Girls- I''m absolutlely heartbroken right now. I need help!

[MelissaSue]

I don''t know what do! I just found out that my fiance has been taking a night class supposedly since the last week in August. He told me that he was done with all his classes after the summer session (ened early august). He has missed a lot of classes and probably won''t even end up passing the class, but he''s been lying to me for almost a MONTH at least about it, but I think that means he was lying to me for longer, saying that he was taking classes that he wasn''t. He has this class and then two more to take. I just called his mom, and that is how I found out. I haven''t talked to him yet. But I am SO SO SO SO hurt that he lied about this. HIs mom says he''s just embarrassed about school, that its the only thing he''s ever lied to her about either .. but what am I supposed to do. He has done little things like this before. Like when he switched to the summer classes, he didnt'' tell me about it until the day they started..and he hasn''t told me when he''s been failing classes before.. but its always about school.
I just don''t understand why he would lie to me. He has no reason to be embarrassed about it, I''ve dragged out my masters project just as long, I wouldn''t be mad at him or ashamed or anything.

And it really makes me wonder what else he could lie about so easily. He''s never given me any reason not to trust him.. but it makes you wonder, you know? i don''t know what to do.

His poor mother is paying for all of this, and he''s not going to an inexpensive college. I guess this college is super flexible in thier graduation requirements, but at least if he was at a state school he''d only be paying like $600 a class instead of $3200.. She sounded so stressed out about money on the phone when I just talked to her.. His sister is attending Notre Dame, and they are paying out of pocket for that too.. So its not like they just have the money to spare.. But thats not really the issue..
What do I do with a fiance who lies about such little things?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My FI doesn''t lie about little things but he is secretive sometimes over nothing. It drives me crazy. If he is leaving the house and I ask where he is going he will say he is running errands. When I leave he asks me for a detailed run-down. Not because he doesn''t trust be but I guess he is just curious like me. I think you need to TALK to him. Communication is everything in a relationship. Tell him how it makes you feel. Explain that YOU feel embarassed when you find out important information from other people. Or that you feel hurt...that sort of thing. I think you have every right to be angry because you are his best friend and his partner in life so to speak. It will be okay, I am sure when he sees he is hurting you he''ll be more truthful. (((hugs)))

 

[ame]

Oh my god. Im so sorry! You need to really confront this. Id wonder what else he was lying about too, honestly.

Though it could really be that he didn''t want you to know he had failed at something, as you probably don''t see him as a failure usually and he doesn''t want to spoil that image.

 

[MissAva]

I dont know that I think of that as a little thing...school is a major thing for how the rest of your life goes. I hope you conversation is enlightening.

 

[AmberGretchen]

You definitely need to confront him and try to focus not on blaming, but on explaining to him how hurt you are. I think you have every right to be hurt and I''m so sorry this is happening with you and your FI. I hope you guys can talk it over and work out your issues between the two of you. I''ll be sending you good thoughts from here that everything goes OK and that you guys can work it out. >

 

[KimberJEB]

I lie to my fiance about school. I do. I love him and am honest with him about everything else - but school (and eating, I suppose, it''s my other issue). I never used to, but law school has been hard for me - emotionally - and I have been so stressed and put everyone through so much. And honestly, I got tired of disappointing people I love. So no one (my dad who pays for my classes, my fiance, my mom, no one) knows exactly how bad the situation is/has been.

Why? As I said, I was tired of disappointing people. Tired of hurting them. And, tired of hearing the lectures and concern and...whatever. Yes, maybe I should tell my fiance everything, but I can''t bring myself to. The expression on his face when I screw up, whatever. And I AM going to graduate and AM going to finish and I''m NOT hurting him. So...I make things up.

It''s avoidance and all kinds of other issues, but they are MY issues, and in so many ways unrelated to him. When I tell him it''s real. I screwed up - again. As long as I don''t, it''s not. And yes, this is something I am working on, my avoidance of problems.

No it''s not right. Neither what I am doing or what your fiance is doing. But it doesn''t necessarily mean that he''s lying about anything else. It doesn''t mean he loves you or trusts you less. It could just be - as it is mine - his way of coping with something that may feel a bit out of control and his way of not hurting/disappointing the most important person to him.


(I say all this, but if my fiance did the same thing I would flip. My other fault...a TOTAL hypocrite.)

 

[Tybee]

Wow,
KimberJEB...what great perspective! What an enlightening post.
This is very valuable to have a similar point of view.
MelissaSue, BIG HUGS...I hope you and your FI have a a clear and enlightening talk. Just know that we are thinking about you.
I also hope that you had a chance to read KimeberJEB''s post before you talk, and maybe that will help you feel slightly less hurt.
Good luck sweet heart!

 

[icekid]

oh MS... I definitely feel for you. I would be so hurt too to find out that he was lying to me, or felt that I would not be accepting of him for some reason.

