Good News and Bad News

[TheNextMrsB]

The good news is that when I mentioned us not being engaged, he said he''s "working on it." I didn''t understand what he could possibly be working on, but he refused to tell me, because he''s insisting that this be a complete surprise, and he''s not going to give me one, single clue. (He''s not very good at surprises-he gets too excited and blurts things out. I think it''s cute.) I told him I would try not to pester so it''s easier for him to keep the secret. He''s also considering moving in with me when my lease runs out, but I''m not expecting it. I know he doesn''t feel ready to live on his own just yet, but we''ll see. Even the fact that he''s thinking about it makes me happy.

The bad news is that we may not get married. He''s going to school, but it''s going to be very difficult for him to find a job anywhere in our state, and he''s made several comments about moving to another state. For me, that''s a deal breaker. I will not leave. There are other things I would rather have majored in, but I chose this major based on the economy in which I am living, because it''s more important to me to stay near my family. I don''t have enough time in the world to explain why I need to stay near them, but I do. We had always talked about me supporting both of us until he was able to find employment here, but now he keeps making these comments.

 

[gladyskristen]

Hi TNMB,

It''s great to hear that he''s working on it! I don''t have anything to say to make you feel better about the bad news, but I do hope that things will work out well for you.

 

[jcarlylew82]

aww - dont worry. I am sure he will find something!

 

[dragonfly411]

It seems to me that moving to another state shouldn''t be as much of a concern as whether you want to spend your life with this person. If moving out of state is a "deal breaker" then it doesn''t sound like you are with him totally. Would your job be something you could carry to another state? GL

 

[purrfectpear]

When you put your family above the man you are considering marrying, then you aren''t ready to marry him. Family is very, very, important but you are supposed to put each other first, then family.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 10/6/2008 12:11:47 PM
Author: purrfectpear
When you put your family above the man you are considering marrying, then you aren''t ready to marry him. Family is very, very, important but you are supposed to put each other first, then family.

ITA.

Your husband is your new family. He should get first priority.

I''m not sure why you''re insistent on being near family, (obviously there could be something going on that I don''t know/understand) but isn''t there any way to compromise, since this is the man you want to marry?

Good Luck!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/6/2008 12:20:04 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 10/6/2008 12:11:47 PM
Author: purrfectpear
When you put your family above the man you are considering marrying, then you aren't ready to marry him. Family is very, very, important but you are supposed to put each other first, then family.

ITA.

Your husband is your new family. He should get first priority.

I'm not sure why you're insistent on being near family, (obviously there could be something going on that I don't know/understand) but isn't there any way to compromise, since this is the man you want to marry?

Good Luck!

Another ditto here.

My family is extremely important to me. I am an only child and I am very close to both of my parents. My mom is one of my best friends. Yet, I moved away from them to be in the same city as SO and I don't regret it. I talk to them on the phone frequently, e-mail often and we visit whenever possible. I don't see them as often, but we still get quality time together.

Now, I've had some struggles with being in this city, mostly because of my job. If I wanted to, I could go to my old job tomorrow and have it back. And I'd have my old friends, old life and my family there. But you know what? I could NEVER actually do it. I can't imagine my life without SO. I can't believe there was a time when I didn't get to fall asleep beside him each night & I never want to go back to that again.

Sure, I wish I could have it both ways - him & my family in the same place. But I can't (at least not right now) and having him as a life partner is ultimately what I want and what I need.

The other day, SO said to me that I was the only thing he knew would be a constant for the rest of his life. Everything else is negotiable and can/will probably change but we will still have each other. And when you get married, you create a new family. You become each other's family. For the most part, I feel that way about our relationship already.

 

[mimzy]

your choice to stay near your family is your own, but why are you concerned with getting engaged if you may not get married? you and your BF need to discuss your options for the future and decide you are going to either do what you have to do to be together or you aren''t. if you aren''t, it doesn''t seem to make much sense to be thinking about getting engaged.

these are things that should be discussed and agreed upon WAY before engagement is in the near future.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/6/2008 1:09:52 PM
Author: mimzy
your choice to stay near your family is your own, but why are you concerned with getting engaged if you may not get married? you and your BF need to discuss your options for the future and decide you are going to either do what you have to do to be together or you aren''t. if you aren''t, it doesn''t seem to make much sense to be thinking about getting engaged.

these are things that should be discussed and agreed upon WAY before engagement is in the near future.

Very well put, Mimzy.

There is no point worrying about a ring and a proposal if you are not 100% sure you would marry him no matter what.

BF knows it''s important to me to travel and move around. We''ve been struggling with a way to find a balance between him wanting to be there for his family and me needing to constantly wander, but we''ve found a way because what''s most important to both of us is our relationship. If you truly can''t see yourself starting over someplace completely new with him, I''d stop worrying about an engagement and start worrying about the relationship.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Ditto what most everyone else has said.

Don''t worry about the engagement right now. Seems to me like you have much bigger aspects of your relationship to be focusing on.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ditto ditto ditto to what everyone else said.

