This post might not have much of a point, I just need to tell someone what''s going on with me, you''ve been warned. =p
Yesterday I woke up ridiculously grumpy and angry, just mad at my boyfriend and everything I saw him (not) doing. I just stewed away thinking how if I don''t do it, nothing gets done.
I think there''s a lot of stuff going on:
* We''re at his parents now, which is hard for me because it''s hard for me to not be able to do my own thing even at my parent''s house and I''m bad at making small talk and being around people i don''t know which is all that''s going to be happening for he next week and a half.
* I''ve been feeling pretty crap about myself lately. Every time I look in the mirror I think bad things including why would I ever expect anyone, let alone him, to want to be with me.
* I think it was this time about a year ago I started getting LIW-itis and we talked about marriage and he said "in a year". Though I''m 99% sure he isn''t planning anything becasue I don''t think he ever plans anything.
* His cousin just got married, which leaves us as the only unmarried/unengaged couple on one side of the family. And one of his best friends is getting married in a month.
* We had talked about getting married in October 2010, which is fast approaching with lots of complications.
When we talked about wedding things a few months ago we had picked a date for October 2010, which at the time seemed doable and it made me feel a lot better about everything. But now, that''s only 10 months away and we won''t even be moving to the area where we''d be getting married for another 2.5 months or more. We don''t want to pick a location we''ve never been to, so that cuts down the time. Everyone will have to travel to come to our wedding, so I''d really like to let people know to save a couple vacation days to come see us, but he doesn''t want anything mentioned to anyone until after he''s asked. I understand that, but I also know how people plan out vacation days way in advance.
It all just feels impossible. And I feel the same as I did yesterday, like I have to do everything and if I don''t think about it and plan it, it won''t get done. I feel the same way about him asking me. That he won''t plan anything out, that he''ll just keep thinking he can do it later. I think I''ve made it clear I''m not looking for anything fancy. That I don''t expect the ring when he asks (so he''s not waiting on that). He''s also said before that maybe we can tell people around the holidays about the wedding date, which to him was probably just thinking out loud or something but to me means "we''ll be engaged then so we can tell people."
I have just been feeling upset, frustrated and angry to the point that even if he did ask now, I don''t know what I''d say. And it brings up all those feelings/thoughts of, if he really wanted to marry me he would have already, etc. And of course when I act/feel like this I wonder if it''s a strike against me, like that''s why he''s not asking.
I know I''m acting a bit nutso, but I doubt I''m the only one who''s ever acted/thought like this.
Yesterday I woke up ridiculously grumpy and angry, just mad at my boyfriend and everything I saw him (not) doing. I just stewed away thinking how if I don''t do it, nothing gets done.
I think there''s a lot of stuff going on:
* We''re at his parents now, which is hard for me because it''s hard for me to not be able to do my own thing even at my parent''s house and I''m bad at making small talk and being around people i don''t know which is all that''s going to be happening for he next week and a half.
* I''ve been feeling pretty crap about myself lately. Every time I look in the mirror I think bad things including why would I ever expect anyone, let alone him, to want to be with me.
* I think it was this time about a year ago I started getting LIW-itis and we talked about marriage and he said "in a year". Though I''m 99% sure he isn''t planning anything becasue I don''t think he ever plans anything.
* His cousin just got married, which leaves us as the only unmarried/unengaged couple on one side of the family. And one of his best friends is getting married in a month.
* We had talked about getting married in October 2010, which is fast approaching with lots of complications.
When we talked about wedding things a few months ago we had picked a date for October 2010, which at the time seemed doable and it made me feel a lot better about everything. But now, that''s only 10 months away and we won''t even be moving to the area where we''d be getting married for another 2.5 months or more. We don''t want to pick a location we''ve never been to, so that cuts down the time. Everyone will have to travel to come to our wedding, so I''d really like to let people know to save a couple vacation days to come see us, but he doesn''t want anything mentioned to anyone until after he''s asked. I understand that, but I also know how people plan out vacation days way in advance.
It all just feels impossible. And I feel the same as I did yesterday, like I have to do everything and if I don''t think about it and plan it, it won''t get done. I feel the same way about him asking me. That he won''t plan anything out, that he''ll just keep thinking he can do it later. I think I''ve made it clear I''m not looking for anything fancy. That I don''t expect the ring when he asks (so he''s not waiting on that). He''s also said before that maybe we can tell people around the holidays about the wedding date, which to him was probably just thinking out loud or something but to me means "we''ll be engaged then so we can tell people."
I have just been feeling upset, frustrated and angry to the point that even if he did ask now, I don''t know what I''d say. And it brings up all those feelings/thoughts of, if he really wanted to marry me he would have already, etc. And of course when I act/feel like this I wonder if it''s a strike against me, like that''s why he''s not asking.
I know I''m acting a bit nutso, but I doubt I''m the only one who''s ever acted/thought like this.
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