Generations and marriage

[Lanie]

I just hit 30 (boo) and I have noticed that women in the generation above me waited to get married until they were in their 30's. I know of lots of single women who are in their mid thirties who chose career over marriage, or just didn't find a guy that met their standards. It's kind of the Sex in the City mentality of dating around, and then waiting awhile to find that special guy. Same with the Friends series.

NOW, it seems that the generation under me, those that are 22-26 or so have chosen to get married quite young. Lots are getting married fresh out of college, and it seems like it's going back to the trend of the 1950's where they found a nice young man, and then scooped him up without dating around much.

Has anyone else noticed this? Maybe it's a southern thing these days...

 

[sandia_rose]

I don't know if it's a Southern thing or not -- I'm a New Englander and I notice something similar. And in this part of the country - between NYC and Boston - you see proportionately more "professional" and "corporate career" type women than in other parts of the country. Not to generalize; this could just be my experience.

My friends/female aquaintances are in two groups: women my age (mid 30s - early 40s) who are single and looking rabidly now that the clock's ticking and women who are just out of college and either married, planning to be, or also looking rabidly to get married.

I was previously married, and when I was in my 20s (late 80s/early 90s), friends of mine were getting married in swarms. The only ones of us who weren't getting married or looking to were career-focused or education-focused or enjoying the wild 80s single lifestyle. I fit into the last two categories. I married my ex when I was 33, divorced him when I was 37. But when I got married, I'd established a career. Friends of mine who got married earlier had teenagers, while I had a new baby.

But, I was at a wedding the day before Easter where the bride and groom were both in their early 20s. The son of one of my BF's friends. The bride and groom are both in the Army and are in line to go to Iraq. A new policy was passed by the Army and I believe all of the Armed Services where married couples can now be stationed together - share a bunker, etc. They came home for a quickie wedding just so they could ship out together. The bride's sister was her bridesmaid, and I noticed that she was wearing a wedding set -- and she couldn't have been more than 19 or 20. When I was 19 or 20, to be totally honest, I was too interested in clubbing and partying to settle down with anyone.

I'm not sure why it is that all the young girls (not to sound disrespectful - I call all females under 90 "girls", including myself) are getting married now. I did have a conversation with a friend of mine who is in her late 30s, like me, last week where we were talking about this. She wanted to know why all of the younger ones were getting married, and I said something like, "Well, do you remember when we were in our 20s and all we wanted to do was hook up? Maybe the younger ones got smart and realized that hooking up doesn't work --- unless they want to be like us, looking at 40 and still being single."

The older I get, the more I realize that my grandmother's and mother's ethics and ways of handling relationships make more sense. I love Sex In The City as much as anyone else -- it's the TV version of a beach book -- but actually living that way gets real old after a while.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[janinegirly]

I have noticed the wait till 30''s trend but not so much what you describe of the 20''s set. That might be b/c I live in NYC though where people tend to not be the types who marry right out of school. However most of my friends in their 30''s who are single are focusing on their careers because there''s no one around, not vice versa. Alot mid 30 something''s I know like that "sex and the city" image, but truth is, if they could, they''d marry and settle down in a second.

 

[gwendolyn]

Hey, I just hit 30 too and I''m not booing it! It''s a celebration! We are confident, learned women in our sexual prime!! Live it up and enjoy it, baby!!

Anyway, my experience hasn''t been the same as yours. Most people I know have been getting married in their late 20''s, and I''ll be getting married sometimes in my early 30''s, I suspect, as will one of my best friends. I do have one pair of friends who got married right out of college (both at 22), but everyone else I know dated a few people and got married around 28 or 29 (almost all my friends got engaged the same year and got married the next--it was like watching dominoes fall). It seemed to me (and this is based on nothing other than just my speculation) like they saw the first couple get engaged and thought, "Hey, it is about the time for that, isn''t it?" and everyone else did the same. So it looked to me like it was more about our social circle, our social culture, than anything else. Oh, and a few of them grew up in homes where their parents were divorced, and they wanted to wait to get married because they didn''t want to rush into things and get divorced like their parents, so that was a factor too for some.

Anyway, that was kinda rambly, sorry.

 

[lliang_chi]

I think the young marrieds is a geographic thing. In the South & Midwest (I''ve lived in both), there''s a lot of fresh out of college weddings. I think in larger, more cosmopolitan areas, the weddings are later, perhaps 30''s? I''ll be one of those late 20''s gals, probably get married sometime next year.

