For those of you that have been in a long-term relationship…

[cantwait4life]

How do you feel about your SO asking your family for “permission” to marry? Or I guess the phrase is asking for your hand in marriage.

 

[Anna0499]

I think it depends on the family...I know my parents would *really* appreciate something like that and even use it to get to know my SO and ask him some serious questions. Also, sometimes families don''t know how serious their loved one is to their SO so that discussion would give them some insight. On the other hand, I know some families probably wouldn''t care either way, especially if the SO is already close with your family and everyone is on the same page as far as marriage being inevitable. I think most of the time it is just a formality, but can be greatly appreciated by most.

 

[Lauren8211]

Definitely not going to happen in my situation. We are not a "traditional" family by any means, and my mom already knows that we''re planning to marry.

He does, however, have to ask her for the ring to give to me. (How can a girl pass on an heirloom 2.5 ct round???) So he''s kind of asking -- not so much for permission, but it''s a heads-up to my mom that it''s about to go down! lol.

But yeah, if it''s important to you and your parents, then he should do it. If your parents aren''t that type, there''s no reason to follow that tradition just for the sake of following tradition.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

I like it. I think it is a respectful gesture but I am VERY biased as I am an only child and very much my dad''s little girl.

My SO doesn''t have to ask for "permission" but I would want him to let my parents know of his intentions. It isn''t as though either of my parents would be surprised or say "no", I think it''s just one of those old fashioned traditions that is pretty romantic and exemplifies his respect towards my parents.

 

[fieryred33143]

My mom and dad were very traditional. They dated for a year before he proposed. They did not “do the deed” as my mom likes to say before marriage and he went to her country to formally request her hand in marriage.

Anyway, he passed away 13 years ago. My mom never remarried so she has played mom and dad for us. I know that she will appreciate my FF asking for my hand in marriage. It’ll be kind of silly because we’ve been together for a long time and he is a very big part of our family but she will love it.

 

[parrot tulips]

I''d love it if my boyfriend asked for my parents'' blessing. I think my parents would appreciate the gesture, and I''d love that he put himself out there like that for me. Even if the parents adore the boyfriend, it''s still got to be nerve-wracking.

 

[KCCutie]

I think it''s a sweet gesture that shows respect for my parents and I know that my SO feels the same. actually when his sister got engaged last year one of the first things he wondered about was did her SO ask their dad before hand and he would have been very upset if the answer had been no. Fortunately the answer was yes he did ask and all is well.

I''m certain my SO will have a talk with my parents before he proposes and I think it''ll be soon b/c we may make and offer on house within a week and getting my parents on board with our plans for buying a house will be easier if they understand his intentions completely.

 

[sunnyd]

I like to think of it more as a blessing than permission. Because if my dad/parents said no (which would be shocking!!) I''d still marry him...

 

[lucy.lucy.80]

FI and I have been together for 7 years and my FI asked for my fathers blessing before he proposed. We have a traditional family so my father would have felt sort of disrespected had he not because I am very close with my father.

 

[aliciagirl]

I think it''s a very sweet and respectful thing to do, but my family is very untraditional and I''ve asked my SO not to. It''s just a personal thing for me and quite frankly, I don''t care whether I have my family''s blessing or not. But I''m sure it would be quite different if I were close with them.


The thing that gets me is when guys do it just to appease their girlfriend. Meaning that if the parents refuse to give the blessing he is going to do it anyway. In that case, I think it''s more disrespectful than not asking at all.

 

[wishful]

My family is not that traditional. He''s met my parents and they think he''s great so that''s enough for them.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I have posted this before but I wished he would at least let my Mom know before he is going to do it. My Dad wouldn't mind either way. I think my Mom would be very happy if he mentioned it to her and kind of "let her in" on it. I think it would score him some major brownie points too. lol! But he has said he thinks its old fashioned so I doubt that he would do it.

On the other hand, they already sort of know we want to get married someday and Mom knows we just looked at rings together for fun so........

I don't know.

