Gotta vent! Invite etiquette.....

[JCJD]

So I just talked to my grandmother, who I love dearly, but has certain ideas about how things are done and micromanages until those ideas come to frution.... Well, FH and I decided to cut down our guest list because 1) I want a really small wedding and 2) We can''t afford to have all of our second cousins twice removed and their mothers come to our wedding!! So, Grandma got their invitation last week, and it turns out that her sister and my grandfather''s sister were hoping for an invitation because of the "honor" that it entails. Neither would have come (WA to NE), but they were expecting an invitation. So my grandmother just called me, at work, to find out why her sister and sister-in-law weren''t invited, even though they wouldn''t have come in the first place!!!

I went through this a bit with FMIL too - she wanted us to send invites to all 10 of her mother''s siblings and all 15 of her father''s siblings AND their families (children and their families too!!!)!! Why? Because it is an honor to be invited, and we invited them to FSIL''s wedding too.

Should I have extended an invitation to these relatives? I know them fairly well, although we''re not close, and would have liked to invite them, but we simply cannot afford it. If I had invited my paternal grandparents'' siblings, then I should have also invited my maternal grandparents'' siblings, FH''s maternal grandparents'' siblings, and FH''s paternal grandparents'' siblings, right?

And besides, why should I extend an invitation to people I cannot afford to entertain with the expectation that they will not attend? Isn''t that more rude than not inviting in the first place???

GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[ammayernyc]

Tell all who are pressuring you that if they will help pay for them to be there, you will invite them.

If you are paying for your wedding yourself, invite who you want... the honor is yours that day and yours alone!

 

[MelissaSue]

Yikes. I''d shoot someone. I''m not even inviting my COUSINS!! FI is inviting his cousins.. but he only has 4.. I have 16.. With all of them invited plus guests.. thats like 1/4 of our total original guest list number! Plus, I''m the only one who turned out normal out of all of my cousins.. My aunts and uncles have to be invited, but if I had the choice, I''d skip them too... because they aren''t "happy guests".. they are all a pain in my rear end basically..


So.. I certainly wouldn''t invite my grandmothers siblings (none of them are alive.. but if they were.. they wouldn''t be invited.. I don''t think I had ever met any of them!
I think its absolutely ridiculous to send invites to people who you don''t really want to invite, especially those who will not come.

I just got invited to a wedding that I certainly did not expect to be invited too.. and am not going to attend.. Its not a relative.. but its the same idea.. I was invited for one of three reasons.. 1)She is desperate for people invite and doesn''t want to have an empty wedding 2)Her Mother made her invite me, because her mom wanted to invite my mother or 3)She wants to be invited to my wedding.

Okay.. so I''m coming off as a total bitch.. but I just get really irritated when it comes to wedding invites. I''m trying REALLY hard to keep my guest list small, and even though I''m trying, there are still going to be about 20 more people invited than what I originally wanted. And that is RIGHT NOW, 1 year before my wedding! I have co-workers inviting themselves already (Some who I will have a hard time saying no to!).. my dad is adding guests, and I have decided, that I''m not sacrificing the people who *I* want to invite for anyone elses invites.. so if the list grows, it grows..

 

[JessesGrl]

I have the same problem...isn''t it the most irritating wedding issue!!! My mom has like 50-60 FIRST cousins, both my grandparents on my moms side are one of five, all of whom I have met and would probably be expected to invite. My mom is one of five herself, thank GOD my dads family is small. Then there is another issue- my fiance is the product of divorce, both parents remarried and had two more children each. Then there is his stepfather ( since he was like who is one of EIGHT!!!!! I absolutely REFUSE to invite his stepfathers siblings and there spouses- that is SIXTEEN extra people times almost 120$ a head...I do not even want to do that math!!!! Plus my fiance''s grandma is insisting on inviting her two brothers and sister- all of whom are like 90!!!! My small wedding is too growing and growing....however I STILL REFUSE to invite future STEP father in laws 8 siblings and spouses!!!!!
Oh and the work issue....my fiance works for my uncle and it is a close knit small family buisness w/like 5 employees who are not related to me. I am not close w/them, fiance is not particularly close w/them...however one woman thinks she is coming...ahhhhhh do people realize how much it costs????

 

[lilyinct]

Why can''t people understand that when the bride drops the not-so-subtle hint of "it''s going to be a very small wedding"- that is means not to expect an invite? All we wanted was a small gathering in my parents backlawn, which also happens to be a beach.

What started out as 80 people...quickly snowballed into 100 people after the in-laws got their hands on the list...and now my parents feel the need to invite all the neighbors on their private road so that we can use their driveways to park on....we are now up to 120. UGH!

