found my overwhelming bridal emotions...

[sumbride]

I know that being a bride is a very emotional thing... the whole life transition and such... but I always thought those bridezillas were, well, crazy.

Well, mark me down as crazy because I''m crying buckets over the email my brother just sent me.

I sent him a card last week asking very nicely for him to be our officiant (the internet ordination thing) because he''s meant so much to me in my life. We''re not religious and I thought it would be so much more personal than hiring a judge or some random person from the internet. He just said he''s thought about it but doesn''t feel right doing it and is declining my request.

My logical side knows he has every right to say no and that it was a lot to ask, but my bridal side is sobbing and so upset at this dissapointment.

I had this idea long before we were engaged and I''d just talked it up to myself and being the perfect thing and now that I can''t get my way I''m just so sad. I know we''re still getting married and all that, but not having this feels like "the end of the world" right now. I''m completely irrational. My mascara is all over my cheeks, and I doubt anyone else would ever understand how this one thing could be so huge! Nobody except my fellow brides, anyway.

Anybody understand? Have you had one thing just completely set you off yet?

 

[SoonIHope]

Sum, I''m so sorry, that is just heartbreaking!!!

I am seriously almost tearing up now just thinking about it! (Haha, yes, of course I AM another bride...

) Did he explain why he wouldn''t be comfortable doing it? If he''s religious or really shy or something like that, you''ll just have to find a way to accept it, but is it possible you could continue discussions with him, if he knew how much it would mean to you? Either way, I completely sympathize...we just spend soooo many hours visualizing every little aspect of our weddings and how it would be perfect if it were EXACTLY LIKE THIS that when something falls through, it''s devastating - ESPECIALLY when it''s regarding a relationship with a close family member/friend who you expect to want to go to the ends of the earth to make your wedding perfect for you. That said...you WILL find a perfect officiant for you, and do try not to take it personally that he said no!!!!! I''m sure it was hard for him to tell you that after reading your nice email because he knew he''d be letting you down, but don''t be tricked into thinking he loves you any less or anything like that!! For some bizarre reason, other people don''t seem to think our weddings are QUITE as earth shattering events as we do!

 

[sumbride]

From his email:
"I feel it is not my station to perform such a ceremony nor is it my right. I am not ordained, appointed or elected to such a position. If I were of such an authority (I.E. minister, judge or ship’s captain) through efforts of my own desire I would be proud and happy to perform the ceremony. That not being the case, I am not comfortable in such a situation."

So since it was my idea and not his, he doesn't feel comfortable with it I guess. He's a born performer... shyness isn't an issue. He proposed to his wife with a monologue in front of 100 people. Blew her mind. I have no doubt he'd be fantastic at this, but I respect that he doesn't want to do it. I just don't understand it. He's slightly more religious than I am (though certainly not overwhelmingly so) but I don't know if that's the issue or not. I don't think it is, and the Universal Life Church doesn't require any denouncing of faith or anything.

I'm hoping the door isn't closed on this entirely. It's still a year away. But it's just such a letdown. It's funny, I sent cards to my bridesmaids and they all happily said yes but I think I would have been less upset if they had said no because I'd understand it more. This I just don't get.

I have got to stop crying. I can't leave the office looking like this!

 

[decodelighted]

Oh that sucks! I'm so sorry you're feeling down about it! But, honestly, if someone asked ME ... no matter how close ... I don't think I could do it! I'm kinda shy sometimes (at weird times) and maybe your brother would be overly stressed about that kind of thing.

My brother is my "Dude of Honor" ... we're doing two readings that are kinda snarky love poems written in the 1st person TO a beloved ... we felt silly reading them ourselves so we thought it might be nice to DEDICATE them to each other & have the Dude of Honor read MINE to SWEETIE and have the BEST MAN read/dedicate HIS to ME.

Welllll. My brother said No. He's "not comfortable" either. And the "Best Man" just left his wife & kids, after CHEATING & getting CAUGHT btw! (I now refer to him as the "Man of Ill Repute"

) ...needless to say, he's not up for love poem reading right now - no matter HOW snarky/hip.

On to Plan B! Having someone that's super comfortable with "running the show" will probably make things MUCH smoother for you in the long run & be less stressful!!! Honestly!!

**HUGS**


ETA: OOOORRR ... ya know ... after reading his email ... seems like he'd feel like a fraud ... & if he did do it, might feel like you're not really "married" the rest of your life. You may be casual about it but I can tell that to him it's loaded with HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.

 

[jcrow]

oh, i''m sorry to hear that. he''s got to have good intentions in there somewhere, right? well just keep thinking that regardless and i''m sure you''ll pull through.

my breaking point was my invites. i spent months designing them, deliberating on which paper to choose and researching a printer to print them. well after a recommendation and him coming in as the low bidder, i happily sent over my artwork to have it printed. only to have him botch the job and tell me KNOW ONE WILL NOTICE!!!!! wtf?! so you mean to tell me what i do for a living doesn''t MATTER?
i know not in so many words, but that''s what i took from his stupid comment. i burst into tears as he told me he WOULDN''T reprint them! i was left with a month to find a new printer and have them redone. YUCK!

yep, point broken.

