Guest Lists--Oy!

[FrekeChild]

How did you ladies narrow your guest lists? I keep getting people that hear about our engagement saying things like, "I hope I get invited to your wedding.", "I''d better be invited!" and "I''m going to hold it against you if you don''t invite me!" The best one so far was, "Don''t put me in an awful bridesmaid gown!" Um. Chicklet, you''re not even on the invite list.

I should mention that we were hoping for less than 20 people, and none of the people who have said those things were going to be invited...This is going to be a big fat headache, I can tell already.

So how did you limit your guests? Did you have any POed people who were mad they didn''t get an invite? Did you have anyone assume they were invited when they weren''t? How did you handle that and what were the results?

 

[Deelight]

Date: 12/23/2008 3:08:28 AM
Author:FrekeChild
How did you ladies narrow your guest lists? I keep getting people that hear about our engagement saying things like, ''I hope I get invited to your wedding.'', ''I''d better be invited!'' and ''I''m going to hold it against you if you don''t invite me!'' The best one so far was, ''Don''t put me in an awful bridesmaid gown!'' Um. Chicklet, you''re not even on the invite list.


I should mention that we were hoping for less than 20 people, and none of the people who have said those things were going to be invited...This is going to be a big fat headache, I can tell already.


So how did you limit your guests? Did you have any POed people who were mad they didn''t get an invite? Did you have anyone assume they were invited when they weren''t? How did you handle that and what were the results?

umm I can''t help you with personal experience there as so far no one has invited themselves, maybe because I am vague I have though had requests for certain deserts to be served though LOL. I would possibly say I haven''t thought about any of that stuff yet as I am still basking in the glow of just being engaged and want to enjoy this before the madhouse starts (that was my stock standard answer to any wedding questions people posed to me after getting the ring).

Do people seriously invite themselves to be in the bridal party, I don''t know how I would handle that, that would make me feel awkward.

 

[bee*]

If you only want about twenty people there then tell them that you''re only having a small intimate ceremony when they ask about going. I''d nip it in the bud straight away.

 

[zoebartlett]

Yeah, the guest list can be a pain to deal with at times. I''m feeling chatty, so bear with me.

We originally had 80 people on our list and then it just kept growing. We ended up inviting double that (I think) and we had about 120 attend. My parents and my ILs added people that we didn''t really know and/or hadn''t spoken to in quite a while. I was really annoyed when a few guests brought people that we didn''t even know at all. It''s one thing to bring a date that the bride and groom doesn''t know, but to bring your sister and your niece and a random person (3 different guests did this) was not cool.

Some people here have designated their parents and themselves a certain number of guests. We didn''t do that. My parents paid the majority of the wedding and reception expenses. Telling them that they only had X number of people seemed a tad rude. We just asked who our parents wanted to invite and then we met with each set of parents to go over the list. I know many people will say that a wedding is all about the bride and groom. I strongly believe that it''s ALSO about everyone coming together to celebrate. As I said, I was very annoyed that certain guests that we didn''t even know were invited at the last minute but we got over it. Truth be told, if you''re like me and you go into a fog on your wedding day (it''s overwhelming), you won''t even really notice things that bothered you up until the wedding day.

We had a couple people ask to be invited, which I just think is so strange. I''d recommend saying that you plan on having a small wedding, and if you plan on having a DW (which you are, correct?), mention that too. That''s what we did and it seemed to quiet people down.

 

[pennquaker09]

Well, personally, I wouldn''t take it bad if someone said something like, "We''re having a small ceremony with our closest friends and family." I think that''s a nice way of getting your point across.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Welcome to the fun of planning! I''ve gotten all sorts of comments like that, and I normally dismiss them quickly if they''re not invited in a nice way, of course.

Just don''t let anyone make you feel guilty for not inviting them. Let them know when they ask about it that you''re doing a very intimate ceremony. They should pick up the point.

 

[emeraldlover1]

I think you''ve gotten some good advice but I''ve also gotten a lot of this. It happened a lot over Thanksgiving with extended family and it happens a lot at work because of the nature of my job. Honestly...I''m not inviting clients and I''m not going to feel bad about it. My mom''s step brothers who we are not close to and their kids are not invited. Seriously my mom''s mom got remarried when she was my age and they grew up in a completely different state so...not invited. I think if you address it as we are planning on having our family and limited friends that should stop it.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/23/2008 5:29:39 AM
Author: bee*
If you only want about twenty people there then tell them that you''re only having a small intimate ceremony when they ask about going. I''d nip it in the bud straight away.

