Frustrated and Confused...

[EIRAM]

I have been living with my BF for 4 years and I still dont have a ring on my finger! We have talked several times about the marriage issue and it''s as if we never talked about it at all. He tells me that he wants to get married and have this beautiful life with me all the time, but nothing happens. I am gettin tired to waiting to see when (or should i say IF) he will as the question. Every year it''s a different excuse: " I want to get a better job, I want to pay off all my bills etc. I understand that he may want to feel that he could provide for me and blah, blah, blah, I''m just tired of all the excuses. I know financially he can afford a ring. So why wont he do it !? I hate the idea of an ultimatum b/c I feel by now he should know wheather or not he wants to marry me. I''m about to turn 28 and he will be thirty this year and neither one of us has children. I sort of want to get the ball going....my family keeps bugging me about when i''m going to get married. all of my girlfriends are either engage/married with children. I''m tired of trying to figure out what to tell everyone that ask me "when are u guys getting married?? I ran out of responses!!! i''m tired of saying soon, that was well over two years ago. Now what? So to mak a long story short (sorry for such a long post, but i had to vent a bit) i have decided to give him until december to ask the question (but he does''nt know this). at that point it will be five years since we have been living together. If nothing happens, i will tell him we should go our seperat ways. however, i''m scared! i''m been with him for soo long and i''m afraid of starting all over with someone else. but i know if i stay in this relationsip it may never progress into anything else but what it is.

pls help....any advice would be helpful.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hi Eiram~
For starters, check out this thread. Very insightful. You are certainly not alone in this issue as many of the ladies here will tell you. Specifically, I do believe there is a big difference between an ultimatum and a discussion about your future, so if you''re giving him until December to propose, he absolutely needs to know. There are also ladies here who''ve been in long-term relationships and had to start over, and they are surviving just fine. Start out by reading that thread, have a talk with your man to find out where he stands, let him know where you stand and what you need, and keep us posted whatever happens! We''re happy to help you!

Welcome to Pricescope!

 

[FacetFire]

I think you really need to have a heart-to-heart with your BF and tell him exactly what you''ve shared with us. Try not to be confrontational, but let him know why you are confused...that you''ve talked about marriage before and it seems like all the roadblocks are now gone, so is it time to move forward? Let him know that one of the things you want out of life is to get married, and if that isn''t a goal he shares, then it''s only fair that he let you know now. Obviously, we don''t know much about your relationship, but in every good relationship there should be room for a discussion like this. Though the proposal may be his area, coming to the realization that you both want to marry each other is not. If you decide that you need to set a deadline, which may be a very good thing for you personally (you can''t sit around waiting for ever...it''s not fair to you and your future), you definitely need to let him know. But first, have a talk. If you feel like you can''t be upfront and talk to him about this, then he probably isn''t the right one for you. Communication really is one of THE most important elements in a good realtionship. Let us know how it goes!

 

[Fancy605]

I agree that if you are feeling strongly enough about his lack of commitment to the idea of marriage to potentially leave him over it, then you should let him know. If you don''t let him know, he may feel like everything is dandy and that he can just keep stalling forever. A lot of guys that tend to put things off and put things off need a wake up call. And you tell him that you are coming to the end of your rope as far as paitiently waiting goes, then that might just spring him into action. My advice is to just find a way to discuss it with him in a straight forward, but not ultimatum-esque way. If he WANTS to marry you, and he knows that he runs a risk of driving you away if he continues to postpone marriage, then he probably will. After 4 years of co-habbitation, getting married is NOT an unreasonable request.
If he starts making excuses, even after you tell him how you feel, and you can''t handle it, then it may well be better to move on. I am hoping that isn''t the case, of course, and that he has just been postponing in good faith that you were willing to continue paiteintly waiting. Or maybe he figures that in another 3 years, you''ll be considered married by common law anyways.

P.S. Welcome to price scope! I hope you find it helpful.

 

[EIRAM]

Update....i decided to have "the talk" today and it was awful. He totally took it as if i was giving him an ultimatum. He claims i am pushing in a direction he is not ready for. So I told him that I can no longer be in this relationship. The was the end of "US" . I feel sooo bumbed out. i never wanted it to turn so sour, but he left me with no choice but to leave. I feel soo hurt that he did not even try to talk to me on this issue. once i mentioned that i can not deal with it anymore, he just said "ok, fine, I''ll move in a couple days". i guess this was never meant to be. i''m not sure how to feel at this moment, i cant bring myself to cry b/c i''m soo angry at him for not fighting for our relationship. he just gave up. just like that. all these years just flushed down the drain at the snap of a finger. this realationship stuff really sucks...i hve''nt even faced my family/friends whith this....i dunno how to with out making seem as if i''m desprate to get married to him to the point that i drove him away. may be this is for the best. who knows. but what if i just made the biggest mistake of my life?

 

[anchor31]

I don''t think you made the biggest mistake of your life, I think you took the best decision you could. If the man doesn''t love you enough to marry you, he doesn''t deserve you. I admire your courage, and I''m sending you lots of good vibes on your journey forward!

 

[robbie3982]

Awe, Eiram, I''m so sorry that it turned out like this! I think every relationship comes to a point where you need to decide where it''s heading. No one should have to wait around forever to figure it out. Even though he''s feeling really pressured right now, maybe he''ll feel differently in a little while after he''s had some space and time to think about it. I don''t think that you will come off as desperate to your friends and family. Four years is a long time to go with no clear promise of a future.

