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Gift Etiquette

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Hudson_Hawk

Hudson_Hawk

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I have a bit of a dilemma. Many of our guests were very generous in their gifts which we''re so appreciative of. I deposited the checks we received promptly upon our return from the honeymoon. One of them bounced. I''m waiting to find out which check it was as we received three of the same amount, but I suspect it was the check from my MIL for several reasons.


How would you approach this? Would you raise the issue with the person or just let it go and pretend it didn''t happen.
 
Waaaa... awkward! Honestly, if it were me, I would let it go. But that may be because I'm a chicken?
 
Hmm... touchy situation. But I would def. say something b/c it will affect her bank account also. But let her know somehow that you aren''t telling her to recoup your present......
 
Oh no! No matter who it was it seems they will be embarrassed! I suppose that I might just let it go.

OR - Could you word it in a way that sounds like you are looking out for them? "the check we got from you didn''t go thru. I hope that it was okay we cashed it" or "I hope we didn''t mess up your account".

haha!! That is SO passive aggressive which I normally hate!
 
Oh snap! Hmmm...MIL, eh? I''d have your husband bring it up with her. Anyone else, I''d probably let it go, but the MIL is family so I think it''s okay to bring it up delicately.
 
The problem is she''s totally the type to deny that it happened and say we must be mistaken. She''s famous for sending us cards with "gifts" in them and when we get the cards the "gift" is nowhere to be found. Then when she asks us if we got the gift and we say "what gift" she swears up and down that she put $20 in the card.

And it really doesn''t matter to us either way. I would have preferred that she just gave us a card with no gift. Instead she''s not only going to be embarrassed, but it''s going to cost her money in fees.

It''s funny. When DH and I opened the presents we were shocked that she gave us anything. We were expecting a card. Her gift was quite generous ($50) and it really surprised us. Then we laughed and said to each other "we''ll see if it clears." So I think I was half expecting it to bounce. But still..
 
Oh, I would flat out tell her. If for nothing else, then its a good opportunity to put the spot light on her and her actions...I mean, if you can''t afford to gift someone--don''t. But don''t bounce checks in their account, that''s not okay.

I think there is a diplomatic way to address this...like your DH calling her and saying "Mom, we need to talk...the check bounced...we don''t know what happened, and we don''t want to to pry either...but we thought you should know because it''s going to reflect badly on you in your checking account." Put it back on her, make it look like you''re doing her a favor by giving her a heads up...when really, it''s also flat out telling her "you gave a faulty check--thanks."
 
Oh Hudson, if she''s ''special'' I''d def leave it alone, your peace is def worth more than $50, she knew what she was doing and not going to change, trust me......my MIL still sends ''gift cards'' for my kids b-days....odd number$ from store return$.
 
Date: 7/22/2009 1:28:51 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
The problem is she''s totally the type to deny that it happened and say we must be mistaken. She''s famous for sending us cards with ''gifts'' in them and when we get the cards the ''gift'' is nowhere to be found. Then when she asks us if we got the gift and we say ''what gift'' she swears up and down that she put $20 in the card.

And it really doesn''t matter to us either way. I would have preferred that she just gave us a card with no gift. Instead she''s not only going to be embarrassed, but it''s going to cost her money in fees.

It''s funny. When DH and I opened the presents we were shocked that she gave us anything. We were expecting a card. Her gift was quite generous ($50) and it really surprised us. Then we laughed and said to each other ''we''ll see if it clears.'' So I think I was half expecting it to bounce. But still..
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Her behaviour seems ''odd'' however I would let it go - you''ve already said you''re not totally surprised that the check bounced so what good will it do to bring it up
 
yikes. i would hate it if i were in that position!

sorry i dont have any advice but hopefully you & DH figure out something.
 
uncomfortable, but that''s hubby''s territory! she might resent you if you bring it up to her....i''d let your husband decide whether to address it or let it go!
 
