friends and your engagement?

[larussel03]

Hi,

Most of my friends are happy when good things happen for/to thier friends, as I am happy when they get that promotion they want, get engaged or get whatever it was they were looking for. That''s normally what makes people friends, supporting each other and being happy for one another as well as enjoying each other''s company.

I have this one friend who everytime a good friend of her''s gets engaged she is never happy for them and talks on and on about the mistake they''re making, or how they''re only getting married because they''re ''dependant'', or what ''bridezillas'' they''re being. She''s just unhappy with her life and herself and is unable to be happy for anyone else. If she''s jealous over anything, she usually ends up being mean to the person who has what she wants, esp if she''s had a few drinks (I know this firsthand). Then she''ll say that she''s sorry and that her insecurity makes her act that way, yet she always does it.

Well, I''m going to be getting engaged most likely within the next 6 months and I am concerned that she will have this reaction to me. I know she''s just like that, but she used to be one of my best friends (maybe still, but she''s just in this funk that keeps getting worse and nothing I do helps, she just gets mad at me for being ''perfect'', which I am definately NOT), but is just getting worse in her misery, and I''m almost scared to tell her when I get engaged...not that she''ll impact it at all, but it''s the whole rain on my parade type thing...I guess I shouldn''t care but it''s hard to have a friend who gets upset when good things happen to you b/c you want your friends to be happy, not jealous and upset over it...

anyone have any experiences with dealing with this type of situation?

 

[appletini]

This "friend" doesn''t sound like a good friend at all. Don''t worry about her reaction. If she is less than thrilled for you, then she has shown her true colors and I''m sure that you many other wonderful friends who are much more worthy of your time. Perhaps you should start slowly phasing her out of your life if she is going to be a jealous brat. Misery loves company, and you don''t anyone to rain on your parade.

Best of luck!

 

[icekid]

I agree with appletini- if you have friends like that, who needs enemies? It doesn''t sound like there''s anything you can do to help her out of whatever funk she is in. I prefer to surround myself with people who are happy for me when I am happy. Who needs the extra stress and negativity?

 

[snuga]

I definitely don''t think that she sounds like someone who you should be giving the time of day. It sounds like she is unhappy in her life and takes it out on people who are actually *happy*. Don''t let her ruin what should be one of the best times in your life!

 

[bravesfan]

I think you should tell her when you get engaged... if she was a true friend she would be happy for you... after all its something that is important to you and as a friend she should see that. If she doesnt put your feelings before her own jealous attitude then maybe you are better off with out her. Good Luck!!

 

[kisses2go]

If she is any kind of friend she''ll be happy for you. If not she''ll get over it. Try including her in a few things so that she''s not left out ya know what i mean...Does she have someone special in her life? Could be the problem...As for jealousy, thats one of the main things that i see as she want everyone all to herself..you are her property..so on so on..but give it time..include her..tell her that even with you getting married doesnt mean that your friendship has to stop..you''ll need her shoulder one day(maybe) so just let her know that marriage doesnt mean the end of friendship! Good Luck!!!
~kisses2go~

 

[squeaksluv]

I have a friend who sounds a lot like your friend except her misery was all about her not being engaged (although she just got engaged this weekend).

Your friend seems to be so self consumed in her own misery she can''t be happy for anyone else. I would feel sorry for her more than anything else. There are people out there that I really think are most happy when they''re unhappy. If she is awful to you when you get engaged I would say something like ''I''m so sorry you can''t be happy for me for you should know how much this means to me'' and leave it at that. If she is a true friend she''ll recognized what a b*tch she is and make ammends. Maybe it''ll also wake her up to the fact that she is deep down a very unhappy person.

But first and foremost do NOT let her bring you down!!!! Talk to friends who will be happy for you, they''re the ones you''ll want to surround yourself with.

 

[Caribou]

Your friend should not express her unhappiness for her friends because she''s miserable....that''s not fair to all you. Does she maybe make the nasty comments to you instead of making them to the people she''s talking about? Or is she out right nasty to everyone? I think it''s a little normal to be jealous when it seems you''re friends are getting what you want...you start thinking ''what''s wrong with me?'' ''Why can''t I have that?'' I mean, I''m the last of my female friends to get engaged (which I''m not yet) and married....it''s been very frustrating but I''m still happy for them. It would be wrong if I wasn''t.

 

[Croí]

this is a subject very sorely close to my heart. I had a girlfriend whom I considered my best friend. we were friends for eight years. when I first met her I was in a long-term relationship. when it ended, I was devastated. I fully admit that I was not easy to be around during that time but I did try very hard not to be upset and whatnot all of the time. she remained friends with my ex. then, months and months later, I''d hear that he had been out with ''the gang'' and crashed at her place (he would tell me this, she would never mention it). I tried to explain to her how I couldn''t understand that and how it made me feel weird about where OUR friendship stood. she didn''t seem to think my feelings on the matter had merit - he wasn''t my bf anymore. I agree with that but that was not my issue, my issue was our friendship, I didn''t care if something was going on, but it really hurt to hear things from him and be feeling like an idiot because my ''best'' friend didn''t tell me herself.
................ anyway, I met my honey then and was very excited and happy and whatnot. I tried to intro him to my best pal and ''the gang'' but they wanted no part of it. I took a step back, thinking they needed time to adjust to my being with someone new. I tried everything I could to make it ''easy'' on her and them. We were to go to her brother''s 40th birthday party and then she sent me an e-mail saying "it has been discussed and it''s best if you don''t come" and that was the last I ever heard from her .......

I got engaged and got married and only one person from the group of people whom I had considered my good friends for years, even acknowledged it.

so it''s hard. some people simply cannot take change and can REALLY bring you down if you let them.

I suggest you do as the others said and tell your friend that this is the most wonderful time in your life and if she cannot be happy for you, then you cannot spend time with her as you used to. I wasted a LOT of time and energy (and emotion) trying to get my friend to want to be part of my life with my new and wonderful guy. It took an e-mail full of harsh words for me to realise that she wanted no part of us, no part of me, anymore.

That was a year and a half ago, the e-mail, and the whole thing still really makes me sad and upset ........ so I have to just not think of it. Don''t set yourself up for this hurt, if you already know that this girl is going to be negative and nasty, then my advice is just steer clear of her. Tell her, plain and simple, that you are HAPPY and want to be around folk who are happy for your happiness - those are real friends.

on a side note:
Caribou wisely mentioned how it''s hard to be still ''waiting'' while others all round you get engaged and married and buy their homes and start their families. I went through that too. My younger sisters (and almost all of my friends) got married before me. My ''little'' sis has a son who will be six (!!) tomorrow .... so I understand that and it IS hard. You have to just grin and bear it and honestly be happy for your friend or family member who is where you want to be and getting what you are long-time wishing for.

I wish you lots of luck with this. Please let us know how it all turns out.
*hug*
C