Frustrations. it seems like it won''t happen anytime soon :(

[metaphor85]

Over Christmas my boy finally got the courage to have 'the talk' with my dad. It didn't go well.

Oh, and perhaps I should give a little introduction, because you probably don't know me.
I'm a 22 year old college student studying biology, and I'll be graduating in May.
He is 23, just graduated college with a degree in Information Systems, and we've been together for 4 years. He wants us to be married by this time next year!

That being said, my dad made it clear that he doesn't trust my boyfriend. Boyfriend is currently a server at a restaurant and is searching for a real full-time job to start his career. He's had two interviews at this one company so far, said they went very well, and is probably going to get a third interview! I'm so proud of my boy and excited for him!

Dad's problem is that he has a hard time seeing past what's happening now. He's convinced that my boy is going to be waiting tables for the rest of his life and is not impressed by my boy's possible new job. What he doesn't realize that just because you graduate from college doesn't mean that you're automatically going to find a job that pays upwards of $50k a year.

Daddy's also a little bitter towards me because I started out college majoring in engineering and switched to science halfway through because it just wasn't for me. He thinks I'm wasting my time and money studying biology.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that until my boy finds a real job, he's probably not going to try to get my dad's blessing anytime soon. Who knows how long that will be?

It's really hard to be content sometimes, because so many of my close friends have just gotten engaged or married recently, and they were always so sure that I'd be the first among them to be engaged.
*sigh*

 

[Erin]

I''ve always hated how my parents were right.

I''m not saying your bf won''t find a good job in IT - but because it''s coming from your parents, there may be something he sees.

Have you talked to your Dad about it? What would make him feel more comfortable?

 

[Independent Gal]

I understand why you're frustrated! I know it feels like there IS a hurry, but there really isn't. As we often say on here, the older you get, the more you see that some of the first ones to get engaged and married end up being the first ones divorced... Life doesn't move in a straight line and it's not a race, so if you end up having to wait an extra couple of years to get hitched, it might actually be a good thing. For one, you'll be out of college and you'll both be out in the real world. Life is WAY different out in the real world than it is in college, and making sure your relationship works out there before getting hitched isn't such a bad move. Being out on your own rather than going straight from dorm to wife isn't such a bad thing either.

If I were your dad, while I might ultimately be supportive of whatever decision you make, I would be very, very worried too. Not because I didn't love you, but because I DID love you.

Now, that said, the fact that your dad didn't support your decision to do bio is a little worrying. That is a shame. But then again, my dad was totally freaked at what I studied in college too, and he eventually came around. Give him time! Prove him wrong by getting a good job. That's what I did.

 

[metaphor85]

In this case, I really don''t think that my parents are right. My dad has never even been to college, and time and time again he''s proven to me that he''s ignorant of a lot of things relating to education and careers.

From my most recent conversation with Dad, it sounded like the only people who can be successful in his eyes are engineers.
Money is the most important thing in the world to my dad. For example, he had a dispute with some of his siblings about inheritance money after my grandpa died, and he won''t even talk to those siblings anymore. He thinks of them as thieves and liars.

If it were up to him, he wouldn''t let me get married for another ten years

 

[designchica]

I can see why you would be frustrated. Understand that your dad loves you and is perhaps a bit hard-headed but he''s doing his job and looking out for your best interest.

 

[mimzy]

i''m sorry your dad is being less than supportive right now

i can sort of relate. I''m 22 also and my dad always said he WOULD NOT be okay with me getting married until after i had a real job (i''m in grad school right now) AND i was able to buy a house. My boyfriend graduated with a degree in computer engineering had a difficult time finding a job, and when he did, it wasn''t the greatest paying job (about 20k less than what other first year engineers in the area were getting paid). My dad expressed his, um, dissatisfaction with my then-bf''s choice of job and said that we couldn''t get married until he got a new one, in addition to his other ''stipulations''.

well, that wasn''t going to work for us, so we sat down and worked out a budget that detailed our expenses and income talked with my dad that WE were okay with OUR decision to live cheaply for a few extra years (he''s big on $$ too) and that we were both adults, that we''ve always acted responsibly in the past, and that we were ready for this. He eventually came around, and despite a very long, cautionary talk with my FI when he asked for his blessing, he gave it to us.

