For those of you engaged before...

[fisherofmengirly]

what did you do with the ring, when it didn''t work out?

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Well I guess I should say why I ask, maybe. I was engaged a couple years ago, and the guy has always refused to take the ring back. It''s a LONG story, but he has since had a heart attack and is not working at this point, and is possibly going to need further surgery.

I''ve NEVER wanted to have the ring in my possession beyond the termination of our engagement, but he''s refused to accept it back. After countless conversations *back in the beginning of the break up* he''s still refused to take it back, and last time I mailed it, he sent it back.

Now, he called me just this past Thursday AT WORK ON MY PRIVATE LINE BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE CALLER ID and I can''t determine who''s calling before I answer, out of absolutely NOwhere) to say he''s going to need this defibulator in his chest, or however you spell it, and he kept making mention of how he doesn''t have the money for the operation.

Now I''m thinking that maybe I should just try one more time to send it to him. he would probably just send it back, and I feel like as long as I have it, he thinks we can continue this stupid communication with me, which isn''t healthy, since back in February he called and asked to speak to HIS wife. What an idiot. He hasn''t cut us off in his own head yet and I''ve told him SEVERAL times that we need to NOT talk because he''s not processed anything yet, and I''m in another relationship and it''s not fair to me or to Paul to talk to him when he''s saying stuff about us being married one day.

I don''t keep it in my house, because I don''t want it and I don''t like it being around. It''s at work, not in my office, either. I finally put it there after trying to return it to him over three times now.

I''m tired of the drama he likes to create in this matter, and I''m tired of the hints he drops, and I''m just tired of all of it. I''m about to be engaged to the man of my dreams and I want this past phase of my life to finally close.

Just selling it would be easy enough, but I''d feel bad doing that, knowing that he''s hurting for money right now. Granted, he''d be lucky to get more than a couple hundred bucks for it.

So, what would you guys do in this situation? I was advised by a friend at work that she could just "lose it" for me. There''s an idea!

I''m frustrated by it, and nothing I''ve tried has worked so far.

 

[Kaleigh]

You could sell it and send him the money. Or maybe send it to one of his family members?? Saying you don''t want it, have tried to send it back to him with no luck. Asking them to sell it for his benifit?? Just some thoughts, hard situation. But selling it is hard and you always loose money. Sad but true. Good luck!!!

 

[RoseAngel04]

I have never been engaged before, but I have heard there is some sort of "rule" as to who keeps the ring. If the split was his call then you keep the ring. If the woman calls it off, then the ring should be returned to the guy.

Now, I would think if I were you either way I wouldn''t want to ring in my possession etc. The past is the past, you have moved on the your ff

and don''t need that memory any longer. If I were you I would mention to him that since he is having financial problems that the ring money may help lessen the burden. If he declines, and insists that he wants you to keep it then I personally would pawn it and pocket the money. It sounds like you have done almost all that you can to get rid of the ring, and if he doesn''t cooperate just get the money and be done with it.

Good luck!

 

[aussiegirl23]

Date: 7/24/2006 12:51:33 AM
Author: fisherofmengirly
Now I''m thinking that maybe I should just try one more time to send it to him. he would probably just send it back, and I feel like as long as I have it, he thinks we can continue this stupid communication with me, which isn''t healthy, since back in February he called and asked to speak to HIS wife. What an idiot. He hasn''t cut us off in his own head yet and I''ve told him SEVERAL times that we need to NOT talk because he''s not processed anything yet, and I''m in another relationship and it''s not fair to me or to Paul to talk to him when he''s saying stuff about us being married one day.

Jen, yikes this stinks!!!

It sounds like you''ve done everything you can to get this guy to leave you alone, as things are totally over between you two. And he''s not listening! Ugh! I can''t stand guys who persist in some bizarre, alternate universe, and refuse to acknowlege the one they''re actually in!!

I mean really, him calling and asking "for his wife?" That''s creepy to me, not just hopeful. I would be upset by that, even if he is having a tough time of it, in terms of both health and finances. That''s totally crossing the line, and just not okay!

