Frustrated with friends

[VMal]

So on top of all of my ering drama ((see other posts!))....

I can''t even talk to my best friends or mother or anyone about anything.. Not the excitement or stress over my ring, the color for my bridesmaids, or the dress that I found that I LOVE, not even our new apartment.....

Everyone is, I hate to say this, jealous.

My two best friends have been with their guys longer than me & my love ((3 & 4 years to my 2)) and are not yet engaged. My BF/FF & I knew the moment we met that we were meant to be together and our entire relationship has been incredible. But whenever I bring up hopefull engagement news I get shot down with dirty looks and negative remarks AND they have actually questioned whether or not I was "ready for it" and him being the one.

THE NERVE.

My two other girlfriends are mid-planning THEIR weddings and talking about me is just not allowed

And My mother....

My mom and I have always been close and she is wonderful, really. But she has this new guy (6 months) and everything seems to be a competition btw us. I told her we were buying a new huge plasma for the new place as a christmas gift to each other and she replied with, "You can''t buy that-- We want one." Silly, yes. But THEN there was the time I showed her a picture of my ring. I was in tears, ecstatic about showing her, my mother, my beautiful ering that we worked really hard on... She turned to me and said, "Oh I love that, Whats it called? Tell **** Thats the ring I want. Make sure you save this picture so you can show it to him."

Thats my mommy and I love her but I could have killed her.


I need my girls. I feel like nobody is at all excited or happy for me and it really stinks.

 

[LaraOnline]

Engagements and weddings can bring out the worst - or the wierdest - behaviour in people.
That is because engagements and weddings signify a level of s*xual acceptance that most of us crave with every ounce of our being.
They are not reacting to you, they are reacting to their own feelings.

Try not to take it personally. Your mother is no doubt particularly vunerable.

She is six months into a relationship when she in no doubt would infinitely prefer to have been safely settled for many years now with a SO. Perhaps she also has other survival issues, such as financial security for her older age. She must feel like a fish out of water with her lifestyle on occasion, being single and attempting to re-partner. Now she is letting her insecurities out to play. As are your other friends.

It is partly a result of the fast-paced, individualised (self-centred) have-it-all lifestyles some of us currently lead now. These lifestyles are tough on the softer, more generous sides of ourselves. We have to receive nurture to give nurture. Try not to take it personally. No doubt it will die down somewhat as you continue in your planning.

 

[icet]

That''s pretty tough and I have seen it many times. I was lucky enough to get married a couple of years before anyone else did but over the last 2 years, i have seen ugliness and it has broken up friendships. I knew 2 long time couples were planning weddings and another friend who had been dating her guy for less than 2 years when she got engaged. Well that just caused severe anger and jealousy between the 2 girls in long term relationships (dated a min of 7 yrs each b4 getting engaged) and the last standing single girl in the group just could not take it! they would talk behind my friend''s back like crazy! she does''t know him, it wont happen, he''s crazy if he knows he wants to get married only after a short time etc.
sooo the friendships all kind of sizzled since everyone was trying to out do each othe''s weddings. it''s surprising what comes out when jealousy is involved.
i think you should just let the excitement of the engagement die down a little, let the jealous rages die down and then fish the waters to see how stable your friends'' feellings are. Because once they get over their own issues, they may be actually really happy for you.

Good luck

 

[fieryred33143]

Here''s my honest opinion.

You aren''t engaged yet you are talking about rings, bridesmaid dresses, and a bridal gown. To PSers we appreciate those discussions because that''s what this forum is all about. But to regular people IRL, they don''t get it.

If I were you, I''d keep my mouth shut until he proposes. No more wedding talk. No more color talks. No more ring talks. After he proposes, then you can get their true feelings about everything based on their reaction.

 

[diamondfan]

That is sad, since I am sure you are not trying to best anyone, but are just doing your thing.

It is a weird thing for a mom with a new beau to think she should copy her daughter''s new e ring. Boundaries are not clear here for sure.