Once your BF gets a job i would sit down all three of you together and just explain to him how happy you two are together and that you''re adults and show him that you will be able to lead a life of a certain standard as a married, employed couple

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/10/2008 4:25:34 PM
Author: metaphor85
In this case, I really don''t think that my parents are right. My dad has never even been to college, and time and time again he''s proven to me that he''s ignorant of a lot of things relating to education and careers.

From my most recent conversation with Dad, it sounded like the only people who can be successful in his eyes are engineers.

Money is the most important thing in the world to my dad. For example, he had a dispute with some of his siblings about inheritance money after my grandpa died, and he won''t even talk to those siblings anymore. He thinks of them as thieves and liars.

If it were up to him, he wouldn''t let me get married for another ten years

I assume your dad is helping to support you while you''re in college? Once you graduate and get a job, your dad has absolutely no say over you, so you can and should do whatever you want. Normally I''d say that you should think about your dad''s reasons for disliking your boyfriend, but it seems like you know exactly what his problem with your boyfriend is and it''s not very reasonable.

However, you''re only 22 and 23, so waiting to get married isn''t the worst thing in the world. In my opinion, it''s probably healthier for your relationship for you to be out of college for a little while, living on your own and working. That way you can adjust to adulthood before jumping right into a marriage. That seems like a lot of changes at once.

 

[Pandora II]

I switched degree courses - if I''d told my parents I was a crack addict and pregnant I think they would have been less angry!

That said, I do understand where your dad is coming from - he is looking out for you. I would be worried if my daughter was in the same situation.

I also think that looking at what your friends etc are doing is a bad idea. All my friends who got married in their early 20''s are either divorced or on their second marriages.

You have the rest of your lives to be married, so why not spend some quality time enjoying each others company, travelling etc and not getting stuck into playing house. Hey, at 35 I still think I''d like to move to some far-flung country for an adventure - but I now have a mortgage and have to pretend I''m responsible really and cook, clean etc

 

[INdmbLove]

After reading over your few posts I find that you do not necessarily approve of some of the life decisions that your father has made for himself (siblings) and you do not share the same values as him (namely the money factor)- and I guess I find myself wondering why if you believe you are ready to marry- his blessing is really necessary.

Maybe I''m a little untraditional in this- but I would advise you to examine the areas of concern for your father- but if you find that you are still in your heart feeling it necessary to be married RIGHT NOW- you have to trust YOUR judgement.

I''m not saying to disrespect your father- and I''m also not saying that he is wrong.. I think waiting until you are both financially stable is a Wonderful idea (so much so... I''m doing it myself!)-what is the point in rushing into being married when you simply are not yet ready!- as many people have said- you have Plenty of time for that!

YOU know what is best for YOU.... Take consideration to what your father has said, put a great deal of thought and conversation into it with your BF and if you do decide that you are ready to be married - be prepared for what that might mean (paying for school and the wedding on your own, and of course the possible bruised relationship)

This leads me to an interesting question for all of the LIW - do you Really need "permission"/ blessing to marry?

 

[KimberlyH]

At what point can/will you say to your father that while you respect his opinions, you disagree with him on this subject and intend to be married with or without his support?

I''m not recommending you do this, I am just wondering what ties you to him so strongly that you feel you can''t be married until he approves. Your word choice is interesting, you say he won''t "let you" get married. I could be reading too much into it or you could truly feel you must have his approval to be married.

An aside: the order in which you and your friends thought you would be engaged is meaningless and should not be the basis upon which you determin your readiness. What matters is that you are emotionally and financially ready to commit to one another.

