Guest List HEEELLLP!

[SarahLovesJS]

Okay, maybe it''s not that urgent, but I feel like it is. Our guest list amount determines whether or not we can get married in 2009 in more than one way. Because it determines the reception food amount, the invitation amount, etc. So I am feeling really overwhelmed. FI has a huge family compared to mine and I feel like sometimes it is turning into a family reunion for FI. Some of these people he doesn''t even know!

No offense to anyone with big families, but how do I tell him he can''t invite some of his more distant family members or even some of his cousins? He has over 20 cousins, I have 4. See the difference? Some of his cousins aren''t even in the US and one of his cousins didn''t even invite him to his wedding (he got married last year). We''re to the point of talking about cutting my family to make room for his when I didn''t even have that many people to begin with! He''s trying to be understanding and will say to cut people, but I worry about how his parents and the people themselves will feel.

So the question is: how do you cut people?! We''ve tried putting people into tiers, it''s not helping. Some people are willing to budge and some (a.k.a FI''s fiery over 80 yr old grandma) are not! We''re probably spending $40-50 a person on food which isn''t bad (we were looking at places that were $120 a person), but still! Every person makes a difference.

Heelllp!

 

[basil]

It''s hard to give advice not knowing the specifics and personalities involved. If you and your fiance are paying for the wedding, then you have final say in the guest list. But I know that doesn''t mean you want to completely disregard what 80+ year old grandma thinks.

I guess I would suggest setting either a budget or a guest # limit and see how it works out. If you aim for 150, will you have to cut out all your aunts? Or just the distant cousins who live in another country? It seems like you''re looking for a rough idea of a headcount, not necessarily a finalized guest list now, so this may work.

I would plan on adding an additional 10% or so to the number you come up with this early. Cause there are bound to be additions - our original guest list (which I thought was everyone I could think of) was 76 people. We now have about 100, and still a few months before invitations go out!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Siiigh!! Haha. Well my parents are paying for most of it, so they are the ones with the budget. I mean we have the budget, but we need to stay within their budget. We''re at like 140 I think so yeah. Apparently FI''s parents are now offering to pay for some of the additional cousins so that might help (this is developing as I am typing) hehe. We are definitely inviting ALL aunts and uncles, it breaks down when we get to cousins.

 

[Independent Gal]

Ditto on the extras. My parents added 8 more at the last LAST minute. As in, after the invitations had already been sent out.

I think you need to put your foot down. Your FI needs to see reason. There is X amount of money. That means you can invite X guests. Now cut. It''s like anything else. I may really want to spend 5K on a blingy wedding band, but if I don''t have the money, then I can''t. He may want to invite random cousin Joe, but if you don''t have the money, then he can''t. It''s common sense if you think of it that way.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/6/2008 3:59:55 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Ditto on the extras. My parents added 8 more at the last LAST minute. As in, after the invitations had already been sent out.


I think you need to put your foot down. Your FI needs to see reason. There is X amount of money. That means you can invite X guests. Now cut. It''s like anything else. I may really want to spend 5K on a blingy wedding band, but if I don''t have the money, then I can''t. He may want to invite random cousin Joe, but if you don''t have the money, then he can''t. It''s common sense if you think of it that way.

That''s a good way to think of it. Yeah, I really wanted to buy diamond earrings and a diamond wedding band for the wedding day, but I can''t afford both.

So it makes sense.

 

[luckystar112]

I feel ya, Sarah

Our original wedding plan was turning out exactly how you describe....a family reunion with all of FI''s side.
With my mom fitting most of the bill, she just wasn''t that down with that.

. I can''t blame her.
That''s why we decided on a DW, but FI''s parents apparently didn''t get the hint and ended up inviting people without our permission anyway. Thank goodness most of them can''t go!

Anyway, I know what you''re going through...believe me!

 

[Haven]

You need to look at your budget and give your FI and his family an exact number of guests that they can invite. If they insist on inviting additional people, they can contribute to the wedding to cover the extra costs. It''s just that simple.

