Friendship on the rocks - please help! (Warning: LONG)

[Keepingthefaith21]

Okay ladies, I really need some advice here…

I have a friend who I’ve been friends with for over 25 years. We grew up together and have had our share of ups and downs but have always found a way to remain friends. Historically this girl has never been able to adequately juggle friendships with relationships. She definitely operates on convenience as opposed to going out of her way to perpetuate most friendships. Although we are over an hour apart, when she does not have a boyfriend she is more than eager to come to my house or to plan to see each other in her hometown for assorted parties or even just to have a girls day.

When I told her my FFI and I had set our wedding date her reaction was less than stellar. For those of you who are not familiar with my FFI and I, we have been notorious for doing things out of order. We have absolutely gone against the norm with our relationship but it has worked for us. So, there was very little surprise when we announced we had set a date while he is still working on getting a ring. For the record, I am of the opinion that we don’t even need a ring to get engaged so even if I was to never get a ring, I would not be devastated. If anything the ring “pressure” is something my FFI put on himself. So when she started to refer to my future wedding date as a “situation” I was a little offended.

Since I told her what is going on (via text message because she never returns my calls) she has been completely unresponsive to anything related to my life. I have invited her to our yearly end of the summer party that we have where we invite 50+ guests. She hasn’t responded to my requests to go to the Running of the Brides Event in August to look at dresses. Basically it’s as if I don’t exist unless it is convenient for her and her boyfriend. While I am sure a bit of this is jealousy related, I am terribly upset that after a year with her SO she is still UNABLE to find a way to balance her friendships with her relationship. Hell, I even invited her to a July 5th party at my parents house and told her he could come and within two days she had sent a text saying his mother invited them down to the Cape so they wouldn’t’ make it. Note this was after she accepted the invite extended to her from me first.

I am SO TIRED of her boyfriend coming before EVERYTHING else. I was patient during the honeymoon period but it’s been over a year. I have decided that unless we can resolve this issue she can not be in my wedding and especially can not be the MOH. I have been putting up with this for over a year now. I feel done. My question is whether or not I bother to tell her how I am feeling. I know the moment I try to talk to her she is going to get defensive. If I write a letter there is a risk of her misinterpreting something. But good luck to me trying to pin her down for a visit so I can communicate these things with her! Some people have suggested I call, some have suggested a letter, and some have suggested I do nothing at all and just invite her to the wedding as a guest and let her “figure it out”. I really feel like after all these years she deserves an explanation as to how I am feeling…even if it is risky that she will get so defensive she will shut me out. I guess I am being selfish in the sense that I want her to understand where I am coming from so she can not say I never gave her a chance.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. Do I continue to ignore this behavior? Do I try to talk to her?

If you were in my position, what would you do?

 

[KCCutie]

KTF-

I''m sorry you''re having to even make this decision, but I say if you have been freinds for that long you owe her a chance.

Sadly I think I did the same thing to one of my BFFs when my SO and I started dating and lucky for me she was super understanding and supportive. It never got to the point where she had to sit me down and say...."I miss my friend" which I think is what you''re feeling, but if she had I''m pretty sure that would have snapped me right out of it.

I can tell you really care about this friendship and I think it''s worth it to give her a chance. Right now she''s oblivious to her one-sided actions b/c she''s in love. I think if you have a nice talk with her it might just open her eyes. However if you have this talk and nothing changes...then it might be time to take a step back.

 

[Lauren8211]

I don''t know if this is the right way to do things or not, but I am from the school of "Run it into the ground." Meaning that I try everything in my power to make something work before I give up. I would explain to her how you''re feeling -- at that point, if she doesnt change, you''ve done everything that you can. At that point, and ONLY that point, can I ever really move on. Once you''ve said how you feel, the ball is in her court.

You can''t have a relationship where you''re afraid to talk (I currently have that with my BFF of 15 years, and we''re slowly drifting away). Yes, she''ll get defensive, but she can''t get "mad" that you have feelings. Maybe after she gets defensive, she can think it out on her own, and realize what you meant, and work on it.