About the ring? I think it''s a good idea to send it back to a family member of his who you trust. Clearly, he''s not being sane enough to listen to what you''re saying and realize things are never going back to how they were. And it also would take a lot of pride for him to take the ring, even if the money would help at this point. So sending it to a family member to sell would help him out, and get you OUT of this ugly situation!

I really sympathize with you on this one - dealing with exes who simply are a little thick-headed can be infuriating and upsetting

But you sound like you''re handling it remarkably well... Good girl!

Also, I''m sure you''ve done this already, but make sure your ex knows exactly how serious your current relationship with Prince Paul is. Maybe that will absolutely make it clear to him that there isn''t a chance in the world of re-kindling things with you.

Hope this resolves itself soon - honestly - send the thing in the mail tomorrow and get it OUT of your life. You''re so close to starting such a new and exciting part

Aussiegirl : p

 

[Mara]

i love aussiegirl''s suggestion to send it to a fam member that you trust, like his mom or something, and ask her to sell it for him and send him the money....then it''s out of your possession and he can get the money he needs and it''s done and you did the right thing. good luck!

 

[bee*]

yeah I think thats a good idea too

 

[fisherofmengirly]

The sending it to a family member idea is a good one. He lives with his mother and she''s a MAJOR reason for his lack of ambition in life, but his father and stepmother are wonderful and maybe a note telling them I can''t and don''t want the ring anymore, and that he''s refused it thus far, but could ultimately use the money, little as it may be, for costs due to his hospital stays would work.

Yeah, he has a lot of FRUIT LOOP in him, and my younger, more naive eyes didn''t see any of it until I was already in "love," or some version of it. Isn''t it funny how you don''t know REAL love til you have it, experience it and see the joy and comfort and just bliss of loving someone who really knows how to accept and give it, without nullifying the WORDS of love by the ACTIONS of life? Well, anyway, I''ve been completely open about Paul since he arrived in my life.

The last time he called, I''d say a few months ago, I explained to him AGAIN the need for me to get this chapter of my life with him completely closed and NOT have the ring anymore, because I am on the brink of beginning a married life with Paul. His response? "Oh I''m so happy for you. One of us ought to be happy in life. I always thought it''d be you." (It''s always about him, and you are supposed to always end up feeling sorry for him for any good thing that happens in your life. Gotta love that personality trait, huh?) Still, when I told him AGAIN that I was going to send the ring to him, well over two years later, gosh, closer to three now, he avoided the comments I was making and finally I told him I''d mail it and I wouldn''t accept it back and I''d mark it "return to sender" if it found its way back to me again. So I did.

He dropped it BY MY HOUSE within the next week, with this cryptic message TAPED to the box. "My wife you shall always be. Take my token of love, Princess." PRINCESS? I''ve never been called that by him!! I''ve not seen him since the break up. He just likes to do stupid stuff like that when he knows I''m at work.

Paul''s reaction to it all is odd to me: he says he feels for the guy and as long as I''m not in harm and I don''t feel I am, that the man just needs his tme to heal. It''s very understading of him, but sometimes I just wish he''d be like, "hmm, I''d like to beat the snot outta that man for messing with my girl!" Alas, Paul is nothing if not understanding, and it''s a blessing in the long run, since I tend to thrive on being "understood" even when I''m being a buffoon myself.

Anyway, the idea to send it to his dad is a good one that I''d not considered before. Thanks. I''ll work on writing them a letter today and see if that works, finally.

 

[aussiegirl23]

Jen,

Perhaps we could arrange a get-together of PriceScope women... to come together and "beat the snot outta that man"

That way Paul could be totally innocent, and who would suspect a group of silly girls to attack a stranger? Of course Hitchcock''s "Stranger on A Train" might reveal what''s going on!

Seriously though, even if you''re not in any physical danger, it sounds like the emotional stress of it all is enough that perhaps it''s time for Paul, this guy''s dad, or another male friend of yours to go have a talk with him. I say man because this guy might take such a conversation more seriously that way - no monkey business after that!

