For the 5 year + LIW

[chocolatefudge]

Hi Ladies,

I know there are quite a few of us around now who have been waiting for well over 5 years for our proposals. Just wondering how you are all finding/ handling it? I have been surprisingly ok with it this Christmas (although I did cry in the shower Christmas morning because I was so disappointed!) But I do find myself getting my hopes up at EVERY single ''important day'' or ''holiday'' as you ladies would say?
My birthday is early Feb so I''m thinking that then could be the day, and then there''s always Valentine''s, then there''s our anniversarry... the list goes on, but I do it EVERY year! It''ll be 8 years for me and my SO in April.
My SO wants it all to be a complete surprise so I have literally no idea when it could happen. Do you find it difficult when you hear about other people getting engaged? I know it shouldn''t bother me and everyone''s relationships are different but I can''t help it. I sometimes have these irrational moments where I start thinking, "He can''t love me enough," or, "There must be something wrong with me!"
I talk to my SO about it and he has reassured me that 2009 is the year, but then he said 2008 was... We''ve just bought a house together and he does seem very settled now and keeps telling me that he never felt ready for marriage before but now he does, so I suppose we''ll have to see where the year takes us...

How about you ladies? Finding it hard or enjoying the wait?

 

[mrscushion]

Hi chocolatefudge, I'm right there with you. This coming Valentine's Day my SO and I will be dating for 8 years, too.... and I also thought that 2008 was going to be the year. I am dying to get engaged, and it's not so much because left and right friends and acquaintances are getting engaged or married (and yes, it does sting for a second every time I hear about another couple getting engaged, I can't help it) or because my family are teasing me (in a nice way...kinda) about it all the time or because I know all of our mutual friends are wondering how in the world we're *not* engaged yet, but because I can't imaging a better thing than spending the rest of my life with my SO and the commitment that an engagement (and later, marriage) symbolizes just really matters to me. I don't know why, but it just does. He's a little different in that he thinks our relationship already is perfect and that I should know that he is 100% committed to me, with or without a ring on my finger. So to me, it seems like I've been waiting for years for a proposal, whereas he just got around to seriously thinking about it a few months ago, when he started ring shopping. Talk about different timelines -- but hey, many LIWs in this forum are in the same boat. He tells me a proposal is coming within the next few months, and that the only reason it hasn't happened yet is that it's taking him quite a while to find just the right diamond for my ring. Apparently he's already commissioned the setting, or so he insinuates...

So, this should really be the time when I get really excited about being a LIW because it seems that the end is near ... but to be honest (and to answer your question), I'm not enjoying the wait very much. I feel like I've been waiting forever and that I just want it to happen so badly.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Mscushion, I know exctly what you mean and you put things into words far better than me! It''s exciting that your SO is looking at ring settings, can''t be too long now! The problem I face is that I KNOW my SO loves me and wants to be with me but he finds other things more important than us being married (or at least that''s how I feel!) He was more interested in us geting a house and loves talking about us having kids, but when it comes to marriage.... we seem to hit a stumbling block! We both want to be married before we have a baby but he seems to forget that he has to ask me first!
To be fair to him he has been far more willing to talk about marriage over the Christmas holidays and has promised me we will get engaged this year.
Hope your wait ends soon!

 

[ringless]

Ok, so I''ll try to make this short and sweet b/c I''m at work (hehe) but I am right there with you girls. I have been with my bf for 7 years and some months, and it will be 8 next September. I am anxiously waiting and it is very hard especially when friends are zooming by me... and STING they haven''t been together as long (I keep trying to tell myself this doesn''t matter and my time will come). I just had a very good friend get engaged LAST NIGHT and I am so happy for her but it really does hurt. I am trying to keep my chin up today and remain positive about this whole thing. My bf said some pretty amazing things to me on NYE night and I think it could now happen between now and the Spring. I am hoping for the NOW though!

Hang in there ladies!!!

 

[MrsHToBe]

I''ll jump in..

