Guest List Etiquette

[FLgirl41]

My FI have been having the discussion about our guest list. We are trying to finalize it so we can send out STDs, but we are unsure of the etiquette behind inviting. Either of us have been to a big wedding, only ones really were my two cousins who had small weddings maybe 20 to 40 each and were very informal.

We have like 165 people on our list and we are trying to plan to have less than 150. I''d say about 40 - 50% of our list is out of town guests and of those OOT guests I would say 50% would come (my wedding is 5 days before Christmas).

We are trying to figure out how many guests we need to cut or put on a "B" list, so to say, so we don''t go over 150.

So finally the etiquette question on inviting guests. How do you stipulate who can bring guests and who can''t? Is it that if you know that the person has a serious significant other that you would invite them and a guest? What would classify has serious? Live-in partner?

We just don''t know how to figure this out. Should we just send the STDs to the for sure OOT guests and try and get a gag of who might come and who may not and then send out a second wave of STDs? So confused any help would be awesome!

 

[Independent Gal]

Hiya,

OK, first of all, if you are inviting 165 and want 150 or less to show up, you're probably safe inviting all of them. The chances are extremely good that at least 15 people won't make it when the guest list is that big.

In terms of inviting people with a guest, it's totally up to you, and the only etiquette things I can think of are a) it's obviously rude to invite someone without their SPOUSE b) be consistent. Don't invite your pal Jane and tell her she can bring a friend, but not your cousin John.

Some examples of possible rules of thumb:

1) Only married and engaged couples
2) Only married, engaged, and as good as married couples (my brother and his "wife" e.g. never formally married, but they've lived together for 11 years and intend to stay together forever. I call her my SIL, etc.)
3) Only people with a partner/ bf/gf (i.e., an identifiable name you can put on the envelope)
4) Everyone gets to bring a guest.

We are using Rule Number 2. Which rule you choose is up to you, depending on space etc.

ETA: Be careful about a second wave of STD's, if you're sending them to people who know people from round 1. Nothing makes you feel the love like realizing you're a B-list guest!

 

[Haven]

Etiquette states that you must invite spouses, fiances/fiancees, and live-in partners of guests, even if you don't know them. It is up to you whether you want single, unattached guests to bring dates and parents to bring children.

Miss Manners says some hilarious things about inviting people "and guest" as she thinks it is absolutely crazy to allow someone to bring whomever they please to YOUR wedding. She's so darn funny, that Miss Manners.

If you're looking to cut down your guest list, the "and guests" are the first guests I would cut.

ETA: You mentioned a "B" list. I know that people do this, however the whole thing about inviting "A" list guests and then only extending invitations to "B" list guests seems like it is potentially an extremely hurtful thing to do. I strongly encourage you to finalize your guest list, and to have only one guest list. If people don't make it on your "A" list, then perhaps they shouldn't be invited at all.

Good luck with your planning! You're getting an early start, which will definitely be helpful.

 

[FLgirl41]

great tips you guys!

So how does this sound. Take the people off the list we are hesitant about. I know there are a couple people on there that I can for sure take off that I have not talked with in forever as well as my FI, like his old golfing buddies from college that he hasn''t spoken with in like a year and a half. So I am thinking we can bring it down to 155 or so.

Then we can play by the rule of inviting partners (married, engaged, live-in, or if we know their sig other)

And completely thow out the "B" list option, because I honestly think that would make people feel bad too.

Thanks again!

 

[ringster]

thanks for posting this FLgirl because i was trying to figure out the same thing. all of the reponses to your post have been very helpful.

i have another question so hope you don''t mind me adding my own related question. i have a friend whose wedding i was in several years ago. when she got married she moved away and we hardly keep in contact since - she had two kids almost immediately after getting married that have kept her pretty busy and is really bad in general about keeping in touch. i feel like we are not as close anymore but since i was a bridesmaid in her wedding, would it be rude not to invite her to my wedding? i don''t think she would come anyway but i think it might be weird to say hey i''m getting married and thought i''d tell you but you don''t really need to come as you are so far away.

i guess the real question is how do you handle letting people know you are getting married but not inviting them to the wedding? sorry for the long post and hope it is on topic.

 

[Haven]

FLGirl--Sounds like you have a clear idea of what you plan to do, wonderful!

Ringster--My FI has a similar problem with several of his old friends. He''s 37 and many of his friends were married ten to five years ago, and he stood up in a lot of weddings, but he only keeps in touch with about half of the guys today. He''s decided that it would be silly to invite them to the wedding simply because they were friends so long ago and he happened to stand up in their weddings.

How can you let them know you''re married without inviting them to your wedding? EASY! Send out wedding announcements after the wedding. While making our guest list we also made an "announcement" list, too.

 

[~*Snow*~]

A good rule of thumb is 66% of the people you invite will come.. so with 165 people invited you will for sure be under the 150 mark...

