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Future sister-in-law advice needed!

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plantationcatt

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Oh my. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over four years--and two weeks ago his sister told him that she was having serious trouble with me-she''s been intentionally acted intimidating, been cold, resents me for "stealing her brother" etc. Funny thing is, she''s never been directly mean or rude. There is usually tension between us in the room, but it''s not obvious to anyone else. The last few months, we''ve been on a couple of shopping outings and basketball game by ourselves, and I thought it went perfectly fine, that we were becoming friends.
She''s a couple years older, married, and so I guess I am intimidated to begin with. But I am a nice person, never ever rude to her--I keep telling myself that she doesn''t have a problem with me personally, that it''s just the fact that I am dating her brother.
Last weekend, she told him that the Lord had laid it on her heart to stop being hurtful towards me, and to talk to me. So we had supper and talked for two hours, laid all of our cards out on the table. She apologized, asked for forgiveness--but told me that it was going to take us getting married for her to fully accept me and be friendly, and even then it would be hard. We cleard up some things--she had been thinking for all of these years that I had been inviting myself to family functions (as in 5 person funcitions), when it''s been her mother, or Joel. No one else in the family feels like she does. Her husband and I chatted a few days ago, and he tried to explain to me that it''s just because i''m not in the family, that he can empathize. But no matter what everyone has said, this is just hurting me so badly. I want her to be my sister! I want her to be a maid of honor! I want her to be able to call me and cry on my shoulder when she needs to. I''m not pushing that at all at this stage, that would make her worse. I am just frustrated, it''s almost driving me to drink!
What can I do? I don''t want to stop attending things to keep her from being upset at my presence, but I don''t want to alienate myself from her either? I know I need to let her lead, but I just need some empathy and unbiased advice!
Thanks!
 
here's the deal. . . there will always be one person that is like this. it seems to be a rule. whether they are open about it or not. Take it for what it is. she's not going to accept you wholly until you are a part of the family. This might be because then it is ok for Joel to think of you as being as important or more important than her (because you will be his wife and not "just" his girlfriend or his fiancee). Do you understand what i mean? Some people are just protective (read:possesive) about their family like this. Don't push her to like you. She knows that you are invited to things now because of Joel and the mother and that it is not your doing. If everyone else likes you, count your lucky stars. My boyfriends whole family hates me expect one person (racism). I count my lucky stars that at least one person has some idea of who i am :-) Take a deep breath. You did the right thing by speaking to her. Now just let it be. . . I know that's hard but seriously. . .you'll drive yourself nuts thinking about it. And you have the rest of your life to deal with in-law issues. Let them wax and wane. Because they will.

**hug***

cellososweet

p.s.- now that she realizes that you aren't going anywhere (yes. . .seriously this HITS people all of a sudden), she might be flipping a lil.
 
I have a similar situation but with my soon to be mother-in-law (aka, my BF''s mom!). She is very possesive!. It drives me nuts. I have done nothing but try...actually sometimes my family has told me that I try too hard and I really shouldn''t!. It''s is so hard...so I feel for you!. At least your sister-in-law laid it on the table. My BFs mom "acts" like she loves me...but I know she doesn''t...I know she feels I''m stealing her son or whatever....she doesn''t realize that I am NOT in competition with her and never will be!. I am not ever going to replace her...nor do I want to! His mom is his mom...just like Joel''s sister is his sister...that is never going to change and she needs to realize that..and accept it.

In many ocassions I''ve been really hurt....I feel like his mom likes me...but only because I am as "good as it will get"....but there won''t ever be anoybody perfect for her son. She acts like we should be equals and doesn''t realize that both relationships are different. There is something about female family members and BFs...isn''t there???

All I can say is what my mom told me... "don''t play her game". Just try (I know it is very hard) to not let her get to you so much. It''s almost like they just want you to know tht they are more important in their son/brother''s lifes. You are doing the right thing by being honest with her....just be patient...maybe in the future she will just let it go and accept you 100%. Don''t push for a relationship with her....if it happens then great!....but if it doesn''t then just keep being respectful, honest and kind.