ITA. This is something you want to have squared away ASAP. IMO, the statement that you are having a very small wedding should keep it all gravy. Are you planning on doing anything at home before or after, to celebrate with all these non-invited "guests"?

 

[elrohwen]

Haha, I''ve received a few similar comments! I just say that we don''t have the guest list done yet, but we''re trying to keep it as small as possible so we''re not sure who we''ll be able to invite. Most of the people who were comfortable enough to joke about stuff like that are comfortable not being invited (at least I hope they are!).

I think you''re actually lucky, because you''re inviting such a small number that if you tell people "we''re only inviting 20 people" they''ll completely understand why they''re not invited. Most people will realize that they''re not in your top 20 closest friends and family. It would be a bit harder if you were inviting 100 and had to tell them they weren''t invited.

 

[CNOS128]

I don''t think anyone''s actually told me to my face that they''d be insulted if they weren''t invited! That''s rich.

I did have to let down one friend who was all set to be a bridesmaid without my having asked - but it was fairly easy as our bridal party is only family members. Although, she just started speaking to me again after 6 months of silence, which kind of raises the question, "are you really a good enough friend in the first place to be my bridesmaid?"

How to narrow the guestlist is the age-old question. We got several engagement gifts from people we didn''t plan to invite, but (and this is where Joe and I disagreed) I thought if they sent gifts we should at least invite them as long as they were people we enjoyed being around.

So, to narrow things down... We started by cutting out most of the kids (especially 16-21 year olds) whom we had wanted to be there. We took the cowardly route and told their parents they weren''t invited because we needed to stay under a certain number. They were very okay with that, and definitely understood.
Then, if there were friends/people from his family that I''d never met, or from mine that he''d never met (who live nearby), where there wasn''t a good reason for it - we cut them.

This isn''t the system that works for everyone, but it was logical to us.

 

[Haven]

Penn said it best, that''s perfect.

Don''t let people bully you into inviting them to your wedding, stick to your guns.
The strangest thing that happened to me was this social climber, who happens to be the mother of one of my sister''s friends, called my mother at home to congratulate her when she found out that I was engaged, and said "Now I hope you remember us and all those carpools we did when you make your guest list." OY VEY is right.

 

[sunnyd]

Ditto bee! Now what do you say when someone invites themselves to be your MOH?

 

[musey]

Any comments we got (and we got very, very few) were responded to "We''re having a very small wedding, family and closest friends only."

We had some people assume they were invited, but they were people whose feelings I didn''t care about hurting--sorry to be so blunt. They would get the standard "We''re having a tiny wedding," if they commented/asked, and simply no invitation. I''m sure there were hurt feelings in the end, but honestly, if people don''t understand why they weren''t invited, we can''t do anything about that.

You have bigger/better things to worry about, don''t let yourself be too concerned with hurt feelings. People will ''get it'' when they see/hear who was and wasn''t at the wedding ("Only three of her friends? Oh, I can see how I wasn''t one of the top three.") and if they don''t, then that''s their social ineptitude, not any rudeness or meanness on your part.

 

[EricaR]

My guest list is half the size of yours so we get this all the time. I told someone that we are only inviting 10 people and without missing a beat she asked who the other nine were.

Luckily she was just kidding and her feeling were not hurt at all.

We were VERY up front about the size of the guest list and that we were only inviting immediate family and very close friends. My mom has been the hardest person to convince about this. She will sometimes call and say "What about so-and-so". FI had to decide to be strong together and just answer NO.

 

[Elmorton]

I think it''s probably easier to say that you''re having a 20 person wedding. People don''t get hurt when they''re not invited to something that small - DH and I had about 30 people just in siblings, parents, grandparents and wedding participants - so if the person nagging you has half a brain, they get that unless they raised you, they aren''t going to be there. I''ve had friends say that they''re doing a small wedding like that, and my response is "Awesome! Have fun and make sure I get to see photos at some point!!"

To be honest, you''re going to have a much easier time with a tiny guest list than a moderately sized one. Ours was 125 (we tried, tried tried for 100) - and about 135-140 were invited. The problem that because "125" sounds like a lot, our parents (and my grandma, and DH''s siblings) seemed to think that we wouldn''t notice just one more person being added to the list. When there''s a bigger number, it''s MUCH harder to say "Uh, you''re not in my top 100."

 

[lovesparklies]

Date: 12/23/2008 5:29:39 AM
Author: bee*
If you only want about twenty people there then tell them that you''re only having a small intimate ceremony when they ask about going. I''d nip it in the bud straight away.

Yep. You definitely need to tell people in the very moment they say something that you''re only having 20 guests and it''ll mostly be family (whether that''s actually true or not). Better to get it out of the way now before they say something a second time or worse, make plans to come. Like Elmorton said, it''s easier for people to swallow that they weren''t in the top 20 versus not being in the top 100.