You should never have to settle or compromise your goals in life (getting married and having a family), so if this isn''t what your bf wants, then you definitely have not made the biggest mistake of your life. It might not seem like it now, but things will get better and all of us PSers are here to help you through it.

 

[sumbride]

Oh honey, I know you are hurting, but you will be ok. If he didn''t want what you want, then it''s better that you find that out now. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same things in life you do, and wants them WITH you. If it''s meant to be, he''ll realize his mistake, but take care of yourself and don''t waste any more of your time hoping he''ll come around. He either will or he won''t. Do talk to your friends and family about this, you need support now. Hang in there! And hugs to you!

Sum

 

[aquarius_ser]

Eiram, I am so sorry for the hurt you''re going through right now....

however, from the sounds of it, this is probably the best thing for you. Your time is precious, 4 yrs is long enough to give you a commitment. You deserve to get what you want. Your situation strikes a bad nerve with me because I have been there.

I dated someone for 7 yrs and he also would not commit (he was 31). I won''t bore you with the details, but we weren''t getting along, yada, yada, so I told him I thought we needed a "break" for the summer to see if we really were meant to be with together. A month later, I met the man of my dreams. That was 2 yrs ago and now my engagement ring is somewhere in my house, and I''m anxiously awaiting a proposal! When I broke it off for good with my ex, it was the hardest thing I ever had to to. He came over and moved all his crap out of my house (I still cried) and he interrogated me, we fought, etc, and it got ugly. But it was the best decision I ever made.

I used to be mad about the 7 yrs I "wasted" with my ex, but would not do it over.... I would never have met my FF then. So you see, this could be happening for a reason right now. Girl, don''t be afraid to move on... you need to in order to find your true love. You won''t find him sitting at home in your current situation!

Good Luck and go have some fun!

 

[Cailet]

Eiram! I''m sending tons of good vibes to you!
I know it sucks - but just think that if he was so willing to just give up right now - what would have happened the first time you guys had problems once you got married? Marriage is the long haul - through thick and thin - you need someone who will stand by you and fight tooth and nail to make sure that your relationship survives.

I agree - tell your friends and family - you definitely need their suport -- unless your conversation was "I want to get married now - run out and buy me a ring or we are done" I don''t think you will come off as "desperate". You were just trying to get an idea of what your future held. I think you had a right to know whether marriage with him was even a possibility.

Feel free to vent - we are all here for you!!

 

[akw94]

Eiram,
I''m so sorry the conversation didn''t go as you hoped. I agree with the others, you didn''t do anything wrong and should be proud of yourself for expressing how you feel and being strong enough to stick w/it. If he didn''t want to get married and you do, then he truly wasn''t the one for you. It''s better to know that now, rather than him proposing if he really didn''t want to or you staying on and on after knowing his true intent. Of course, all of that probably doesn''t make you feel any better right now. An ended relationship is a very hard thing to get over, BUT you CAN get over it! Give yourself the time you need. Take advantage of your friends and families support. Although it may be hard to talk about, let them be there for you. It honestly doesn''t sound like you made a mistake b/c he seemed to make it clear that he doesn''t want what you want. Unless you are willing to settle for that, how could it work?
Take care of yourself right now!

 

[blodthecat]

Every relationship has to progress in order to survive.

There was always going to be a point where you needed to know what he wanted, and if you had a future together. You''re probably feeling like you''ve wasted a lot of time, on a relationship that was going no where! but that''s with hindsight.

If you were meant to be together, he would have taken your discussion seriously, and he wouldn''t be walking away.

You''ve been really brave and you must be feeling heart broken right now......but stay positive and focus on the future. You''ve got your whole life still ahead of you.

Sending you lots of ((hugs))

Blod

 

[caligal]

Oh hon- HUGS!

I''m so sorry he did this, but do listen to everyone''s thoughts on this matter... HE is the one who is missing out on something great. HE is the one who has problems with commitment. And YOU are the one who is brave, strong, and will find a man who can''t wait to commit to you! I know it will be hard for a while... talk to any of us here for support!

 

[larussel03]

I''m so sorry that this happened to you...any man that will walk away without at least discussing or "fighting for" the relationship isn''t worth it. I guess it''s good to know now rather than further down the road that he is not ready and may never be for marriage. I''m amazed that he could walk away and give up so easily, but if he can then he''s not worth it!

 

[ello]

I''m so sorry - BIG HUG - I feel so bad for you. I''m crossing my fingers that you will stay strong and keep positive. Your prince charming is waiting for you somewhere out there. See the end of this relationship as a new beginning and know that you''ll need time to heal and recover. You boyfriend is a FOOL!

One thing I know is that the next time I run into a similar situation I''m going to take a wild fun trip to an exotic island with one of my girlfriends. It''s hard to do this but don''t wait or waste any more time. Learn to love, live and dream again. The sooner the better!

Good luck. HUGS!

 

[Starset]

I''m sorry! We''ve done this argument before, but it only lasted one day (and yet we are still not engaged

) so maybe I''m not the most qualified for advice giving, but...

Just keep in perspective, if he was never fully going to be ready for this commitment, keep in mind that the hard times now are in place of the even harder times any given point in the future when you would bring up this topic of conversation.

Would you be happy waiting around if you knew the answer would always be the same? How long would you draw it out? Even if you had never brought it up and there was the potential of him changing his mind in the near future, this is not how he chose to respond.

You can''t push him forward and he can''t pull you backward. If you were on the same page, there wouldn''t be an issue.

 

[bee*]

Im really sorry to hear that. You havent made a mistake though-its better that you found out now than in a few years