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Grandma doesn''t want to come to my bridal luncheon

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appletini

appletini

Ideal_Rock
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Nov 29, 2004
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I was raised by my grandmother starting at age 3, so she''s really more my mom than my g-ma. Anyway she''s the one who has always done everything for me, is paying for the wedding, etc.

Well she has very limited vision and osteo-arthritis (but has plenty of vicodin to be comfortable), so she can''t be as active in the wedding planning and events as she''d like to be. After some coersion from myself and others, I finally got her to agree to "walk" me down the aisle (I''m not very close with my parents and they are not a financial sponsor for the wedding).

My aunt and I recently went shopping to get her some cute outfits to wear for the rehearsal dinner, bridal luncheon, etc. She called me yesterday and told me that she wants to retrun the bridal luncheon outfit because she''s not going. She said that she''d still pay for it and that I can have it wherever I want, but thinks it will be too much for her to go the rehearsal dinner, bridal luncheon, and wedding. I know that she can if she really wants to but is the kind of person that likes to stress and obsess over things when its so not necessary. She has 3 lady "helpers" that are almost family, so I had planned to invite them too, so that the 4 of them could ride together and they could help her get ready, etc.

It makes me so sad, b/c this is the one day I really want to share with her, not to mention I can probably spend more time with her at the luncheon than I will at the wedding. She hasn''t been able to attend any showers, so I don''t want her to regret not going to this one thing. One of the reasons why I chose my reception location is because its 1 mile from her house and she''s familiar with the venue even though she can''t see well, she remembers how it will look.

I just wanted to vent.
 
Vent away, Dear....but please respect your Grandma''s wishes!

She knows better than anyone what she''s up to. She sounds so wonderful.

Maybe a visit from you after the luncheon, perhaps with a "doggie bag" of treats from it, and a blow-by-blow description of the event would be even more pleasurable for her.

Just my thoughts..
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Widget, Thanks! I wish I could visit her afterwards, but I''ll have my hair and make up appts and she''s a 30 minute drive from those, so no time.
 
Hi Appletini,

I can understand your feelings completely but try to understand your grandmother''s POV. I am sure she would love to be there but she might feel overwhelmed with all the events coming up. I think the fact that she is walking you down the aisle is wonderful and if you keep your focus on that, having her miss the bridal luncheon won''t feel so bad. GL!
 
Silly question, but what is a bridal luncheon? I had never heard of them until I started posting on wedding messageboards.

It sounds like your luncheon is the same day as the wedding, so perhaps you could move it to an earlier day so your grandma won''t be as exhausted? That might be a problem though if a lot of your bridal party is from out-of-town. As others have said, your grandma sounds just lovely, and you were so thoughtful for picking a venue that she would like.
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Peony, The bridal or bridesmaids luncheon is usually held the day of the wedding or the day before for the bride, bms, moms, grandmas, and whoever else you want to invite. Its just a girls get together before everything. My bridal party and I are having a mani/pedi party the afternoon of the rehearsal and my FIs mom''s friends are providing the food and wine for that. I just want to do something special the day of the wedding to recognize the special ladies in my life.
 
Appletini,

Just an idea.
Can you have the bridal luncheon at your grandma's place so that she doesn't have to travel for it?
 
I''m sorry that you''re disappointed Apple
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I don''t know what your schedule is like on the big day, but could you maybe have breakfast with her at her house the morning of? or even just tea or something? Just so you get some alone time with her? I can definitely see why you''d like to spend time with her on your special day, and I''m sure she would love to as well.
 
Lili,
I thought about having something catered at her house, but while she does have a beautiful home it needs a lot of maintance to get it presentable. I originally had planned for all the girls to get ready at her house, and she didn''t like that idea either b/c it would make her all anxious and she claims she wouldn''t be able to "rest". The bottom line is that really she''s just a drama queen and has to make a big deal over nothing.

Lizzie,
As much as I love the idea of breakfast with her, the luncheon will be in Houston at 10:30am with my appts starting at 1pm. It would be too stressful on me to get up super early, get showered etc, drive to Ft. Bend county and then drive back to Houston for the luncheon. I''ll be needing my beauty sleep as much as possible.
 
Apple, how emotional is she?

Like if you told her how sad you were that you wouldn''t see her before the wedding, and cried would she be moved at all? Like enough to let everyone get ready at her house? Or maybe only you can get ready at her house?