Just don''t slowly let her out of your life. You''ve been friends that long, she deserves an explanation, and a chance to make it right if she wants.

My $.02

Good Luck!

 

[Anna0499]

First, I''m sorry your friendship becomes one-sided when she has a SO - don''t mean to be rude but it sounds like she has a dysfunctional need to isolate herself from everyone else and literally make her SO her life = very unhealthy. Secondly, I think most everyone can relate to having a friend like her in their lives. I definitely have a friend like yours; i.e. great when she''s single but distant and impossible to get ahold of or get together with when she''s in a relationship. It''s super annoying and I try not to become very close to that type of person because you never know if they will be there for you when you need them. If I were you I would definitely communicate my feelings to her, probably in written form so she can digest it and then respond instead of a face-to-face meeting because it might turn confrontational. I would cite specific examples of how her behavior changes when she has a SO and include how it makes me feel when she blows me off for her SO. I would also include an intention to continue the friendship, but if it''s going to be one-sided then just be a casual friend/acquaintence. I would certainly not make her my MOH who has responsibilities to the bride and wedding because she sounds too wrapped up in her own little "Me & My SO" world to fully carry out her duties. Depending on her response, you might still be able to include her as a bridesmaid to help the MOH (although that might be lacking as well). That is just what I would do - holding it in will not benefit anyone - you will become more frustrated, probably lose an old friend, and she will be oblivious to how her actions affect you (and probably others). Good luck!

 

[fieryred33143]

I have a friend exactly like this. She''s gotten better with balancing her relationship and friendships but she''s very selfish. Whenever I would try to talk to her about something going on in my relationship, her immediate response is "really that sucks, its just like what happened to us" and 3 hours later I''m consoling her about her problems. It''s mega annoying. And I did the exact same thing...I told her about setting a wedding date and her first response was "you don''t even have a ring yet LOL" Whatever

Over the years I have come to learn that people have certain roles in your life and you have roles in theirs. I''m her shoulder and the person she runs to when she needs something. She''s the person I call to go to the movies with or when I want to hang out with a female. I don''t expect anything more from her. It sounds like your friend is just someone you have some cool memories with and someone you can catch up with every once in a while. If I were you, I wouldn''t expect anything more.

 

[gwendolyn]

Oh, honey. I have a friend who sound quite similar to yours, and it is so incredibly frustrating to constantly go out of your way to try to be understanding for her, but when it comes time to ask her to share in your joy, she comes up short. It hurts, especially when it''s someone who you''ve known so long it''s practically like she''s family.

The thing is that she''s *always* been about her. She dropped off the fact of the earth when she had boyfriends before, right? This is no different, except that maybe you''re asking more of her now (while she''s with the boyfriend) than you have before when she''s had a boyfriend.

Someone (no idea who) once said that crazy is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. For her, she doesn''t seem to be able to balance relationships (romantic and platonic) very well. This will not change. She has been this way for the 25 years you''ve known her, which I''m betting is a pretty large majority of her life. She will not change because, no matter how much fun it may be, doing wedding stuff with you is "non-boyfriend time," which is how people like her (in my experience) tend to see things. Boyfriend time = good!, non-boyfriend time = bad. Simplistic, and probably rather rude to any codependent types out there, but I *really* don''t have patience for people who drop off the planet for YEARS because they have to live off the air exhaled from their snugglemuffin. Vomit.

Although I don''t have hope that talking to her will change anything, I do think you should do it. I did--it did nothing except give me the peace of mind that I tried. I think anytime a friendship turns into a one-way street, it''s our responsibility to speak up and ask what''s going on--just like in a romantic relationship, I think it''s fair to communicate and ask what you need in platonic relationships too, otherwise you end up carrying around a lot of "friends" who are that in name only.

I''m sorry you''re going through this. You deserve to be surrounded by people who will enhance your happiness, not diminish it. Sending out lots of hugs and positive vibes your way, m''dear.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 7/3/2008 11:51:20 AM
Author: IndyGirl22
First, I''m sorry your friendship becomes one-sided when she has a SO - don''t mean to be rude but it sounds like she has a dysfunctional need to isolate herself from everyone else and literally make her SO her life = very unhealthy.

