Going crazy

[Smurfysmiles]

I've been dating my guy for about 2 and a half years and I'm not expecting a ring anytime soon (although he did just get a promotion at work What's driving me crazy is that all our friends who have dated for less than we have are getting engaged and married. I think half of my graduating high school class is married and having kids(and I come from a class of 450!!!) I know I shouldn't be comparing us to other couples but sometimes I can't help it! I have a promise ring but it's not really the same. Anyone have any tips for helping you stay happy for other couples but not going insane in your head??

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I wanted to throw in a couple pictures of us too hopefully I did this right!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I couldn''t resist posting a picture of my promise ring, hope you like it!

 

[Mara]

Date: 9/30/2007 1:28:56 PM
Author:Smurfysmiles

I think half of my graduating high school class is married and having kids(and I come from a class of 450!!!)

Wonder how many of them will still be married in 5 years...or 10...or 20?

Personally I think that you guys are doing the right thing by taking it slowly. There''s no need to rush into MARRIAGE. It''s a big decision! If you have forever to be together, just take your time making absolutely sure it''s the thing you both want to do. Just because others have moved into marriage after 1 year of dating someone doesn''t mean that you guys are behind or on any other type of timetable. Enjoy each other and don''t worry about anyone else. 2 years together is just the base of your future together, right??

 

[KimberlyH]

Ditto what Mara said. What the people around you are doing should not dictate your choices. Several of my friends and acquiantances have had children in the past 2 years and while I love kids, I know we''re just not ready yet. So even though I''m in a different place in my life than most of my friends, and it can feel strange at times, it''s the right place for us and that is what matters most. Take a deep breath and think about all the things you love about him and the two of you as a couple and know that you are doing what is best for your relationship by taking things slow.

 

[musey]

Date: 9/30/2007 1:28:56 PM
Author:Smurfysmiles

What's driving me crazy is that all our friends who have dated for less than we have are getting engaged and married. I think half of my graduating high school class is married and having kids(and I come from a class of 450!!!) I know I shouldn't be comparing us to other couples but sometimes I can't help it!

You already know that you shouldn't be comparing, so you're a step ahead of many LIWs

I know how you feel about your HS peers being engaged/married/parents, the kids at my school were the same way.

What helped me is knowing that, while you could argue that they're "ahead" in that respect... are they where I want to be? Are they headed in the direction that I want to be headed in? Most of my peers that got married very soon after high school (within 3-4 years) are not on a track that I'd like to be on. They stayed in the small farm town I grew up on, many didn't go to college, and have their sights set no higher than blue-collar jobs and tiny starter homes. Not that there's anything wrong with that AT ALL, but it's not what I wanted. I have different priorities, and it makes complete sense that that would affect the "progress" of other parts of my life (i.e. if I value college over early marriage, of course my marriage age will be later).

Also, the odds are more in your favor the later you marry. It's all just statistics mess, but it's another thing you can tell yourself to give yourself the assurance that you're on the right track

You already know, as you said, but keep reminding yourself that it's not a race. The fact that they're getting married faster/earlier doesn't mean their relationship is any better or more fulfilling than yours.


P.S. You look like such a happy couple in your pics!!

 

[musey]

I thought of another story that might make you feel better.

About two years ago, I was living with a friend who had just started dating a guy 7 years her senior (at 21, I personally think this is a significant age difference...). At this point, I had been dating my then-boyfriend (now-FI) for a little more than 1.5 years.

My "friend" made a big deal about how serious their relationship was, even though they lived 6 hours apart, saw each other twice a month, and had been dating for only 6 months. We were somewhat close at the time, so I shared the "honest" side of my relationship (good AND frustrating) with her. Her replies to my "I wonder if/when he'll propose" comments were always "Probably not... but hey, I think my boyfriend is really close to it!"

They got engaged after about 7 months of long-distance dating, she declared me "jealous" of her speedy engagement and told me I should just break up with my boyfriend because he was obviously NEVER going to propose if he hadn't after TWO whole years

(I mean, obviously, this is an ETERNITY

). Soon, she moved to where he lived and they began semi-planning their wedding.

They never set a date, and about a year later, they called off their engagement. We were completely out of touch by this point, so I have no idea why.... though I sure have some guesses

Anyway, moral of the story is: rushing to the altar does not equal happiness.

On the other hand, FI and I got engaged after a little over 3 years of "dating" and nearly a year of living together. I have every confidence we won't meet the same "fate" that my non-friend and her former-FI did, because we took our time with the relationship AND with the decision to get married... and even if I felt fleeting wonderment about our "progress" as compared to other couples, neither of us let that dictate the speed at which we took our own lives.



After that novel, how about a little quote from Sophocles?
"Quick decisions are unsafe decisions."

