Gone again.

[basil]

As I''ve posted before, my fiance and I have a long distance relationship. The timing of when we met and our respective careers made it all but unavoidable, so for now we live in different cities. On the same coast, same time zone, only a 1.5 hour flight away, but our schedules are so busy that we work a lot of weekends, making visiting difficult.

He came in Saturday night - I picked him up at 11:30pm after I got off work, and he left today on an 8pm flight. The time always just flies by...we do nothing in particular special. We went to Home Depot to buy a part to fix my toilet and went to the cell phone store to buy a new headset for his phone so we can talk longer more comfortably. We stayed up late and drank wine and watched "Cheaters" and "Cops".

This marks the one year anniversary of our distance. We still have two more years. I know that my distance in no way compares to that of those whose loved ones are overseas, in military or other jobs, who are in danger or can''t communicate on a reliable basis. I know that I should feel lucky that I even have such a wonderful, loving, caring fiance to begin with.

But darnit, it really hurts. Physically burns me up when he leaves. I have my own life, my own friends, my own hobbies and I keep busy, but everything is so much more enjoyable with him around.

Any advice, experience, or commiseration? Just feeling kinda low tonight..

 

[poptart]

I know how you feel Basil. My DH just got back from an 8 month deployment where my daily communication was an email from him. Granted, he was not in as much danger as those on the ground, but it was still stressful for both of us none the less. We were also long distance for a year before I moved out here. There''s probably nothing I can say that will really make anything better, but just know that the two of you will get through it. And when you finally are physically in the same place for good, you appreciate that person all the more. It''s hard, but it makes your relationship even stronger.

*M*

 

[neatfreak]

I understand. Feeling the same way actually. My fiance is in CA for the summer doing an internship and I am unfortunately not with him either.

All I''ve got for you is HUGS!!!!!!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

ahhh...long distance relationships are hard! DH and I were long distance for at least a year (divided up though). Focusing on the end (when you finally get to be together) is what gets you through it! In the meantime this is a great place to vent

 

[diamondfan]

Cannot compare notes since I never had a long distance relationship, but honestly think it is so great that you have all your own interests etc but just find it all better with him. That sums up a wonderful relationship in mho. Just hang in there, it should all be worth it in the end.

 

[AmberWaves]

Basil, long distance relationships are the hardest thing!!! I applaud you for doing it. Don''t fret, it will all be worth it when you''re married and have a great story to tell. Relationships built over distance can be far far stronger than ones from just down the street (not downplaying that kind, though!).

 

[Love in Bloom]

I''m sorry Basil! I can''t fathom being long distance with your fiance for a whole year

. It is nice that you just hung out together. With you both being so busy it is probably best to just do the little things together and not put pressure on each other to go out and do too much. I kind of know how it feels to be together but not ''together''. DH is in grad school and works 20 hour+ days. So, while we live together, I barely get to see him even on the weekends, when he is asleep.

I get to feeling pretty low too. I start to feel sorry for myself and refuse to go out with my friends because it just reminds me of how much I miss him. It is fantastic that you have your own things to do to quell the ache of not having DF around.

On a lighter note, maybe you can make a list of funny things that come from having a relationship at a distance? They may not seem funny at the time, but can be entertaining.
I''ll give you an example:

While I was out of town, DF and his lab buddies decided to have a beard-growing contest. I came back on a weeknight and he got home just after I had crawled into bed. He went to kiss me (it was dark), and I got a little scared because I didn''t recognize the feeling of his beard. I knew it was him but it was such an unfamiliar feeling and I remember thinking to myself, "who is this stranger sleeping in my bed??" After a couple of days of me acting strangely towards the facial hair, he shaved it off without telling me. I was so glad to have him "back" but by then I was really starting to get used to those wiskers!
The same thing happened when he stopped wearing his glasses. I guess it keeps things interesting...

 

[monarch64]

I think it gets better once you''re married or engaged, even. My DH and I were LD for about 5 months when we met, and then I moved to Chicago to be with him. He travels A LOT, though, so throughout our last 5.5 years since I''ve been here and we''ve gotten engaged and married we''ve had to deal with him being gone many times, and I worked a very erratic schedule with my job in the past to boot. So it''s hard, but honestly I''ve learned that absence DOES make the heart grow fonder, and as long as you are both committed to making things work it can be done. In fact i think we sometimes both look forward a little to the times apart because of that, and our reunions are all the more sweeter when we''ve had some tme apart. We don''t spend months at a time not seeing each other, but we definitely have weeks or days where we are apart, and many times there is enough time where we are away from each other that I think we get almost used to being apart and it''s hard to get acclimated to one another once we reunite, knim? Whatever happens, though, we have been making it work for almost 4 years of marriage now and are still going strong.

 

[princesss]

My boyfriend and I do long distance half the year, and I''ll tell you the best thing that''s happened for us is Skype and webcams. It makes such a difference to be able to talk to him and see his face without worrying about the phone bill! I love being able to video chat...it makes it a lot less stressful and more fun if I can see the faces he makes when he talks. Sometimes it''s being able to see those little manerisms that makes it easier...at least for me.

 

[xapora]

FI and I were in a long-distance relationship for three years also, it sounds like we were about the same distance apart as you guys. I know, it sucks SO bad. The entire time I just wished it was OVER and we could be together again, it was definitely one of the hardest things I''ve had to go through emotionally. But when it''s over you will appreciate each other even more and cherish the time you guys have together. In a way, it makes your relationship even better. Just hang in there, keep busy, and just think that the more crappy days you guys are apart, the closer you are to seeing each other again.