 

[kittybean]

If he were really keen on the idea, I''d let him, but I certainly wouldn''t push for it. I don''t like the idea of an adult asking permission to marry another adult. We can and do make our own decisions, even though our families are incredibly important to us.

I also don''t like the historical connotations of asking the father for the daughter''s hand in marriage. The reason for asking used to be that since the daughter is legally the father''s property, the potential husband must ask the father''s permission before she can become the husband''s property through marriage. Yuck--I am no one''s property.

At any rate, I''m 99% sure he hasn''t asked my parents, and the proposal should be happening very soon, so I doubt he will.

 

[absolut_blonde]

SO wants to ask for their blessing. Not their permission, though.

I''m pretty neutral either way. I don''t think my parents would necessarily care if he DIDN''T ask, but I think they will appreciate the gesture. And I think it''s sweet that he wants to, too.

 

[M&MS]

I want my SO to ask for my father''s blessing, as we are both very traditional. I don''t think my parents really care (we''ve been dating for 7.5 years already) but I really love the idea of the gesture.

In fact, my SO and my dad went out to eat last weekend and got some drinks afterwards, which they''ve never done before. I know about it though, so I don''t think that''s what went down (I imagine it would''ve been a secret meeting) but maybe my SO is trying to throw me off the scent by letting me know about it. Hm...Well, a girl can dream, right?

 

[choro72]

Blessing, Permission...It didn''t make a difference to me either way, as long as he did it. I''m a daddy''s girl, and it meant a lot to both me and my dad.

 

[Mannequin]

I actually requested that my BF ask my parents for their blessing before he puts his proposal plans in action. I told him that since they would be helping foot the bill for a wedding in some part, they should be informed of his intentions. It also would be seen as being very respectful by my family. Even if we just end up doing Vegas and a BBQ, I would still be happier with him speaking with my parents first.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I am a total daddy's girl and my FI would not have asked because my father would have been bothered and probably slightly bemused by it.

My FI told my mom he was going to do it while we were in Europe, but if he had asked her for the blessing, she would have gone wierd as my mom doesn't believe in passing judgement on her kids SOs, so getting the blessing even though she loves my FI would have been like pulling teeth.

For the OP, consider having him ask for the blessing, not permission to marry. Besides the connotations of selling the daughter, it makes things a lot less akward of your dad says no.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 6/11/2008 12:49:50 PM
Author: aliciagirl

The thing that gets me is when guys do it just to appease their girlfriend. Meaning that if the parents refuse to give the blessing he is going to do it anyway. In that case, I think it's more disrespectful than not asking at all.

Eh, I think that's part of the big distinction between blessing and permission.

Permission is, well, permission. To me, blessing is more of a heads-up out of respect. i.e. these are my intentions, I/we hope that you are happy with the decision and we'd love to have your best wishes-- but if not then we stiill intend to carry forward (hence not asking 'permission').

Perhaps it's semantics, but there's a big difference to me.

 

[stereogirl]

i asked my FI to call my dad (my parents live out of state) and "ask" for permission to marry me. in most of life i''m quite non-traiditional, but in this respect i thought it was a sweet thing to do for my parents'' sake. not that they own me or anything like that, but i wanted them to know they are respected and that we would not go forward with an engagement without their blessing. of course my family adores FI and were happy to agree to let him marry me. Now that i think about it FI and i are rather traditional in most respects when it comes to romance...we won''t live together or have sex before we are married.

 

[trillionaire]

My dad made it very clear to both my SO and myself that he expects to be consulted with (I guess asked for his blessing) before a proposal. I think he wants to have a sit down man-to-man convo about our future and plans. most guys I know have talked to the girl''s parents, which I think is nice. Families like to be in on the big secret, especially if they can be involved in the engagement, which many have been. My dad really likes my SO, so it''s really more of a formality. I guess it''s really important to him though, which is funny, because I am not very traditional, and plan to elope. (that is NOT going to go over well with my fam...)