As for your pals, not really sure what to say. I kinda of do not get this timeline issue. Each couple''s relationship and timeline as to if and when they should get engaged should only be based on each other and NOT on others. If you were ready sooner, and they were not, why should you not live your life? If they really cannot see that I think that is a bit selfish . There is no uniform time to be applied and one couple''s decision is their own. That said, I was the first of my group of friends to get married and I dealt with a lot of snarky stuff back in the day. Now two of those girls are married, the third is still single at 43, and I am not sure how happy the other two are, I hope they are but I am not in the know. I just lived my life and did what worked for me. It all came out in the wash eventually.

 

[purrfectpear]

Pot meet kettle.

Your mom wants it to be about her. Your friends want it to be about them.

You whine because you want it to be about you. You don''t see the irony there? You''re ticked at them for having the exact attitude that you have. Everyone wants it to be about meeeee, meeeee, meeeee.

 

[Sha]

Wow, I'm sorry you're going through this! I can more understand your friends' reactions (although it doesn't make it any less frustrating or selfish), but your mother's? WOW. Whether or not she's feeling fragile in her relationship - she should remember that you're her daughter, and you reallly need her during this important and exciting time in your life - not to have her competing with you, especially when you've been in your relationship for 2 years and her relationship is still 6 months new. I cant' believe she made that comment after you showed her your ring! She may be very far away from even getting a proposal - I can't believe she wasn't able to put aside her own wishes and focus on your excitement a little. And didn't she think about the fact that you might NOT want her to have the same ring that you and your SO created together?

ETA: I think it's quite normal for pre-engagement women to want to talk about dresses, bridal gowns, etc with their friends. It's part of sharing that excitement with those who are closer to you. I definitely remember doing that with my friends before I was engaged, and they were supportive. In fact, my other friends chimed in about their dresses, and some of them didn't even have boyfriends! I have another friend who is hoping to get engaged next year and she already showed me the wedding dress and bridal gowns she's picked out. I dont' think this is abnormal at all - and I don't think the OP is being far out by wanting to talk about these things with her family and friends. As long as the people around you are supportive, they should be able to share in the natural excitement that proposals/impending weddings bring - as long as that excitement is within reason, IMO.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I have one friend that I have blabbed all my wedding dreams to. The rest of my friends ask how things are going with BF and I, or when I think we might get engaged, and I give them a vague answer. 1) I''m not sure when the proposal will happen. Up until recently, I wasn''t even sure IF it would happen! 2) I want the engagement to be special, not just a forgone conclusion.

So my advice to you is to just pick one person who you can babble about wedding stuff to until you are officially engaged. Then announce your engagement and talk about colors and gowns with the rest of your friends.

I''m sorry your mother said that. Sometimes I think older people don''t remember what it''s like to be young and going through something for the first time. Your mother might not be completely selfish. She might just not get fluttery or think your ring that you helped design is an emotional deal. Or she might be complimenting you in her own way; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so maybe she thought that was a good way to say it was beautiful.

 

[VMal]

Thank you all for your advice & comments...

You are all right. And even more so about the fact that I am not even engaged yet so maybe I really shouldn''t say anything yet I suppose. But, as some others have said, it is normal and fun to do so... to gab about your dream wedding or colors and so on... Isn''t that what girlfriends are for? Isnt that what we all do? I never did, I never wanted to think about that stuff until him I met *him*

Ultimately, I think I''m going to just shut my mouth. Although it pains me because I''m so excited I can scream, I''m just going to wait it out. Once the ring is on my finger, maybe things will change and they can be happy for me... OR I may start to see that ugliness you girls were talking about. I hope not

 

[lala2332]

This stinks for you! I''m so sorry! I emailed a picture of my dream ring to my mom and she didn''t say anything about it. She just asked is this happening soon and that her and my dad think paying for a wedding is silly.