 

[icekid]

yikes... i am so glad both bf and i have small families! my bf''s parents are both only children, which means he has ZERO cousins. and i only have three. if we do the beach wedding that we are currently thinking of, none of the distant great aunts etc will be invited.. which is a big part of the appeal of the destination wedding for me!

what a pain for you guys! i agree w/ ammayer though. tell them that if they want to invite every last distant relative that you have, then they can pay for the additional expense. it''s just not fair to put that on a young couple who is just starting out.

 

[JessesGrl]

Lily...that is EXACTLY what happened to me- 80 MAX, then 100 MAX and now 120...funny how that happens!

 

[Gale]

This same thing is happening to me and we are 17 months away from the wedding. Nowhere close to sending out invitations.

My dream wedding - no invitees, just the two of us, paid witnesses, either at city hall or somewhere romantic.

Peter''s dream - the whole shebang!

So, we are compromising. We decided to get married out of the country. Peter will invite his whole family, amounting to about 20- people, including all children. I am sending invitiations to 4 sets of aunts and uncles and 2 cousins - people who have known me all my life and who mean a lot to me.

And are my relatives complaining about that already. My mother, who died a number of years ago, comes from a family of 17 children. My father is from 7. Now that I live in the same city as my parents families do, it''s a nightmare. These people I barely know are begging for invitations. I have over 100 cousins on my mother''s side alone, and I only personally know about 12 or 15 of them (we lived in another province). Never mind that none of them can afford to accompany us on our destination wedding - they STILL demand to be invited.

Needless to say, there are going to be a bunch of disappointed people, but I can live with that. I am trying to come up with a diplomatic response to all of these relatives, but it''s hard.

 

[flopkins]

Since you can''t afford it, it''s not even a question- they should not be invited. Granted, there is usually only 75%-80% attendance of all invites, but it sounds like inviting parents'' siblings would increase your invite list by a great deal. I think this is one of those times where you have to sit down, take a deeeeeeep breath, realize it''s not your fault these people are acting selfishly (whether they realize it or not), and just let it go, knowing you made the best decision you could, with your circumstances.

Boy, I do sound so calm cool and collected giving you this advice, wait til I have to deal w/the madness when MY invites go out... I''m waiting for the bomb to drop.

 

[snow_happy]

Do you have extra invites that you can send to your grandparents siblings since you know for a fact they won't come? That might be nice. The FMIL family + siblings is such a large group that you can say you just can't afford the huge group and if you invite one you will have to invite all of them. I don't know..it's a tough situation! I guess I just have a soft spot for pleasing grandparents

. I would say if you know for sure they won't come then there's no harm in sending a courtesy invitation

.


My FI and I both have large families and I'm hoping to keep the guest list capped at 200! Who knows if that's going to be possible though. My HUGE pet peeve is that my FMIL has a friend that is SUPER ANNOYING and always says offensive things without knowing it (ARGH!) but my FMIL says that we have to invite them AND their children. gross. They are absolutely horrid and I really don't want them at the wedding but I guess I don't have a choice. So see...your situation could be worse right?

... Although if my parents won't pay for the wedding then I think my FI and I are going to do a destination wedding!!! (just a side note..sorry to run off on a tangent)

Don't worry in the end you will have a beautiful wedding and a wonderful husband...no matter what the drama about the guest list

 

[JCJD]

WHEW!! Thanks for all the kind words ladies. I''ve mostly calmed down about all this and I did stand my ground about who''s invited. Unfortunately, yesterday my sister started harping about how rude it is that my aunt and uncle won''t be coming because they''re fixing up their house to sell it, and my mom started asking how likely it is that my stepfather''s siblings and their families would be invited - GRRRRRRRRRR..... Luckily, my sister backed off when I let it be known that I''m not offended by aunt''s decision and mom backed off when I reminded her that we don''t have the money to invite all of them plus my stepmom''s sibs and FH''s stepmom''s sibs, and the only way we would be able to invite any of them is if we could invite all of them - all or nothing basically. I think Mom was only asking because she probably gave them all the impression (or outright told them

) that they would be invited without asking me in the first place.


Don''t you just love weddings..... they bring out the best in people.......................

ELOPE I TELL YOU!!!!!!!! ELOPE!!!! RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!

 

[JCJD]

OK - not calm anymore.......

Not 30 minutes after I posted last, dear Granny calls me again.... offering to pay for the difference if my great-aunts come to the wedding...... OK, fine, but then she pulls this crap out - my dad (who explicitly told me I didn''t have to invite said great-aunts months ago!!) is hurt that I haven''t invited his beloved aunts, and I should take his feelings into account. And it''s really rude of me to not invite such beloved relatives - why invite people I''ve known for only a year and exclude blood relatives - it''s simple etiquette. GRRRRRRR...... So I told her that if it''s my father who is upset, then I will discuss it with him, not with her, and I would not make a decision at that point because I''ve already made my decision.