HH, I''m sorry you''re in this awkward situation. I would have DH bring it up, but stressing to your MIL that you guys are concerned about her receiving overdraft fees and penalties from her bank.
 
i think you should let your husband mention it to her as well, whether it was intentional or not, it will affect her bank account, so it''s better that she is informed, it would be worse if she finds out the fee is because of the bounced check and she wonders why you guys didn''t bother to tell her, i hate bank fees and i''m sure it would annoy her too
 
Date: 7/22/2009 2:08:38 PM
Author: ficklefaye
i think you should let your husband mention it to her as well, whether it was intentional or not, it will affect her bank account, so it''s better that she is informed, it would be worse if she finds out the fee is because of the bounced check and she wonders why you guys didn''t bother to tell her, i hate bank fees and i''m sure it would annoy her too
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Ordinarily I would agree but from reading the OP I really don''t think it will come as any surprise to this lady that her check bounced. My MIL is very geneours and I know that if she wrote us a check and it bounced she would be mortified so in those circumstances I would leave it to my DH to bring it up with her.
 
Date: 7/22/2009 1:38:40 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Oh, I would flat out tell her. If for nothing else, then its a good opportunity to put the spot light on her and her actions...I mean, if you can''t afford to gift someone--don''t. But don''t bounce checks in their account, that''s not okay.

I think there is a diplomatic way to address this...like your DH calling her and saying ''Mom, we need to talk...the check bounced...we don''t know what happened, and we don''t want to to pry either...but we thought you should know because it''s going to reflect badly on you in your checking account.'' Put it back on her, make it look like you''re doing her a favor by giving her a heads up...when really, it''s also flat out telling her ''you gave a faulty check--thanks.''
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Ditto to this!! It is an awkward situation, but she needs to know.
 
Yikes, HH!
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Awkward! I''d probably be inclined to ignore it. If I truly felt the need to address it for whatever reason, I''d make DH do it.
 
Don''t banks tell you when you''ve written a check that the recipient can''t cash? I think there''s usually a penalty unless you have overdraft coverage..? So the person will know without you mentioning it. I think. Maybe.
 
I think that I''d just let it go. If you do want to bring it up, definitely get your DH to do it. It''s such an awkward position to be put in.
 
That is very awkward indeed! However, having been the unlucky recipient of a few bounced checks, my experience has been that the person responsible for writing the check is notified by their bank. Not only are they usually assessed fees but they are often provided with a copy of the check and a note from the bank stating that the check could not be processed. I am not sure if all banks have this practice but it would be nice to think her bank did this - then she would be notified and you wouldn''t have to say anything at all.
 
I think in this instance and in the best interest of our (MIL and my) new relationship I''m going to let it go and not say anything. If DH want''s to he can, but he didn''t seem inclined to when I spoke with him earlier. It''s only $50 after all and clearly if she didn''t have enough to cover the check, she needs the money more than we do. I just feel bad and I hope she''s not embarrassed. I think mentioning it will just make things worse. She doesn''t need to be reminded of the check bouncing and I''m sure she knows that it did by now.
 
You don''t have to say anything to her, her bank will let her know that she bounced a check when they charge her for it.

If I were you, I wouldn''t say anything to her. This doesn''t sound like a battle worth fighting.
 
Given that you MIL has a pattern of behavior similar to this, I would let this go, given the timing. However, be careful as the both of you are setting the tone here & I think she should eventually be called on this the next time this happens, similar to Italiahaircolor''s response.
 
I had this happen at my engagement party. We sent them a thank you card anyway and didn''t mention the bounced checked. IMO it''s the polite thing to do.
 
If she''s really poor (and your post sort of indicates that), I guess I''d just drop it.

If she wasn''t poor and was just a weird MIL, I''d keep depositing it like 3 times. Haha, $25 to $35 in fees each time it bounced
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She''s one of those people who walk the thin line between being poor and being comfortable. Or maybe they just don''t have their priorities straight. For example, last year they bought/built a $15k pole barn to house SFIL''s truck (which he doesn''t drive) golf cart, and ATV, but they didn''t have enough to pay for oil for heat.
 
If it''s your MIL I''d def have your DH deal with it as he sees fit. It''s possible I''d let it go though - money and family, it''s just never worth it.
 
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