Gift-giving politics when you are a LIW

[galeteia]

Moments ago I was discussing my FMIL''s gift with my FF. I had suggested a gift (a spa day) which my FF had confirmed was perfect, and was bringing it up again as a reminder that December was here and we needed to get crackin'' on it.

Much to my astonishment, he suggested that we get separate gifts, because we aren''t officially engaged and his mother might feel a bit put off over getting a gift from ''us''.

To give you a bit of background, my FF and I are going to be married on May 1st, and we haven''t bothered to get officially engaged because we''re a cross-border couple and we have to get married ''early'' for immigration reasons. We''ve made peace with this unusual situation and will have a ''real'' wedding years down the road when we can afford it and feel ready.

Rather than feel resentful about having no control over the situation, we have chosen to dissociate the immigration marriage timeline from our personal timeline.

Regardless, his traditionalist mother considers us engaged as we''ve picked a date and I wear a ''placeholder'' ring. The ''immigration'' marriage, while lacking the necessary vows before God and family, is sufficient to bestow ''married'' status on us, with the understanding the traditional ceremony will come along in time so she won''t be cheated out of a proper wedding, with flowers and soggy hankies and what-have-you.

That''s fine with us.

My question is, is it appropriate for an engaged couple to give a gift as a ''couple''? In the eyes of traditionalists, are ''couples'' gifts reserved for marrieds only?

 

[bee*]

Hey Galateia

Haven''t seen you around in a while!! How are things? D and I have always gone in on presents together since we were going out about a year. I don''t see any problem in it especially as you guys will be married in a couple of months.

 

[Rhea]

I would think that in your situation it''d be more than acceptable to give a joint give. One of you is moving to another country in less than 6 months!! That''s pretty darn together and coupled to me.

We''ve given joint gifts to family from the time we had been dating for a year.

 

[aliciagirl]

I see nothing wrong with giving joint gifts when the relationship is serious, even before an engagement. I think it allows for a nicer gift and is usually welcomed by the gift receiver as long as they know you and know the relationship is serious.

I don''t gift with the BF for his mom or family, because he and his older bro usually split the bill. But we do jointly gift for friends birthdays or wedding gifts. If the gift is "perfect", I doubt she is going to get worked up about it being from the two of you, especially because she considers you engaged already.

 

[nessvan12]

My BF and I have given gifts as a couple since we got serious which was years ago. We''re not even engaged yet let alone have a wedding date set and always give gifts together.

If your FF''s family knows its only a very short matter of time before you share their last name, I don'' see why they would expect you two to give seperately.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/2/2007 3:53:28 PM
Author: nessvan12


If your FF''s family knows its only a very short matter of time before you share their last name, I don'' see why they would expect you two to give seperately.

Not necessarily on the name thing. I don''t know Galateia but there are tons of people who don''t change their names.

 

[Pandora II]

FI and I have always given joint gifts - although his mother tends to thank me first as she knows who does the shopping!

 

[galeteia]

Hey bee!

I still lurk regularly, I just keep my trap shut.

Hard to believe, I know.

As for how things are going, they''re going pretty well; my guy has a fantastic job offer waiting for him once he finishes his PhD. This has gone a long way in easing up my fears about our financial future and the disaster that will happen with my student loans once I leave Canada.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I think a joint gift will be just fine.

 

[nessvan12]

Date: 12/2/2007 3:57:34 PM
Author: Addy

Date: 12/2/2007 3:53:28 PM

Author: nessvan12

If your FF''s family knows its only a very short matter of time before you share their last name, I don'' see why they would expect you two to give seperately.

Not necessarily on the name thing. I don''t know Galateia but there are tons of people who don''t change their names.

Wasn''t trying to offend on the name changing thing. I just meant that she was soon to be ''officially'' part of their family.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/2/2007 6:31:41 PM
Author: Galateia
Hey bee!

I still lurk regularly, I just keep my trap shut.

Hard to believe, I know.