 

[Mara]

his email sounds sweet...sounds like he just feels like it's not something that HE should do and that it carries a lot of responsibility...which i agree with. can you give him a poem to read or something? frankly, if a member of my family (even one i adored) asked me to become internet ordained and marry them i'd be a little like 'WHAAA??' hehee. i can understand how you had your heart set on it though, crushed expectations are a hard thing especially when planning something like a wedding, but don't worry, you'll feel better in a few days and come up with plan B! hang in there!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 8/25/2006 6:00:27 PM
Author: Mara
frankly, if a member of my family (even one i adored) asked me to become internet ordained and marry them i''d be a little like ''WHAAA??'' hehee.

I''ve done it. I married my best best friend and her husband at their wedding. It was fun. I was very honored to be asked. It''s not a big deal...to me. It clearly is to your brother though...and there may not be much you can do about that except accept that...disappointing though it is.

 

[AmberWaves]

Sum, that just sucks! I was also trying to get a close friend to officiate, but FI isn''t comfortable with it, and thinks it would mean less. He was also raised catholic and has gone to/worked at catholic schools for about 18 years, so I guess he has a deeper connection to it than my lil'' agnostic ass. I''m so sorry! Things''ll work out, no worries!

 

[decodelighted]

Ya know ... I''m just the opposite of you guys (Amber & Sum) ... I feel like it doesn''t *count* if it''s someone you know! I seriously would rather have a Celebrity Impersonator in a funny costume speaking Swahili or something. That feels *official*. Regular old folks/friends/etc ---

And it HAS come up ... because we can''t find an officiant! Everyone around here is booked ''cause its a popular day ... Sweetie has two friends & an Aunt that are *already* whateverized to do the deed and I''M the one - like NO! Let''s KEEP LOOKING!!

Me thinks you might be *personalizing* this: HE doesn''t want to do this FOR ME. (From some of the things you said ... like "I wrote him a NICE letter" and "If it''s HIS idea its okay, but because it''s MINE" ... and mentioning that he did this big public proposal for his FIANCE but won''t do THIS for YOU) Sounds like ya might, might be working out some residual brother/sister tension here too. As my old therapist would say ... what does this FEELING remind you of ... when have you FELT this way BEFORE.

**MORE HUGS** I hope you don''t think I''m unsympathetic. I totally want you to feel better!!!

 

[robbie3982]

Awe, Sum, I''m so sorry! I really wanted my guy best friend to officiate our wedding. I thought it would be the perfect way to include him and I know he would''ve loved doing it, but FI is totally against it. He wants to have a religious ceremony (who would''ve guessed???). I was pretty upset until I thought of another way to include my friend. I''m going to have him be a chuppah holder along with some other male friends and a male cousin that I wanted to include.

Is there some other way that you could include your brother that he would be more comfortable with?

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 8/25/2006 6:34:23 PM
Author: decodelighted
Ya know ... I''m just the opposite of you guys (Amber & Sum) ... I feel like it doesn''t *count* if it''s someone you know! I seriously would rather have a Celebrity Impersonator in a funny costume speaking Swahili or something. That feels *official*. Regular old folks/friends/etc ---

And it HAS come up ... because we can''t find an officiant! Everyone around here is booked ''cause its a popular day ... Sweetie has two friends & an Aunt that are *already* whateverized to do the deed and I''M the one - like NO! Let''s KEEP LOOKING!!

Me thinks you might be *personalizing* this: HE doesn''t want to do this FOR ME. (From some of the things you said ... like ''I wrote him a NICE letter'' and ''If it''s HIS idea its okay, but because it''s MINE'' ... and mentioning that he did this big public proposal for his FIANCE but won''t do THIS for YOU) Sounds like ya might, might be working out some residual brother/sister tension here too. As my old therapist would say ... what does this FEELING remind you of ... when have you FELT this way BEFORE.

**MORE HUGS** I hope you don''t think I''m unsympathetic. I totally want you to feel better!!!

I''m sorry too Sumbride! But I agree with Deco... FI''s nephew could have married us-- but it just seemed... fake that way. So I have no qualms about booking in DC... cause I don''t want him to do it anyway. I''m sorry though, because I know it''s something you really wanted, you even mentioned it when I asked you if you would consider a DC venue. ((HUGS)).

 

[sumbride]

Thanks everyone. You''re all right in that it obviously means more to him than I can understand and that it''s ok for him to not want to do it, and that it completely sucks too!