 

[FrekeChild]

Ok, lets throw this into the mix...

My dad has 2 sons--my stepbrothers--kind of. Anyway, between them, their two wives and their 7 kids...that''s 11 people. That my dad (not me AT ALL) would want to invite.

FI is thinking that my dad will want to have a huge wedding extravaganza--invite all of his friends, people he''s worked with, etc. This is obviously not my speed.

Problem is, he''ll be footing the bill. If he''s not going to foot the bill because we want something little, we''re going to the courthouse.

So the easiest way to eliminate an extraordinary number of people is to have it be a DW to Vegas, because then you eliminate casual friends and co-workers.

BUT...my mom was the youngest of 10. There is a 20 year age difference between her and her oldest. Her oldest niece was 10 years younger than my mom. I can''t count how many cousins I have on that side of the family. But...I''m only close to 2 of them. That''s one of the people that invited herself. However, I still haven''t seen her in at least 4 years.

My dad''s side is the problem. My aunt and uncle live in town, their son and his wife live in town, and their daughter travels between here and TX--she is my closest relative--both in age (6 years younger than I) and we kind of grew up together. She has been very vocal on the wedding, because she''s very interested in her own--she''s 20 though--and took it when I said "hopefully under 20, but definitely under 50" to mean that 50 is it, and that I get 25 and FI gets 25. Then, because our family is so big, she filled up my 25 with family, leaving no room for friends. Between her, her parents, and her grandparents--all of which live in town, that''s 5 people. 2 more of the comments came from them. They would possibly be invited depending on how the rest of the guest list goes...

Me and FI--2
FSIL, FNIL, FNIL, FSIL''s BF--4
FFIL, his wife--2
My dad--1
My mom''s BFF--1
My 2 best friends--2
FI''s best friend+1 --2
My super close friend +1--2
FI''s advisor + her SO--2
FI''s mom''s BFF and her son--2
My super close friend + hubby--2
And then maybe my oldest friend--she and I have been friends our entire lives--but she would understand if she wasn''t invited.

That''s over 20 right there, and I think that''s about as low as I can get it. There is the risk that FFIL, his wife, FI''s advisor and her SO won''t come, in that case he''d invite a couple of our mutual friends and a pair of his friends who probably wouldn''t come either. But these are all people that are immediate family or people that we see or talk to on a daily basis.

Bleh. I''m going to have to lay down the law, providing that my dad doesn''t want to have some big three ring circus BS. In which case we''re going to elope. This makes me miss my mommy even more, because they had less than 20 at their wedding, and she totally would have stuck up for me on this.

 

[pocahontas]

Yah, welcome officially to BWW Freke

To answer your question, I'm with those that have suggested telling people you and FI are having a small and initimate wedding. I'm with Meresal in that it's best to nip this situation in the bud. FWIW, FI and I have been together for over 9 years and so when we finally got engaged it was a huge deal and everyone under the sun assumed they'd be invited to the wedding, especially because they had been anticipating it and talking about it for years. However, in the same breath that we announced our engagement we told people about our intention to have a small DW. This isn't to say we didn't recieve some of the comments you've had, but it drastically reduced them. I think most people are understanding of not being invited to something so intimate. it's being left off of a ginormous guest list that usually more upsetting. We're planning on having a house party to celebrate our marriage after the wedding ceremony so telling people about that also helped to reduce some of the disappointment of not being able to be a part of our wedding day.

 

[EricaR]

We aren''t even inviting all our siblings. My sister and her skeezy boyfriend would rather not come (GOOD!). My FI is one of 7, if you count half and step siblings. Only his full sister is invited. We''d really like to invite one of his half sisters and her hubby but we don''t want to feel pressured into inviting all siblings. When I was struggling with my small guest list I think someone here told me to ask myself "If this person didn''t share DNA with me would they be invited?"

 

[Clairitek]

Freke!! So wonderful so see you over here. Congrats again!

We are struggling the same way right now. Today we visited four venues and since we have a relatively small budget (for this area) we have to keep the guest list to about 125. To give you an idea, FI has 14 aunts and uncles that are related by blood. Out of those 14 3 aren''t married. Needless to say, we aren''t inviting any of his cousins. I also have a large-ish relatively close knit family. The hardest thing for me so far has been accepting the fact that I won''t be inviting all of the sorority sisters who inviting me (and a date!) to their wedding. I just realized yesterday that they will understand the stress of a gust list better than any of my other friends because they too dealt with this. I also know that if they had all had small weddings (one had 300 and the other had 200) I doubt I would have been invited.