As for how things are going, they''re going pretty well; my guy has a fantastic job offer waiting for him once he finishes his PhD. This has gone a long way in easing up my fears about our financial future and the disaster that will happen with my student loans once I leave Canada.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I think a joint gift will be just fine.

Nice to see you! When are you moving to the U.S.?

 

[galeteia]

Date: 12/3/2007 1:34:48 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/2/2007 6:31:41 PM

Author: Galateia

Hey bee!

I still lurk regularly, I just keep my trap shut.

Hard to believe, I know.


As for how things are going, they're going pretty well; my guy has a fantastic job offer waiting for him once he finishes his PhD. This has gone a long way in easing up my fears about our financial future and the disaster that will happen with my student loans once I leave Canada.


Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I think a joint gift will be just fine.

Nice to see you! When are you moving to the U.S.?

May 1st, baby!

Incidentally, I've since discussed the gift issue with my FBIL, and apparently it will upset my FMIL if we have a joined gift.

He suggested we get her the joint gift and my FF get her a small gift just from him, to 'ease' her into the idea that her baby is now part of a couple. I'm fine with that; whatever will stress her less is alright by me.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/3/2007 1:51:07 AM
Author: Galateia
May 1st, baby!

Incidentally, I''ve since discussed the gift issue with my FBIL, and apparently it
will upset my FMIL if we have a joined gift.

He suggested we get her the joint gift and my FF get her a small gift just from him, to ''ease'' her into the idea that her baby is now part of a couple. I''m fine with that; whatever will stress her less is alright by me.

Wow, May 1 isn''t that far at all! So you have pretty much cleared the visa process? It seems like it''s been forever!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 12/3/2007 1:53:53 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Wow, May 1 isn't that far at all! So you have pretty much cleared the visa process? It seems like it's been forever!

My interview is in early Feb. Cross your fingers for me! I'm actually not too worried about it anymore, it's just a matter of making sure my papers are in order. After two years together, I still glow when I talk to people about him, so I'm not worried about the interviewer doubting we're legit.

And the end is near! May 1st is like the light at the end of the tunnel.

There was a huge backlog but they seem to have speeded up now. Now I'm working as much as I can to pay down some student loan debt before I leave, so it's just a matter of time. Thanks for asking.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/3/2007 2:03:51 AM
Author: Galateia

Date: 12/3/2007 1:53:53 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Wow, May 1 isn''t that far at all! So you have pretty much cleared the visa process? It seems like it''s been forever!

My interview is in early Feb. Cross your fingers for me! I''m actually not too worried about it anymore, it''s just a matter of making sure my papers are in order. After two years together, I still glow when I talk to people about him, so I''m not worried about the interviewer doubting we''re legit.

And the end is near! May 1st is like the light at the end of the tunnel.

There was a huge backlog but they seem to have speeded up now. Now I''m working as much as I can to pay down some student loan debt before I leave, so it''s just a matter of time. Thanks for asking.

I hope all goes well! I am sure you are prepared with all the research you have done. All they want to do is make sure you are legit, and you obviously are, so you are fine. I believe the interview will be the easy part!

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/2/2007 6:31:41 PM
Author: Galateia
Hey bee!

I still lurk regularly, I just keep my trap shut.

Hard to believe, I know.


As for how things are going, they''re going pretty well; my guy has a fantastic job offer waiting for him once he finishes his PhD. This has gone a long way in easing up my fears about our financial future and the disaster that will happen with my student loans once I leave Canada.


Thanks for the feedback, everyone! I think a joint gift will be just fine.

That''s great about his job offer! The time will fly by until May 1st! You must be so excited! You''ll definitely fly past the interview stage-it''s clear that you''re in love with him.

 

[ksprincess]

Galateia,

Me and bf definitely give gifts together. In fact, I seem to be in charge of buying all gifts for female relatives...(mother''s, SIL''s, and brothers gfs) while he handles the males. It works out the best that way as I get much better gifts for them than he could and his mother LOVES me for it!

Congrats on all the new adventures life has in store for you!