My FI is trying to reason with me about it... says he understands and that he''ll make him a groomsman... and that he''s never been to a wedding where the couple knew the officiant... that it''s normal. And yeah, that''s true, it is normal... just not what I want. He doesn''t get just why it was so important to me or why I''ve spent about 3 hours crying over it. Says he doubts my brother would think I could get this upset over it either. And Deco, there may be some personalization to it... it does sort of feel like he''s letting me down... that whole "my big brother will do anything for me" dream is dying I guess.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/25/2006 8:32:52 PM
Author: sumbride
'my big brother will do anything for me' dream is dying I guess.

Well ... weddings do mark a kind of seperation from your birth family & subsequent "cleaving to" aka starting your own NEW family. Maybe the DEPTH of your emotion about this one aspect of the ceremony is mixed in with wanting the "approval" of your brother .. making him part of the ceremony & thus part of your "relationship".

I'm an oldest child ... so I don't really expect much from my siblings .. yet seemingly much is expected of me. I've always been there, given advice, etc etc ... so it's a little taken foregranted I'd say. They don't realize that I don't HAVE a big brother, a big sister or anyone to play that role for me. I'm kinda - on my own - in that way. (My parents are another story

)

It's been hard for me to set limits but it HAS to happen to maintain SANITY. Sure it's a wish for your big brother to "do anything for you" ... but its not a realistic adult expectation. He has his own family ... you'll have yours ... things ARE changing. But for everything you LOSE, honestly, you gain SO MUCH MORE. Nieces, nephews, a different adult relationship & dynamics. It's perfectly natural to mourn what you're losing & to feel let down when someone or something doesn't meet your expectations. I hope you're distracted with FUN wedding planning stuff ASAP!

 

[sumbride]

Deco -

I think you''ve helped me sort this all out! Thank you! When I look at it like that, it makes more sense to me... I understand why I''m so upset when I look at it like a separation of the family, but that''s what it is. I''m glad I''ll have my new family. My FI has been very supportive and comforting even if he didn''t get it. When I explained it more like this, he got it.

My brother has always been the one I was bonded with in my family and this was probably the first time he''s ever said no to something I asked... and I don''t mean it to sound like I''m some princess that asks for everything, I don''t. But it just really surprised me that he didn''t think it was as good an idea as I did... we''ve always been sort of parallel thinkers. His wife was shocked once when we had a conversation of 3 sentences that resulted in me giving him furniture that he wanted as if it were my idea because I thought it made as much sense as he did. But this is a departure in that, and I have to respect his wishes.

Of course now we''ll have to make room in the budget for the officiant fee.

Sum

 

[decodelighted]

AWESOME!!!

I''m so happy to hear that my "perspective" helped ya even a wee bit! I was very concerned about perhaps being too frank or too "tough love" when you were feeling low ... but just had to go with my hunch & take the risk that it actually would "click". I''m RELIEVED truly!

And glad that you''re feeling better about the issue! There so much euphoria ahead in the planning process .. and, I''m sure, more bumps. Perhaps getting past the first "breaking point" will also show ya that you can ride these waves & come up MARRIED!

 

[Mara]

deco you are SO SMART. you should be like dr. deco. on oprah.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/27/2006 1:25:21 PM
Author: Mara
deco you are SO SMART. you should be like dr. deco. on oprah.

Hee! Thanks Mara. It would be a QUITE limited series I'm afraid -- 'cause I'm only the least bit "smart" about stuff very like stuff that's happened to me!

 

[sumbride]

Hey SDL -

Thanks. I do feel the hugs here, virtual though they may be. His message does sound a bit formal... I think he was trying to make his point without leaving room for me to go "but.. but... but...." I imagine he probably worked on it for a long time. It was probably hard for him to write, so he went formal... I don''t feel like it comes from his heart... it''s not his voice. I think it came from his brain. Maybe his heart and his brain were dueling this one out and he went with his brain, but I, of course, wish he''d trusted his heart. But then, that''s what I do.

FI and I were talking about our alternatives now and I''m realizing it will probably have to be a judge, as there aren''t many ministers in the bible belt that we can convince to not use the word "God". It''s been interesting to note the sentiments of people who feel it wouldn''t be real if it were someone they knew, but I still feel the opposite. I''m thinking it would feel forced when we have to give the officiant a script.

 

[TBeck2000]

I can see where your brother is coming from. If he had previously made the choice to place himself in the position of authority over others, then he would be fine doing it. Since he didn''t do that, he doesn''t want to take on the responsibility just for this occasion. It would seem like he is being fake or something.

My best friend is a minister and somebody he knows asked him to officiate their wedding. After a consultation with the couple, my friend told them that he would not be comfortable marrying them. He views performing a marriage as a huge responsibility. In his opinion, the pastor is placed in a position of accountability for their walk in Christian faith. Since my friend had never seen these people at church, he was not comfortable calling them sheep from his flock. They would not say in simple terms whether they were Christian or not. They also told him that they had no intentions on being regular attendees of weekly services. That pretty much sealed the deal. They haven''t talked to him since... The wedding was lovely with the groom''s parents presiding over the ceremony (they must have done the internet thing). A lot of people there thought it was a very touching ceremony.