Good for you for starting a draft of that letter today. You''ve got initiative, and are serious about getting this taken care of!

And oh so glad your tummy is feeling better!

Okay, I''m definetly having too much fun with the faces at the bottom of the screen - guess that''s what happens when I''m in a good mood!

Aussiegirl : p

 

[Angela1977]

No matter what happens, the ring is the property of the man...regardless of who calls it off. That''s the legal stance anyway.

 

[KimberlyH]

Hey fisher,

I was engaged and called the wedding off. I immediately returned the ring and haven''t seen it since. He and I saw one another a few times afterwards and he reminded me every time that his mom was holding my ring for me, so I could come back and I told him that wouldn''t be happening so he should do something with it.

If memory serves, the law is that an e-ring is given with a promise attached, if that promise isn''t fulfilled, no matter who breaks it off, the person who paid for the ring gets it back. Or perhaps I''ve watched too much Judge Judy.

 

[aussiegirl23]

Angela & Kimberly,

It sounds like Jen has made a 100% effort to give the ring back. She''s continued to offer to give it back, has physically given it back - and yet he has returned it.

You''re making it sound like she wants to keep it, for monetary gain, or just stubborness. I think that''s absolutely NOT the case here.

Jen, keep your head up - you''ve done all that you can do, and your plan to return the ring to his dad is excellent. Ignore the legal mumbo-jumbo... you''ve been doing your best!

Aussiegirl : p

 

[Angela1977]

Ummm...I didn''t say anything about her. I just said that the ring always goes back to the man.
I understand she''s made an effort. I was just responding to those who said sometimes the woman keeps it. If he won''t take it from her, I''d have a family member send it back, as suggested. Or put no return label on there and ship it certified mail. If none of that will work, then I guess you keep it, pawn it, sell it, etc.
I was just giving the legal recourse...not sure where you got the idea that I was "making it sound like she wants to keep it, for monetary gain, or just stubborness." My post said nothing of the sort.

 

[aussiegirl23]

Not trying to start a fight here, it just didn''t seem like she needed any reminders that they guy gets the ring back. She seemed quite clear on that. She''s trying.

I reacted because sometimes simply providing "the law" or other short pieces of advice without saying anything else can sound a bit harsh, that''s all.

Sorry if I offended you, it just seemed a little redundant and detached.

Aussiegirl : p

 

[Angela1977]

Like I said, I was really responding to those that said "well, it depends on who breaks it off..." etc.
Not going to argue this one. I wasn''t trying to rub anything in...I just think we shouldn''t be so sensitive around here.

 

[KimberlyH]

I wasn''t implying anything either, I was just referring to my personal experience and one of the many reasons I returned the ring, it just so happened to be the legal one. Her question was "what did you do with the ring, when it didn''t work out?" not what should she do, she made it very clear what she has done so far, and I can''t criticize her for her efforts. I wish her luck, it sounds like a crappy situation.

 

[aussiegirl23]

Okay, I''m being super-sensitive today. Ignore me : ) Sorry!!!

 

[KimberlyH]

No need to be sorry, aussie, posts are hard to translate into real world conversation sometimes, and I am known in real life for being a fairly blunt person, but I wasn''t saying anything negative about her at all, and wanted to make sure that was clear.

Have a great day!

 

[fisherofmengirly]

No need to worry that I''m offended by anything here. I''ve done all I *know* to do, and I''ve been trying since the time my relationship with this man dissolved. I know that I sure don''t want it, or the money it would sell for, but I don''t know how to *make* him want it, I guess.

I did write a letter to his father and stepmother, and if I do not hear from him in the next day, I will let him know that I''ve taken care of it as best as I can, and that it''s out of my hands now, finally.

Talked to a few people at work today about it. A friend of mine who''s older and has a child who''s close to my age stated that she thinks it might be a tad bit "presumptous" to assume that his father will be willing to accept the responsibility of managing the situation.

Grr. Argh! Grr.

