Friend with LIWitis

[somedaysunday]

Scenario:

Friend has been with unmotivated BF for 2+ years. She has rampant LIWitis.

Friend introduced me to my BF (her good friend) >1 year ago. We seem to be on a fast track.

As she introduced us, she has always been there for me and been interested in our relationship. I just told her about some "progress" that I made in the LIW department, and she looked like she had been punched. It didn't even occur to me beforehand that I should not tell her this (or anything).

Question: Am I supposed to not tell her about the plans BF and I are making? I don't know which is worse - telling her, or keeping information from her that I would normally call her squealing about. I feel really bad now.



SS

 

[Banyan]

I've been in a situation somewhat similar to your friend's. My friend was moving along faster in her relationship than I was. I was happy for her, but couldn't help feeling jealous too. Personally, it was less traumatic when she finally got engaged because I'd been getting the "updates" along the way.
I suggest keeping your friend informed, but just try not to talk about it all the time. She'd probably be more hurt if you hid things from her and then came out of nowhere one day blinding her with an engagement ring.

 

[somedaysunday]

GREAT POINT.

You are right - I have been mindlessly waxing on about him. Mostly b/c she's responsible for us being together and has been incredibly encouraging.

I will stop mentioning it all the time - AND responding in detail to her when she mentions it (which is, oddly, often).


Thanks!

 

[Banyan]

Haha yeah I bet she asks about it a lot. You want to hear about the exciting stuff going on in your friends' lives. Especially when it's something you want to be going through too. You sort of get to live through them, even if it's torturing you at the same time.

 

[gem_anemone]

My best friend of 20 years and I used to joke about how we were never getting married. Well out of the blue one day I confessed to her that I changed my mind and wanted to get married. At the time we were both in relationships with guys we had each been dating for about a year. Well not even a month later she got engaged. I know what happened between my best friend and her now husband had nothing to do with my confession, but at the time I couldn't help but be a little jealous that the second I finally admitted to her I wanted to get married that she got engaged. We are best friends so of course I was never angry with her and in fact I was super happy for her! Hopefully your friend will understand as I did.

I agree with cutting back the engagement marriage talk with her, but don't NOT mention it. She would definitely be blindsided by a ring and possibly hurt if you didn't mention that things were headed in that direction.

 

[Amys Bling]

GREAT POINT.

You are right - I have been mindlessly waxing on about him. Mostly b/c she's responsible for us being together and has been incredibly encouraging.

I will stop mentioning it all the time - AND responding in detail to her when she mentions it (which is, oddly, often).


Thanks!

agreed. But also keep in mind that it coming from a hurt (because she wants her BF to propose to her) and jealous place. I believe that she is happy for your, but unhappy for herself. Think if the roles were reversed. Just talk about it a little less.... and be sensitive to where she is and where she wants to be in her relationship.

 

[somedaysunday]

For those that have been in this position before...

Should I acknowledge these feelings that I know she is having? I'm not sure if it is more unkind to point it out and talk about it, or if it would be better to not acknowledge it at all, and just do my part to not shove it in her face.

What do you think?

 

[maebelle]

Should I acknowledge these feelings that I know she is having? I'm not sure if it is more unkind to point it out and talk about it, or if it would be better to not acknowledge it at all, and just do my part to not shove it in her face.

I think it'll be enough to talk about your progress(but not too much), and go into talking about how she feels/how far she is if she brings it up. Not many people know how much I want a ring *now*, but we've been dating longer than most of the married/engaged couples we know. Nothing frustrates me further than when someone who hasn't been dating as long as SO and I have gets engaged and then in a conversation with me says: "Oh, don't worry, you'll get to where I am soon" or "Soon it'll be your day!". It may be irrational, but even if I know the person has the best intentions (and they don't always) I want to tell them off ala "Thanks so much for reassuring me, oh queen-of-the-now-engaged, please give me tips on how to make engagement chicken/ give an ultimatum / otherwise make this proposal happen because I'm desperate"

 

[somedaysunday]

"Oh, don't worry, you'll get to where I am soon" or "Soon it'll be your day!".

Oh, God - I HATE HATE HATE that. My friend just married one of the worst guys I've ever met, and the whole time she kept giving me the "hang in there" speech. It was infuriating.

Yes - I would NEVER ever ever want to sound like that.


ever.

 

[maebelle]

lol, Glad I'm not the only one!