She truly doesn''t understand that this is my wedding, and if she wanted to have this type of hold on my decisions, she should have started before I fully developed my stubborn nature which was inherited from her, thank you very much!! AND she doesn''t understand that if I invite these two relatives, I need to invite all the others at that level of relatedness, and she''d better be prepared to pay not only for the food they''ll eat but for the hassle she''s causing for me! Luckily, my dad remembers telling me that I don''t have to invited them AND that if I invited them, it would be rude to not invite all the rest at that level, so at least he''s on my side.......

Maybe she''ll back off if I tell her if she pushes this issue any more, I''m retracting her invitation!

 

[flopkins]

awww JC--- it''s just a messy situation. IMO- tell you granny (calmly) that you simply cannot afford to invite her siblings+family AND all the equivalent ppl on the other side. If she can help you out with that (and tell her how many ppl it would be, and how much it would cost) then you would be more than happy to invite them.

In the end, if she''s willing to foot the bill, everyone will be happy and you won''t even notice the day of, cuz you''ll be too happy!

hope you''re feeling better.........

 

[JCJD]

OK. I talked to my dad, who agrees with me on this, and I''m feeling a little better.

It''s not even about the money anymore. It''s the fact that my grandmother won''t respect the fact that this is MY wedding, I want it to be small, and I have already made decisions concerning the guest list (three months ago, in fact). She also won''t respect the fact that I am a grown woman (2 years older than she was when she got married, so that''s not an excuse) and I can deal with the consequences of decisions I have made (like offending distant relatives). I''ve told her already that we want it small, and she still insists on inviting this level of relatives, despite there being only 42 days between now and the wedding. She doesn''t seem to care whether or not her brother is invited, but her sister and SIL are what''s causing the issue. It''s disrespectful to me and my wishes, and that''s why I''m so upset about it. I don''t think she knows that I''d rather elope and have zero guests, which would REALLY rock the boat since I''m the first grandchild........

Now, if she''s brought this issue up more than six weeks before the wedding, that''d be a different story....

Grrrrr........

 

[ame]

Technically you should invite them whether they plan to attend or not, but I know what you are getting at. I didn''t invite kids past my first cousin''s kids. Period. No exceptions and if they show up with the kid, the kid aint eatin unless the momma shares.

I know for fact that people will deliberately defy that, and mom and dad already called the ones that marked their kids names in on their own to tell them the kids were not invited. There''s no separate price for a childs dish, we have to pay full price of 30 something bucks. So, to keep costs down, we excluded kids. I know one family threw a FIT and my mom and dad said "well sorry that you don''t agree, we''ll miss all of you at the wedding and reception" and hung up.

 

[momothree]

Ame: kudos to your parents for handling a tough situation with grace. I can''t imagine the gall of people ASSUMING their kids are/should be invited to a wedding. I have three little kiddies but can''t imagine anyone but the closest friend or family including them. I''m invited to an out of town wedding in a couple of months that I may not be able to attend simply because I''m having trouble finding a place to park the kids for the weekend -- but that''s MY problem, not the bride''s.
JCJD: It can be so hard to avoid your wedding turning into a runaway train; keep your chin up! I was talked into up inviting a gagillion friends of my very social MIL and ten years later I''m still wondering why.... Remember, though, the wedding is just a day but the marriage is for years!

 

[Nicrez]

I totally understand you wedding issues! My DF has taken to inviting people he was friends with YEARS ago and has not had contact with in over 4-6 years... and we are ALREADY 40 people over our limit... He''s killing me. His parents asked for an extra 100 invites to send out to his family overseas, and they said that almost no one will come... Imagine, my room hold 150 TOPS and we have literally 200 invitations roaming around the world, and that''s not including an invite for 2 or more people...

I am having a coronary here....And I had to order one set of invites for my DF''s side with his parents name first, and then a set with my parent''s name first (as my father will be helping out with 75% of the cost of the wedding)...

I know it''s all about compromise, but honestly, smile and nod when people ask things of you that you can not give, and do what you want anyway. And if they question it, just say " I really appreciate your input, and thank you for the organizational help, but I''ve got it covered."

Why can''t people understand the steer clear of the bride...?!

The stress is enough without the peanut gallery...

 

[JCJD]

Date: 5/12/2005 6:16:49 PM
Author: ame
Technically you should invite them whether they plan to attend or not, but I know what you are getting at.

Curious. Why?

Snaps to your parents for holding their ground! That takes a lot of guts and self-control!


momothree - Thanks for the kind words. In fact, the whole reason I want the wedding small is because I think it''s kind of silly to spend this much time, money, and energy on one day. I would personally much rather not plan a wedding, go to pre-marital counseling classes, and go off to Hawaii or something, get married, and get on with the rest of our lives together!! A friend who''s also getting married this summer said, "I''m tired of this wedding stuff - let''s move on to the marriage!!", and it echoes my sentiments exactly!! However, since we did decide to do this wedding thing, I want control!!