*shrugs*

 

[Izzy03]

Eer on the side of caution! While my parents love my bf and know we are planning to marry, I think they would be very hurt if he did not request their blessing prior to a proposal.

True story: My future father-in-law DID NOT pay for my bf''s sister''s wedding because her bf (now her husband) did not seek daddy''s blessing. I know it sounds harsh, but he was very hurt at the time.

 

[ladypirate]

I don''t think he''ll ask, per se, but I think he will tell them ahead of time. Not for permission, but more to get their blessing. He''s already told his mom that we''re going to be getting married in the next couple of years, so I don''t think it''ll be too different to talk to my parents, especially since they adore him.

 

[kittybean]

I agree with absolut_blonde that "blessing" and "permission" are two different things, and that the former is definitely more acceptable to me. However, I''m surprised at how many people feel it''s important for their SO to ask for one or the other--I was really taken aback at Izzy''s story about the father-in-law refusing to pay for the wedding because the boyfriend didn''t ask permission! I guess it''s just not that important to people in my social circle. Personally, my parents have known of our intention to marry (from me) for a while and have always expressed their happiness at the prospect, and I think that, in that kind of situation, it''s unnecessary to secure any sort of additional blessing. It''s interesting and eye-opening to read all of your comments.

 

[mayachel]

My parents are aware of our intentions to marry...eventually. Like others here, we bought a house this past year, and I will say they were concerned about that choice, not knowing how serious we viewed the relationship. I had a sweet heart to heart with my father assuring him that we both knew what we were getting in to, responsibility and commitment wise.

I''ve asked my boyfriend, to specifically NOT ask permission, as I that we not be us, or me at all. However I have requested that he speak with both my parents for their blessing, as I think it is a nice gesture. I''m their only child, so I try to be respectful of easy to achieve dreams and ideas in their head, as there are a lot that I''m sure I''ve surprised them with over the years. If BF doesn''t, no big deal, but we will formally go together then. I would not put him up to it, if I didn''t know that my parents would 100% welcome his asking, and I do know that they like and approve of him.

 

[ringless]

It would be nice if my bf did ask my parents, but we''ve been together for almost 7 years, and my parents love him and are always "yankin his chain" about when he will propose or when we''ll get married... so he pretty much has the green light.

 

[krispi]

I''m very against the idea of asking for "permission". I''m the kind of person who is going to do what I want, whether my family agrees or not, and they know that. I don''t have a problem asking for a "blessing", however, and yes there is a difference in my mind.

When I got engaged the first time, I was still in college and supported somewhat by my parents, and it was important to me that they be asked first. At this point in my life, I''ve been married once before, I''ll be in my 30''s by the time I get engaged again, and I''m fully supporting myself. I could go either way - if he wants to ask great, if not that''s fine too. Actually, I know that my dad didn''t ask my mom''s dad before they got engaged - they both went together to tell her parents. If that''s how it happened for me, I''m sure they would be fine with it, especially considering where I am in life.

Incidentally, I also am against the dad "giving away" the bride at the wedding. It''s fine if he "presents" her, but the father doesn''t own the daughter in the first place to be able to give her to someone else. It''s a very similar difference in my mind.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 6/11/2008 4:50:42 PM
Author: equestrienne
I actually requested that my BF ask my parents for their blessing before he puts his proposal plans in action. I told him that since they would be helping foot the bill for a wedding in some part, they should be informed of his intentions. It also would be seen as being very respectful by my family. Even if we just end up doing Vegas and a BBQ, I would still be happier with him speaking with my parents first.

Great point, I''m in the same boat so I would feel kinda rude to not involve them and just expect them to fork over the $$$. I might be going out on a limb here but I actually sympathize with the father who refused to pay for the wedding because he was not informed about the proposal beforehand. I don''t agree with it but I do see his point...why not at least give him a heads up before asking him to shell out major $$$? I think everyone knows how their families work and what would be expected and just does whatever is best for them...so, OP, it''s really just a personal choice...like every other topic on his site.