Not rude by any strech - more like dead on! She''s done this her whole life with men. All relationships become her life. I understand people tend to focus on their SO''s when they first start dating. I know I have done this before but after a year I think you should be comfortable enough with your relationship to occasionally put a friendship before it or least equal to it. Trust me, I am not that demanding of a friend!

I really do want to give her a chance to understand what she is doing by being forthright with her. Part of my worry is that she will become so defensive she will shut down and what I have to say will become meaningless. I don''t want that to happen but I feel like there is almost no way to avoid it.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:51:31 PM
Author: Keepingthefaith21

Not rude by any strech - more like dead on! She''s done this her whole life with men. All relationships become her life. I understand people tend to focus on their SO''s when they first start dating. I know I have done this before but after a year I think you should be comfortable enough with your relationship to occasionally put a friendship before it or least equal to it. Trust me, I am not that demanding of a friend!

I really do want to give her a chance to understand what she is doing by being forthright with her. Part of my worry is that she will become so defensive she will shut down and what I have to say will become meaningless. I don''t want that to happen but I feel like there is almost no way to avoid it.

I don''t mean to jinx your friend''s relationship but my similar friend always ends up single again because she makes her entire life her SO and can''t cope with any changes and actually loses herself in the process. When they break up, it''s up to us to pick up the pieces and it''s almost like she has to relearn how to have a life! Hopefully your friend''s relationship works out. I think your gut instinct is correct. Even though it will make both parties involved uncomfortable for the moment, I think you will not only be voicing your own feeling about her isolation, but also probably the opinions of many others in her life. If you think she will shut down I would suggest a well-thought-out letter so that she can read it at her own pace and consider each paragraph/sentence/even word separately and try to understand what you are trying to tell her. I hope it works out, she sounds like someone you care about very much.

 

[meresal]

Everyone has/had one of these friends... I was going thru the same thing, except I moved 3 hrs away and she has yet to visit me. I could have let myself agonize over it, but I decided not to.

Here''s where you have to be honest with yourself. Has your friend ALWAYS been like this with relationships? If she has, like my friend had, I realized that I had no right to be mad at her for something she has always been. It never bothered me before, so why would she think that she was doing anything wrong. It comes down to whether or not you think that the relationship is worth fighting for. I am the one that always has to call, and make time to hang out when I am home in our same city; and when that day comes, and I''m sure it will, when I feel like I''m tired of putting forth the effort, then our friendship will fade. It''s a reality.

My main complaint, with your story, is how she is reacting to your engagement. Simple and plain, she''s jealous, and it sounds like you cherish the relationship with her much more than she does the one with you. That is a horrible way to react, and honestly she sounds like a 13 yr old.

This will continue ALL thru planning, and bridal showers, and bachelorette parties. Can you handle her calling and canceling the minute she has a better offer, or waiting to order her dress until the very last minute, just to get under your skin?

 

[decodelighted]

I *kinda* think, as you suspect, that a "talk" isn''t going to do too much good. It''s who she IS. It''s HOW she is. She''s not going to change under threat of not being in your bridal party. You can''t bribe or bully someone into being a better friend.

Knowing what you know ... I would NOT have her in my bridal party. Its not just an "honor" its a RESPONSIBILITY. You HIRE for the role like you would a job. She doesn''t qualify. She hasn''t shown herself to be selfless or dependable enough & if she asks why just tell her. You can''t count on her historically. You really need to be able to call on your bridal party and she hasn''t been there when you needed her for the past year or however long.

Seniority doesn''t trump MUTUALITY.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 7/3/2008 1:12:03 PM
Author: decodelighted
I *kinda* think, as you suspect, that a ''talk'' isn''t going to do too much good. It''s who she IS. It''s HOW she is. She''s not going to change under threat of not being in your bridal party. You can''t bribe or bully someone into being a better friend.