 

[musey]

Kimberly, I LOVE your new avatar!!!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

That story does make me feel a little better, thanks I know I catch myself thinking when people get engaged so quickly that it won''t last sometimes. John has told me he wants to take his time getting married too and when it''s right for us it''ll happen. This is fine except I have a problem with waiting for things (yes, I still take the tape off my christmas presents and snoop and then rewrap them back up, horrible huh) but on the plus side, the last time he was asked when he was gonna propose by a friend, john said "by the year 2026" lol so at least that''s something huh, although id prefer being a 20 something year old bride as opposed to 42...ya know?

 

[Haven]

Date: 9/30/2007 3:24:30 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 9/30/2007 1:28:56 PM

Author:Smurfysmiles


I think half of my graduating high school class is married and having kids(and I come from a class of 450!!!)

Wonder how many of them will still be married in 5 years...or 10...or 20?


Personally I think that you guys are doing the right thing by taking it slowly. There's no need to rush into MARRIAGE. It's a big decision! If you have forever to be together, just take your time making absolutely sure it's the thing you both want to do. Just because others have moved into marriage after 1 year of dating someone doesn't mean that you guys are behind or on any other type of timetable. Enjoy each other and don't worry about anyone else. 2 years together is just the base of your future together, right??

DITTO everything Mara said.

Smurfy, I went through a similar situation--my FI and I dated almost three and a half years before we got engaged and there were times when I let the time factor and the choices others were making affect me. However, we do everything on our own time line and in the end I think we'll be better off for it. Rushing into some things is fine, like splurging on a cocktail dress that you didn't budget for the month, but rushing into something as serious as marriage is NOT fine. In fact, it's likely to end in disaster.

For me, it was less an issue of being officially engaged and more an issue of being certain that we were both on the same page in terms of what we wanted and planned to have together. Once we had a serious discussion about our future it assuaged all of my anxieties about not yet being engaged.

Enjoy your time together--you know what the two of you share, and what you will share, and other people making official commitments does not change that at all.

ETA: It also looks like you two are quite young, and if so, I think this can make the waiting game even more difficult--you've been together for several years but you may be younger than the typical marrying age, or your BF may not yet be ready to take this step forward. My sister has been with her BF for over six years, but they started dating when she was only a junior in HS (he was a senior) so now it is six years later, but she's not even finished with college yet. This does make things difficult for her, because she feels ready to be with her man, but they are so young so there are factors other than their love for each other that make it too early for them to become engaged (finances, careers, etc.)

I understand it's tough, but I'll pass on some advice my grandmother gave me: If you want him to want to marry you, behave in a manner that will remind him why he should want to marry you. Don't behave in a manner that will make him question whether he wants to, such as nagging about commitment or getting sulky about others' engagements. BUT, I know it's hard, trust me, I know!

Good luck, Smurfy!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I suppose I should have mentioned how old we are, not that that''s any big deciding factor I''m 23 and he will be turning 28 in december. I graduate college in december too and we had decided to at least wait until I was done with school, so who knows?

 

[bee*]

As someone who has been dating my ff for over 8 years I obviously agree with the taking your time thing too

Well we started dating at 17 so by the time we''ve finished college and got on to our careers, it''s only now that we''re ready to take the next step. I agree with Mara and Musey that a rushed decision isn''t always the best one. It''s much better to take your time getting to know each other properly and I think it''s important for you to date a bit when you''re actually working as I noticed a big shift in our relationship (for the good) when we left college and started working. It definitely sounds like he wants to get married and when he proposes at least you''ll both definitely be on the same page and it''ll be the right decision

 

[Smurfysmiles]

thanks for all the great input guys, you made me feel a lot better
plus, i had no class today, professor is sick, yay!!

 

[miss_flo]

I try to keep in mind that sooner isn''t necessarily better. Like Mara said, a decade down the line about half these couples will be going through messy divorces, while you''re still in your honeymoon phase

 

[diamondfan]

Without knowing all the details, I agree with Mara''s point. This is not a sprint, it is an endurance race. Anyway can get married fast, but will it last? That is what is more worth noting. I had a couple of friends get married right out of high school, and a couple during college. They are no longer married. Now, to be fair, I was only 24, but I really had a sense of what I wanted. These friends of mine just wanted to play house and go through the wedding, and were really not focused on the forever after part, something they freely admit now.

What matters is the quality of your relationship, how it works for both of you, no one else. Be happy for your pals, know that while it all may be fine for them, rushing into marriage is not usually wise, and hopefully they will stay married. Just take things at your pace, and be content to take things in steps, and relish your relationhsip for what it is at each point along the way! You guys are very cute together!

 

[Haven]

Smurfy--I''m so glad to hear you''re feeling better--you''re in the right place for venting, a lot of us have been where you are and we know how difficult it can be to be a LIW!