My SO, and I have been together just short of 8 years (it''ll be 8 on the 28th of this month), and we also have a 4-year-old daughter. Before we found out we were expecting back in ''04, we had planned for a wedding in ''06 even though he hadn''t proposed yet.. and, here I am still waiting, 4 years later.
2008 was supposed to be ''the'' year, as he told me a ring would come before New Years, but low-and-behold, nothing. Needless to say, I took it pretty hard, and we''ve been having some pretty huge talks the past couple of days (along with my fits of self-pity, and bawling). He gave so many mixed messages leading up to New Years that I really didn''t know whether he''d propose, or not (even though I really doubted he wold), but it would''ve made it at least a bit easier if he would''ve just said, "Yeah, I can''t do it.. sorry."
He now says that it''ll happen this year for sure, although he won''t give me an approximate timeline at all.. which I figure is probably best now, since I''m so not ready for any more disappointments any time soon, heh. I''m definitely not holding my breath, though.

 

[ringless]

Date: 1/2/2009 9:11:22 AM
Author: MrsHToBe
I''ll jump in..

My SO, and I have been together just short of 8 years (it''ll be 8 on the 28th of this month), and we also have a 4-year-old daughter. Before we found out we were expecting back in ''04, we had planned for a wedding in ''06 even though he hadn''t proposed yet.. and, here I am still waiting, 4 years later.
2008 was supposed to be ''the'' year, as he told me a ring would come before New Years, but low-and-behold, nothing. Needless to say, I took it pretty hard, and we''ve been having some pretty huge talks the past couple of days (along with my fits of self-pity, and bawling). He gave so many mixed messages leading up to New Years that I really didn''t know whether he''d propose, or not (even though I really doubted he wold), but it would''ve made it at least a bit easier if he would''ve just said, ''Yeah, I can''t do it.. sorry.''
He now says that it''ll happen this year for sure, although he won''t give me an approximate timeline at all.. which I figure is probably best now, since I''m so not ready for any more disappointments any time soon, heh. I''m definitely not holding my breath, though.

I know how you feel.. so sorry. Keep doing things for YOU in the meantime and before you know it, it will happen! Hang in there and vent to us anytime.

 

[mrscushion]

Chocolatefudge: I know, it''s just tough when getting engaged is so important to you, but (seemingly at least) not so much to your SO. Buying a house together is a HUGE step, though, and it sounds like you know it is and that you guys are definitely in for the long haul. It''s good to hear that over the holidays you guys were able to talk openly. My SO and I have had so many hours and hours and hours......

of conversations about getting engaged! Your day will come! But the wait is still hard, I know.

Ringless: Hmmm...

that sounds pretty promising to me! ****DUST****

MrsHToBe: I''m sorry, I totally feel for you. The mixed signals are so tough.

I remember telling my SO this past autumn just how much it would mean to me to be engaged before the year was out and he agreed and at the time it really seemed like he would make it happen... but it didn''t and that is just so disappointing. Hang in there. (On another note, though, wow, you have a daughter together, that''s amazing. I am really looking forward to being a parent together with the man of my dreams... so you have so much going on in that arena.)

 

[chocolatefudge]

ringless: That''s great news about the NYE talk!! A proposal by spring would be fantastic!! I''m keeping my fingers crossed for you. It''s so nice to ''talk'' to people who understand how the waiting feels.

MrsHtobe: I sooooo know where you are coming from. I can''t describe how disappointing it is to be expecting the proposal and then for it not to come- especially on Christmas Day when you then have to spend the day pretending you aren''t disappointed! I know it''s wrong but sometimes in the past it made me resent my SO so much! And that''s not fair of me to feel like that but I couldn''t help it.

mscushion: Just like I said earlier, I understand!

Hope 2009 is the year for us all!

 

[fieryred33143]

If there is one thing I realized throughout my waiting (I waited 6.5 years) is that people place a lot of emphasis on the length of the relationship and not the quality of the relationship. All of my freakout LIW moments was due to others giving their opinion on the fact that we had been together for x amount of time without an engagement. It sent me home in tears and I would flip out. But I knew deep down that we were solid and we could go 6 more years with no engagement and it would still be a good relationship that I was very happy and proud to be in. Its just really difficult to feel like you constantly have to defend yourself and the person you are with from others. People used to talk to me as if my FI was the worst man in the world for not having proposed to me sooner.

