Guest list quandary - BF has too many cousins!

[newbie124]

OK, so even though we're not quite official yet (still waiting for word on our desired stone, which is another nerve-wracking story of its own...), planner that I am, I've already started compiling our guest list to get an idea of potentially how big our wedding will be, and I can already foresee that we might have an issue of contention regarding BF's extended family.

The two of us want a "smaller" affair of 100-120 people max. We are planning to pay for at least 50% of the wedding ourselves and will probably get a contribution from my dad w/ the possibility of BF's parents also giving a smaller contribution.

Right now my list has 54 people, including all of my family and most friends and not counting family friends (there will be some added, but won't know how many till after I consult w/ my parents).

BF's list is at 37 including his aunts and uncles but NO cousins.

The problem is figuring out if we should/have to invite any or all of his cousins. The majority are on his mom's side of the family, which BF isn't as close to b/c he grew up in FL where his dad's family is. I don't think he even knows exactly how many cousins total he has, and he's even admitted that at family gatherings in the past he usually can't put a name to all of their faces. There is one cousin that he was close to b/c he lived with her when he initially moved to IL. However, they had a falling out awhile back and they never patched things up. Oddly enough, though, we got an invite to her wedding reception next month. His mom kind of made him accept the invitation, although he hasn't actually spoken to his cousin in about 1.5 years since their fight. (Personally, I think it's odd that she sent the invitation w/o first calling him to at least clear the air...)

Anyway, most of his mom's family are all in IL and she's close to them, though he isn't. I think he's been invited to most of his cousins' weddings, but I don't know how long ago he actually attended one.

BF thinks that we will probably have to invite at least some of them "b/c they're family." But I feel like etiquette-wise, it would have to be all or nothing. And "all" could mean potentially 20-30 more people. He said he didn't think it was fair if all of my cousins came but none of his...but my whole family added together is only 20 people, which is the size of his family WITHOUT cousins, and I actually keep in touch w/ my family. BF's also met and interacted several times w/ most of my family. I've only met the one cousin and one of her sisters, and that was for about 5 minutes.

I know we're still shy of 100 invites now, but we also haven't counted people our parents would probably want to invite. It's possible the final total will only top out at 130 or so, in which case it's not that much of an issue (unless they all show...), but other thing is that we want to keep the party to close acquaintances b/c I think it would just be weird to include people we barely know or have never met to celebrate such an intimate occasion w/ us. I don't enjoy being the center of attention to begin with, much less in front of people I don't even know who we invited only b/c we were forced to.

So what do you guys think makes more sense?

1) Only aunts/uncles and no cousins
2) ALL cousins and have to significantly limit parents' guests
3) Only cousins he's interacted with and can place a name to the face

 

[partyjewels]

I personally think #2 is the best option out of the 3.

 

[Gypsy]

Number 1 or 2. 3 is just a mess waiting to happen.

 

[newbie124]

Yes...I''m personally leaning towards 1 but have a feeling we may be pushed to option 2.

I just feel like it might not be fair, though, to my parents (who would potentially be putting more money into the wedding) that their guest lists would have to be limited due to us having to fit in all of BF''s cousins.

(Btw, Gypsy, I just read your "headache" post and boy I thought I was faced with a dilemma! I''m glad everything ended up working out for you, though, and glad that you have such an understanding and supportive mom!)

 

[gtn]

i d do option #2. chances are, many won''t attend

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 1/23/2008 2:28:45 PM
Author: Gypsy
Number 1 or 2. 3 is just a mess waiting to happen.

I agree!

 

[partyjewels]

so I was re-reading this, and I think I took the options to mean JUST for the Grooms guest list. If thats not the case and you''re talking about yours and his, then 1 or 2 is fine, but defiantly stay away from #3!!!

 

[Pandora II]

I say go with option one.

I didn't want anyone at our wedding that either FI or I didn't know well.

All the parents have been great about it. The only likely bust-up is because I've point blank refused to invite FFIL's wife's ghastly son, although we are inviting her 2 daughters

The excuse I'm using is that I have been more than reasonable - FMIL's husband has 5 kids of my age and older, all of whom are married. We haven't invited any of them (I'd much rather invite them that FFIL's wife and kids to be honest) - so I think I've more than done my duty.

I feel even less guilty recently - FFIL had told us he was giving us a very substantial sum of money as a wedding present. Now that his wife is in a psychiatric hospital, he's basically told us that all the money is needed for her bills.

 

[newbie124]

Date: 1/23/2008 4:43:39 PM
Author: partyjewels
so I was re-reading this, and I think I took the options to mean JUST for the Grooms guest list. If thats not the case and you're talking about yours and his, then 1 or 2 is fine, but defiantly stay away from #3!!!

Actually, I did mean just in regards to BF's cousins.

My reasoning is that I'm pretty close to my side of the family, BF has met all of them multiple times, and plus they only add up to 7 guests (including significant others).

 

[KimberlyH]

I'm in the all or nothing camp, so either option 1 or 2, and it applies to both families. Contribution percentages aside, you are merging your lives and your families are part of the deal. He has no control over his family being large, just as you have no control over yours being small. To avoid hurt feelings and upset the line should be drawn in the same place on both sides. You can have what you define as a smaller wedding (when I think small I think 40 people or less), but it's going to involve give and take on both sides.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I may be in the minority, but I think you should do number one and have it only apply to his family. That is what we are doing and it hasn''t been an issue. I have a grand total of 6 cousins and their spouses. My FI has dozens. I see mine many times a year and we both spend holidays with them. He has never met half the cousins. We also wanted a small wedding and we wanted one with people we knew. I say give both sides of the family a certain number of people which keeps it even. I don''t think it is unfair since FI doesn''t know most of these people very well. Our test was to ask ourselves "would we invite this person if we didn''t share their DNA?" Other thn my FMIL

, those that got a no were not invited.

 

[newbie124]

Date: 1/23/2008 11:45:08 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I may be in the minority, but I think you should do number one and have it only apply to his family. That is what we are doing and it hasn't been an issue. I have a grand total of 6 cousins and their spouses. My FI has dozens. I see mine many times a year and we both spend holidays with them. He has never met half the cousins. We also wanted a small wedding and we wanted one with people we knew. I say give both sides of the family a certain number of people which keeps it even. I don't think it is unfair since FI doesn't know most of these people very well. Our test was to ask ourselves 'would we invite this person if we didn't share their DNA?' Other thn my FMIL

, those that got a no were not invited.

Yeah...this is exactly how I feel. Even though BF can't control how big his family is, he at least has some control over his relationship with them and how often he keeps in touch. I mean, if he actually knew all of his cousins and hung out with them or even went to family gatherings, then it would make more sense to try to fit them in (the majority live around one suburb, but he rarely if ever goes down there for any of their gatherings even when his mom is in town...In comparison, if it were my family, we probably would see them a lot more often since I have a closer relationship with my extended family...BF probably knows my cousins better now than he knows his own).

His parents are laid back in some respects, but I think when it comes to family his mom might be a little more insisting so just not sure how it's going to play out...

I mean, cost is important. But even if we had an unlimited budget, I would rather be putting that money towards a better event for the same amount of people (those who are closest and dearest to us) rather than stretch it to spend on adding people we barely know/never see/never met, blood relation or not (that may sound kind of harsh, but that's honestly how I feel).