FF will absolutely HAVE to move out of state when he finishes school--there are no ifs ands or buts about it, and I will follow him to the end of the earth if I have to.

The only thing holding me back would be that my mother is essentially dying from stage 4 cancer. But I''d still move to be with him. I''d just be visiting here a lot to be with her.

There is no rule in life that says you can''t come back to visit. If you don''t think you''d move with him then you need to stop talking engagement. And possibly start talking breakup.

 

[BlueSki231]

I dunno .. it seems as though I''m not with everyone else on this one.

I always hear "I''d follow my man wherever he goes" or something to that extent. But I always have to think.. would HE follow YOU if you got some unbelievable dream job offer in another state?? It''s always the woman following the man around.. maybe it''s the feminist in me but it kinda makes me mad

If he''s not willing to consider you in his future career plans, why should you drop everything and give up everything for him? But the same can also be said for you. If you''re not willing to consider him in your future career plans, why should he drop everything?
It should be a decision that you both make, with regard to what is best for both of you individually.. and as a couple. I think you have to have a similar view of the future if you''re gonna make a relationship work... you guys have to be going in the same direction.

This is a tough one.. what on earth does he do for work that he won''t be able to find a job in your area? Are you sure he''s not just using the "won''t be able to find a job" thing as an excuse to move out of state?

I wish you the best in this difficult situation. If you''re truly meant to be together you will find something that works for both of you.

 

[Dannielle]

I also have to agree that your FFI will be your family, and before you make that commitment you really need to ask yourself who/what is more important in your life.
If it isn''t him then maybe getting engaged isn''t fair either of you.

Good luck, and I hope everything works out

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Hey Namaste,

I was just thinking about it and remember this is essentially LADIES in waiting.. so all the perspectives are going to be women''s perspectives. I do agree with you and I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who would follow me to the end of the earth and back and I would do the same with him.

Also keep in mind how bad the economy is. If they live in MI (like me), they basically can''t find a job doing ANYTHING! literally anything.

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 10/6/2008 8:38:12 PM
Author: IloveAsschers13
Hey Namaste,


I was just thinking about it and remember this is essentially LADIES in waiting.. so all the perspectives are going to be women''s perspectives. I do agree with you and I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who would follow me to the end of the earth and back and I would do the same with him.

Also keep in mind how bad the economy is. If they live in MI (like me), they basically can''t find a job doing ANYTHING! literally anything.

Well mine is a woman''s perspective as well

I too have a man who would (and DID) follow me. heehee

I met my boyfriend while I was at school in IA. He was born and raised there - and I am from Chicago. I knew there was no way I was staying in Iowa.. and I was lucky enough that he was ready for a change and was more than willing to relocate back with me.

During our whole relationship, he knew that I couldn''t wait to move back home, and I did tell him all the time that YES I''m DIEING to move back.. but I''m not going without you. But in reality it meant a lot more career opportunities for the both of us (especially him) so it was a pretty easy decision for him to come with me. I''m not sure if I would have been OK with him re-arranging his life and moving to another state with me if it wasn''t in his best interest to do so... and if he wasn''t genuinely EXCITED about it.

As much as I hate to say it I don''t know what I would have done if he wasn''t willing to make the move. Part of me thinks that I would have had to end it.. mainly cause it would mean that we weren''t on the same page as far as the future. But in reality who knows what I woulda done.. (I never had deal with that situation, thank god!) And that''s not to say I would never relocate anywhere with him in the future - I''m just sayin...
Situations like this are tricky.. cause if someone reluctantly moves their life around for someone else, and things don''t work out exactly as planned (can''t find a job, have a hard time making friends, or WHATEVER), then it''s a breeding ground for resentment. I''ve seen it happen.

I guess my main point is you have to BOTH be excited about the move and the possibilities it will bring.

You do have a good point though.. I didn''t take the current state of the economy into consideration. I can definitely relate to that right now. Hopefully it''s only temporary though!

 

[sugarjo]

Date: 10/6/2008 10:08:24 AM
Author:TheNextMrsB
The good news is that when I mentioned us not being engaged, he said he''s ''working on it.'' I didn''t understand what he could possibly be working on, but he refused to tell me, because he''s insisting that this be a complete surprise, and he''s not going to give me one, single clue. (He''s not very good at surprises-he gets too excited and blurts things out. I think it''s cute.) I told him I would try not to pester so it''s easier for him to keep the secret. He''s also considering moving in with me when my lease runs out, but I''m not expecting it. I know he doesn''t feel read to live on his own just yet, but we''ll see. Even the fact that he''s thinking about it makes me happy.,

TNMD.
I think we all understand your frustration about your situation, but it seems really clear that you should be more concerned about your relationship then whether or not you''ll be at the receiving end of a proposal soon. He''s not sure if he''s ready to live on this own yet? I would think that would be more of a deal breaker then moving out of state. Does he still live at home? Don''t you want to know what this man is like when he lives on his own. IE: is he responsible, can he take care of himself.
I wish you the best, but I think you''ll find yourself much happier if you stop concerning yourself with a ring, and concentrate on building a solid foundation for a relationship that will be able to progress.
-SJ

 

[blondebunny]

I agree with what everyone else said...