I don''t know what to do. It would be *so* easy to just chuck it in the dumpster, but I still feel like I ought to do all I can to get it to him, if possible. The family member thing is a good idea, and I feel as though the letter explains the situation fully and well, but I *do* feel a bit like I''m putting them in a bind, or at least causing an uncomfortable inconvenience.

I don''t know, but I''m not going to stress out over it. The ring does not have power over me NOR does the ex, and I won''t let it occupy too much of my time or thoughts, either. Sweet Paul does not feel uncomfortable about it because I''ve tried to get rid of it, and he knows I''m not holding on to it willingly, or with sentimental feelings, or a desire for monetary value. He says he trusts my judgment and thinks I make good decisions. What a precious and good man! He says not to worry or frustrate myself over these things, he understands that I''ve not done anything to prolong the process and he won''t be upset or even a tiny bit disappointed if when he asks me, the issue hasn''t been resolved. He''s said that all along, and it''s been a good stress reliever for me.

 

[RoseAngel04]

I think Angela is referring to what I said about it depending on who calls the engagement. Sure from a legal standpoint I guess whoever bought the ring is the owner.

 

[FireGoddess]

Excellent idea to send it to his mom or dad for them to sell and give him the $$. Tell them you''ve tried to return it and he won''t let you, that you don''t feel the need to have it anymore and since he needs the $$ for the surgery, you think it''s best they take it on his behalf and sell it so he can have the $$ he needs for his surgery.

 

[firebirdgold]

It''s a gift. I assumed that legally it was the woman''s but ethcally she should give it back if she broke it off.

Well, anyway, I handed my ex the ring, turned around and walked away. Never heard from him or saw the ring again.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Yeah, had he SHOWED up the night we broke up, I would have done that, too. Pansy man.

I''m feeling pretty okay with the whole mailing it to his dad thing. Not a lot of other options that make sense, other than me donating the money to a charity or group or humane society or hospital. Still, I don''t feel like that''s my call to make, particularly when I know his medical issues at this time, and his lack of funds.

 

[laine]

Its my understanding that the legality of who gets the ring varies by state.
This link lists some of the variations: http://marriage.about.com/od/rings/a/ringreturn.htm

And fisher: sending it to his dad sounds like a good plan. I hope it works out.

 

[MustangFan]

I was engaged for 4 years and it didn''t work out. He told me that he didn''t want the ring back, so over 2 years later it''s still in my jewelry box. I don''t plan on doing anything with it really. I told my boyfriend that I''d sell it and he said that he didn''t want any of the money to be put into anything for "us" because it would have bad karma, but I doubt that I could get anything substancial for it so I''m not going to bother.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Yeah, back when he was pretending to be ready to sell it, I took it to the store in town who buys used jewelry, and they offered $110-180, depending on what the diamond guy thought when he saw it. Not much at all. I just wish he''d take the dang thing and decide what to do with it himself.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Yay! Finally, the man decides to make a decision when I tell him I''m mailing it to his father tomorrow if I''ve not heard from him by email before I get to the post office tomorrow.

So, in response, I got this: "You may return it to me by mail at your earliest convenience."

Haha. I love how it sounds like he''s *allowing* me to do something here. Oh well. I''m ecstatic! If he even tries to mail it back, I''ll, well I don''t know what I''ll do. I''ll be incredibly ticked off, though.

This phase of my life gets to finally close. Yippeee!

 

[bee*]

Yay! Heres to the next chapter of your life

 

[Kaleigh]

That''s good news. Glad you can send it back to him and be done with it once and for all. I''d also block him from your email once you send it. You don''t need to hear from him anymore.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

My first fiance wanted me to keep the ring. There was no debate and he offered before I could even ask. He even went as far as to get it reset in a pendant for me so I could continue to wear the diamond. However, when my mom saw it around my neck, she believed that I was wearing it as a reminder of my ex-FI...I kept trying to tell her that beautiful diamonds were meant to be worn, but I felt so guilty wearing it around her that I ended up putting it away.

When I met my husband, we agreed to put the diamond up for consignment. I got enough for it to purchase our kitchenette set after we got married.