I would also worry about him lying in the future too... which could have even more devastating effects when you''re married! You definitely need to talk to him. Your relationship should be a partnership, and that means sharing when things are going badly too.

 

[BrightSpot]

Oh, MS, I''m so sorry this happened! You should definitely talk to your FI about this. As AmberGretchen said, just try to not focus on blame, but on how it hurts your feelings when he doesn''t tell you things. It''s entirely possible he''s afraid of disappointing you & doesn''t want to show his weaknesses to you, but that''s part of being in a relationship w/ someone. While he may think he''s protecting you, if he doesn''t tell you these things, he robs you of the opportunity to be supportive of him & help him through a hard time. That''s what "for better or worse" is all about...

 

[MelissaSue]

Girls - thank you all so much! Especially Kimber.. it was so nice reading that.. sort of from "his side" you know?

Actually, it went really well last night. Before I talked to him (because I couldn''t get ahold of him last night, which was the whole reason I found out about the school thing..).. I talked to my sister and my best friend, and they managed to keep me calmed down, both of them told me that it was just because he was embarrassed about school, and my sister said that I should not make a big fuss over it because it would back him into a corner and make him lie more.. So I actually managed to stay pretty calm when I talked to him.. I didnt'' get angry with him.. I didn''t yell.. I just told him how much it hurt me, just like AG said.. We actually worked it out pretty quickly. After I heard it coming from him, its not that it made sense, but I knew that I believed him that school was the only thing that he wasn''t telling me about.. you know? I knew that he truly was embarrased. I guess I understand part of why he feels that way. There is a lot of academic success around him.. I have always done really well in school, and his sister does even better... she was valedictorian in HS and gets 4.0s at Notre Dame. Then his two best friends from childhood were both 2nd in their high school classes and have engineering degrees and are working for like NASA.. So.. I can see how he could feel inadequate.. but it doesn''t make me think any less of him.. I Just wish he had understood that.. you know?
But things are good now.. We talked it out.. I feel better.
I gotta go to work.. but thank you all again for your kind words!

 

[BrightSpot]

I''m so glad you guys talked it out & you feel better now. It sounds like the academic bar is set pretty high for your FI. I can understand why he would feel embarrassed about not doing well in school. Hopefully now that he knows how it makes you feel when he''s not honest with you, he''ll be more forthcoming.

 

[fountainfairfax]

I''m glad you both were able to talk about it and that you stayed calm and rational. I was going to ask you if in general school has been very hard for him and much easier for everyone around him and I guess that''s been the case, and its difficult if everyone around you puts a huge empathsis on education. We''ve all known incredibly intelligent, hardworking people who just weren''t cut out for getting degrees. My best friend from college married someone who was ambitious and has been the most financially successful of any of his friends and family- they are wealthy, secure and also very happy & in love- but because he never finished his undergrad degree (and I was never really sure why) they actually lie to people and say he has a degree from the 4-year school in their hometown. I find it all very strange that someone can be so successful and still not be honest about his background because of what others might think....If your fiance is really unhappy how about taking a break from school and letting him concentrate on building a life not so dependent on something he just can''t stand? There are far worse things than not finishing a degree or putting off education until he''s more comfortable with the commitment college brings.

 

[aljdewey]

 

[hearts set]

Men have a real need to keep up with their peers. It can be a huge emotional blow when their friends are very successful (working for NASA).

My bf has a college education. He had a hell of a time getting a job out of college in his field....the field was so competitive and flooded.

He wound up with a different kind of job...not as lucrative or interesting. He makes a living and works hard.

I can tell you that this is my heartbreak becasue I know this hurts and bothers him, especially around our friends (I have two who don''t even have to work!)

I was once engaged to a guy who was due to inherit a million $ company. He was very proud of his family''s bucks but I was neither impressed with him, his nasty family or their money that they used as a weapon over their children''s heads (sick)

It all meant nothing.

But to men...what they do, how much they can earn, how they can acquire and support the nest...it means their identity and I think that there is a shame assigned to men who can''t tow the mark no matter how hard they work.

I prayed for a kind and loving man...and my prayers were answered. So, i''ll have one kid instead of two or three...so my countertops will be formica instead of granite. I wake up in the morning in the arms of the love of my life. I feel responsible to make him feel "like a man" and to be the champion of his ego! We have it so good. I know what it is to be loved by a good and decent man. My life is rich.

I''m glad that you feel better about your situation. Yes, lying is unacceptable but try to be patient and see him through the rough moments when he''s not feeling up to par. It''s YOU that will mean the difference whether he feels like a chump or fill him with confidence to perservere and succeed!

 

[gingerBcookie]

Sorry so late with my reply, but I''m sorry to hear about this MS, but glad everrthing worked out.