 

[bee*]

Sorry to hear that there are guest list problems! I have the exact same situation as yours as in I have four cousins-D has enough to fill a small country.It''s the first wedding on each side so excitement is high. Our first thoughts were to split our 150 guestlist into 50 for D and I, 50 for my parents and 50 for his parents, but his mother has quite a few extra people that she wants to invite. She''s offered to pay for them so I''m fine with that. Do you mind if your future in-laws invite more people in general or is it just to do with the budget? Personally for me, D''s mother can invite half of Ireland if she wants so long as she pays for them.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

For my FI and I, we cut people from both sides we didn''t see or know well rather than keeping first cousins and ditching second or things like that. I have a second cousin who is like my uncle and I see atleast twice a year and a second cousin I haven''t heard from since I was 10. I kept one and cut the other. Distance can also make a difference. There was a couple I don''t like, but they live in town and I am inviting their siblings who live in town so we are inviting them as well.
Also consider just inviting uncle John who you know, but not his 3 kids and their spouse who you don''t.

Whatever you do, don''t let your FI cut your small family because he has a big one, that''s not fair to anyone.

 

[Pandora II]

Our first ''absolutely, definitely, must come'' list was 185 - venue takes 120...

We went for:

No relatives further extended than first cousins (so no children of cousins)

No children under the age of 10 unless from overseas.

FI decided not to give his parents any invitations - we have invited his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Have been forced into have kids of FFIL''s new wife (who I have met twice and don''t care for).

My parents are paying and have a lot of their friends coming.

My brother is getting married next year - his venue takes 70. He has informed all relatives that he will be inviting grandparents and uncles and aunts only. I haven''t heard what the fall-out is yet - hoping it will take some flak off me!

 

[swimmer]

Sarah, Whatever you do about numbers make sure you are comfortable with it because, not to stress you out here, its a huge deal whatever gets decided.

I wimped out and let my FMIL get all the people she wanted and so I cut some friends that I haven''t seen in a while...now whenever I see her friends, either at holidays, parties, or even my shower, I look at these old women that I don''t know or care about and think "you are getting a seat that my friend could have had." Its horrible, and its totally my fault. I should have had a spine and said, well, the venue fits 250, so you inviting .5 of that is really a bit much since my parents live there and FI and I also have friends.

Seriously, I should have put parameters, firm ones, like electric fence with barbed wire, out there, but I didn''t and now I am a resentful snarky woman and that is no fun. I''m working on dealing. Please learn from my mistake and decide something that you and your FI are both happy/fine with and then be flexible only if you can live with it. kisses!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Date: 4/6/2008 11:12:48 PM
Author: swimmer
Sarah, Whatever you do about numbers make sure you are comfortable with it because, not to stress you out here, its a huge deal whatever gets decided.


I wimped out and let my FMIL get all the people she wanted and so I cut some friends that I haven''t seen in a while...now whenever I see her friends, either at holidays, parties, or even my shower, I look at these old women that I don''t know or care about and think ''you are getting a seat that my friend could have had.'' Its horrible, and its totally my fault. I should have had a spine and said, well, the venue fits 250, so you inviting .5 of that is really a bit much since my parents live there and FI and I also have friends.


Seriously, I should have put parameters, firm ones, like electric fence with barbed wire, out there, but I didn''t and now I am a resentful snarky woman and that is no fun. I''m working on dealing. Please learn from my mistake and decide something that you and your FI are both happy/fine with and then be flexible only if you can live with it. kisses!

First to everyone: thank you so much for your support and advice! Now to swimmer, I am so sorry this happened to you ((hugs))! I hope that it will not affect your day too much, I am sorry.

I will set up some more firm parameters. I will send FMIL our revised guest list and tell her how many they may add if any. I will give her FIRM numbers and give my parents FIRM numbers. Hopefully after that we can all stop feeling so overwhelmed and torn. It''ll be pretty simple.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Well, we cut the list. A LOT! And we have it almost ironed out. The only issue we have at this point is we don''t know whether to invite some of FI''s cousins. They are a lot older and don''t live anywhere near us at all. He didn''t even know one of them existed, but if we don''t invite them FMIL and FFIL say FI''s Aunt and Uncle will be upset. Any advice? Tell FI no? They''re over 10 years older than both of us. He doesn''t really want them there, but is afraid to hurt people''s feelings.