*But* the engagement doesn''t stop people from asking inappropriate question and sticking their nose where it doesn''t belong. After dealing with the "why hasn''t he proposed? When is he going to propose?" questions, they (mostly the hens at work) immediately went into "when is the wedding? Why haven''t you planned it yet? I had my entire wedding planned two weeks after being engaged!" And I found myself defending why we were still in the planning process and no it isn''t because either of us are afraid of commitment (yes, it was suggested to me that perhaps I am the one afraid of commitment

). And don''t get me started on the comments I have received now that I''m pregnant "you don''t want your baby knowing mom and dad weren''t married when he/she came into the world, do you?"

All I can say is that it never, ever stops. So just enjoy your relationships. Know that not everyone has the same timeline and not all paths have to follow the same steps. Don''t let others ruin your relationship. And also be honest with yourself. Even if you have waited for a long time take a deep look into the relationship and ask yourself if the man you are with is really the one that you want to be with and if he honestly wants to be with you. If the answer is yes, then everything will fall into place in time.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I''m glad another one of these threads is around!!!! FF and I have been together 10.5 years as of TODAY!

I was just thinking yesterday that I spend so much time here on the LIW board. Everyone talks about how they KNOW their engagement is coming soon and I know mine isn''t. It''s slightly stressful. lol! I do feel bits of envy when I see everyone getting engaged. It''s hard sometimes. But what''s funny about it is that I know S and I are not ready yet. Not just yet. But there is still apart of me that feels some kind of hurt after being with him for this long and still nothing.

I just told him yesterday that I decided I would make a New Year''s resolution this year (I usually don''t) I told him that I am going to TRY not to worry so much about the future. Because I worry way too much about the future. It stresses me out. I CONSTANTLY worry about the future. I know we will get engaged, then married but why in God''s name should I continuously worry about it NOW?? It''s just silly. I told him that I''m happy the way things are now, our relationship is better than ever and every day I love him more than the day before (honest truth.) So I''ve got to TRY not to worry. lol! (Keyword being TRY so no guarantees!) All we really have is today.........

I went shopping the other day with my Mom and saw a girl I went to high school with working there. I''m not sure if she saw me or not (we weren''t really friends, I just knew her) anyway, she had on an engagement ring and wedding band and I couldn''t help but feel a little sad that she was married and I wasn''t.....

A HUGE part of me finds it hard to wait because it''s something I want so badly. The other part of me is enjoying the wait because I can spend more time now with my family and I embrase all the moments that I share with them. My best guess is that we would get engaged 2010/2011. I''ve said this a lot around here- S is trying to get a better job but no luck so far. Once he gets the job, things will start looking up for us because he will be able to save more money!

 

[MrsHToBe]

Date: 1/2/2009 10:15:09 AM
Author: fieryred33143
If there is one thing I realized throughout my waiting (I waited 6.5 years) is that people place a lot of emphasis on the length of the relationship and not the quality of the relationship.

Ditto that!
I write on another LIW-type board, and you wouldn''t believe how many of the other ladies are telling me "You deserve better, and so does your DD!", basically urging me to either leave my SO, or pressure him even more about proposing. As much as I respect their opinions, all I ended up thinking was, "WTF?!" We''ve been together this long, are doting parents, and you want me to risk losing/throw away everything? No thanks! SO is an amazingggg father, and provider, and I''m a better person for having him in my life.. no matter how upset, or hurt I am that the proposal didn''t happen when we originally thought.

 

[jitterymo]

Well I don''t post as often as I would like. But my relationship just passed the 5 year mark in November of 2008. And I''m sure I "could go another 5 without a proposal as our relationship is very strong, loving and full of everything one would want out of a relationship. Though I do "hope" that I won''t have to wait another 5, as I have secretly picked out our wedding date, which would have us getting married around our 6 year anniversary...

I really don''t have much to say as I''m over the moon with excitement for this new year and what possibilities it can hold. As my boy and I have decided that this is "OUR" year!!! And it will be great no matter what!!!

 

[purselover]

As someone almost in an 8 year relationship I''m enjoying the wait. I''m very lucky to have someone on the same page as me, we both know we will get married (probably in a few years) and we both want to get married, but agree an engagement should wait a little longer.