And Lanie & Gwendolyn, as my FI says, "it''s not 30, it''s 20-10"

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

My experience has been a lot of “either or”. Either my friends have gotten married right out of school OR they wait until their 30’s. It seems like those couples who did not marry in their early 20’s have had no problem pushing marriage off into their 30’s. Unfortunately, the few who have gotten married in their early 20’s seem to be getting divorced at an alarmingly fast rate among my group of friends.

On a personal note, I am very happy that I have waited until the last leg of my 20’s to get the engagement itch. By the time I do get married, I will be in my 30’s and although I spent a lot of time feeling like I wasn’t where I thought I would be in life (not married, no prospects of a family coming soon) I’m slowly learning that taking things slow and purposefully has been the most beneficial thing I could do.

When my first long-term relationship fell apart after 5 years when I was in my early 20’s, I was immediately thankful he never gave into my pressures for a ring. I did a LOT of growing up from my early to late twenties. I experienced so many things I never would have done had I been tethered to a relationship. Most importantly to me, it was during my early to mid twenties that I learned to live alone and depend only on myself for everything I needed or wanted out of life. My goals, hopes and drives all changed significantly. Now that I have a better understanding of myself and a better understanding of what it takes to not only be in a relationship but live happily on my own, I finally feel comfortable making a life-long commitment.

 

[redfaerythinker]

This is an interesting topic that I hear a lot about... mostly from my mother. She keeps telling me... "But I thought girls were waiting until their thirties to get married nowadays." I think that usually people get married out of college or they wait until they have established careers and lives. I don''t know if any of this is going to come out right but here goes. I grew up in the Atlanta GA so I would consider myself, metropolitan born and raised. I have traveled the world... or at least the parts I really wanted to see. I have had my "party phase" and I am ready to share my life with someone. I have not taken the marriage thought process lightly at all. I tend to be a thinker by nature. I know that my boyfriend and I are young, however we have already weathered so many hardships. Mainly him breaking his arm in three places needing emergency surgery and my father dying on the same day. I know that we will grow and change a lot in the coming years, as in the rest of our lives. But we enter into this with a commitment to change TOGETHER.

I guess I''ll get off my soap box now, but it worries me that I am lumped in with all of these people who are in a rush to get married and then by default will be divorced just because I am 21. Sure there are many of life''s experiences that I have not had yet. But there is one thing that i know for sure. No matter what I want to do in life... I would never want to do them unless he was there to share it with me.

Just my 2 cents

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Megs –I hope you didn’t take my response as an attack on every person in their early 20’s. It wasn’t meant to be that. I was just sharing what my experience has been and that for me, waiting was the smart thing to do.

I think being ready to get married is a very personal decision. There are folks who do it for the right reasons and some who do not think their actions through fully. There are plenty of 30 year olds who are not completely ready for marriage and plenty of people in their early 20’s who are ready. I definitely do not think that every couple who marries young is destined for divorce just as I do not think every couple who waits is destined to have a perfect marriage. I guess what it boils down to is there are people who are very mature for their age and some who, even after reading one or two posts, I cringe and think “this person clearly has some growing up to do” it’s the couples who clearly have some growing up to do that could use some extra time in making such a weighty decision.

Age is just a number. It just took me a couple of extra numbers to feel ready.

I am happy for you to have found someone who you could go through such horrible experiences with and still come out on top. That is incredibly admirable.

 

[Lanie]

Keepingthefaith -- I wholeheartedly agree. It''s different for everyone. If I would have married the man of my dreams at 21, I KNOW I''d be divorced or stuck in an unhappy marriage. Same for the guy I would have married at 27. I was torn apart and it was very hard, but all of those frogs brought me to my awesome prince right now

 

[Bia]

I have to agree with many of these ladies in that many women in the Northeast (I am from Boston but live in NYC) wait until their late twenties to early thirties--after they''ve finished college (many graduate school). Only one of my friends got married in her twenties and she did so as a result of an unexpected pregnancy. The rest of my friends are still happily dating in hopes of finding (or some not interested in finding!) Mr. Right. Those of us in long-term relationships (me!!!) are definitely WAITING!

 

[justwondering]

I think where you are raised geographically can play a huge role in when you want to marry. I grew up in boston, and my FI is from the south. He wanted to get married right out of college, and I wanted to wait until 28 or 29...we''ve compromised on 26...