Its hard when the people you love aren''t excited for you. Some advice I got on PS is that once the question is actually asked and you are engaged that then people will get excited, but that right now it might just not be "real" to them.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/24/2008 11:52:05 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I have one friend that I have blabbed all my wedding dreams to. The rest of my friends ask how things are going with BF and I, or when I think we might get engaged, and I give them a vague answer. 1) I''m not sure when the proposal will happen. Up until recently, I wasn''t even sure IF it would happen! 2) I want the engagement to be special, not just a forgone conclusion.

So my advice to you is to just pick one person who you can babble about wedding stuff to until you are officially engaged. Then announce your engagement and talk about colors and gowns with the rest of your friends.

I''m sorry your mother said that. Sometimes I think older people don''t remember what it''s like to be young and going through something for the first time. Your mother might not be completely selfish. She might just not get fluttery or think your ring that you helped design is an emotional deal. Or she might be complimenting you in her own way; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so maybe she thought that was a good way to say it was beautiful.

Her mother did not forget what it''s like to be young. She wasn''t making a compliment about the ring. She was assuring her daughter that she fully intends to undermine every desire and every decision her daughter makes. She doesn''t want that ring; she just doesn''t want her daughter to have it. I''d rethink that whole relationship right now; ''close and wonderful'' my patootie!

 

[VMal]

Date: 8/24/2008 5:17:41 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 8/24/2008 11:52:05 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I have one friend that I have blabbed all my wedding dreams to. The rest of my friends ask how things are going with BF and I, or when I think we might get engaged, and I give them a vague answer. 1) I''m not sure when the proposal will happen. Up until recently, I wasn''t even sure IF it would happen! 2) I want the engagement to be special, not just a forgone conclusion.

So my advice to you is to just pick one person who you can babble about wedding stuff to until you are officially engaged. Then announce your engagement and talk about colors and gowns with the rest of your friends.

I''m sorry your mother said that. Sometimes I think older people don''t remember what it''s like to be young and going through something for the first time. Your mother might not be completely selfish. She might just not get fluttery or think your ring that you helped design is an emotional deal. Or she might be complimenting you in her own way; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so maybe she thought that was a good way to say it was beautiful.

Her mother did not forget what it''s like to be young. She wasn''t making a compliment about the ring. She was assuring her daughter that she fully intends to undermine every desire and every decision her daughter makes. She doesn''t want that ring; she just doesn''t want her daughter to have it. I''d rethink that whole relationship right now; ''close and wonderful'' my patootie!

Allow me to clear the story about my mother......

She is a wonderful, strong and beautiful woman, married to my awful father for 18 awful years before a glorious divorce that set her free. She didn''t have a childhood or teenage years or crazy 20''s to find herself and be young... She was married with children coming to the USA and surviving. Now, after years of living free from abuse ((AMEN)) she is starting to find herself, become her own woman and have some fun in life. I''ve never been so happy or proud of anyone. My mother dated a bit over the past 2-3 years, almost re-doing what she should have had earlier in her life. Then she met N and they became best friends. They are now together seriously for 8 months (not 6, sorry typo).

Now there''s talk of wedding bells--- and not mine! When I asked how serious they were she said very and when I asked when they might seal the deal she said about two years ((same time FF & I had discussed))

Part of me wants to be really happy for her, and I am.
But the other part wonders what the heck is going through her mind...

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/24/2008 5:34:36 PM
Author: VMal

Allow me to clear the story about my mother......

She is a wonderful, strong and beautiful woman, married to my awful father for 18 awful years before a glorious divorce that set her free. She didn''t have a childhood or teenage years or crazy 20''s to find herself and be young... She was married with children coming to the USA and surviving. Now, after years of living free from abuse ((AMEN)) she is starting to find herself, become her own woman and have some fun in life. I''ve never been so happy or proud of anyone. My mother dated a bit over the past 2-3 years, almost re-doing what she should have had earlier in her life. Then she met N and they became best friends. They are now together seriously for 8 months (not 6, sorry typo).

