Frustration leading to intimacy problems?

[katica]

Ummm I''m going to try to be delicate on this subject since I''ve noticed this is a pretty prim and proper forum and I hope this can be discussed here..

I know that we are all waiting and some of us get more frustrated than others. I also know that some are waiting until marriage to get physically intimate so this question doesn''t apply to them.
I''m kind of worried because ever since I''ve become frustrated with SO''s lack of movement on the Ering front (remember I wrote how he said he''s waiting a few months to even start looking) I have not been so enthusiastic when it comes to getting intimate. Our relationship has always been really awesome in that department..
I don''t know, but somehow I just don''t "feel" like it and I KNOW it''s because of these frustrations, maybe thinking deep down that his lack of action is because of lack of love for me. I know he loves me and I know it''s irrational, but nevertheless this lack of enthusiasm remains. And it''s NOT a conscious decision like "oh I just won''t put out until I get the ring" it''s just an unintentional feeling.
Am I the only one feeling this way?

 

[radiantquest]

i think you already understand what is going on. you feel that you are not engaged because he doesnt love you. why would you want to make love to someone that doesnt love you. since that is not the case i think it will just take time. or maybe you could go ahead with it even though you arent enthusiastic and just let things progress. before you know it youll be into it and then you have gotten over this block you have. hope this helps.

 

[bubbly1126]

I understand where you're coming from here. I've been there.

Mainly, you've just got to either talk to him about your feelings regarding getting engaged and why it upsets you so much that he hasn't asked yet... or think about it, I mean really think about it and try to look at the GREAT things about your relationship. I know that when you want something so bad (such as an engagement) that you tend to see only the negative things and not the good... and you also tend to start questioning his love for you b/c you think gee, why hasn't he asked by now if he loves me as much as he says? Trust me, I've been there and still take little mini insanity trips back to that hell-ish land (lol)...

...Take a deep breath, a step back and look at the bright side. You have an amazing man who you love and who loves you back. Life is short. Enjoy your time together NOW and don't worry about the future.

ETA: These are the words I have to tell myself every time I start getting down about not being engaged and it works...

 

[katica]

Thanks for letting me know I''m not alone. I hope I get out of this funk because I don''t want it messing up my relationship.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 11/15/2008 8:21:29 PM
Author: inhisarms17
I understand where you''re coming from here. I''ve been there.


Mainly, you''ve just got to either talk to him about your feelings regarding getting engaged and why it upsets you so much that he hasn''t asked yet... or think about it, I mean really think about it and try to look at the GREAT things about your relationship. I know that when you want something so bad (such as an engagement) that you tend to see only the negative things and not the good... and you also tend to start questioning his love for you b/c you think gee, why hasn''t he asked by now if he loves me as much as he says? Trust me, I''ve been there and still take little mini insanity trips back to that hell-ish land (lol)...


...Take a deep breath, a step back and look at the bright side. You have an amazing man who you love and who loves you back. Life is short. Enjoy your time together NOW and don''t worry about the future.


ETA: These are the words I have to tell myself every time I start getting down about not being engaged and it works...

I''ve been there too.. I couldn''t have said it better myself!

I totally agree!

 

[sammyj]

I''ve also been there. I was frustrated and angry with him because he had told me that he wasn''t ready to get engaged (in retrospect, probably because I felt like he didn''t love me enough too). I couldn''t understand his reasoning and everything was just boiling inside me. We had a long talk about everything and I was able to let go of the anger and resentment and things went back to normal after a week and a half.

It''s understandable that you wouldn''t want to be intimate with someone who is making you frustrated and makes you feel that you aren''t loved enough...even though he is head over heels for you... It''s hard to remember the latter sometimes that''s all.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I can definitely relate to this. Before FI and I got engaged this was a problem for us for quite some time. I didn''t feel I wanted to be intimate with someone, who perhaps didn''t love me as much as I loved him. It wasn''t a sub concious thing for me, as I knew exactly why I wasn''t in the mood.

FI and I talked about it, and I was honest with him about my feelings, and suggested that he try and show me how he feels in other ways, like maybe being more affectionate or doing other nice things for me. It helped a bit.

The problem with this is that, stemming from LIWitis, it doesn''t go away until the LIWitis goes away

 

[girlie-girl]

I think you need to sit down with him and tell him exactly how you are feeling and why. You don''t want to start keeping things from him or suppressing your emotions because you''re afraid of what he''ll say etc. Communication lines must always remain open in order for a relationship to stay healthy. Most guys are clueless about how us girls function emotionally, and the reverse is often true as well, so my guess is that he isn''t getting the correlation between the lack of desire for intimacy and not being engaged yet.