 

[trillionaire]

I'm at 5.25 years.

I'm not super anxious about getting engaged RIGHT NOW, but it would be nice to take that step in our relationship. I'm not really in a rush to get married, so I can wait on the engagement. I also want to elope, and that is a whole other issue.

My parents, I think were starting to get concerned about whether we were making progress (my mom actually told me over X-mas that "SO is never going to marry you, so you might as well get over it." She said it was 'in jest', but who even says something like that??? Relationships are a very personal thing to me, and I don't talk about marriage and engagement with my friends or family really. I started to with two of my closest friends around this X-mas, but I really don't talk about it, it seems very personal. Anyway, it annoyed me that my mother said that when I KNOW he plans to marry me and always has. He was waiting for ME to be ready, and got a ring less than 2 months after I said I was ready.

But she doesn't know that. And SO talked to my dad this X-mas, which was good, because I think my dad was starting to wonder what the hold up was. He likes SO, but wouldn't want me to date someone for years and years if they had no intentions. (LOVE my dad!

)

I think for both of us, after 5 yrs together, marriage is something that is very realistic, versus idealistic. SO's brother got married six months ago, and SO is not totally in love with his brother's situations (married to an older woman with a child, not his, and a baby on the way). And she was verbally berating him in front of his family and everyone gathered for new years. As a consequence, SO kept saying, 'I am never getting married.' I know that he doesn't mean that, and that he says it to get a rise out of me, but I do like that we are able to see various relationships in our two families, and reflect on what aspects we like and can emulate, and what aspects we think are detrimental or problematic. I'm pretty happy with where we are and the speed that we are getting to marriage, but I was a bit disappointed for the first time that he didn't propose over X-mas, but only because we celebrated with both of our families (had never done that before), and I thought that it would be such a perfect time, so that we could celebrate with everyone who is important to us. Other than that, no biggie. I really hope he catches me totally off guard... and so far, he hasn't been very good at being sneaky. Oh well.

And I have been THRILLED BEYOND THRILLED for my friends who have gotten engaged. If anything, it makes me even more excited, because I think of all the people that will be so excited for us when we get engaged. We don't want kids, so I don't feel any pressure to rush. Actually, I think between my age and the economy, I am slowing down my rush a bit and wanting to be really practical and in a good place financially. I would be okay with a long engagement, but I am apprehensive about it because I don't want to have a wedding, and I don't like the idea of being harrassed about it for 2 years.

okay, I just wrote a book. sorry! Been away from PS for too long!

 

[LaraOnline]

Well, I've just seen this thread, and I hope you girls get everything you've been waiting for. five years plus is a substantial investment, and I think you should get your dividend in the end!

My girlfriend has been with her man for ten years plus, and has finally decided to take the plunge. They are going to get married next year. I hope it is a fantastic wedding for her, she put it off because she didn't want to tackle some family issues on her side (boils down to whether she should invite mum, dad or both, basically) and then there was a lot of to-and-fro between her man and herself, depending on their mood at the time...

I think she is happy they are finally 'making it official', and I am happy too because it means she has greater legal and financial protection should anything untoward happen such as her partner's sudden death.

 

[ringless]

Date: 1/2/2009 8:24:12 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Well, I''ve just seen this thread, and I hope you girls get everything you''ve been waiting for. five years plus is a substantial investment, and I think you should get your dividend in the end!

My girlfriend has been with her man for ten years plus, and has finally decided to take the plunge. They are going to get married next year. I hope it is a fantastic wedding for her, she put it off because she didn''t want to tackle some family issues on her side (boils down to whether she should invite mum, dad or both, basically) and then there was a lot of to-and-fro between her man and herself, depending on their mood at the time...

I think she is happy they are finally ''making it official'', and I am happy too because it means she has greater legal and financial protection should anything untoward happen such as her partner''s sudden death.

Thank you!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 1/2/2009 8:24:12 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Well, I''ve just seen this thread, and I hope you girls get everything you''ve been waiting for. five years plus is a substantial investment, and I think you should get your dividend in the end!

