Friday''s food for thought, courtesy of Salon

[katamari]

I just read this "Since You Asked" over at Salon and wondered what you all think about it. It is a different take on a relatively common BWW issue.

Here''s a snippet of the question. Follow the link for the rest and the response:

Dear Cary,

I was asked by a dear friend to be her maid of honor. I was immediately a little worried. I''m not into traditional wedding fanfare. I''m kind of like the stereotypical guy in that respect: Tell me where to go and what to do, and I''ll do it. Plus, the wedding has been on a rushed schedule at a time when I have a lot going on in my life too. Add to that the fact that the bride and I have been drifting ever since she met her fiancé, about a year ago. The two are inseparable and not that social; I''ve just naturally spent more time with other company. Maybe my biggest mistake was not expressing my concerns when I was first asked. But I''ve been a maid of honor before and it''s gone fine, and I imagined this would be the same.

You can see the train wreck coming. Fast-forward to a month before the wedding: I get a scathing e-mail from the groom without the knowledge of my friend (I''m certain she did not know), stating that it''s time to "talk to me about my role as maid of honor" and maligning me for my many failures in the role. The e-mail was snide and contemptuous, questioned my values, and accused me of being "irresponsible," "unaccountable," "selfish," of "not caring" and not being true to my "compassionate progressive values." He said I misunderstood or underestimated the role, and that he couldn''t understand my lack of involvement or inquiries about the wedding planning. He ended by saying he had no faith that I''d show up for rehearsal and that he didn''t care anyway.

. . .

 

[elrohwen]

The end of that column, the update part, was so sad! It's truly awful how some people react when things are wedding related. The girl asking for advice seems to want to remain friends, but in her position, I would drop the bridezilla and never look back. Friendships are like relationships - when we're young, we're more likely to give it another shot and try to fix things. The older we get, the more we're willing to cut and run when someone turns out to be toxic. I hope the girl writing in realizes that this person (and her husband) are toxic and she's better off without them.

I also think things like this say a lot about our culture and society and how we view weddings. Enough girls have posted with similar stories here and it's so sad that these things are so common. It's just ridiculous behavior! I would guess that just 20 years ago this kind of thing wasn't common at all, but maybe it was and we just didn't have reality tv to show it to us every week. It's sad though. Girls need to realize that their wedding will never be as important to others as it is to them and just get over it already.

ETA: I didn't even touch on the fact that this column was more about a groomzilla than a bridezilla, for the most part. I pity the poor girl who married him; he doesn't sound like a very nice person.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

He had no business getting involved...but I have a sneaking suspicion that the "friend" wasn''t totally blind to it either...

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I think that brides need to consider the MOH pov more often... Bridal party members aren''t slaves. It seems, on the surface, that this particular MOH did make a worthwhile contribution to this wedding. I do wonder, however, if she wasn''t telling the whole truth. Or maybe what I really wonder is what the bride''s opinion was of the MOH. Obviously *something* happened that set off the engaged couple, ya know?

I also have a hard time believing that the groom sent that e-mail without the bride knowing. Perhaps the ex-MOH is in denial and doesn''t want to admit that her friend could be so upset and angry. If my fiance ever sent a nasty e-mail to a bridesmaid without my knowing, I''d be FURIOUS! The only thing that would motivate a groom to compose such an e-mail in the first place, is if his bride has whined and complained about the said bridesmaid.

 

[katamari]

elrohwen, I was also really, really sad for the ex-MOH--and also because so much of the bride''s anger seemed to stem from the ex-MOH not meeting consumer expectations. And, like italia and PilsnPinkys, I also doubt the bride was so unaware--or, if she was, it was only because the groom had listened to more than an earful of her b*%$&ing about ex-MOH and took some action.

The reason I posted this link was because I always wonder when people post on here about kicking out a BM or being kicked out as a bridesmaid had a clear and open discussion about expectations. Not always, but I think in this case the ex-MOH would have been willing to do more had she just known more was expected of her. There have been some really outlandish BM behavior posted about, and that is obviously not what I am talking about, but I do wonder how often the BM or the MOH is upsetting the bride just because they have different expectations about the role, or that, when the expectations are discussed it is done passively or passive aggressively and all is lost.

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I get the feeling that the bride whined to her finance (driving him crazy), but didn''t have the backbone to discuss it one-on-one with her MOH.

In my opinion, the groom was way out of line. However, if the bride did not specifically outline her "requests" of her MOH, or offer her help or suggestions, then it''s her own fault. The MOH can''t do everything on her own.