Good luck!!!
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M~
 
Just count your blessings it''s not his MOTHER!
 
Date: 2/17/2006 4:26:11 PM
Author:plantationcatt
Last weekend, she told him that the Lord had laid it on her heart to stop being hurtful towards me, and to talk to me. So we had supper and talked for two hours, laid all of our cards out on the table. She apologized, asked for forgiveness--but told me that it was going to take us getting married for her to fully accept me and be friendly, and even then it would be hard. We cleard up some things--she had been thinking for all of these years that I had been inviting myself to family functions (as in 5 person funcitions), when it''s been her mother, or Joel. No one else in the family feels like she does.
If the ''LORD'' had truly laid it on her heart to stop being hurtful, she WOULD. But you have to get a freaking piece of paper for her to be friendly to you? And even then it would be HARD??? Give me a break!!!!!!! She needs a smack.

We only know your half of the situation here, but it sounds like she has no real legitimate basis for these feelings and actions towards you...only her own jealousy. If you let this bother you and consume you, it will. You need to realize that if you are doing all you can to be nice to her, it''s ENOUGH. You can''t make someone like you if they don''t want to, particularly if their dislike is based on irrationality. All you can do is be yourself, and try not to let her bother you. DO NOT avoid family situations simply because you feel your presence might bother her. If your presence is so offputting, nobody would want to be near you. That''s clearly not the case. So, if she''s bothered by you, let HER stay home. Life is too short to try and make everybody happy. Even more so if you''re trying to make somebody happy who can''t be. She needs to deal with her irrational jealousy herself, and nothing you do is going to make it better. She needs to get over it in her own way. It may not happen quickly, but if she''s logical at all, it will happen. She may never be the type of SIL to call you up and cry on your shoulder. And that''s okay. Don''t try to force it. Good luck!
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Date: 2/17/2006 6:32:02 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 2/17/2006 4:26:11 PM
Author:plantationcatt
Last weekend, she told him that the Lord had laid it on her heart to stop being hurtful towards me, and to talk to me. So we had supper and talked for two hours, laid all of our cards out on the table. She apologized, asked for forgiveness--but told me that it was going to take us getting married for her to fully accept me and be friendly, and even then it would be hard. We cleard up some things--she had been thinking for all of these years that I had been inviting myself to family functions (as in 5 person funcitions), when it''s been her mother, or Joel. No one else in the family feels like she does.
If the ''LORD'' had truly laid it on her heart to stop being hurtful, she WOULD. But you have to get a freaking piece of paper for her to be friendly to you? And even then it would be HARD??? Give me a break!!!!!!! She needs a smack.

We only know your half of the situation here, but it sounds like she has no real legitimate basis for these feelings and actions towards you...only her own jealousy. If you let this bother you and consume you, it will. You need to realize that if you are doing all you can to be nice to her, it''s ENOUGH. You can''t make someone like you if they don''t want to, particularly if their dislike is based on irrationality. All you can do is be yourself, and try not to let her bother you. DO NOT avoid family situations simply because you feel your presence might bother her. If your presence is so offputting, nobody would want to be near you. That''s clearly not the case. So, if she''s bothered by you, let HER stay home. Life is too short to try and make everybody happy. Even more so if you''re trying to make somebody happy who can''t be. She needs to deal with her irrational jealousy herself, and nothing you do is going to make it better. She needs to get over it in her own way. It may not happen quickly, but if she''s logical at all, it will happen. She may never be the type of SIL to call you up and cry on your shoulder. And that''s okay. Don''t try to force it. Good luck!
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Ditto!!!

Remember you chose her brother, not her. It''s so hard, but you have to let her come to terms with your relationship on her own. It is a two way street and you can''t be the only one working towards a friendship.