My girlfriend has been with her man for ten years plus, and has finally decided to take the plunge. They are going to get married next year. I hope it is a fantastic wedding for her, she put it off because she didn''t want to tackle some family issues on her side (boils down to whether she should invite mum, dad or both, basically) and then there was a lot of to-and-fro between her man and herself, depending on their mood at the time...

I think she is happy they are finally ''making it official'', and I am happy too because it means she has greater legal and financial protection should anything untoward happen such as her partner''s sudden death.

That is very kind of you! Thank you Lara. I also enjoyed reading about your 10+ friend because of me and FF being 10+ years......

 

[HappyCat]

We''ll reach the 7 year mark in April. I have to say that it goes in phases. Sometimes I''d be very excited and obsessed about getting engaged, sometimes it would be low on my radar. It used to really get to me when I heard that other people had gotten engaged, but I''m finally to the point where I can get past my own disappointment and just be happy for them. We''ve had multiple discussions over the past few months, and FF has a broad timeline that he is working with. He didn''t state exactly, but his implications were that it could be as early as May(!) although he does keep going back and forth on that. So who knows. 2009 feels like a good year to be engaged though.

Good luck to all the other 5+ers!

 

[waiting_impatiently_2008]

Let me just start by saying that I typed out a whole posting and the system lost it! so this one might be a little more short and sweet....
I was in your position about 9 years ago. I had been with my boyfriend (now ex husband) for long enough that all of the rest of our friends (who had started dating after us) had gotten married and already started having kids- I felt the clock ticking and felt that it was time to get engaged... i don''t think he felt as ready as me- we talked about it for a long time and had even bought a ring- but when it came time for proposal- it stalled out... I remember crying watching fireworks at the lake on the 4th of july because it would be a perfect time for him to propose- but nothing- every holiday, every dinner out, romantic night in- I let be ruined because I just couldn''t wait. fast forward though the engagement- he wanted to wait to set a date, I wanted to set one right away- don''t get me wrong- I was just excited- but I rushed everything- marriage, having our 1st baby, our 2nd baby, buying a house... etc. Even though we are no longer together and both of us have moved on- I missed our on enjoying some really great times.....
I am now a LIW for the second time- and I have realized that we have our own timeline- and even though life is short- I want to enjoy it instead of rushing to get to the next point- don''t get me wrong, I still have my moments of impatience- but I know it''s coming and I''m not letting drive me crazy. I''ll get it when I get it- when he''s ready.
All of you ladies seem to have some wonderful men that may only seem to be inching in the direction of marriage when you''ve already lapped them a few times- but they are heading in the right direction and you know they love you-
Good luck in your wait-
Just my little story....

 

[kittybean]

Date: 1/5/2009 1:08:22 PM
Author: Dreamgirl

Date: 1/2/2009 8:24:12 PM

Author: LaraOnline

Well, I''ve just seen this thread, and I hope you girls get everything you''ve been waiting for. five years plus is a substantial investment, and I think you should get your dividend in the end!

My girlfriend has been with her man for ten years plus, and has finally decided to take the plunge. They are going to get married next year. I hope it is a fantastic wedding for her, she put it off because she didn''t want to tackle some family issues on her side (boils down to whether she should invite mum, dad or both, basically) and then there was a lot of to-and-fro between her man and herself, depending on their mood at the time...


I think she is happy they are finally ''making it official'', and I am happy too because it means she has greater legal and financial protection should anything untoward happen such as her partner''s sudden death.

That is very kind of you! Thank you Lara. I also enjoyed reading about your 10+ friend because of me and FF being 10+ years......

Dreamgirl, I just saw your comment, and I wanted to share my cousin''s story. He and his now-wife dated for over 10 years (since they were freshmen in college) before he bought a ring. He then proceeded to hang onto the ring, taking it with him to all kinds of places, for an entire year because he was looking for the perfect moment to propose. He found the perfect moment, and it was amazing for both of them; they had so much history, love, and commitment, and they knew their marriage was going to be forever because of that. They''ve been married for two years now. I know they felt all kinds of pressure to get engaged during their dating relationship, but I''m glad they ultimately did what worked for them.

I also wish for wonderful engagements "girl soon" for all of you lovely ladies. I also wish that you might enjoy the present for what it is: happy times with the man of your dreams.