Forgiveness?

[MichelleCarmen]

Okay, the letter you received has got to be the cream-of-the-crop toxic forgiveness letter. Not only is she dredging up the horrible experience for you to re-live, she is putting you in the position to feel guilty if you do not answer it. Here you are stuck with the letter and stressed as to how to respond, if you should respond, and if you should forgive her or not.

She''s basically REPEATING the cycle but with a new twist. This time around she is dumping her previous emotional outbursts on you as a new and current sympathy-guilt instigating burden you have to bare, just to appease her.

I would toss the letter!

PLUS, we''re talking high school! Eh, I would burn the letter! Send her the ashes.

 

[risingsun]

Date: 3/24/2009 2:05:36 AM
Author: musey

Date: 3/23/2009 10:24:25 PM
Author: october2008bride
Forgiveness can grant you the understanding that the whole situation was her problem and is not proof of some kind of pattern in your relationships.

To be fair, I think it is a pattern in my relationships. At least some of them.

In my life, I've become a target for three formerly close friends in manic depressive (diagnosed) rants. I honestly do believe that this is something to do with my personality and tolerance level for such behavior. I think that I attract it. At least, I used to. Now that I'm aware of the pattern, I'm very watchful and careful around people who exhibit manic depressive tendencies.

Makes sense, as my dad is manic depressive and I continually go through this cycle with him, as well. Repeating the traumas (barely qualifying as that, though) of our youth and everything.


Anyway, I do want to make clear again that up until the receipt of this letter, I have not wasted any thought on this girl since about a year after the incident (so, ~9 years ago). I'm not as conflicted/stressed over my response as it may seem. Not that it really matters, but I just didn't want people thinking that I need to offer 'hollow forgiveness' (thanks, karee!) in order to find some peace with myself or with this girl. I've got peace up to my eyeballs with the situation, I just thought it would be an interesting topic.

Just so we're clear

By some of your definitions, I've already forgiven her - long ago - since I have completely moved on. By my definition, saying I forgive her would be the equivalent of saying: 'I no longer hold your actions against you in any way,' and that would be a lie. I'm not hung up on it or upset by it, but my opinion of her is distinctly colored by her actions, and her apology, though I appreciate the gesture and the effort behind it, does not change that for me.

Perhaps it would be different if she'd been a particularly close friend to start with. She never was. Just 'a friend.'


Thanks everyone for discussing this with me

it is indeed interesting.

By my definition, you have forgiven her, but you might feel that "moving on" from that experience is a more accurate description of your feelings. If you do respond to her, you might want to say something like the following:

Dear Ex-friend:
I received your email and I appreciate your apology. I have moved on from that situation many years ago. I hope you are in a better place in your life.

Sincerely,
Musey

ETA: You can also choose not to respond. It's completely your choice on how to handle this.

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/24/2009 2:11:47 AM
Author: musey
For whatever it's worth, here's my current 'draft'

(which I'm sure will sit for a couple of days then get shaved down to only the last two sentences):

It's taken a long time for me to decide what (if anything) to say to you. There are a lot of things I have wanted to say to you in the past, and it did take some time for me to stop thinking about the things you said to me... but I did. I haven't thought about you - or that conversation - in many years, thankfully.

I truly appreciate your effort to contact me, as well as your apology. I am glad to hear that you are in a better place now.

I just saw this, so I'm chiming in late but here's what I think.

I would never send this type of letter because it almost makes it sound like she affected your life much more than she did. You were a teenager, and although it hurt you immensely at the time, you moved on relatively quickly (well a year or so).

If anything, I would probably completely ignore, because I have very little tolerance for people who have hurt me in the past. I think with the Internet it is just so much easier to find people, thus making it even more easy to send an 'apology' email, without really having to work for it. Since you're not me, I would encourage you to just send the last line because essentially it says "Thanks for wishing me well, and for your apology. Glad to hear you're doing well...now let's leave it at that."

None of the: you hurt me, but I got over it, but I don't know if I can forigive you, maybe you deserve it, maybe you don't...etc.

 

[musey]

Thanks all for participating in the thread

I don''t have time to reply individually right now, and won''t be able to PS much (if at all) until next week. Just wanted to let you know in case someone posts expecting a response, and I don''t give a timely one!

 

[Rhea]

The thread may have moved on since I decided to post this. I haven''t totally caught up yet.

Do you need to answer the forgiveness question? I think acknowledging her letter and wishing her happiness in the future is plenty. There''s no reason to discuss or debate with her. I''m not trying to be rude, but considering how she treated you and how you feel/felt about it, she can read your response and pleasure that she''s in a better place in any way that she wants to.

 

[kama_s]

I''ve had two similar situations. The first was an ex-boyfriend from high school. He called me up randomly 5 years after we''d broken up (and by this time, I''d moved CONTINENTS! I have NO idea where he got my number from) to apologize for how big a jerk he was to me. Apparently he was trying to turn over a new leaf, and thought he best start by aplogizing to people he has wronged. I was first on his list. Mind you, it was close to 5 am when he called, and I was in quite a shock, so I didn''t get a chance to mull this over in my head...hence I spoke what I truly felt. I said:

"If a forgiveness is what it takes for you to move on and start afresh, then I will gladly say those words to you (I forgive you). I have to say, I am quite amazed that you''re (finally!) able to comprehend how you''ve wronged others, which in itself is a great achievement. I wish you all the best. "

He has tried to message me again via e-mail/facebook, but those attempts went unanswered.

The second time was with a friend. She e-mailed to apologize, but really, by that time I didn''t give two hoots! I, unfortunately, never replied. I often wonder if I should have. Honestly, she wasn''t worth my time....

I hope you''re able to figure out your course of action!

 

[musey]

Thanks (belatedly) for all your feedback on this one, everyone

I tried to copy the last two lines of that ''draft'' over to a message to her, but it just never felt right. I don''t know what my problem is. There are things I want to say (that I haven''t thought about it at all in years), yet if I include it, it feels too verbose. I know it seems like I''m spending too much energy on this, but really it''s only about 2 minutes then ''I give up.''

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for participating

it was really interesting to hear about everyone''s views on the subject. People are so different in how they handle these types of situations.

 

[Matata]

Musey,
Another approach would be to avoid the forgiveness issue and respond back that: you accept her apology, you''ve moved on and send good thoughts her way for a happy and healthy future.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/1/2009 12:39:11 PM
Author: Matata
Musey,

Another approach would be to avoid the forgiveness issue and respond back that: you accept her apology, you''ve moved on and send good thoughts her way for a happy and healthy future.

Thanks, Matata. The draft that I''d posted a page back is similar:
"I truly appreciate your effort to contact me, as well as your apology. I am glad to hear that you are in a better place now."

 

[Bia]

Date: 4/1/2009 12:58:06 PM
Author: musey

Thanks, Matata. The draft that I''d posted a page back is similar:
''I truly appreciate your effort to contact me, as well as your apology. I am glad to hear that you are in a better place now.''

 

[musey]

Date: 4/1/2009 12:59:53 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 4/1/2009 12:58:06 PM
Author: musey
Thanks, Matata. The draft that I'd posted a page back is similar:
'I truly appreciate your effort to contact me, as well as your apology. I am glad to hear that you are in a better place now.'

Hmm??