When I started to date my FF, I knew one day we'd have to move possibly for him to go to medical school, and it was something I accepted.. He would TOTALLLY do the same for me.. but he is way more important to me than anything else in the world, and Id rather be broke then without him...

Did you know that he would have to move when you first started dating?? If so, Im sorry but thats your own fault, you knew from the beginning getting into the relationship that there was a chance that you might have to relocate... If you knew and you didnt plan too, you should had ended your relationship a long time ago..Sorry... just being honest...there is NO point in wasting each others time if you knew he wouldnt be able to get a good job there and you would probably have to move when you didnt plan too...sad.. but the truth...

If seems like your family is more important than your BF...which if it is... that is fine, you should just tell him now you do not plan to move, and he can decide where he wants to go from there... you shouldnt make him waste his time or money in getting you a ring and proposing only to break up because you are not going to move...

I know this wasnt what you wanted to hear... but thought I should give another perspective... you should be fair to both of ya'lls feelings...

If ya'll want it to work, im sure you guys can figure something out... make some kind of compromise.. but i DO suggest you do it sooner than later...

Goodluck

ETA: sorry think i went off topic with the career... im a little exhausted and i think i got a little confused...

 

[idreamofcushions]

Date: 10/7/2008 6:58:57 PM
Author: blondebunny
I agree with what everyone else said...


When I started to date my FF, I knew one day we''d have to move possibly for him to go to medical school, and it was something I accepted.. He would TOTALLLY do the same for me.. but he is way more important to me than anything else in the world, and Id rather be broke then without him...


Did you know that he would have to move when you first started dating?? If so, Im sorry but thats your own fault, you knew from the beginning getting into the relationship that there was a chance that you might have to relocate... If you knew and you didnt plan too, you should had ended your relationship a long time ago..Sorry... just being honest...there is NO point in wasting each others time if you knew he wouldnt be able to get a good job there and you would probably have to move when you didnt plan too...sad.. but the truth...


If seems like your family is more important than your BF...which if it is... that is fine, you should just tell him now you do not plan to move, and he can decide where he wants to go from there... you shouldnt make him waste his time or money in getting you a ring and proposing only to break up because you are not going to move...

Ditto, blondebunny, well said.

I would rather be broke than without my SO. Before I meet my SO, I lived in Miami and I loved my life. It was fast-paced, I had great friends, had a great job, etc. I decided to move back to my hometown (a very small beachside town in central FL) because I wanted to finish school. I had always intended to move after that...I''m more of a city girl than small town kinda gal. But I meet my SO and he loves the small town life. Besides where we live now is his perfect job market...close to NASA and all things technical. So I have to make personal sacrifices because I love him and life would just suck without him, even if I had all those other great things.

Anyway, my point is, you sometimes have to make sacrifices when you love someone. I''m really sorry if I don''t fully understand the situation with your family, but marriage means compromising and working together through life''s hurdles. I would certainly have a conversation with him to determine what is the most important thing to the both of you...job, family, or eachother. I''m sure you''ll find a compromise to where you can have it all!

Good luck MrsB!!

 

[TheNextMrsB]

Thank you so much for all your responses! After reading your posts, I realized that I''ve just taken the life I have with my FF for granted, and I''ve never actually thought about what my life would be like without him. I know that seems really strange, but after a certain point, we had decided to always be together, and there was no more reason to ponder life without him. We talked about it again, and I found out that he doesn''t want to move, and he would want to explore every other possible option before doing so. I always thought that that was the case, but after the comments he''s been making the past few days, I wasn''t so sure. Anyway, we agreed that if he has to go, I''ll go with him, but it would be an absolute last resort. As an added bonus, he''s wants to start looking at rings with me in the next few months. It''s just exciting to see that he''s actually ready to get the ball rolling.

 

[blondebunny]

Date: 10/8/2008 4:50:09 PM
Author: TheNextMrsB
Thank you so much for all your responses! After reading your posts, I realized that I''ve just taken the life I have with my FF for granted, and I''ve never actually thought about what my life would be like without him. I know that seems really strange, but after a certain point, we had decided to always be together, and there was no more reason to ponder life without him. We talked about it again, and I found out that he doesn''t want to move, and he would want to explore every other possible option before doing so. I always thought that that was the case, but after the comments he''s been making the past few days, I wasn''t so sure. Anyway, we agreed that if he has to go, I''ll go with him, but it would be an absolute last resort. As an added bonus, he''s wants to start looking at rings with me in the next few months. It''s just exciting to see that he''s actually ready to get the ball rolling.

Im glad things are better!!! Im glad you talked to him and he doesnt want to move!! I hope you find a ring you love!!