 

[ringster]

Date: 1/4/2008 1:09:52 PM
Author: Haven

How can you let them know you''re married without inviting them to your wedding? EASY! Send out wedding announcements after the wedding. While making our guest list we also made an ''announcement'' list, too.

that''s a good idea to make an announcement list. it''s for those people who are kind of in between that are causing me consternation. i think my friend would feel really bad if she all of a sudden got an announcement without a heads up but i don''t know how to give her a heads up without not inviting her

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Hi FlGirl,

I know you want to send Save-the-Dates out in January, but I personally would hold off sending them until you have a more solid guest list. Heck, even if you had a more solid guest list now, most people wait until about 6 months before the wedding.

As for the etiquette questions, the rule for invites about +1 is if (1) married, (2) living together, (3) engaged, or (4) been dating for a period of one year or more. Less than that, it''s up to the hosts'' discretion.

Save-the-Dates are just informal announcements, not formal invites, so they should just be addressed to those who share a household. For instance:

--if cousin Sue Smith lives with her fiance John Jones, address the STD as Smith and Jones and the invite as Smith and Jones

--if cousin Sue Smith does not live with her fiance John Jones, address the informal STD to your cousin at her address, and the formal invite to Smith with a +1 (or today, it can also name Mr. Jones as well).

Hope this helps!

 

[Pandora II]

I''m going for the married/engaged/living together for over a year option along with the no children under 10 rule.

My venue''s cut off is 120 guests - our initial guest list was 185!!!

We have trimmed that down to 120 and have 8 people on a B list - 2 couples who are friends of FI and I, and 2 couples who are friends of my parents.

I''m pretty sure that 90% of our guests will attend - I have question marks against about 8 people at the moment. What I have done is to stagger the sending out of the STD''s so that they don''t arrive in one go and people feel left out.

Since most people are OOT, I also sent an email round saying that I had booked up two hotels, and could people let me know asap if they wanted me to reserve them a room as there are very few places to stay - which got me a lot of early RSVPs - and I have put reservations on my list for the B list people as well just in case.

I had a big disagreement with FI yesterday - he was emailing the guy who is organising his Stag weekend all the details of who to invite - and had put down names of people who won''t be invited to the wedding.

Luckily I saw it before it was sent and told him you can''t do that - one of his friends had a stag-do last year and didn''t invite any of them to the wedding, so FI didn''t see why there was an issue - until I pointed out that J only had 15 people total at his wedding and they were all relatives, so it was a completely different ball game to not inviting people to a wedding for 120! Men

 

[gtn]

IGal and others have given you some good advice. I think that is a good way of doing it.

As for the question about telling a friend how was not invited to the wedding.... Send out engagement announcements and then wedding announcements after the fact. You don't have to invite everybody to your wedding.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/4/2008 12:38:42 PM
Author: FLgirl41
great tips you guys!


So how does this sound. Take the people off the list we are hesitant about. I know there are a couple people on there that I can for sure take off that I have not talked with in forever as well as my FI, like his old golfing buddies from college that he hasn''t spoken with in like a year and a half. So I am thinking we can bring it down to 155 or so.


Then we can play by the rule of inviting partners (married, engaged, live-in, or if we know their sig other)


And completely thow out the ''B'' list option, because I honestly think that would make people feel bad too.


Thanks again!

I think that is a GREAT plan. That''s what we did and it worked very well. Good luck!

 

[FLgirl41]

Date: 1/4/2008 3:10:52 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis
Hi FlGirl,

I know you want to send Save-the-Dates out in January, but I personally would hold off sending them until you have a more solid guest list. Heck, even if you had a more solid guest list now, most people wait until about 6 months before the wedding.

As for the etiquette questions, the rule for invites about +1 is if (1) married, (2) living together, (3) engaged, or (4) been dating for a period of one year or more. Less than that, it''s up to the hosts'' discretion.

Save-the-Dates are just informal announcements, not formal invites, so they should just be addressed to those who share a household. For instance:

--if cousin Sue Smith lives with her fiance John Jones, address the STD as Smith and Jones and the invite as Smith and Jones

--if cousin Sue Smith does not live with her fiance John Jones, address the informal STD to your cousin at her address, and the formal invite to Smith with a +1 (or today, it can also name Mr. Jones as well).

Hope this helps!

To reply about STDs The reason I am sending them 10 months ahead of time is becuase a huge chunk of my guests are OOT and a lot of them have no money and I know they want to come but they need good deals to do so. Plus our wedding is 5 days ahead of Christmas so I want to make sure that people who want to make it have enough time to plan.

We are constructing a web-site and I will be doing weekly updates on travel information for the major airports for a good chunk of the cities people would fly out of as well as hotel information besides blocked hotel information.

As for addressing the STD it is a very good idea, i will definetly keep that in mind.

As for the rest of you thank you for being such a great help, my FI and I have agreed that we would address the guest + 1 as I mentioned in my last post.

Thank you all and I am happy my question was able to help others!