guest list quandry

[GettingDesperate905]

so fi and i have found the location for our reception, and are making a deposit on tuesday morning. The only issue is we need to have a general idea of our guest list to give the venue a number, and get a more exact price estimate....
we both come from really big families and originally anticipated a wedding of about 200 people, but we are trying to pare it down to 100, and keep it small and intimate. that is where the battle began. My dad has all these fantastic aunties who live 14hrs away. I love every single one of them dearly, but they are coming up into their 80''s, some are not in the best of health, and i know a few of them wouldn''t be up for the travel, and i hate the thought of sending them an invite, having them not come, but feeling obligated to send a gift of some sort. That would crush me. out of my 18 great aunts and uncles, I know there is only one pair who would realistically be able to make it, and I really dont think I''d want to get married without them there. I spent every spring and summer break with them growing up and they just mean the world to me. They live 14 hours away as well, in the same small town as the rest of my aunties and uncles.
Would it be wrong to only send an invitation to the pair who would make the trip? Im so torn up about this. I''m just picturing all my wonderful aunties getting together, and realizing that only one of them was invited, and taking offense. But at the same time, I dont want them to feel pressured to make the trip, or send gifts. I know this may sound like such a trivial thing, but really, 18 great aunts and uncles, and all the cousins that come with it, it is literally a good 40 person list we could cut off.
thoughts?

 

[KimberlyH]

I''d tell them exactly what you''ve said here. You are coming from a place of love and concern for their health and feelings, nothing bad can come from that.

 

[iota15]

Are you truly worried about the fact they would feel obligated to send a gift OR, are you actually worried that they might show up to your smaller venue?

Because if you are assessing the situation correctly, I would rather give my elderly relatives, whom you love dearly, the choice of providing me with a wedding gift, rather than have them think you only love one out of the group and the rest were excluded from your wedding. I'm not sure about your relatives but My elderly relatives Talk. The one pair who you will invite will definitely talk about your wedding to the others.

Invite in groups, and if they really can't make it, well - you wouldn't have offended them and you'll still have space for the rest of your friends and family. Give them the choice to send you a gift, rather than making them feel excluded from your special day.

On the other hand, if you have an inkling that maybe some of the elders will make their way to your venue... you'll have to take the risk that not too many of them will show up, or not invite the pair you definitely want there. Tough choice.

 

[megumic]

I went through the same feelings about invitations, guests and gifts. I decided it was best to send an invitation to all those I wanted to be invited. An invitation to a wedding is very different than a marriage announcement -- one is an invitation to a celebration, the other *to me* is fishing for a gift. A gift is always a choice.

 

[mrscushion]

Hmmm. To be honest, it sounds to me that you are less concerned about them feeling obliged to pay for a gift, and more about them actually showing up when you don''t have space.

I probably wouldn''t invite just the one great aunt I liked and not the others. In that case, I would invite all of the aunts but not the cousins. Then, I would follow up with a phone call, where I would say exactly what you have said to us. Hopefully none of them will attend the wedding.

 

[lilylover]

I agree. Invite them all. You could send a sweet note with the invitations letting them know that you understand that it would be difficult for them to travel to your wedding, but that you wanted to make sure that they recieved an invitation. You can also tell them to not feel obligated to send a gift, but that their blessing is enough.

 

[kama_s]

Send an invitation with a note stating that you realize they won''t be able to make it etc, just the way you wrote above.