Knowing what you know ... I would NOT have her in my bridal party. Its not just an ''honor'' its a RESPONSIBILITY. You HIRE for the role like you would a job. She doesn''t qualify. She hasn''t shown herself to be selfless or dependable enough & if she asks why just tell her. You can''t count on her historically. You really need to be able to call on your bridal party and she hasn''t been there when you needed her for the past year or however long.

Seniority doesn''t trump MUTUALITY.

agree 100%

 

[dreaming of the day]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I also think you should approach your friend and just tell her that you miss her, who can defend that? Life happens and we have all been in the place that we let friendships slide because we are so in love with our new partner, but those feelings last longer for some than others. Really it is just that you miss her, and she is not feeling the same "missing" feelings because she has her head in clouds in love! Just tell her you miss her, and if she is a good friend she will respond to that. You may have to remind her every once in a while, and I am sure she will slip up and forget to call or cancel plans again, but good, honest friends are not always easy to come by - so hang on, have patience, and let this ride its course. Also you are right, she may be jelous that she isn''t getting married yet, especially when she is so in love and your relationship is so uncoventional - she most likely thinks it isnt fair. She may be trying to distance herself a little bit but I am sure when she finds out how much you miss her, she will forget all about it and come around.

 

[tberube]

Well, sweetie...you obvs. know my opinion since you are one of my good friends and you are ever so gracious enough to take my honesty in stride. Heh. But I'll say it again because I can't pass up responding to your post:

I have been in a situation with a close friend of 10 years, where her borderline abusive behavior toward our friendship had been hurting me for so long that I was forced to face it. And when I did, she ended the friendship because she was unable to admit to herself that she was in the wrong. Unfortunately, I am not the kind of person who can handle confrontation so our "talk" happened in letters form. I would never have been able to say the things I desperately needed to say in person, so I wrote them to get them out clearly and eloquently. But perhaps you have the gonads to tell her in real time, and if so I think that's always the best way.

But either way I strongly believe that something needs to be said here. She has not been supportive of you or your decisions in life, probably partly out of jealousy (because why else would she be negative about your picking a wedding date with the love of your life?...there's absolutely NOTHING negative about that!). She has been neglectful of your needs as a friend (i.e. when you call upset and she responds two days later, with a text message), and has otherwise done little to nurture anything meaningful in your relationship. In my experience I have learned that sometimes friendships run their course, like all other forms of relationships, and they end.

I do sincerely hope that there will be a way for you to patch things up with your friend, for your sake. It is sad to have to let go of friends that you've known for so long (I still mourn my own "break up" sometimes, even though it was for the best). But maybe if you do go your separate ways, it will result in your leaving a space for another friend to fill (similar to the way you did for me), and maybe the same will go for your friend as well.

Either way, she should not be your MOH!!

 

[goodfun7580]

I'm sorry you're going through this! If I were in your situation, I probably wouldn't do or say anything to her. Saying something would probably only make her defensive and pissed off, and a change from that would be a miracle. Maybe after 25 years you are growing apart, and thats ok. Some friendships do not last forever, and others have ebbs and flows. If you really do want to continue the friendship, don't expect much out of her, as Dr. Phil says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Don't ask her to be your MOH though, she really doesn't sound like someone that can be counted on at this time. Good luck!

 

[Bliss]

I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. Friendships that end or that cause heartache are so painful. I've had a couple in my lifetime, and what I've found is... that sometimes you have to let the relationship take a rest...or let go.

I've had to let go of a couple of friends who were not healthy for me, either because I found out I could no longer trust them or they were so selfish it was hurting our relationship big time. That was years ago. Those types of people naturally fell away. Now, there are no toxic friendships in my life and haven't been for a while. But I've been where you have been! (Sending you good vibes!)

Sometimes the cost of keeping someone in your life is stress and heartache. If it's not good for you, it can't be good for her either. One way relationships rob both parties of integrity and truth. At some point, she will withdraw and withdraw from your relationship bank account and create a huge deficit. Then both of you suffer. (((HUGS)))