Nicrez - TWO sets of invitations????? With different parent orders??? We didn''t even put parents names on the invites - 3/4 remarried parents''s is a lot of space! I hope the fam understands how incredible it is that you guys did that! I can''t even imagine...


Thanks for letting me vent everyone. I talked to my dad, who then talked to my grandmother. She understands how my dad really feels and what my deal is now, so I''m lots better! It''s not like I''m intentionally trying to offend people by not inviting them, but I had to draw the line somewhere. Whew!!

 

[ame]

Date: 5/13/2005 11:15:01 AM
Author: JCJD

Date: 5/12/2005 6:16:49 PM

Author: ame

Technically you should invite them whether they plan to attend or not, but I know what you are getting at.

Curious. Why?


Snaps to your parents for holding their ground! That takes a lot of guts and self-control!

It''s apparently in the Post etiquette books and I know both of my grandma''s GASPED with disgust when I mentioned not inviting known no-shows. They said that there''s more anger and resentment for the lack of invite than if you just invite and they can''t come.

 

[Blue824]

Yikes! That''s horrible of her to do so last minute!! Like you really need more stress?! Sorry that''s all happened!!! I''m so glad it has been resolved! Once the guest list is set, I think that''s the end of the discussion!

That being said, I think this varies from family to family, budget to budget. My family''s attitude is similar to Ame''s. It has already been made clear by my parents when it is time to plan my wedding (still a ways a way!) that the ENTIRE family will be invited. And that it didnt matter if they knew they couldnt come, which means I''d even have to send out international invites.

Sort of a funny story....My moms family came to the US and didn''t have a lot of family, my father had/has quite a large extended family. When they decided to get married they wanted a small ceremony of 40 inviting only of immediate families, extremely close friends and aunts and uncles, no cousins. My fathers family was paying for the whole thing, and my mom who had virtually no family in the US asked if her two cousins could be invited....well, if my mom''s cousins were invited then of course my dad should be able to invite his cousins...the wedding went from 60 to 200 in a matter of minutes! Obviously starting to add one or two here and there can completely snowball and become an entirely different event!

 

[windy1365]

My grandmother convinced me to invite one of my aunt and uncles that I can not stand. They have always been rude and disrespectful to my mama. I invited them to make my grandmother happy. I just knew that they wouldn''t show up. But...they showed up. They didn''t ruin my wedding by any means, but I heard from my sister that they had some snotty comments to make about their being a tornado warning during my wedding... he said, "how appropriate". Plus, they were taking pictures of my mama and her boyfriend and trying to get info out of my stepdad.

My point is... don''t invite anyone to your wedding expecting that they won''t come. Sometimes, they do show up!!

 

[windy1365]

JCJD -

My grandmama wanted to invite her sister, who I don''t remember. I told her that she could if I had room left after I got my RSVP''s back. I guess you could say that she was on the ''B'' list.

When my wedding day came, I saw people there that I had not invited at all!! Other people had decided that they wanted to invite them... like my sister''s friends friend''s mother invited one girl because she wanted to see all the girls together again. Then, I saw family friends that I had not invited.

It did work out okay, though, because some people that had RSVP that they were coming, did not show up. But, if everyone that was supposed to show up had, I might have been in trouble.

 

[JCJD]

Just saw the responses - thanks again everyone!

Ame - OK, I get that. In fact, I invited my PhD advisor even though I know they''ll be on a plane to MN while the ceremony is going on. Does this still apply when I''m not inviting others of the same relationship? i.e. Great-aunt Sue won''t be able to come, were she invited, but since I''m not inviting Great-aunts or Great-uncles at all, do I still have to send the invite to Sue?

Blue - My dad and stepmother (who are paying for a majority of the wedding) told us that the decisions were completely ours to make. We could spend all of the money and take out a loan for a lavish wedding, we could have a tiny ceremony without the frills and save the cash for a rainy day, whatever we wanted. I even asked Dad about inviting the Great-aunts in question, but not other Great-aunts and -uncles, and he said it should be all or none to avoid being rude. So there you have it... These things differ between parents and grandparents too apparently.

windy - I can''t believe you had people show up without an invite!! Don''t people realize that''s not only costing you money, it''s incredibly rude!! We didn''t put "and guest" on the invites unless we know that person has a sig. other, but I''ve been telling people that a guest is fine just so long as we know (as in, on the RSVP) how many people to expect. It''s crazy how everybody seems to think, "I''ll just bring Joe with me. They won''t have a problem with one extra person!" Crazy people...
Don''t worry about your aunt and uncle. I bet other people noticed their disrespectful behavior and it reflects poorly on them, not on you. If anything, you were incredibly gracious to include them!

 

[windy1365]

Some people just don''t know wedding ettiquete. Then, there are some people that do know but don''t care.