groom''s parents ...urgh (long)

[msontaratta]

My fiance''s parents are divorced and both remarried. Although I get along with them just fine, it seems as though the moment we got engaged - they have had some some opinions on how we should proceed with planning our wedding.

First my FFIL mandated that we could not get married in a catholic church (I''m catholic, my fiance is not) and if we did, he would not come. And although it was always my dream to get married in a catholic church (as well as my grandmother''s last dying wish)...I bit my tounge and comprimised. I didn''t want to cause any drama - and by no means did I want my fiance to not have his father attend our wedding! So we are getting married outside on a golf course. I am perfectly fine with the decision - however I must admit it wasn''t my first choice.

Along the process of planning for this wedding - fiance and I have made all decisions together - to truly make this day special for us. We are paying for the entire reception ourselves, the honeymoon and our wedding rings. The cake, dress, flowers, dj, table chairs and bows, invitations and a bunch of other extra''s are being paid by my parents. My grandmother is paying for the photographer.

During this whole process - we did not anticpate my fiance''s parents to contribute a dime - and just went along with our planning saying to ourselves "it will only be an added bonus" if they give us anything.

The other day - my fiance''s mother asked my fiance what is ''typically the responsiblity of the groom''s parents".

Because she asked, ......he answered "typically the responsiblitity is the rehearsal dinner". She continued to put her two cents in on the wedding....that we were putting ourselves in a bind finacially and shouldn''t plan such a lavish wedding.......that my fiance shouldn''t have to work a second job to help pay for this wedding (he recently got a part time bartending gig at a country club which we both discussed would be helpful on our supplemental income..because right before we got engaged I just purchased a house! needless to say a wedding and a new mortgage has been quite a life change.)

Anyways - she kept going on an on - on how we should of done things. My fiance - started to get frustrated and took a stand. He told her that his father already controlled that we couldn''t get married in a catholic church and that he WILL NOT have me comprimise anymore of my dream wedding. I was proud of him for doing that!!! Considering - it is truly our money that we are spending and not asking for any handouts!

Ok - so to my point. When my fiance told her that typically the responsiblity of the groom''s parents were (because she asked). She then asked if there was anything she could do to help. My fiance indicated that if they could (meaning his mom and his stepdad) that it would be great if they could contribute any amount towards the cost of the rehearsal (not even asking for them to front the entire thing)....she then asks to talk to me.

Do you know what she told me????

She said, to me "Michelle, since you guys are trying to save on costs.....perhaps myself and my family (5 other people including my fiance''s stepfather) will not come to the rehearsal dinner. This should save you guys on cost.

I don''t know if I"m losing my mind - but I couldn''t believe it! She thinks that ...that is helpful? If anything my fiance is so hurt that she would even say that...because why would he not want his mother there?

I just very nicely responded to her (even though I was baffled)..."of course we would want you to attend. Please do not worry about our budget, we wouldn''t want it any other way to have our immediate family, wedding party and OOT guests present to celebrate the occasion!"

This is now the second time that his mom and dad has said they weren''t coming. First his dad threatening not coming to the wedding if we got married in a catholic church and now his mom saying it would be helpful to us if she didn''t come to the rehearsal???????????

Yikes.

 

[sumbride]

If you''re paying for it yourselves, start ignoring them. Make all your decisions without them, and then tell them what you''ve decided. It''s easier to ask forgiveness than permission! If they aren''t willing to help but are interested in everything, just don''t tell them until it''s done. This is the strategy we''re using and it''s not stopping the complaining, but once we have our minds made up and contracts signed, we aren''t budging!

My FMIL hates:

1) how much the tuxes cost to rent (she is NOT renting or paying for one. why does she care???)
2) Where we''re having our rehearsal dinner (we said it wasn''t up to her... we''d pay if we had to)
3) how many people we''re inviting to the rehearsal dinner (again, told her it was our choice, not hers)
4) that we aren''t having seating charts (it''s a cocktail reception!!! I said "there aren''t enough chairs for everyone!!!)
5) That we''re having a cocktail reception! (number of guests vs. budget, plus our personal decisons make it necessary)
6) That my mother hasn''t picked her dress yet (not up to me!)
7) The jr. bridesmaid dress that her granddaughter picked (she thinks it''s "too plain")

I''m sure once we tell her about the music, the menu, the flowers, and the invitations she''ll hate those too, but we''ve just decided we don''t care. It''s our wedding, afterall.

 

[dmamsquared]

Well you can see why these people are divorced. Stick to your plans and tune them out. They''re acting like spoiled brats.

 

[Independent Gal]

Wow. That is so hurtful!!!! Sounds like you''re handling yourself like a star. Don''t let them get to you. Focus on all that''s wonderful and on the fact that you seem to have got yourself a great guy.

 

[monarch64]

I would invite them to the rehearsal dinner anyway and start ignoring all other opinions of theirs from here on out. They are behaving ridiculously and being unfair to both their son and you in the process, sheesh.

Life is just not easy, is it?

 

[cara]

Practice distancing yourself from these toxic people now cause.... it ain''t gonna get better later!

How horrifying! Uninviting themselves to the rehersal! Wow.

 

[surfgirl]

Seriously, his parents sound fairly awful! I agree with what others have already said but I''d go a bit further and say that IF you REALLY want to get married in a church, you should do it. It''s YOUR wedding, not your FFIL''s wedding. If he doesn''t like it, he doesn''t have to show up, but if marrying in a church is that important to you, then you should do it. And this is coming from someone who has no interest in religion at all but if you do, then do what''s right for YOU. It sounds like your FI is very supportive of you, which is a great start for your marriage

FWIW, the FMIL sounds like a passive aggressive witch. And the FFIL sounds like a mini-dictator. Dont let them push you around...

 

[msontaratta]

Thank you to everyone who has left comments. I was wondering if I was going crazy or maybe even overreacting. It''s good to hear that my thoughts are validated.

It''s a bit of a sticky situation though - as although I know both of his parents are wrong.....they are afterall his parents, and I don''t want to insult my fiance. It''s not his fault. He knows that, but I don''t want to talk too badly about them to him. I wouldn''t want him talking badly about my parents (except my parents aren''t as nuts!) Trust me though....I''ve expressed my opinions about the situation - but I said my peace....and I''ll move on and bite my tounge. (till the next time they do something crazy, I guess).

As for getting married in a church. It''s too late now. My fiance ---after all that has happend since, now realizes that he shouldn''t of listened to his father. But what''s done is done. I feel like we made the right decision - because truly I don''t think his father would of come (and thus my fiance would of been very upset).

Thanks again!

I''ll keep you guys updated if she shows up to the rehearsal. She''s got a little over 3 months to figure that one out....

 

[Pandora II]

Oh my, I have been making a solemn promise since I started wedding planning that when my potential future children get married I will behave as my parents and FIL''s have behaved with me and FI. Basically - other than my father insisting that we have a formal wedding and reception near them, here''s the $$$, do whatever you like and please invite us. I am truly very, very lucky. (or have I just done a great job in parent rearing

)

My mother was telling me last night how my grandmother and aunt totally took over my other much younger aunt''s wedding and she basically didn''t get a say in anything and she''s still upset about it 21 years later!

I''ve seen so many horror stories here and on other forums and it makes me so sad the way people can really be so small minded and unpleasant towards their children.

Stick to your guns on everything and ignore all snidey comments.