Now there''s talk of wedding bells--- and not mine! When I asked how serious they were she said very and when I asked when they might seal the deal she said about two years ((same time FF & I had discussed))

Part of me wants to be really happy for her, and I am.
But the other part wonders what the heck is going through her mind...

Excuse me for being blunt, but you are kind of acting like a bridezilla before even becoming a bride!!

Believe me when I tell you that no one will care more about your wedding details other than you.

Your mother is finally allowing herself to love. She''s excited about it. she wants to talk about it. You are feeling the same. Two peas in a pod but yet it seems like you think you have more of a right to talk about it than anyone else

Your mom is very lucky. I wish my mom would find someone and talk to me about her wedding plans.

As for the friends, people are like that. I have a coworker that pre-engagement, we would talk about wedding stuff all day long. She would send me pictures of rings, I''d tell her which wedding dress I was eyeing, she''d give me venue ideas, etc. I couldn''t do that with my best friend. I told her that we had a date set and her response was "you aren''t even engaged. Setting a date is stupid"

Some people get it, others don''t. Your friends are the latter so you don''t need to talk to them about it and have them ruin your excitement.

 

[decodelighted]

Ahhh yeah. Weddings bring out the worst in people for SURE! Lots of weirdness & stuff. Really just part of the package. Unfortunately!

This really struck a chord with me:

Date: 8/23/2008 11:44:34 PM
Author:VMal
I showed her a picture of my ring. I was in tears, ecstatic about showing her, my mother, my beautiful ering that we worked really hard on... She turned to me and said, ''Oh I love that, Whats it called? Tell **** Thats the ring I want. Make sure you save this picture so you can show it to him.''

When my mom saw my e-ring for the first time ... she said (NO JOKE) "Oh I LOVE it .... if something happens to you will you leave it to me in your will?" Um -- my MOTHER. Ready to mentally kill me off to inherit my bling.

So my first thought was ... well ... at least your mom let you LIVE in her "best case scenario".

 

[IluvEmeralds]

Date: 8/24/2008 5:34:36 PM
Author: VMal

Date: 8/24/2008 5:17:41 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 8/24/2008 11:52:05 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I have one friend that I have blabbed all my wedding dreams to. The rest of my friends ask how things are going with BF and I, or when I think we might get engaged, and I give them a vague answer. 1) I''m not sure when the proposal will happen. Up until recently, I wasn''t even sure IF it would happen! 2) I want the engagement to be special, not just a forgone conclusion.

So my advice to you is to just pick one person who you can babble about wedding stuff to until you are officially engaged. Then announce your engagement and talk about colors and gowns with the rest of your friends.

I''m sorry your mother said that. Sometimes I think older people don''t remember what it''s like to be young and going through something for the first time. Your mother might not be completely selfish. She might just not get fluttery or think your ring that you helped design is an emotional deal. Or she might be complimenting you in her own way; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so maybe she thought that was a good way to say it was beautiful.

Her mother did not forget what it''s like to be young. She wasn''t making a compliment about the ring. She was assuring her daughter that she fully intends to undermine every desire and every decision her daughter makes. She doesn''t want that ring; she just doesn''t want her daughter to have it. I''d rethink that whole relationship right now; ''close and wonderful'' my patootie!

Allow me to clear the story about my mother......

She is a wonderful, strong and beautiful woman, married to my awful father for 18 awful years before a glorious divorce that set her free. She didn''t have a childhood or teenage years or crazy 20''s to find herself and be young... She was married with children coming to the USA and surviving. Now, after years of living free from abuse ((AMEN)) she is starting to find herself, become her own woman and have some fun in life. I''ve never been so happy or proud of anyone. My mother dated a bit over the past 2-3 years, almost re-doing what she should have had earlier in her life. Then she met N and they became best friends. They are now together seriously for 8 months (not 6, sorry typo).