 

[surfgirl]

It''s really hard to be content sometimes, because so many of my close friends have just gotten engaged or married recently, and they were always so sure that I''d be the first among them to be engaged. *sigh*

I cant really get past the above statement. You might want to read the "Psychology of Engagement/Marriage" thread we''ve got going for some perspectives on the above statement.

As for your Dad, you have to do what''s right for you.

 

[meresal]

I just have a few questions and comments...

Your bf is just out of college, doesn''t have a job yet, and you are still in school... Have you even thought about the fact that you might have to relocate so that you can find a good job?? Have you talked about it with your bf?? Have you looked into cities where it would be easy for you both to find work and where you could handle living(ie away from family and friends possibly)?? These are all very important things when you are planning to devote yourself to someone for the rest of your life. And if he already has the ring then this is unnecessary, but how is he supposed to buy you an e-ring with no job and just out of school?? This is the 21st century and you have to be able to stand on your own, before you can rely on someone else to hold you... I''m not just talking about divorce, accidents happen everyday and you have to be able survive if something were to happen to him. I have myself watched friends get engaged and married, and it''s so much harder when your in college. It''s like there is some kind of timeline, and you feel like you''re falling behind; but trust me you AREN''T. And once you graduate, you will realize that the rest of the world is on a much slower timeline than all of the college romances.

 

[Haven]

metaphor--Welcome to PS!

I''m sorry to hear that your father isn''t supporting your desire to marry right now, but I have to agree with the others that perhaps his concern is worth considering quite seriously. I know how it feels to want to get married as soon as you realize that you''ve found THE man for you, but if I were your father I would probably say the same thing he said. I would wish for you two to wait a few years after college to marry. After all--what''s the rush? You love each other so neither one of you is going anywhere.

And things change after college, this is a transition that may take some getting used to, and I''m cautioning you to allow yourself time to adjust to your post-college life before you also put yourself in the position of adjusting to a newly-betrothed and then married life.

One of my sisters is in a very similar position as you--she''s 22 (graduating from my alma mater in May), her BF is 23 (he has a great job as a H.S. physics teacher), and they''ve been together for over six years, since high school. However, they''ve already planned on waiting at least two years after college to get engaged so they can give themselves time to adjust to their adult non-student lives. (I will admit that the sage advice of her dear older sister may have had some impact on this decision . . . ) Ultimately, they realized that if they are going to be together, there is NO need to get married so soon. And I think they''re making the right decision.

Take your time. Savor the moment. Relish your last semester in college. Spend some time getting acquainted with the working world. Get to know yourself as an adult rather than a college student. And then worry about getting married. Life is in diapers--you have quite a lot of time to become a married couple.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 1/10/2008 9:48:03 PM
Author: surfgirl

It''s really hard to be content sometimes, because so many of my close friends have just gotten engaged or married recently, and they were always so sure that I''d be the first among them to be engaged. *sigh*

I cant really get past the above statement. You might want to read the ''Psychology of Engagement/Marriage'' thread we''ve got going for some perspectives on the above statement.


As for your Dad, you have to do what''s right for you.

Date: 1/10/2008 9:48:03 PM
Author: surfgirl

It''s really hard to be content sometimes, because so many of my close friends have just gotten engaged or married recently, and they were always so sure that I''d be the first among them to be engaged. *sigh*

I cant really get past the above statement. You might want to read the ''Psychology of Engagement/Marriage'' thread we''ve got going for some perspectives on the above statement.


As for your Dad, you have to do what''s right for you.

Date: 1/10/2008 9:48:03 PM
Author: surfgirl

It''s really hard to be content sometimes, because so many of my close friends have just gotten engaged or married recently, and they were always so sure that I''d be the first among them to be engaged. *sigh*

I cant really get past the above statement. You might want to read the ''Psychology of Engagement/Marriage'' thread we''ve got going for some perspectives on the above statement.