 

[Pandora II]

I''ve noticed a difference but not in that way.

I''m 36 this year (although I''m really just 22 in an older casing

) and certainly all my peers are just starting to get engaged/married now. But then I''m based in London where you probably can''t afford a garden shed until your late 20''s so that tends to make a difference.

However, I have a 23 year old sister and my assistant, Alex, until recently is also 23. When I was 23, my female friends and I all wondered and dreamed about marrying our boyfriends although we knew it was not going to happen.

I''ve noticed a real hard edge among the current young 20''s. Both my sister and Alex date men, even fairly serious relationships for a year +, with zero intent or thought of any sort of commitment. They don''t seem to have the conscience I had about ''stringing people along'' or about going for dinner with men just because they want to be taken for dinner and anyone will do.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Hmm..I don''t know if I''d call it a southern thing, but who knows. I am in the south and getting married at 22 or 23 depending on the date we pick so I guess I match the trend? We''ll be getting married after I graduate college. Most of the people I know are not getting married right now. The only people I know that are married or getting married are marrying men in the marines or the girl is not going to college at all.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

i''m 22 and my fiance is 23. we live just outside of NYC and we are the first of our friends to be married. we are one of those "older" couples though. we are both done with college and i''ll have my graduate degree finished in may 09 plus we have been together almost seven years. he might be the only guy i have ever "been with" but i have no hang-ups with that. he has supported me through a lot and i have done the same for him.

my mother got married when she was about the same age as me. this was my father, and they had a horrible marriage. my fiance''s parents were married at 16 for dad and 18 for mom, they had him a few months after. their relationship hasn''t always been stable, in fact it''s quite dysfunctional, so we both know what we don''t want in a marriage. together though, we have found a nice balance. we are both thankfully educated, which i feel makes a huge difference no matter what your age, and we both know what we want in the future and how we plan on getting there, together.

are people my age usually ready for marriage? i really don''t think so, but there are a few of us freaky young couples who are in it for the long haul, i for one, can''t wait!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/3/2008 6:36:14 PM
Author: Asscherhalo_lover
are people my age usually ready for marriage? i really don''t think so, but there are a few of us freaky young couples who are in it for the long haul, i for one, can''t wait!

I agree completely and feel the same way!

 

[redfaerythinker]

No offense taken Keepingthefaith. I guess I just wanted to put in my bit as a younger person waiting to get married. Sometimes it''s really easy to get defensive when it seems that everyone around you is telling you that you are too young to know anything. I am of the opinion that as long as there are those that are older... I will always be too young. LOL what a catch 22! It especially irks me when those who are telling me that i''m too young have been happily married since they were my age. Ummmm hello? Oh well, I will stop Teehee

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/3/2008 6:53:09 PM
Author: redfaerythinker
No offense taken Keepingthefaith. I guess I just wanted to put in my bit as a younger person waiting to get married. Sometimes it''s really easy to get defensive when it seems that everyone around you is telling you that you are too young to know anything. I am of the opinion that as long as there are those that are older... I will always be too young. LOL what a catch 22! It especially irks me when those who are telling me that i''m too young have been happily married since they were my age. Ummmm hello? Oh well, I will stop Teehee

First let me say I am not talking about you Keepingthefaith21 or anyone else on this thread! But, I agree, it does get frustrating. Although, I don''t really feel that way until I come to PS sometimes, haha. Most people aren''t judgmental, but sometimes I feel like people are. When someone talks about people 22 or so not knowing that they are doing/being way too young, I kind of feel like, "Wow what does this person think about me when I read my posts?" Maybe I am just paranoid! I just would hope people don''t make judgments like that about me based only on my age. I may be young and I may still have a ways to go in life, but that doesn''t mean I am not ready to make the next biggest commitment of my life thus far. I certainly have my opinions, also; however, my opinions on age tend to focus on the specific person. E.G. One of my family members is older than me and getting married soon, but I am pretty confident from the things they say they have NO idea what they are getting into. It''ll be interesting to say the least.

Do I think you can know 100%? No, but I do think you can think things through and really understand how big of a commitment it is and I think that it is also key (as happy as you are) to know that it will more than likely not stay a fairytale. You can still love someone will all of your heart and have a bad day, but that''s when it really matters that you''re close enough as both lovers and friends to make it through. Just my .02.