Now there''s talk of wedding bells--- and not mine! When I asked how serious they were she said very and when I asked when they might seal the deal she said about two years ((same time FF & I had discussed))

Part of me wants to be really happy for her, and I am.
But the other part wonders what the heck is going through her mind...

Hi VMal-

I''m so sorry to hear about your pre-wedding woes. I can certainly sympathize. I agree with the other ladies on here who said that weddings and engagements can bring out either the best or the worst in people. SO TRUE. As for your friends....I don''t know what to say there. Have you tried expressing how confused and hurt you are? These girls are supposed to be FRIENDS afterall, and they are certainly not acting like it. Maybe they need a wake up call.

As for your mom...I''m at a loss. My mom is the complete opposite so anti me marrying my FI that it''s crazy. It''s hard when you want to keep that special relationship...but at the same time that person is causing you so much pain/stress. My advice would be the same with her really. BE HONEST about how she''s making you feel. If she still doesn''t have a good reaction...well at least you know you said your peace and you tried.

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!!

 

[trillionaire]

Friends are a mixed bag. I have a friend who used to love ring shopping with me online. Once she and her boyfriend broke up, she told me NO MORE RING SHOPPING! 2 years later, I sent her a picture of a ring, because I thought she would appreciate it''s uniqueness, and she wigged out a little before calming down. *shrugs*

As for your mom, I would think you could talk to her about how you feel. It would be marvelous fun to plan a wedding with your mom, no?

 

[sugarjo]

Dear V,
I really feel for you and your situation. It must be terribly lonely not being able to share that with with your girls.
I''ve been sitting in their situation for a while now. My FF and I have been together for almost 3 years, living together for 2, and we''ve had quite a number of friends meet there SO''s and get engaged (some married) in that time. It is really frustrating for me. In the last month, there have been two. Last year, one of my best friends married the guy she meet when FF and I started dating. I am so happy and supportive of all of them, as they are of me and I keep my frustrations to myself.
In my heart of hearts, I really believe that your friends probably don''t even realize what they are doing, and if you think they would be receptive, tell them that it really hurts you that they won''t support you. If your girls can''t respond to honesty, then are they really your girls? They only people who can say if you and your FF are ready, are you and your FF. Frustration can really blind people to what else is happening in their worlds.
I wish you the best.
And the best of happiness for you and your FF.
sugar

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/24/2008 7:16:35 PM
Author: decodelighted

When my mom saw my e-ring for the first time ... she said (NO JOKE) ''Oh I LOVE it .... if something happens to you will you leave it to me in your will?'' Um -- my MOTHER. Ready to mentally kill me off to inherit my bling.

So my first thought was ... well ... at least your mom let you LIVE in her ''best case scenario''.

aha that''s a funny story...
I''m a LIWFAU, so I could see how that might happen...

Just joking (I think)

 

[Izzy03]

I''m sorry! I think it is inevitable that everyone gets at least a few negative reactions when they announce their engagements. Even if the person never hears the bad mouthing, I think it always happens to a point. Mine has come from work. My co-worker dated her husband for 7 years before he proposed. So she has to talk about how me and my fiance are crazy to "rush" things (we have been together 1 1/2 years).

As far as your mom goes, you need to remind her that she needs to give you YOUR time to shine. She sounds like she just wants to be involved, but let her know HOW you need her involvement. You need someone to talk to about YOUR engagement, YOUR wedding, YOUR future. Not to compare your relationships. In turn you will give her her own time to talk herself.

If all else fails, we are all here to talk to!!!

 

[lasscreative]

I am not talking wedding ANYTHING to my friends but I am talking ring and proposal as my ring is completed but not yet on my finger!! i am soooo excited and no one cares! No one wants to listen. I have 2 best friend since little girls and they or older then me but been with their bf''s just a touch LESS and don''t want to know anything about it! They don''t shoot it down, but they move onto other subjects very fast! They don''t think this is it for me cause I am only 20! I have been with my guy for 3.5yrs! I just can''t tell ppl how excited I am. I just thought when it came to this time in my life, I would have ppl around me that are genuinely happy for me and were picking out rings with me! But NO!