If so, then maybe consider doing that.
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Alternatively, can someone go and pick her up and drive her to the luncheon? Your mom? Aunt? We are always going to get my Grandma and driving her to family gatherings, or if we don''t do it, my Mother typically will. It''s just easier that way and it ensures she can''t bail (grandmas get cranky when they are older!) because everything is ''done'' for her.

Just some ideas. My grandma was saying she didn''t want to come to the wedding because she was afraid to fly over water but somehow with repitition of talking about it, and reassuring her, and also just pretending she wasn''t saying she wasn''t coming, she managed to make it there! And she LOVED Hawaii and keeps talking about how she wants to go back.
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Mara,

If I did the whole crying thing she''d cry too and then try to make me feel sorry for her, so I''m not going down that road. The orginal plan was for her helpers to be invited too and they could help her get ready and drive her, etc, so she would have nothing at all to worry about. I''ll still invite her and them, but now I just feel that if she''s going to be that way about it and then be upset afterwards that she didn''t go, then the burden is on her b/c I made the effort to make sure she would be accomodated.
 
This might be a tad sneaky
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but might work.... How were you planning to go about inviting your grandma''s helpers? I think you should go ahead and invite them (and your g-ma) in writing and in person if possible. Since you said they''re like family anyway, I think that if you make a big point of inviting the helpers, your grandma might feel like she has to go so that they can go without leaving her, you know what I mean? And if they''re excited to go, then their excitement might rub off on her too! Just a thought...
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Lizzie,

I''m hoping that works. Peer pressure!
 
I hope it works out for you, but she just may not be up for all the activity and stuff. If not, I hope you can steal a moment at another point during the day with her.
 
I THINK YOU SHOULD GIVE GRANDMA A BREAK and respect her wishes!!

A bridal luncheon AND a rehearsal dinner AND a wedding very well could be too much for her! Maybe she wants to save herself so she's at her best on the Big Day when she gets to walk you down the aisle!!

Just my opinion, of course...
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widget (a proud, card-carrying member of the Grandmas' Union
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)
 
Sounds a lot like my Nanny. I am closer to her than my mom too. I think she is being realistic in what she can handle. The rehersal dinner, and the wedding is a lot for an old lady. She probably would do the bridal luncheon if she could, but sounds like if she did that too she''d be a wreck for the wedding. She has to save her strength to walk you down the aisle. Maybe she can be brought to where you are getting dressed?? That''s a very special time. Just a thought. Good luck!!
 
I agree with Widget and your grandma. Grandma's seem to know what they can take. My G-ma is the same way. She can't do everything she once did, has to take a couple naps during the day. Let her rest through the luncheon and I'm sure she'll be doing fine for the rest of the restivities! ETA: oops! that was a total Freudian slip! I meant Festivities
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hahaha
 
I see both sides, so really I don''t have anything constructive to add except ::HUGS::
 
Add me to the list of people who think you shouldn''t push her beyond her strength. You want a happy, rested Grandma walking you down the aisle, not a Grandma who''s exhausted. She may already be doing more than she feels quite up to to begin with.
 
I know you''re upset right now .. because you expected one thing & its been switched up ... and your Grandma might have a history of stressing & crying wolf ... BUT: please don''t pressure her. Let her set her own limits. If she has regrets it''ll be HER decision. Sometimes people have to be prudent in advance, rather than risk their limits. CLEARLY the wedding itself & walking down the aisle is the #1 most important thing to her & you .. #2 rehersal dinner ... the bridal luncheon is a far, far third (most people I know have never even had one - seriously!). Would you rather her go to the first two and then NOT MAKE THE WEDDING! I''m sure you wouldn''t!

Chill. Adjust your expectations. And hug that awesome Granny who has done so, so, so much for you & the ceremony. This is a great time to truly show your RESPECT by honoring her decision -- despite your own wishes. She deserves it ...
 
One way to think about it is this - she probably WANTS to be there as much as you want her to be there. If you''re truly as close as you say, of course she''d want to be there as much as she can for your special day!! But she just may not be able to physically handle all of it, or feel overwhelmed by it. Don''t sweat it too much if she can''t come...it''s a big thing for her to be walking you down the aisle.
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My $.02...Apple knows her g-ma a million times better than any of us can speculate to. And I''m sure if she thought that her g-ma was physically unable to make it to the 3 events, she''d have no prob. w/ that. She seems to think that it''s not a matter of inability to, but rather, not wanting to b/c of unfounded "stress." She thinks that her grandma will regret it later if she doesn''t go... I think it''s a valid concern and I don''t think there''s anything wrong with trying to encourage/push her g-ma to attend.
 