I agree with everyone who suggested to nip it in the bud with the first question about the wedding. I think people will totally understand when you tell them that you''re having a very small DW. Those who hold it against you will get over it eventually.

 

[julabean]

Oh, Freke. I feel you on the guest list. We originally wanted a 40 or under wedding in Vegas and it got ballooned to 60ish and in Vegas.

Some things that may be helpful:

Find what hotel you want to get married at and get their chapel cut off. If you want only 20 people at your wedding, use the maximum number to your advantage. Does your chapel only have room for 25? Then there you go. That''s your limit. Does your chapel have a 50 or below cut off? That could be used as a compromise with your dad.

I agree with whoever said to be upfront about it. I had a lot of old friends from high school tell me to my face they wanted to be invited to my wedding and I simply told them we were thinking of getting married in Vegas and were going to be having a small family ceremony. It was nothing against them, it was just that everyone who was invited to my wedding felt like family to me in some way. So I wasn''t lying.

If your dad is insistent on having a big celebration, could you compromise with him by having a very small wedding in Vegas but then hosting a local reception that masses of people can come to? My best friend did that. She "eloped" with only her family and me and DH this summer on some local islands and then they are hosting a huge 350+ party in January for everyone else.

And finally, I know you''re a bit closer to Vegas than I was, but could the location deter any possible guests who might not want to travel or who might not like Vegas as much? Some of DH''s family were a bit screechy and complainy about Vegas, but they came around. Some people who I would have really loved to see didn''t come, though, because it was out of state.

Hope this helps and good luck!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Well I cut a bunch of my family since I''m not close to them. I gave in and invited most of FI''s family since they''re very close. But my friends that keep asking about the wedding..well most of them aren''t invited. I mean we talk occasionally and whatnot, but if we can''t even meet for lunch because you''re too lazy why should you be at my wedding?

So I cut people we don''t talk to regularly, don''t know where they live, etc. And then I cut anyone I was not very close to.

 

[galvana]

Frekechild, the guest list is always tough, but I must say that no matter what you do, people are going to get POed with you, it does stink i know, but there is really nothing you can do to avoid it. You need to do what is best for YOU and your FI. I have found with my planning that people keep getting POed with me along the way but i can''t please everyone, the day is yours.
I think its awesome that your dad is offering to foot the bill and hopefully you can keep it that way - while keeping it to what you really want in your heart.

good luck!

I went to vegas in august for a wedding, it was at the little white wedding chapel. pretty small
but i dont know the exact number it held.

Have you been before? One thing i would suggest you and FI do is go to dinner at the restaurant at the top of the stratosphere, its an amazing experience. romantic, beautiful, etc.

 

[meresal]

I'm sorry you're going thru this, and you may not like my .02, but here it is...

I've had this convo with my mom, and my personal opinion is, if he (your Dad) is paying for the wedding, then it is his party as well. We would all love for the money to be handed to us unconditionally, but for many of us, that is not the case. My FI's parents will be inviting lots of people I have never met (some FI has never met), but since they gave us money for the wedding, we have no right to argue that they cannot come.

On the family/friends inviting themselves... those comments usually come from people that know they wouldn't be invited otherwise.

I would sit down with your dad and see what he is actually invisioning, as far as the wedding goes. It's the only way to get everything on the table, and I'm sure you can come to a middle ground. Maybe you could talk to him about having a dinner of sorts back in your home area after the wedding, to celebrate with all the family that wouldn't be invited, or amybe a backyard BB-Q.

Freke, I was in the same boat as you. As much as I dreamed about a beach wedding, FI and I didn't actually count our family # until after we were engaged. With almost 100, we couldn't figure out how to cut and where. We wanted everyone to come.

I hope everything works out!!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/23/2008 7:57:22 AM
Author: pennquaker09
Well, personally, I wouldn''t take it bad if someone said something like, ''We''re having a small ceremony with our closest friends and family.'' I think that''s a nice way of getting your point across.

Ditto. This is what we said and everyone took it well for the most part (except random weird relatives who wouldn''t have been invited to even a big wedding! Go figure).

 

[FrekeChild]

Oh meresal, no worries! I''ve read so many threads about parents, their financial contribution and their portion of the guest list to know a bit of what I''m getting into. I''ve already told FI that he''s going to have to mediate between my dad and I because we are both exceedingly stubborn people. (Gee, I wonder where I picked that up from?)