 

[Amzizzle]

I''m sorry the situation is so tense...Right now I have two friends getting married withing 4 months of eachother one who has been dating the same amount of time as me and my FF and the other 7 years. I am in both weddings and honestly they have never been less tolerable then they are right now,there are alot of demands being made of me,and they still feel "stressed" and are losing their minds.I don''t know what it is about weddings but they make it very hard for people to see past themselves. I would just bite your tongue and let the drama die down. So when it''s time for your wedding they can be excited to help you! As for your mother, that''s obviously an internal struggle she''s having and I''m sure is just insecure.

 

[Booper717]

Forgive me, I didn''t read all the replys. I just wanted to tell you that I have a feeling there will be a lack of excitment from those closest to me when engagment time comes. Now, don''t get me wrong, noone is objecting and everyone is happy about the impending engagment, it''s just there''s definatly not the spark of excitment (as far as I can see).

I often feel depressed over that, and wish that I had that one great friend that would be jumping up and down with excitment for me, but I dont think I do. My friends are great, but I just don''t see that happening. I shared these feelings with my SO, and he said "You do have that one person, me!" and he continued to say that all that maters is that we''re going to be the happiest ppl in the world and that we don''t need anyone else to celebrate with. He''s right, I know he is, but it''s still something eaiser said than done.

I guess all we can do is try to keep in mind that we''re going to be engaged to the men of our dreams and that''s what matters most, who knows.. maybe those closest to us will surprise us with their reactions!

 

[dreaming of the day]

Ok, so I can see this from all angles as I am an outsider.

Angle 1: Your two friends want to enjoy planning their weddings that are actually happening, the stuff they decide on is going to actually happen very soon. So when you chime in with your ideas it seems like childs play to them. They have been waiting for the days that they can start planning (just like you), and now they are very into it. It sucks for you cause it makes it less exciting, and you long to be a part of it. Its like being the outcast! However, when you are planning your wedding they are going to see things you do that they may wish they had done, and then you can say ''you should have let me talk about my wedding stuff with you when I gave you the chance''.

Angle 2: Your friends that are not engaged but can''t stand to hear you fantasize about your own wedding, now that is just jealous cruelty. I can''t see this from their angle at all, why wouldn''t you all daydream together - that is just crap! It is normal to talk about wedding stuff with your close friends, before your engaged. It has been a fantasy for many of us since we were little, and when you meet the man you want to share your life with it becomes the greatest event to plan of all time - your friends should be excited you finally feel this way! These friends are no fun!

Angle 3: For your Mother, well just tell her ''thanks for appreciating my tastes, but this is one of a kind so together we will have to design something different for you!''

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Wow!

I am pretty shocked at some of the really negative posts. I do not think one bit you are being a bridezilla- doesn''t every girl who wants to be married get fussed over at least a little? And pricescope is definitely the place to vent about this stuff! It sounds like your mom is definitely starting a new life for herself which is wonderful!

I am kind of in the same boat, because my mom just got out of a relationship with my dad. They had been married 20 years and although there was no physical abuse, my mom and my family did suffer some mental and verbal abuse. Maybe you should help your mom out like do things together having to do with the wedding- look at magazines together, ring shop online dress shop... things that will help your mom choose her own style. She might just be excited but wrapped up in all of the excitement of weddings. Also make sure there is a distinct separation between your style and wishes for YOUR wedding as opposed to hers.

Just vent/post/ask for advice/get congratulations on Pricescope! It is the best place for all of those things. People IRL- even BEST friends- don''t understand how important things like rings and weddings and the uniqueness of all of that stuff means to certain people.

Good luck! I''m sure everything will work out, especially if you work hard to work it out!