Very true Lizzie - but the g''ma is the only one that can gauge how debilitating her ''perceived'' level of stress is. It would be a shame for her to miss out on it, but if she thinks she can''t handle it, maybe she can''t?
 
Date: 4/14/2006 10:33:52 PM
Author: LizzieC
My $.02...Apple knows her g-ma a million times better than any of us can speculate to. And I''m sure if she thought that her g-ma was physically unable to make it to the 3 events, she''d have no prob. w/ that. She seems to think that it''s not a matter of inability to, but rather, not wanting to b/c of unfounded ''stress.'' She thinks that her grandma will regret it later if she doesn''t go... I think it''s a valid concern and I don''t think there''s anything wrong with trying to encourage/push her g-ma to attend.
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I think its very hard if not IMPOSSIBLE for younger folks to fully appreciate the difficulties of aging. Appletini may "think" she knows her granny''s abilities ... but can anyone know better than Granny herself?? I mean, the lady needs FOUR HELPERS.

Also, as someone who has struggled with a mild anxiety disorder ... what one person considers "unfounded stress" can be PARALYZING to someone else. Just my 2 cents.
 
Thanks ladies for your support and concern either way. Knowing grandma, sometimes even its just getting her to go the country club for lunch or dinner is a big deal, but once she goes, she is always so glad that she went and got out of the house. Knowing her, if she were truly unable, I''d let it slide, but knowing that its more mental prepartion than physical ability thats what bothers me. I know she''ll be glad she went than if she didnt, and probably make me feel guilty/bad if she doesn''t. I just don''t want her to miss out on something that I know she can attend. Afterall Neiman Marcus tea room used to be one of her favorite places and is a place she is familiar with, even if she can''t see it. Only the best for grandma.
 
Apple, I totally can see what you are saying...my grandma likes to complain alot and be dramatic about stuff but in the end she is perfectly able to go to things and has a great time once she is there, etc. She likes to be told she HAS to come and alot of hullabaloo made about her presence etc. Of course she never acts like that is the case but it is. She always threatens to not come to family gatherings or says she doesn''t want to do XYZ but in the end she is always there.

Anyway, I would agree with respecting what she wants BUT just make sure that she knows just how badly you want her to be there and see if there is a way to work it out. If you can, maybe she can attend the luncheon, then go take a nap, and then the wedding? Nothing in between or similar. I always know that my grandma will totally regret not coming to things, aka when she was saying she wasn''t coming to the wedding, so that is why we push her to attend important events even if it means it''s a bit more challenging or it takes more coordination. Memories are priceless.
 
Mara, Grandmas are so funny about things. Yes Grandma will have all afternoon to rest, nap, etc. Plus the wedding is the easiest b/c its so close to her house.
 
appletini-

I think we have the same grandma! Mine is also very funny about things and often makes up really weird excuses as to why she can''t do xxx activity.
Sometimes it is frustrating, but then I also remember that she has lived a very hard life, been married to abusive men and worked in factories since she was very young; she is now retired, is fairly financially comfortable, and makes herself happy by living in an apartment, watching TV all day, and buying gifts for my mom and I because that''s how she likes to show her love. It took me a long time to understand why she wouldn''t come to Thanksgiving dinner but yet she would help with down payments on houses, new school clothes, et cetera. Everyone shows their love in different ways, and I''m sure your grandma has her very own unique way of showing her love to you; even if it''s not the way you might prefer (by having her at your luncheon) try to remember that she is practically ancient and now has earned the right in her life to do whatever she pleases. So as much as you will miss her try to respect her wishes and let her be. One day you will be old too and you can do whatever you want!
 
I just reserved the location for my bridal luncheon, I had wanted another place but depending on how the numbers turned out it might not be an option. I asked FIs mom if she thought his grandma''s would come and she said yes. So today I called my grandma and told her they were coming despite their ailments. I told her I needed an honest answer from her so that I could make a final decision on the location. I said "Is there now way in hell that you will come to my bridal shower? Or is there a slim chance that you might if everyone talked you into it?" She said there was a slim chance, so hopefully that means yes. I think knowing that his g-mas would for sure come helped tip the scale.
 
yay! glimmer of hope. i think on the day of your g-ma will be swept away in the excitement of everything and there is a good chance she''ll be there!
 
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