As for your Dad, you have to do what''s right for you.

Me too surfgirl.

Huge red flag if I''ve ever seen one...Like size o'' Alaska.

 

[SeeShell]

Date: 1/10/2008 4:25:34 PM
Author: metaphor85

From my most recent conversation with Dad, it sounded like the only people who can be successful in his eyes are engineers.

Money is the most important thing in the world to my dad.

Hey there. Sorry about the troubles you are going through. I just wanted to offer a little insight on the whole career thing, coming from someone in a similar field of study (microbiology/biochem for me)

From what I have seen, at the bachelor''s level area, in general, engineers make far more money than science majors. However, if you are interested in the Big Pharma companies, you are much more likely to find someone who will pay you competitively. I am just out of college myself, and am making nearly as much as my engineer fiance! Just look around when you job hunt, don''t accept the first place that offers you low hourly wages or the place that gives you a low salary and expects you to clean up animal waste on weekends. Also, look for a place that will give you some help if you want to go back to school and get your master''s or PhD!

Let me know if you want any more advice on this - I just went through the job hunt in the summer. It''s not easy with a science degree sometimes if you only have a bachelors. Keep your chin up.

Tell your dad that you can be just as successful as an engineer with that science degree. One of my co-workers graduated with a biology degree from a small college and we are both making JUST AS MUCH as the biochemical engineers.

I really hope things work out with you. Good luck!

-SeeShell

 

[chocolatefudge]

I''m sorry everyone but this does not sound familiar to me! Of course your father is looking out for you but to not support your boyfriend because he is waiting tables?? I don''t know whether this is another difference between UK and USA but it sounds little snobbish to me. Your boyfriend is trying to get a job, he has a degree and you are studying for a degree...... Are these negative things?? If your boyfriend was not trying to find a job or had dropped out of college then I could maybe understand concern being shown but this situation doesn''t seem fair to me.

If your father had said to your bf, "I am happy for you to marry my daughter but think that you should wait until you are financially stable." Then fair enough, he would be offering advice.......

I''m going back to read the original post again as I have maybe read it wrong........

 

[chocolatefudge]

That being said, my dad made it clear that he doesn''t trust my boyfriend. Boyfriend is currently a server at a restaurant and is searching for a real full-time job to start his career. He''s had two interviews at this one company so far, said they went very well, and is probably going to get a third interview! I''m so proud of my boy and excited for him!

Dad''s problem is that he has a hard time seeing past what''s happening now. He''s convinced that my boy is going to be waiting tables for the rest of his life and is not impressed by my boy''s possible new job. What he doesn''t realize that just because you graduate from college doesn''t mean that you''re automatically going to find a job that pays upwards of $50k a year.

Ok, I''ve read it again and still don''t get it! I''m sorry, but I don''t think it is your dad''s concern how much your boyfriend earns. Why would he not ''trust him'' because he waits tables?
Why is he not impressed with his new possible job and is it really anything to do with him?

I don''t mean to be disrespectful to your dad but this whole thing seems surreal to me. Is this the norm??

 

[HollyS]

I think there is more going on between your dad and the BF than you are telling us. Trust is an issue . . . why?

Or, perhaps your dad told him that he thinks both of you need good jobs first before you get married, and you''ve interpreted that to mean "NO"? You do need good jobs first; marriage is expensive; kids are expensive; life is expensive. Without a handle on your future, and an actual job between you (because degrees mean squat until someone hires you), the two of you aren''t ready to plan a wedding.

And finally, if you are supporting yourself (and apparently you are not), you don''t need anyone''s permission to do anything . . . including marry. If you have to ask, and need the emotional support and permission of your family, you aren''t ready. In your case, you''ve indicated that asking Dad is not merely a nice custom, but a neccessary step in the process.

And, again, I''ll say it. How many times have we addressed this on LIW? Hundreds? Just because all your friends are doing it, doesn''t mean it''s your turn.