These are my options from what I can see at the moment, without actually talking to him (these are in order of my preference btw):

1. Elegant tiny wedding in Vegas.
2. Tiny wedding in Vegas. Big reception when we get home.
3. Small/Medium wedding here in town (I''d prefer under 50, but if it''s in town, there is no way that can happen.)
4. Bigger wedding here in town (under 200).
5. Biggest wedding here in town (over 300, which to me, is ridiculous because I don''t have that many people I''d want to invite or that I even know that well that I''d want to spend an evening with them). In this last case, I''d prefer to elope, and not deal with masses of people. And that isn''t a scare tactic. If my choices are between a huge wedding and elopement, I''ll take the elopement any day of the week.

I''m really an introvert, with extrovert tendencies, but I''ll choose a smaller get together any day of the week. My dad is the opposite. Bleh.

The thing that would probably work in my favor is that money is not good at the moment. My father''s retirement is in the stock market, and he''s lost about 30% of it. Also, with my mom''s illness and expenses stemming from her passing, he''s been spending a LOT of money. Usually the bigger the party, the more expensive it will be. One thing that he''s determined to have is an open bar--he told me this a long time ago, and if you have an open bar for 300 people...OUCH.

So this is the plan:
We are going to sit down (FI and I) with my dad and talk to him about what I want (tiny wedding in Vegas) which I''ve been researching for months, and appeal to his more frugal side. FI doesn''t really care--he just knows that if its in town, it will automatically boost the numbers because of his department and all of the people he works with. Another thing that''s going for me is that my dad and mom had a tiny wedding with about 20 people, and I had told her that I would want that over something big and extravagant. I think the best middle ground if he wants to have a huge thing would be a wedding in Vegas, and a party afterwards. If he wants a big party, that''s the route I''m going to go for.

As for people inviting themselves, I think for now I''m just going to avoid that as much as possible and maybe drop a "We''re poor college students, so maybe eloping is in the cards." Until my dad and I come to an agreement anyway.

iloveprincesscuts We have been to Vegas. If we do that for our wedding, it will be our 5th time. We checked out the Mandalay Bay chapels and they hold about 50. So that is definitely the cut off point. I can''t imagine going to Vegas in the summer. BLEH.

As for people getting mad at me, I''m not looking forward to it, but it''s a fact of life, right?

julabean I don''t think being in Vegas will really deter anyone from coming. It''s less than an 8 hour drive from here, and one of the pushy relatives lives in Phoenix, which is even closer. Not to mention we can get Southwest tickets for around $100 sometimes. One of the other "I better be invited" people hasn''t even been to Vegas and is chomping at the bit to come. From what I can tell, if we invite our "B List", which is mostly made up of non immediate family members and not as close friends, that would bring the total to about 40. Which is still somewhat reasonable, I guess.

Ugh, I don''t know!

Oh, one other thing is that if I''m not allowing my dad''s sons (today they aren''t related to me because I''m irritated with them) to come, I can use that as leverage against other relatives. "Well my bros aren''t invited...(so don''t be offended that you aren''t either!)"

 

[honey22]

We are having only our immediate family invited, and a select few friends, total of less than 20 including the bridal party, so I totally understand your predicament. I would simply smile and gently explain to them that you are eloping with your parents only and are so grateful that your extended family and friends understand and respect your wishes. I doubt someone is going to comeback with something after that. Don''t apologise for your wishes, this is your wedding. They will get over it. I don''t mention that other friends are going to be there (even though they are my bridal party etc) as this can offend some and put you in a sticky situation. They will get over it eventually, and if they don''t, then they are not your true friends anyway.

Good luck sweetie and stay true to your dreams - you only get this day once, so make sure it''s what you want.

 

[miraclesrule]

I''m sure you meant 20 people, NOT including the PS''ers who you know were already planning to crash your wedding

Sooowa, absent US ps''ers, you have to just tell them straight up. I would suggest creating pre-planned prepared responses to those that assume they are either invited, or even worse, assume they will be in the wedding.

I''ll have to think a bit to come up with some of the canned responses...

 

[CrownJewel]

hiya freke

i''m sorry i''ve been MIA for a while. my condolences for the passing of your mom. how are you doing?

I think you''d be perfectly safe saying that you are keeping the wedding to 20 people, mostly immediate family. There were several friends who said, "oh i can''t wait to go to your wedding" or "i better be invited!" And back then, I had no idea how to handle those, so two people made it onto the list because I was put on the spot and said, "yeah of course you''re invited."

One of them came with a guest and didn''t give us a card, gift, or even write in our guestbook! The other never RSVP''ed and then called me the day before the wedding to say that she wouldn''t be able to make it.

Just tell those people you haven''t done the guest list yet, but you have to keep it to 20 people. They will definitely understand.