel comfortable extending the bar for the entire night, as I had originally intended.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

WOW! She''s being really crappy towards you. I''m sorry to hear that.

Would you be really upset if she just decided to bring guest D anyways, regardless of what you said? Sounds like it''s something she would maybe do, since she can''t get her way. (Of couse, I don''t know this girl, so maybe not) If that happens, I would just let it roll of my back and ignore it. You certainly don''t want it to cause a scene at your own wedding.

Can you just not talk with her until after the wedding? It seems like she''s just wanting some attention and it''s not fair that she''s trying to take it away from you and add extra stress.

(I didn''t see your other original post, so I''m not sure what role X play- friend, bridesmaid, etc). If I were you, I''d stop talking to her for now, address the invitation to her, and pay no special attention to them if she ends up bringing D to the wedding, uninvited. At this point, you gotta focus on you. Maybe if you disallow her to have the attention, she''ll back off. I don''t know. That the best I can offer, but good luck with it!

 

[FrekeChild]

Honestly, I would uninvite her without a second thought...but I''m a B like that.

 

[Porridge]

Ya know now that I think about it...d''ya think they''d attend the church, then do a "lovely to see you, we have to leave now. Mayflower doesn''t want my bf at the reception

" to your guests? Ya know, pouty face, I''m-pandering-to-the-bridezilla-woe-is-me kind of behaviour? I would make sure your MOH stays on her like white on rice if she does turn up. Sorry you''re having to deal with this!

 

[Mayflower25]

UPDATE: I received a call for X today. She was stating how she wants us to "move past this" because I''m one of her "best friends". I basically told her that I wasn''t the one with the issue, it was her who reacted so poorly, so I don''t know who "WE" is. She''s still decided on attending the ceremony with D, as of right now. I bet a million dollars that will change shortly. I''m not interested in blanketing issues to cover up for people behaving badly. It also brought to light how poor of a friend she really is, so I''m moving towards cutting off the friendship altogether to prevent future insult.

- lol! i''m not sure if her mother is as flighty as X is, but It wouldn''t surprise me. I''m wishing you the best of luck and NO drama! I''ve had over 2 years to plan and this is the first strike of bad luck. Wedding is in less than 6 wks!

Amanda.Rx: Honestly, yes I think I would be quite upset if she brought D to the reception despite my wishes, although its not in my nature to let it show. I agree, I wouldn''t put it past her. If it were a larger wedding. it might be able to ignore, but I''m only anticipating 70-80 guests. *Crossing my fingers* She is just a guest, thank goodness I''m not relying on her to play a role in the bridal party. At this point I''m putting her in the back of my mind and am moving forward to happier things. Thank you for the advice!

Freke: Yup! Crossed my mind! Its really the next action I''m tempted to take if she continues down this road.

Porridge: That is EXACTLY the type of thing that X would do. She is completely tactless (ex: complaining about how much I spent on my bachelorette dress at my party, asking me how much I spent on my DJ in front of everyone moments later). X is a pro at making people uncomfortable, I think its how she gets her way most of the time.[/b]

 

[doodle]

If I were in your position, I''d make it a point to have someone monitoring the door so as to prevent her sauntering in with him at the last minute against your wishes, if for no other reason than many wedding caterers charge out the wazoo for any last minute additional heads, but more importantly, if she''s going to show her @$$ at my wedding, I can show her @$$ OUT! For me, it wouldn''t be a matter of having an extra person at the wedding, causing drama, or anything else, but I''d make it a point to boot her out if they showed up because I personally cannot STAND a bully, and that''s exactly what she''s trying to do to you. I''d tell her that you appreciate her desire to attend your ceremony, but in light of all the drama that has happened so far, you feel it would be better for everyone''s peace of mind if you caught up with her after the wedding was over with. Then delete her number, block yours, and move across the country to avoid her.

 

[Dannielle]

I just want to say well done. You handled a very awkward situation with a great level of maturity.

I would let X bring D to the church and be done with it.. it isn''t costing you anything and atleast X will still be included in your day to an extent.

 

[beach]

Handled it well. She will do anything to make your day her day. Negative attention is still attention and look how she has even made you start a thread on her. She controls people in her life because she gets something out of it. She feels important and remembered. I would not even let her go to the ceremony. She will do something to make it her day.... Just like the bachelorette party she was late to. She made it her own and gained attention from everyone. She will not change anytime soon and your relationship with her will always be about her. In order to feel wanted she needs to pull for the attention from others. Friends support you during times like these. She is not happy for you IMO and is extremely jealous. She wants to go for her own reasons and I really don't think it is for you. If it were, she would not have done any of this. Looking back, I am sure she has done this to you several times before so be the change you want in the relationship. Run fast.....