Best wishes,

Heather
 
Your FSIL has some serious mental issues. She shouldn''t have to wait until you are married and she shouldn''t have had to have divine intervention to be nice to you. Honestly, the fact that her brother loves you should be enough for her, if she wasn''t irrational & jealous. Her comments to you were really cruel and I see why you are hurt & upset. She should have never said those things to you, especially since all of this is really her problem, not yours.

You seem like a really good person, otherwise, you wouldn''t be upset about the situation nor would it affect you so. After you''re satisfied that you made your best efforts, if you aren''t already satisfied, you have to quit trying and quit worrying about it, although I *know* that it''s easier said than done. You can still be nice and still be polite, but you have to accept that you will probably never have the relationship with your FSIL that you were hoping for. Try to aim for polite & tolerable. If she keeps this up, your fiance, or even his parents, needs to tell his sister to knock it off. Usually family pressure will help these catty women reign in the hate.
 
You can''t force a relationship to be what it isn''t.




Date: 2/17/2006 4:26:11 PM
Author:plantationcatt
She apologized, asked for forgiveness--but told me that it was going to take us getting married for her to fully accept me and be friendly, and even then it would be hard.
This statement tells me a lot. Your FSIL has issues that only she can deal with. You should live your life how you want to. Continue to attend family events because it is clear that noone else has an issue with you. She will either come around or not. At least she is honest - she may not ever be able to change.

I give you credit for even trying to improve this relationship. I have a hard time letting go of things! You''re a better woman than I am!
 
Thanks yall--we haven''t spoken since, but I will definitly keep yall up to date! I appreciate the advice, it really hit home. Now I''m finding more things to worry about...like making enough soup at once to last me all week (there''s a wintry mix outside)!!!
 
Actually, I think she has done a very heathy thing to approach you and talk about it in the open.

For reasons I will never know people get protective and jelouse. I think that she is realizing that this is wrong - and it may even be a message from the lord that her behaviour and feelings are not appropriate (and some people will never admit in the slightest that they were/are wrong on an issue).

I think she is trying to start accepting you - and the first thing she had to do was to admit the issue. Now that she has admitted the issue she can work more on solving it.

It will probably be rocky for a while yet - but longterm - she may turn out to be your biggest friend. People who have learned to identify their own problems and work them out (by whatever means) ususally do very well in the end. She is also just as likely to transfer the same family love and protection to you once she accepts you.

The best thing that you can do in this situation is to tell her that you forgive her for her fealings - but only if you really do (and it might take a bit before you do).

Perry
 
Date: 2/17/2006 4:26:11 PM
Author:plantationcatt
She apologized, asked for forgiveness--but told me that it was going to take us getting married for her to fully accept me and be friendly, and even then it would be hard.
Hi, She sounds very passive agressive/manipulative, she apologized and asked for forgiveness but at the same time says she's still not going to fully accept you and be friendly?!?!?!?! Ummmmmmm k...
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I'm guessing that she has serious issues with life and not just with you.

I dated a guy whose father had serious jealous issues with me and his son. Very pathetic if you ask me. It also took a toll on our relationship. A huge thing was the my boyfriend expected me to deal with it, but as far as I was concerned it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with his dad and him. A father should not be jealous of anything related to his son, he should be happy for his son's fortune...same as any family member (mother, sister, etc). Your boyfriend needs to deal with this more than you...he needs to confront his sister and tell her to chill out! One day it could come down to you and her, who will he choose?? I'm sure she wouldn't like that answer.
 
Thank yall so much for your advice. I don''t know what I''d do without yall. just a quick update--I went this weekend with Joel''s family to visit him at school--his parents and his sister and her husband. The five of us rode in the car together, and spent the night and what not. And it went well. We even played blackjack and had a couple of beers (not normal for us at all.) She actually asked a stranger to take a picture of all of us together, and spoke to me personally (briefly) a few times, and hugged me goodbye. So things are on the up and up! Thanks again, and I''ll keep yall posted!
 
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