Oh, and I totally agree with the webcam thing! Unfortunately for us the idea didn''t kick in until we had only a few months left, but it made it SO much easier.

 

[akw94]

Basil, sorry you''re feeling down. A can commiserate just a bit. My FI goes out of town here and there for business and it''s tough. He''s about to leave for 7 weeks and is going to a language immersion program where he''s not supposed to speak English.

And not really encouraged to have visitors. That doesn''t leave me feeling particularly happy but we''ll manage. Certainly, it''s nothing like your situation but I do feel for you.
But just know that there is an end date so it won''t be like this forever. And each time he leaves, you have the next time he''ll be there to look forward to.

Take care!!

 

[gailrmv]

We were sort of long distance - we were just over an hour apart for 3 years. DH (he was FF and then FI at that point) was incredibly busy so I was the one who made the effort to travel nearly ever weekend. It was tough. I used to be so bummed when I would leave on Sundays. But looking back I guess it wasn''t so bad. You will probably appreciate your time together more and then when you can live together, appreciate it more than if you hadn''t had to do the long distance... small silver lining

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 6/26/2007 10:10:49 AM
Author: gailrmv

You will probably appreciate your time together more and then when you can live together, appreciate it more than if you hadn't had to do the long distance... small silver lining

Well said gail! I'll commiserate with you too basil...my guy and I have been long distance since March of last year, and will be until October at the very least...and that's if everything falls into place and he's able to move back here (with the right job of course!) It's about a 2 hour flight for us too, but the bad thing is that the summer is my free time (teacher) and his busiest time. Our schedules are completely opposite in that respect. Do you have a definite ending in sight? I get sad sometimes because we're not sure exactly what will happen (where we'll be living) and when, but in May when I finish my master's it will be over one way or another. That's what we're hoping for! When it gets really hard, I try to stay busy with work, friends, or my school work, and I also think about the next time we'll be together. I'm holding it together pretty well right now because I have a lot going on at home, and I know the exact times we'll be together through the end of September. We always make sure we have the next trip planned so there's something to look forward to. It can actually be funny at times because sometimes my friends will meet someone and complain that the person is about 45 minutes to an hour's drive away...and then go on to say that I'd probably give anything to have M live that close (of course I would!) You will get through it, and be so much more appreciative at the end! *Hugs*

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/26/2007 4:15:19 PM
Author: IrishAngel

Date: 6/26/2007 10:10:49 AM
Author: gailrmv

You will probably appreciate your time together more and then when you can live together, appreciate it more than if you hadn''t had to do the long distance... small silver lining

It can actually be funny at times because sometimes my friends will meet someone and complain that the person is about 45 minutes to an hour''s drive away...and then go on to say that I''d probably give anything to have M live that close (of course I would!) You will get through it, and be so much more appreciative at the end! *Hugs*

Oh boy, IrishAngel, I know that feeling! My BF and I are currently about 8 hours flying/layover time away and it''s the closest we''ve been when doing long distance. Last summer we were literally half a world away from each other (12 timezones!) and our friends would complain to us how hard it was to be 2 hours away from their bf/gf in a car!!!

I got so frustrated, and when I finally got sick of it and said something (as politely as possible), my friend was shocked and said, "But it''s easier for you guys because it''s normal. I''m not used to this!" Well, neither were we when we started doing it! Grrrrrrrr....

Anyways, basil, I just wanted to let you know that my parents did 3 years long distance while they were engaged and it''s their 24th anniversary today. Keep yourself busy when it''s hard, buy a webcam, and let yourself get sad sometimes. I tried to ignore how sad I was about being away from my BF last summer and I just ended up being crabby all the time and miserable. Sad sometimes beats grouchy all the time! (I know you probably have your own way of dealing with it since you guys have been doing this for a year, but I thought I''d throw in another $.02)

 

[litebrite]

Basil,

I''m in a 7 year relationship, and I think we probably spent 3 years apart in total. Now I''m looking for a job and trying to decide if I want to move again for work. Right now I''m back in the same city, which is excellent!

We don''t Skype or webcam, although it would probably add something to our daily phone conversations. Sometimes we talk more than once a day. And we used to IM when we were in college.

I would say that hanging out with friends takes away a lot of the lonely, and having gal pals stay the night. Also I discovered youtube and all the shows online at abc.com and nbc.com. I can''t begin to tell you what a time and brain eater that deadly trifecta is.

One of the keys to our relationship is that it shouldn''t just be one person doing all the traveling and/or moving for the other. Because that will likely build up resentment pretty fast. Also I am super lucky because hubby to be is so supportive that if I want to move to a new city for better job opportunities, he will support me fully. And we were together for 4 years in the same place before all my crazy traveling so we were able to build up a lot of trust.

The other reason why I think we''ve made it work is that it''s never been longer than 9 months at a time that we were physically living in different cities. I would do a lot of 3 month stints in different cities, and flying every other weekend back. This last round was a 9 month gig, but a 5 hour drive, so more manageable. I agree it''s nice to just hang out and veg when you get time together, but it can also be nice to plan a romantic dinner out once in awhile - reminds you that you''re not just roommates who see each other every so often but lovers.

Also you need a quality friend and support group - nothing more lonely than going to a restaurant for dinner alone. Make time to pamper yourself, get your hair done, or get a massage. Write a blog, or find an online community in addition to your local one.

You''ll get through this, and remember to share the wonder in your daily lives - unexpected moments, thoughts or occurrences. That way it''s almost like he was there with you. Good luck, and stay strong.

It''s definitely doable even with more distance, for a longer period of time. I know a couple that made it work after meeting in a different country while he was in med school, and they''re now married.