I really hope you''re able to resolve this before it becomes more serious. Good luck!

 

[AprilD]

Most ppl have said what I was already thinking.

All I can add is Im ANOTHER person who has SSOOOOO been there. And like the other ladies suggested, I talked to him about it. I dont know how many times I had to tell myself, look he said that he knows we are getting married, there is no doubt about that , but it was just taking him longer to officially propose.

Think about long term. You WILL be with him
In your life time... this waiting time is SOOOO short ( i have to remind myself everyday while I wait for my ring too )

It is true that in the waiting time we do focus on the negative, try to focus on the positive and I guarantee you will want to be intimate again! The more intimate you are, the more in love you will feel, and the cycle will continue.
If you had a good intimate relationship previously, I dont think it will take much to "get back in the mood"


Good luck and I have no doubt things will turn around!

 

[Amanda.Rx]

A little off topic, but still on the subject...

Are you taking birth control pills? After about 3-5 years of taking birth control, it can affect your libido. It has to do with the way the drug is metabolized and it can increase your levels of sex hormone binding globulin (which binds up your testosterone) and decreases your libido. I can be especially prominent with pills that are marketed to "improve acne" like ortho-tri-cyclen or yaz/yasmin, for example.

The only reason I ask is because it happened to me. SO and I are totally fine in our relationship and I just started to never want it. I couldn''t contribute it to stress, or emotional anxiety or anything else, so I stopped taking the pill. I think it has helped!

I can understand, though, if it is an emotional barrier. I can''t say that I''ve been there, but it makes sense. Either way, a dereased drive for intimacy is frustrating. Hopefully you''ll be able to see past it, and things will be wonderful again once you are engaged.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 11/17/2008 4:03:34 PM
Author: Amanda.Rx
A little off topic, but still on the subject...


Are you taking birth control pills? After about 3-5 years of taking birth control, it can affect your libido. It has to do with the way the drug is metabolized and it can increase your levels of sex hormone binding globulin (which binds up your testosterone) and decreases your libido. I can be especially prominent with pills that are marketed to ''improve acne'' like ortho-tri-cyclen or yaz/yasmin, for example.


The only reason I ask is because it happened to me. SO and I are totally fine in our relationship and I just started to never want it. I couldn''t contribute it to stress, or emotional anxiety or anything else, so I stopped taking the pill. I think it has helped!


I can understand, though, if it is an emotional barrier. I can''t say that I''ve been there, but it makes sense. Either way, a dereased drive for intimacy is frustrating. Hopefully you''ll be able to see past it, and things will be wonderful again once you are engaged.

OMG really?!?! This is such helpful info, THANK YOU!!
I did not know this although I was somewhat suspicious that the pill was causing this problem although me being on them for probably about 7 years now I thought it was unlikely.. I figured that my body should be used to them.
I started noticing this about 2 years ago and could not really attribute it to anything emotional.. so that definitely makes sense!! Hmm.. must you get off them totally or would switching types solve this problem. Hmm.. will have to do research..

But I have experienced the emotional barrier as well.. totally different!

 

[katica]

PHew I''m glad I''m not alone.. I mean I don''t wish this on anyone but you get the point. For me I know it is totally emotional. I have been on the pill for almost ten years and the change definitely just occurred when I realized he hadn''t done any diamond research at all. It was like a switch suddenly went off. I see what you''re saying about the hormones but it wasn''t the cause in my case in this specific instance (though I know my drive was higher before the pills ten years ago).
Thanks for the comforting words guys. I do realize I have a great man and we''re so happy together. But when I think about the fact that I''m about to turn 30 next summer and that I really want a family within a stable married family my practical side takes over and I get down about it. I was in university for a LONG time - undergrad + law school so I am just getting around to family making now and I''m taking it very seriously because I want to have my kids before I''m 35. So that is why I don''t want to "waste time".
On the plus side as you may have seen on my other thread he told his mom he wants to marry me soon and her blessing really got the ball rolling because he started looking this weekend and says he will see a jeweller in the next two weeks. So I feel better and my little intimacy problem has vanished

It seems like once he told his mom he realized he needs to get his act together and get moving.
I hope this won''t happen again to either me or to anyone else!